Why do you string us along?

[Zahara]

I may never understand this. My ex strung me along for months before she finally ended. Along the way always saying and doing endearing things even talking and doing things for our future. Why the false hope? Why doesn't she realize it's worse than ending it right away? Why doesn't she understand it only makes it worse and doesn't let me down "easier"? How could someone say things that they really don't mean? Why put your bf/gf on the back burner til something better comes along? Why the lack of courage? Stupid GIGS. I am not of this practice, but she sure is. Maybe I should have picked up on it and ended it myself but I believe her when she told me certain things.

 

It's because dumpers have their own way of processing the break-up. In some ways they may experience dumpers remorse. They want to end, but should they end, how can they end, what happens if they can't find someone, maybe keep ex on the side just incase that happens, but that's not right, but starting all over is a little scary, etc. It's their way of creating a comfortable transition into singledom. They maybe thinking about how it is going to affect you but that's minor compared to them considering their own needs and feelings.

 

This is why NC is advised when someone lets you go. Don't stick around for maybe, if, probably, etc.

[jt27]

Thanks Zahara. I understand the dumpers remorse and how hard it is to end it but it's just incredibly selfish to do such a thing. Giving the other person so much hope. In the end she is just thinking of herself.

 

I apologize if I am generalizing, but this type of behavior seems to happen more when the girl dumps the guy?

[Zahara]

Thanks Zahara. I understand the dumpers remorse and how hard it is to end it but it's just incredibly selfish to do such a thing. Giving the other person so much hope. In the end she is just thinking of herself.

 

I apologize if I am generalizing, but this type of behavior seems to happen more when the girl dumps the guy?

 

I've had guys do this to me. When I was younger, I did the hanging around and older and wiser now, once they end it, I don't care what they're claiming or promising, it's done.

 

I don't think's it's gender biased. We see guys do this to female posters as well. I have two girlfriends who are going through it right now. Both on the backburner and cannot let go.

 

It is selfish. Very seldom do you find a dumper doing the right and kind thing by just walking away and allowing you to heal. I had an ex that was dating someone else but still trying to sniff around. They don't know whether to shytt, get off the pot, stand or sit. While they decide, you unfortunately will be what helps them propel to where they need to be.

[Elle1975]

Thanks Zahara. I understand the dumpers remorse and how hard it is to end it but it's just incredibly selfish to do such a thing. Giving the other person so much hope. In the end she is just thinking of herself.

 

I apologize if I am generalizing, but this type of behavior seems to happen more when the girl dumps the guy?

 

That's a stereotype, yes.

 

I don't really need to know the why, and how. Beside I was given a pretty clear idea of the why. I look forward, and I encourage you to do the same.

 

To try and uncover the reasons is unnecessary torture. I got a full bowl of misery, I don't need another scoop. While I understand that the need to know "why" is natural, I don't think it makes it any better.

 

Should I check his social media, or drive by his house, only to discover there was indeed someone else? nah, thanks, I will pass.

 

But hey, everybody has different ways to cope. If knowing the "why she did what she did" will make you feel better, and make you move on faster, then why not. Personally, I really don't want to know anymore than what I already know.

 

I enjoy the distance that I am putting between me, and him. Everyday I get away from misery and get stronger. Just have to want it, and use the right mechanisms/tools to reach your goal.

[me85]

I've had guys do this to me. When I was younger, I did the hanging around and older and wiser now, once they end it, I don't care what they're claiming or promising, it's done.

 

I don't think's it's gender biased. We see guys do this to female posters as well. I have two girlfriends who are going through it right now. Both on the backburner and cannot let go.

 

It is selfish. Very seldom do you find a dumper doing the right and kind thing by just walking away and allowing you to heal. I had an ex that was dating someone else but still trying to sniff around. They don't know whether to shytt, get off the pot, stand or sit. While they decide, you unfortunately will be what helps them propel to where they need to be.

 

You nailed it.

[me85]

I understand completely what your going through. My ex did the same thing, talked about our future and how great we are and then suddenly she needed space. The space turned into breaking up with me and during the first month of our breakup we pretty much talked everyday. After 2 weeks of not seeing each other we met up for breakfast and then ended up having sex and getting back together, only for her to break up with me the next day again. We didn't talk for a full week and then she texted me saying she still loves me. So we hung out again and once again got back together. And then the next day we were done again. It's been over a month now since that, I went a week for the first 2 weeks no contact and then I called her and asked her how life was going and whatever. It's a bad idea don't do it, it makes it worse. Now it's been almost 2 weeks of no contact, I still want her back, I want to feel the love she gave me when we were fully into things. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to trust someone again. So where your at is very similar.

