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Should I be angry at my wife about this situation??

caliborn82

By caliborn82
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caliborn82 Member

caliborn82

Posted
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I was wondering if anyone had any advice on my situation .I invited my best friend over for some drinks with my wife and I , things started out fine with the usual banter of laughing and joking with each other , but as time progressed and drink started to kick in I felt more and more like an outsider in the conversations and the banter between my wife and my best friend started getting more sexual innuendo orientated , this bothered me and when I tried to get in on the conversation my wife put me down sexually and although she put it across as a joke this hurt me , I have noticed many times before that my wife and my best friend seem to get on very well but tonight I felt very uncomfortable with things that were said , anyway to cut a long story short when my friend left I decided to talk to my wife about todays events , I told her that I felt like crap with all the flirting going on and asked her if she found him attractive. Perhaps I should never have said anything as this went down like a lead balloon and we ended up having a massive row. Was I wrong to say anything to her ? Do you think that perhaps I came across as accusational ? Any help would be greatly appreciated...thanks

dovegirl Member

dovegirl

Posted
Posted
Was I wrong to say anything to her ? Do you think that perhaps I came across as accusational ? Any help would be greatly appreciated...thanks
No, I don't think you were wrong to say anything to her. It is good to have open communication with your spouse, especially about things that bother you.

 

It is impossible for me to say whether you came across as confrontational because I wasn't there, but if you did it could be one reason for your wife's reaction. Another possible reason (and this is just speculation so please don't take it as fact) is that she has some sort of feelings for your friend, and knows it, and so you bringing the subject up struck a nerve.

 

I think it was bad form of her to put you down sexually in front of your friend, I would never do that to my husband. Our private life is private. I understand some women are different and do talk about these things, but in that case I think it is usually with other women, not with men.

 

If I was you I would broach the subject again, first apologizing for if she thought you were confrontational the first time. But, then explain how it made you feel. I know I would not intentionally do anything to hurt my spouse. Hopefully she feels the same way and will adjust her actions. If not, you may need to ask yourself WHY she doesn't feel that way

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caliborn82 Member

caliborn82

Posted
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No, I don't think you were wrong to say anything to her. It is good to have open communication with your spouse, especially about things that bother you.

 

It is impossible for me to say whether you came across as confrontational because I wasn't there, but if you did it could be one reason for your wife's reaction. Another possible reason (and this is just speculation so please don't take it as fact) is that she has some sort of feelings for your friend, and knows it, and so you bringing the subject up struck a nerve.

 

I think it was bad form of her to put you down sexually in front of your friend, I would never do that to my husband. Our private life is private. I understand some women are different and do talk about these things, but in that case I think it is usually with other women, not with men.

 

If I was you I would broach the subject again, first apologizing for if she thought you were confrontational the first time. But, then explain how it made you feel. I know I would not intentionally do anything to hurt my spouse. Hopefully she feels the same way and will adjust her actions. If not, you may need to ask yourself WHY she doesn't feel that way

 

Thanks that does help:-)

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Michelle ma Belle Established Member

Michelle ma Belle

Posted
Posted
No, I don't think you were wrong to say anything to her. It is good to have open communication with your spouse, especially about things that bother you.

 

It is impossible for me to say whether you came across as confrontational because I wasn't there, but if you did it could be one reason for your wife's reaction. Another possible reason (and this is just speculation so please don't take it as fact) is that she has some sort of feelings for your friend, and knows it, and so you bringing the subject up struck a nerve.

 

I think it was bad form of her to put you down sexually in front of your friend, I would never do that to my husband. Our private life is private. I understand some women are different and do talk about these things, but in that case I think it is usually with other women, not with men.

 

If I was you I would broach the subject again, first apologizing for if she thought you were confrontational the first time. But, then explain how it made you feel. I know I would not intentionally do anything to hurt my spouse. Hopefully she feels the same way and will adjust her actions. If not, you may need to ask yourself WHY she doesn't feel that way

 

No need to repeat it. This is good advice :)

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Friskyone4u Established Member

Friskyone4u

Posted
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I don't know about angry but if I were you I would be more than a little concerned that she is flirting with him right in front of you and you are feeling like a bystander. If this is happening with you sitting there what is happening when you are not around.? And what is she doing with other men when you are not around??

