Why do you string us along?

May 6, 2014

The short of it...3 year relationship ended about a month ago and I still have this feeling of of wanting her back ever after getting my heart rippped out. She strung me along for months (found out from my girl friends after we broke up). Looking back, she never really appreciated me. It was always about her. Was incredibly cold to me during and after the break up. Said all kinds of great things to me and about me and us and our future in the weeks leading up to the break...then poof, some lame excuse and she's gone. I am still in love with her and want her back even though I know I probably shouldn't. Why!!!!!????

May 6, 2014

The wound's still fresh. It will wear off in time.

Just be sure to remain in no contact, and don't give in. Don't react to breadcrumbs such as "Hey hope you're doing alright xoxo" messages either.

May 6, 2014

Wow almost identical to my story.

3 year relationship she ended a month ago. Kissed me goodnight said she loves me with all her heart, next day breaks up doesn't even want to remain friends at the moment. Excuse was she didn't want to be with anyone just a year or so alone time - 3 weeks after BU she gets into a relationship with a guy way worse than me she met 3 days prior on a mobile dating app.

I'm a week into no contact and feeling better. Each day I feel a little tiny bit better. Each day I think about her a little bit less and each day when those feelings of longing for her and craving her come they last that little bit shorter.

Stick at it dude.

May 6, 2014

Hey jt27.

I'm sorry I can't give you a real advice... I sometimes think I want my ex back, and the BU was back in october. It's difficult to just change your mind this quickly... you've only been broken up for a month... Sorry to say this but... welcome to the roller coaster of feelings.

The length of the ride, the turns it will take it's up to you. It's not going to be fun, I would suggest you try and learn a lot about this period in particular and get familiar with the line of thought that will make you a better person... You need to understand that nobody lives this life without learning some lessons, and heartbreak is one of the most difficult lessons in life... but in the end it teaches us... the things that you learn depend on you as well... you might go and think 'I'm never gonna find anybody else' (which is BS) or you might think 'Next time I'm gonna love harder and better'....

I wish us the best of luck... I'm in the same roller coaster as you... just a couple of months ahead.

May 6, 2014

Funny thing I am starting to really accept that is over. Maybe that's the part that is killing me now...that I can't get her back. Looking back, I made some mistakes such as becoming insecure in our relationship (she was always ready to up and leave/has serious anxiety issues) and I think I held on too tight and should have let her go sooner when she was having doubts. I lost power in the relationship when this happened. She most likely lost her attraction for me and it took her months (and a new job/way out) to finally make the decision. I believe she may have started thinking the grass is greener.

I have definitely learned a lesson...or two...or five.

I couldn't have loved her any harder. If anything, I loved her too hard.

She isn't leaving breadcrumbs now. But she definitely did leading right up to the break.

Only I have reached out to her just to get cold responses...and have done very foolish things.

May 6, 2014

I am where you are. You're not alone my friend.

The short of it...3 year relationship ended about a month ago and I still have this feeling of of wanting her back ever after getting my heart rippped out.

Don't worry. The fact that you don't turn away means nothing more than the fact that you are human.

She strung me along for months (found out from my girl friends after we broke up). Looking back, she never really appreciated me. It was always about her. Was incredibly cold to me during and after the break up. Said all kinds of great things to me and about me and us and our future in the weeks leading up to the break...then poof, some lame excuse and she's gone.

Yup. I was soon to move countries and relocate permanently. We were finally going to be married this year and BAM.

I am still in love with her and want her back even though I know I probably shouldn't. Why!!!!!????

See the first point. I am still burning myself out reading post after post of reconciliation, of "theories" for breakups, of permanent departures...soon you'll find that for every reason one person gives, there's another with the opposing argument.

Know that your heart and head are no longer in sync. Keep fighting with us and letting us know how you're feeling. Do things you don't normally do for yourself. Love YOU.

