BearMox Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Need to catch LS up a bit here! Its been 4 years since my last post (wow). Went through a rough divorce (x cheated, filed for a divorce in the fog of an affair). Since then its been lots of recovery and getting to know myself. I didn't date in those 4 years -- couldn't find a kindred soul. Then I met someone. The story of us meeting is a doozie. I truly found a partner whom I adore and I call my best friend. We are kindred souls and really understand each other -- were so similar in so many ways and complimenting in so many ways. For the first time I could say I found a "great love" She was in a relationship with a MM before I met her and had left her day job to pursue a project with a rebound guy to try and shake off her love for MM. She never got over the MM through that project and became estranged with the rebound guy. Thats when I met her. Fast forward 6 months, we've dating seriously. She is away on business and interfacing with lots of people from before I met her including the MM. I observed a change in her communication patterns and realized that she wasn't over the MM. After a long talk I realize she still deeply loves him and still wants a life with this MM, despite wanting to be with me more. She's sad about it and says she loves me more and that I'm better for her in every way. She says she wants to let go but doesn't know how to. Realizing she still loves MM deeply and wants a life with him hurts immensely. Not that she loved him in the past, but that she loves him now. And after a couple relationships after him she still misses him. Part of me wonders if I'm not a big enough love for her if it doesn't make the previous go away. We're so crazy in love that even a day apart is difficult. I feel like I'm not really her only one any more. I was planning a proposal in the fall, but now I'm confused and depressed. I'm wondering if the right thing for her is for me to distance myself. Help!
ja123 Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 I'm wondering if the right thing for her is for me to distance myself. Help! The best thing for you is to distance yourself from her. I'm sorry, man. 6
Zahara Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Almost sounds like she's been using men to get over her MM. She had rebound guy and couldn't get over MM and left rebound guy. Then she latched on to you. Even now still desires a future with MM. "After a long talk I realize she still deeply loves him and still wants a life with this MM, despite wanting to be with me more." This makes no sense. She sees her life with MM but even so, wants to be with you more? She wants to be with you more because you're the next best thing to what she cannot have? If MM suddenly showed up at her door, what would happen? The right thing for you is to distance yourself from her. 1
Bruce Leigh Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Tough luck but you need to move on for yourself. She wants what she can't have, the MM. She has you but doesn't want you enough to really say goodbye to the other man. Let her go and find someone who is truly invested in you. Good luck. 1
soccerrprp Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 You need to distance yourself from her. I don't buy that she loves you MORE, i'm willing to bet that she loves you less, but telling you more, she feels that that will keep you around. Your a substitute for now until she can find a way to get back with her ex or diminish her feelings for him.
Author BearMox Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 she isn't pursuing a future with MM and the relationship wasn't physical. She knows MM still loves her. To complicate matters she moved and picked a job near where I live to pursue our relationship. She's communicated how much she wants me and sees her life and future with only me. Her actions have demonstrated this (moving close, etc). I don't know how to approach this love she has for MM still and her heart still longing for him, even if less than it wants to be with me. ::
Author BearMox Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 Rubbish. Of course she does. She just doesn't WANT to. I'm afraid of that. It means changing her phone number, deleting every possible way of contacting him, deleting her FB account and giving you 100% transparency for everything she may do. Part of her work is networking. I trust her, she's been honest with me up to this point. She's made access available to me (I've never asked for it).
Zahara Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 she isn't pursuing a future with MM and the relationship wasn't physical. She knows MM still loves her. To complicate matters she moved and picked a job near where I live to pursue our relationship. She's communicated how much she wants me and sees her life and future with only me. Her actions have demonstrated this (moving close, etc). I don't know how to approach this love she has for MM still and her heart still longing for him, even if less than it wants to be with me. :: How can she? He's married. But I bet if he showed up tomorrow, she'd be off on her way with him, living that life she has always wanted to have with him. She may have put into action her want to be with you, but she's doing that because you're the next best thing to what she cannot have. The only reason she is with you is because MM is married and isn't available to her. 2
Author BearMox Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 (edited) How can she? He's married. But I bet if he showed up tomorrow, she'd be off on her way with him, living that life she has always wanted to have with him. I've asked about it and she's said no to pursuing it. Its hard to guess. She may have put into action her want to be with you, but she's doing that because you're the next best thing to what she cannot have. The only reason she is with you is because MM is married and isn't available to her. Its a harsh pill for me to accept. I believe her goodwill, but boy I'm afraid of being rebound/coping guy. All signs lead to that shes a keeper and that our relationship is the most significant one in her life. I struggle with two extremes: a) compartmentalizing it as a "wound" of hers that needs healing or b) that I'm second place in her heart and its mostly a physical/coping/rebound relationship for her. If I pressed her she'd only reiterate (in tears) that OM isn't even comparable to me. I'm a giver and would probably choose to help someone grow before serving myself (to a fault probably). Are there other ways besides asking her to NC the OM to make sure a relationship is on sure footing? (I'm considering asking her to NC the OM btw) Edited May 8, 2014 by BearMox
Author BearMox Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 This makes no sense. She sees her life with MM but even so, wants to be with you more? She wants to be with you more because you're the next best thing to what she cannot have? If MM suddenly showed up at her door, what would happen? She wouldn't pursue it.