If I were you I would start getting a little more observant of her behavior , cell phone use, girls night out, and anything else that had this not happened you might seem like nothing. A lot of guys get blindsided by not paying attention . She has given you behavior that should at least get your antennae up

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Smilecharmer Established Member

Smilecharmer

Posted
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What did she say? Does she find him attractive? Yes, you should be concerned because when my man is in the room, I only see him. He is like a magnet and I am drawn to him.

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bubbaganoosh Established Member

bubbaganoosh

Posted
Posted

Your wife stepped over the line twice. First she has no business flirting with this guy and to do it in front of you is a slap in the face, then to make matters worse, she puts you down sexually is another slap.

 

Think about this. Suppose you did what she did and flirted with a woman with your wife present, and then you put her down sexually in front of this same woman. You know your wife better than all of us, so what would her reaction be? Think she would be happy seeing her husband flirting and then being humiliated?. Dude she has a rolling pin with your name on it and you would have been feeling her wrath.

 

Don't let this slide and sweep it under the rug. She need to know that she was flat out wrong and if you let her get away with it, then be prepared for it to happen again.

 

You let her know in a way that she will know that your as serious as a heart attack that it better not ever happen again or she going to feel your wrath.

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InnocentMan Established Member

InnocentMan

Posted
Posted

You need a new best friend, and probably a new wife eventually.

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Candy_Pants Established Member

Candy_Pants

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For me, sexual jokes/banter aren't "over the line", but they are for my H, so I would never go there out of respect.

 

Was this kind of talk only a problem once you felt left out? Or after the joke happened? Do you two have boundaries regarding sexual talk?

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giotto Established Member

giotto

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My advice would be never have a serious conversation with your wife after a "few drinks"... :D

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Poppygoodwill Established Member

Poppygoodwill

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It's funny. He's your best friend, she's your wife. YOu want them to get along really well and be as comfortable together as you are with each of them, right? But then when they get really friendly and joke around, you get uncomfortable.

 

She clearly hurt and/or offended you with her teasing put down, but I have a hunch that she was bantering in a normal way for you two, but this time suddenly you took offense because you felt threatened.

 

If taht's the case, it's not fair to say she was suddenly nefariously putting you down sexually in front of a potential rival, because in her mind - she's just hanging out with her husband and his best friend, drinking, joking, teasing.

 

Is it possible that because of what's goign on in your mind, you've suddenly changed the game around her, when she was just doing what she/you have always done?

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giotto Established Member

giotto

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I'm not against drinking, on the contrary... but when you drink, you lose your inhibitions, start flirting a bit and say things you shouldn't... it happens all the time. People react to alcohol in different ways... your wife reacts like that. You are right to get a bit angry, but you shouldn't really be having these conversations when you've had a bucketful. They always backfire! :D

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

caliborn82

 

 

The discussion was needed. The timing could have used some work. In the heat of the moment after a few drinks wasn't ideal.

 

 

Talk to her again. Ask if you can set some boundaries. Tell her how hurt you were.

 

 

Hopefully she didn't mean what she said but was not thinking due to the alcohol.

dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

Posted
Posted (edited)
I felt more and more like an outsider in the conversations and the banter between my wife and my best friend started getting more sexual innuendo orientated , this bothered me and when I tried to get in on the 1) conversation my wife put me down sexually and although she put it across as a joke this hurt me ,

 

 

I told her that I felt like crap with all the flirting going on and a2)sked her if she found him attractive.

 

 

My two cents - your wife went too far - putting you down in front of anyone is a No-No. Don't disrespect you partner in front of others -never ever. Also if your buddy were a real buddy - he would have not been too keen on your wife putting you down (if indeed she really did). Drinking never helps things.

 

I had a related issues with my wife (mostly early in our marriage) and I am good at putting a stop to it. My suggestions -

 

1) Give as good as you get. If there is banter going on and your wife challenges you - challenge her back. Be the man and in control. You let her be in charge of this sexual innuendo game with your friend - you tried to jump in but failed. You can be playful - but a good stare in the eye - face to face -with a smile and look in your eye - a good offense (vs defense) sexual challenge/statement back - can do a lot to get a partners attention in the matter.