 

Our story is IDENTICAL. It will be a year this July since my BU and I've gone through the roller coaster for sure. Weeks (periodically) of NC. Deleted him. Blocked him. Been deleted. Been blocked. Dated other dudes. My ex dating other girls but a little more seriously with his "new boo." I, however, still have not slept with anyone else. MY ex still messes with my head. He texts me everyday. One day he's hinting that he wants me back then the next day he acts like he wants the complete opposite. He just runs to me when he's fighting with his new girl. Such a jerk. I haven't been being a shoulder. I've been doing wonderful. My life's so much better. But now I'm back down again (after standing tall for months) because I accidentally slipped up, got drunk and did the whole "I still love you" drunk text which gave him power to reject and hurt me again. Which he did. I'm trying so hard not to turn cold as stone and distant from people. I'm going thru a lot more than just a BU. I'm really lonely and what few friends I have aren't real friends. I just don't have anyone to talk to. I'm trying to keep hate out of my heart because that will only hurt me and poison future possibilities. At this point though, it's really really challenging. I'm losing faith in any kind of RS with people at all. With friends, family...Sometimes I feel so desperate for connection and communication, but for the most part I feel closed off and numb. But I've been so happy up until now!

 

Sorry for ranting. I hope you're on the upward spiral soon! It's nice there.

[Virgin26]

No offense to anyone, but this situation is the dumpee's fault as well. I have been strung along for too long, and I don't blame my ex. I chose to stick around when he ended things. If the dumper can have his/her cake and eat it, then why not?! The dumpees should realize what's happening and distance themselves. I learned this the hard way, and I'll never stick around when a guy calls it quick. People have choices, and it's no use to blame the other person for giving "false" hope. We are all well aware that it's false, but we chose to cling to it because we are too afraid to let go. We could have walked away any time we wanted, but we chose to stick around!

 

As or which gender does this most, I think it's more a guy's thing to be honest. Most men have less "options" than women when it comes to dating, so they always drag the breakup for too long because they're afraid they won't find someone else, and they don't want to loose the steady and readily available physical intimacy. I've seen it happen too many times.

[jt27]

I apologize if I offended anyone.

 

I have to disagree this is the dumpee's fault. I was told many encouraging things in the months leading up to the break up (including shopping for engagement rings). You'll have to forgive me if that gave me "false" hope. Like I said, she did many things that made me feel she was in for the long haul. Looking back now, I can see some of the signs. Since I believed in our relationship and trusted her, I took her at her word even though I did get some mixed signals. I don't know if I clinged to it. I just wanted the relationship to work because I really loved her, and I thought she did too. We would talk and I thought things were fine. Obviously I was wrong.

 

I found out from my girl friends after our break up that months prior to the break up she was saying I wasn't the one for her. I didn't stick around after she ended it. She did this months before she ended it.

 

Don't worry I learned from my mistakes but I refuse to take fault for this. In hindsight, do I wish I ended it before I was strung along? Yes. But this something I would have and never have done. It is selfish, deceitful, self serving and disrespectful. I did not deserve it. That's how I feel anyway.

[FredJones80]

that months prior to the break up she was saying I wasn't the one for her

 

I think this is the issue here, people take time to realise what is right or if they're no longer interested in the relationship, this is no doubt true, I think its the length of time that's the issue here.

 

In the case of jt27 "months" isn't really acceptable. If things are going down hill for "months" then surely the other person should be opening their mouth and airing their issues so they can be resolved, communication CAN save a relationship but only if the party involved is interested in saving it. If they aren't then they shouldn't take months to end it, sure a few weeks, even a month to decide, but taking months is just unfair.

[DArtagnan2]

No offense to anyone, but this situation is the dumpee's fault as well. I have been strung along for too long, and I don't blame my ex. I chose to stick around when he ended things. If the dumper can have his/her cake and eat it, then why not?! The dumpees should realize what's happening and distance themselves. I learned this the hard way, and I'll never stick around when a guy calls it quick. People have choices, and it's no use to blame the other person for giving "false" hope. We are all well aware that it's false, but we chose to cling to it because we are too afraid to let go. We could have walked away any time we wanted, but we chose to stick around!