Author BearMox Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 Tough luck but you need to move on for yourself. She wants what she can't have, the MM. She has you but doesn't want you enough to really say goodbye to the other man. Let her go and find someone who is truly invested in you. Good luck. Ouch. I don't believe theres any malice in her feelings toward OM. Missplaced? sure. Not dealt with? yup. She expresses that she is angry that she feels this way toward him still and doesn't know how to fix it. She has invested so much into our relationship that its hard to believe she's not all in: moving and changing jobs. I have 3 kids so the sacrifice isn't small. We're talking about marriage.
ja123 Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Perhaps you could suggest that she see a counselor to help her work out these issues. You, after all, took time off from relationships so you could get in touch with yourself. The fact that she hasn't is what concerns me. It seems like she always has some kind of back-up, and can't be by herself: the other guy to get over the married man, perhaps the married man so as not to fully invest in you (??), jumping in with you right away from the other guy. Who knows, but it's a concern. There's something there that she needs to investigate, I'd say.
Zahara Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 She wouldn't pursue it. You contradict. You said she still loves him deeply and wants a life with MM. I state what happens if MM is available, you say she won't pursue it. ?? Really, I'm not sure what you're seeking from LS. This will just go in circles because at the end of the day you want to be with her no matter what the advice.
Eivuwan Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Too many bad signs. Only way this could possibly work is if she gets some individual therapy for a long time. It's probably smarter to let her go. Life is too short for people who cause you pain. 1
iiiii Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 (edited) I think it's possible for a person to have a soft spot for a partner from the past - I would say that in some ways I still love the first boy I ever loved. That was when I was about 20, so rather a long time ago now. I haven't seen this guy since I was 21, we have no mutual friends and I have no idea what he is doing now. I think about him very rarely, although fondly when I do. I don't particularly want to ever see him or meet him again - that would quite possibly spoil the nice romantic memories I have. In fact, I'd go out of my way to avoid meeting him, for that reason. I loved the boy he was - I've got no idea if I'd even like the guy he is now! And having a soft spot for him doesn't mean I would ever even consider leaving my current partner if the old boyfriend ever showed up at the door. Sounds like this is a little different - far more intense for one thing - but also a little the same. Like me, maybe she is a little in love with this guy precisely because she can't have him, so she can cherish idealised romantic thoughts of him without ever having a dose of reality. The danger here is that this guy is not just a vague happy memory from years ago - this guy is real, she slept with him in the recent past, and she is currently in contact with him. IMO, she needs to completely cut contact with him. Maybe she can cherish her fond memories of the relationship, but she needs to cut ties completely. Anything else isn't fair to you. If she is not willing to do that, I'd say unfortunately you might have to let her go. She's showing where her priorities lie. Edited May 9, 2014 by iiiii 1
Author BearMox Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 The danger here is that this guy is not just a vague happy memory from years ago - this guy is real, she slept with him in the recent past, and she is currently in contact with him. IMO, she needs to completely cut contact with him. Maybe she can cherish her fond memories of the relationship, but she needs to cut ties completely. Anything else isn't fair to you. If she is not willing to do that, I'd say unfortunately you might have to let her go. She's showing where her priorities lie. After a big conversation last night I got out of her that the contact was two interactions that were work related and brief. I believe that she has to NC MM guy. In the conversation she realized that shes been holding onto an "out" in all her relationships for fear of a significant other leaving. Its a recurring fear. Possibly rooted in a father that left when she was very young. She was doing it with me, but said after our conversation a couple nights ago she realized she was doing it and came to place where she was able to start to let go. Or maybe let go. She convinced me that she'd never want a relationship with MM, just that it was a soft spot and someone that she loved for a period before me. This is all great and I get it. But its wearing my trust out, and I already have issues trusting women.
Gaeta Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Personally, being told what she told you would turn me off a great deal. It would kill the magic in an instant. I don't need to hear my boyfriend talk about how he's still in love with his ex, or how it's a love he cannot get over. I would set her free to figure it out.
Gaeta Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 She was in a relationship with a MM before I met her and had left her day job to pursue a project with a rebound guy to try and shake off her love for MM. That is exactly what she has done with you as well by relocating closer to you. She probably told this rebound guy the same things she is telling you.
Bruce Leigh Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 (edited) She convinced me that she'd never want a relationship with MM, just that it was a soft spot and someone that she loved for a period before me. Doesn't sound like anything has changed at all. Just that she has convinced you something has changed. Edited May 9, 2014 by Bruce Leigh
sagetalk Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 She's sad about it and says she loves me more and that I'm better for her in every way. She says she wants to let go but doesn't know how to. She knows exactly how to let him go, she just doesn't want to because she is selfish. This is bad news, if she was good for you, she would pick you over this guy in a heart beat.
Author BearMox Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 So I made the NC ask and it went well. She said she was already considering it. But its messy, yeah. I'm willing to accept that life isn't perfect the way I want it sometimes. All facts point toward internal struggle rather than her using me as second-best and I have to accept that. She has a history of being attracted to people she can't have. Things she has going for her (in a big way) is that she moved to me to pursue this, jumping into a scenario with a guy that has split custody of 3 kids, a brutal commute (I spend ~15 hours a week in transit), and ex and changing to a job that she doesn't care for much. She has virtually no friends where I'm at. This lady is all in. Am I crazy? Life is too short for people who cause you pain. love this Eivuwan.
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