 

2) Never ever express insecurity or self esteem issues regarding another man to your woman. Examples "are you attracted to him?", "do you find him better than me", "you think he is sexier than me". Simply play it confident and strong. I don't know what would have been good for you - but maybe something like "my buddy is a pretty dynamic guy - just remember you married the better man" and then kissed her and/or slapped her on the ass. Confident secure and in control man of her life.

 

3) Don't invite the buddy over for a while - or at least not by himself. Maybe invite a female friend over instead.

 

4) If your wife really does go over board in disrespecting you (I mean really insulting you sexually in front of another). Keep your cool till later - and stone faced look her in the eyes and set a clear boundary "do that again - and you can forget any social events at the home". If she tries to argue - or yell back or defend - stay cool and firm. No insecurities - or hurt feelings - just boundaries - do this and this is what happens.

 

 

Lastly - and this may be just me reading into your story ....do a little snooping on your wife's emails or facebook or phones. I just get this weird vibe based on what you say was going on. Better safe than sorry.

Edited by dichotomy
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Buckeye2 Established Member

Buckeye2

Posted
Posted (edited)
I don't know about angry but if I were you I would be more than a little concerned that she is flirting with him right in front of you and you are feeling like a bystander. If this is happening with you sitting there what is happening when you are not around.? And what is she doing with other men when you are not around??

If I were you I would start getting a little more observant of her behavior , cell phone use, girls night out, and anything else that had this not happened you might seem like nothing. A lot of guys get blindsided by not paying attention . She has given you behavior that should at least get your antennae up

 

Yep ^^^ this. Huge red flag. Shut up and start investigating.

 

If your wife was going to have an affair with anyone it would be this guy. She already knows him and is comfortable with him.

 

It doesn’t take much time to meet up for a quickie plus it would be a huge turn on to be able to flirt in front of you. Of course nothing may be going on but I could see how getting drunk and under cover of joking it would progress to things they say in private about you.

 

Check her phone, texts and email. Act like everything is fine or they will just hide things better. Think about a GPS and VAR in her car.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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harrybrown Established Member

harrybrown

Posted
Posted

Stop having your "friend" around anymore.

 

They both were horrible to you. And your wife should stop it and apologize.

 

How would she like it if the roles were reversed?

 

She put you down in front of your best friend? That stinks.

 

Maybe you need to go to marriage counseling.

 

No more visits with your best friend and I would tell him to stay away from your wife and you. He is not your friend. And is does not sound like your wife is a good friend.

 

The next time do not invite a man over. Invite a woman and see how see likes it.

 

Your wife does not respect you. Why?

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Clay Established Member

Clay

Posted
Posted

I agree with Harry. Your friend is really not your friend. I would distance my self from him all together at this point. Your wife is a whole different problem. If she does not get how it bothered you there might be more of a issue that you realize. I would distance myself and maybe even use 180 as a approach until she comes around. If she did this in front of you imagine how she talks about you behind your back. I would probably tell her if she does it again maybe a separation would be in order to regroup and see where you stand. You can't allow her in any way shape or form to get away with treating you that way.

 

I think I would have called them on it on the spot and told him to get out right there and then. I would make it clear to hear that this is not something you will put up with at all.

 

 

Clay

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Buckeye2 Established Member

Buckeye2

Posted
Posted (edited)

 

As time progressed and drink started to kick in I felt more and more like an outsider in the conversations and the banter between my wife and my best friend started getting more sexual innuendo.

 

My wife put me down sexually and although she put it across as a joke this hurt me.

 

I have noticed many times before that my wife and my best friend seem to get on very well.

 

I told her that I felt like crap with all the flirting going on and asked her if she found him attractive. Perhaps I should never have said anything as this went down like a lead balloon and we ended up having a massive row.

 

 

If your wife was going to have an affair with anyone it would be this guy. She already knows him and is comfortable with him.

 

It doesn’t take much time to meet up for a quickie plus it would be a huge turn on to be able to flirt in front of you. Of course nothing may be going on but I could see how getting drunk and under cover of joking it could progress to things they say in private about you.

 

Check her phone, texts and email. Act like everything is fine or they will just hide things better. Think about a GPS and VAR in her car.

Edited by Buckeye2
  • Like 3
fellini Established Member

fellini

Posted
Posted
Hi everyone...