 

Agree 100%, except for the "too afraid" part. While that may be the case in some situations, people stick around for various reasons. More times than not, it is because we are hanging on to the person we knew from the beginning of the relationship. The one we started this journey with. But as people get comfortable and show their "true" selfs, we go in to denial and seem confused everytime because we still hold on to who we knew prior, not who they are now or have become. So when they apologize or beg for forgiveness for how they have acted, swear up and down they are not a "hot mess" we want to believe them. We have seen them in a better state. They have to be that person, not this one. So people try again.

 

This is the land of 2nd chances no?

 

but then guess what, many repeat the behavior. Its because they can't change who they are at the core. Sometimes, people get it this time and walk away, others, will try again... and again ... and again.. until they "get it". Some, never stop trying. That in itself is a whole different ball of wax. But most will, get to that point.

 

Yes, it is all choice at that point and yes, all we have to blame now is ourselves. Some get their sooner then others, but in the end everyone gets the cahoonas to do whats best for them.

[Zahara]

Don't worry I learned from my mistakes but I refuse to take fault for this. In hindsight, do I wish I ended it before I was strung along? Yes. But this something I would have and never have done. It is selfish, deceitful, self serving and disrespectful. I did not deserve it. That's how I feel anyway.

 

In hindsight, it's easier to rationalize how things should have been handled. But when you're emotional and blinded by what you feel and want, it's difficult to make let alone fathom the right decision.

 

Put all that in the past. There is no need to add fault and finger pointing to your plate. Just focus on healing from this and using this as a lesson for the future. Sometimes you have to go through the mud to learn and hopefully this will make you wiser and stronger.

[mtnbiker3000]

I apologize if I am generalizing, but this type of behavior seems to happen more when the girl dumps the guy?

 

It can definitely go both ways. However, IME it is usually executed in different ways.

 

Women usually think it through. Get support from friends and family. Grieve and mourn. All BEFORE informing their soon to be ex.

 

Men are more 'heat of the moment' and might break up during an argument or something right out of the blue. And sometimes, after realizing what they've done and letting things cool down, might go back and try to salvage the RS...

 

Of course this is not 100% always true, but it is what I have experienced and read about on here many, many times...

 

Learn to read the signs and trust your gut. I guarantee she was letting you know in different ways, but you (like me) probably ignored the red flags and signs. In the future, aspire to be smarter and stronger!!!

[Virgin26]

I apologize if I offended anyone.

 

I have to disagree this is the dumpee's fault. I was told many encouraging things in the months leading up to the break up (including shopping for engagement rings). You'll have to forgive me if that gave me "false" hope. Like I said, she did many things that made me feel she was in for the long haul. Looking back now, I can see some of the signs. Since I believed in our relationship and trusted her, I took her at her word even though I did get some mixed signals. I don't know if I clinged to it. I just wanted the relationship to work because I really loved her, and I thought she did too. We would talk and I thought things were fine. Obviously I was wrong.

 

I found out from my girl friends after our break up that months prior to the break up she was saying I wasn't the one for her. I didn't stick around after she ended it. She did this months before she ended it.

 

Don't worry I learned from my mistakes but I refuse to take fault for this. In hindsight, do I wish I ended it before I was strung along? Yes. But this something I would have and never have done. It is selfish, deceitful, self serving and disrespectful. I did not deserve it. That's how I feel anyway.

 

 

I meant sticking around after they end things. Of course we all ignored the signs leading to the breakup because we wanted the relationship to work so badly. My ex was talking about getting married, introduced me to his distant family, and the did the whole show. Then, a few days later he dumped me.

 

The mistake was to stick around when they say it's over, which is too common. People receive breadcrumbs and they chose to believe that the ex will return. Sorry to be the barer of bad news, but dumpees do have a choice to stay away after the breakup.

[johnson_j]

My ex did the same. talk about future how much fun and sex we would have and just one day it was done. For the last 2 months she has been stringing me along, talking about doing things again but we rarely did. texting me daily. I finally got irritated and asked her some questions, she just blamed me for everything. so I guess its now NC for me.