I actually posted this yesterday but apparently one of the members told me to re-post this in the "infidelity" section so here it is again

 

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on my situation .I invited my best friend over for some drinks with my wife and I , things started out fine with the usual banter of laughing and joking with each other , but as time progressed and drink started to kick in I felt more and more like an outsider in the conversations and the banter between my wife and my best friend started getting more sexual innuendo orientated , this bothered me and when I tried to get in on the conversation my wife put me down sexually and although she put it across as a joke this hurt me , I have noticed many times before that my wife and my best friend seem to get on very well but tonight I felt very uncomfortable with things that were said , anyway to cut a long story short when my friend left I decided to talk to my wife about todays events , I told her that I felt like crap with all the flirting going on and asked her if she found him attractive. Perhaps I should never have said anything as this went down like a lead balloon and we ended up having a massive row. Was I wrong to say anything to her ? Do you think that perhaps I came across as accusational ? Any help would be greatly appreciated...thanks

 

The problem of raising the issue of what is going on when someone is inside a moment of "guilty pleasure" is that your activate the GUILT in her PLEASURE. If she is enjoying the high that he is giving her mirroring him, then your comments are like a needle in a balloon. BOOM! and this will always go down like a lead balloon. The problem is how and when to address it?

 

This friend of yours is merely the "third" in a relationship. You might try, at this point, in addressing the issue about her feelings and yours, see if there is something the two of you can do together to ignite her the same way, but without his presence. Bring the spontaneity, charm, and erotic intensity back into the marriage so that she doesn't find herself enjoying it (or feeding off of it) elsewhere. (If you want some literature on this, check out Esther Perel on "Mating in Captivity")

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RightThere Established Member

RightThere

Posted
Posted

I would say follow your gut on this. If something doesn't seem right and when you ask your wife about it she becomes confrontational, that's a bog red flag.

 

I know when my WW invited the guy she was sleeping with over and had dinner with us, I totally saw the same similar "comfortable" banter. At the time my exact thought was "They talk to each other like an old married couple."

 

In truth, they were talking like a couple who'd been sleeping around with each other for the past year.

 

Go with your gut and don't ignore red flags. Keep a vigilant eye.

  • Like 5
drifter777 Established Member

drifter777

Posted
Posted

I don't want to be harsh but why do you care what we think? Its how you felt about it is all that matters. But I understand wanting to check out your feelings with others to see if somehow you are way out of line. Your not. The other reason you might feel you need the endorsement of others is if your wife is gas-lighting you. Trying to convince you it's no big deal to openly flirt in a highly sexual way with this guy - in front of you - and then toss passive/aggressive insults at you. Clearly, this made you feel angry, ashamed, and confused and I would tell her - in no uncertain terms - that her behavior is unacceptable and she better start enforcing better boundaries when she's around other men. Imagine how she acts when you are not around...

Bryanp Established Member

Bryanp

Posted
Posted

If the roles were reversed your wife would never put up with such disrespect from you and so why should you put up with it from her?

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caliborn82 Member

caliborn82

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If the roles were reversed your wife would never put up with such disrespect from you and so why should you put up with it from her?

 

I'm not anymore...I'm actually thinking about filing for a divorce to be honest about it.

  • Like 1
TheWalkingMan Member

TheWalkingMan

Posted
Posted
I'm not anymore...I'm actually thinking about filing for a divorce to be honest about it.

 

I'd feel the same way, what they both did is messed up. It is weird to me to see a wife gang up on her husband with his friend, doesn't seem like a good sign.

 

Also I have to ask, when you asked her if she was attracted to him..you said you had a "massive row" but..you never actually said how she responded to that question? It is an important question, and if she did not give you an answer that might not be a good sign either. So what did she say?

Clay Established Member

Clay

Posted
Posted
I'm not anymore...I'm actually thinking about filing for a divorce to be honest about it.

 

 

I would take it seriously as well. I find it really disturbing your friend joined it. It does make a person think there is some attraction between them. Its not a friend I would have after that happened.

 

Its up to you how you proceed but I would not put up with being treated like that at all. It would be a cause to end a marriage in my eyes if she would not change.

 

If you do file I would not say anything until she is served. As far as your friend I would talk to him away from your home and tell him in person not to come around anymore.

 

Clay

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