May 6, 2014

Thanks Jiivy. Always nice to hear encouragement. I am doing OK but not great. I take a step forward then 2 steps back. I hear ya about reading all these posts, looking for answers, looking for hope, looking for and end to all of this. Fact is...she is gone. She has made up her mind, and that fact that I got a ring for her didn't change it.

I am working on myself and I am, in a lot of ways, proud of the way I treated her. I will get past this.

May 6, 2014

It's a really tough mindset to maintain. I'll be honest - I find it easy to write all the right things here on LS. We all get to grips with the right things to do in our minds relatively quickly.

2/3 months on, I'm still crying, I still take 5-10minutes out occasionally at work to have a mini breakdown. I still love her, dream of her and imagine all the fun she's having with her new man. Being abandoned, left for someone else - left for nothing else...it all ****ING sucks.

You're not alone anymore jt. We're in this ****hole with you

Edited May 6, 2014 by Jiivy

May 6, 2014

No use in thinking about what has already happened, start to think on what's going to happen now. Don't relive past memories, or have fantasies as to 'I could've done this or that', simply because it doesn't work at all, and it just messes up with our minds (believe me, I know you're doing it, I did it and sometimes I still do it from time to time).

It doesn't really matter if she's having G.I.G.S or not, she might have even left you for another dude... Sorry to say this, but it's a possibility... my ex left me for another man and I know how much it hurts... just try to prepare for that fact... to survive this you have to drop out... don't stalk her, don't look up on her... nothing. Just try to accept that it's over and there's nothing you can do... I'm going to recommend you one of the articles around here, it's from Barky... I think it will help you as it helped me... If Barky reads this, thanks a lot man!. (leaving you the link at the end of this post). The main thing is... there's nothing to do that will help you fix this...

You might or might not get any more breadcrumbs. Do not reach out to her... by any means... please don't do it... as you have said, you will get cold responses, which only helps you suffer more.

I'm guessing that you're around your early twenties and so is your ex? It seems to be like a pattern with girls that get new jobs, start meeting new people after a long RS, etc... Try to understand this as well and maybe think that it's good that this happened now, and not in a couple of years when you possibly would have married her and maybe even some kids... Believe me, you don't want that, that's what happened to my father with my mother and I was 5 years old at that time... not a pretty picture for the people involved.

Anyways, hope this helps... good luck

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/418763-if-youve-been-broken-up-broken-hearted

May 7, 2014

I'm at the one month mark myself. My situation is a little different though, I was in a triad, living with one guy as partners in every sense of the word, except we were platonic, and romantic with another. Both of my guys knew, liked, and respected each other a lot! My RS with my romantic interest lasted an amazing three years, we were so compatible in many ways, and rarely fought. However, at the end he dumped me, and I witnessed this lovely guy I loved turn into a cold, selfish monster! It hurt both me and my live in guy. I broke apart and had to go on meds. Stopped eating, sleeping, all the usual. I am lucky my live in guy was there, otherwise things would've been a lot worse!

One month on, I've come such a long way! I was already in therapy for childhood abuse, so I processed a lot in that way. Self-help, venting to my live in guy, crying, allowing myself to feel the hurt, changing my look up, hanging out with people who loved me unconditionally, doing things to make me happy, journaling, and owning what I did, yet snapping myself out of the self-blame vicious cycle helped me enormously! No doubt, I've still got a long way to go, but I feel myself improving a little every day.

I remember in the depths of my pain thinking that I would NEVER get over him, and life seemed bleak, without purpose. I realized I'd built my life around him, become co-dependant, and with the issues from my childhood, when we broke, all of my abandonment issues rose strongly to the fore. I realized that the only person that wouldn't and couldn't abandon me is myself! Therefore, I made *me* my first priority!

I'm a staunch advocate of NC, however I broke it the other night after day 30, and I let fly at him. When we broke, I did all the stuff you shouldn't; begging, pleading, crying, etc - I was willing to take any breadcrumbs I could from this guy, begging for his friendship! He was cold and dismissive. Part of my self-torture during my period of self-recovery was how I'd lost my self-respect! When I broke NC, I told him we could never be friends, as my friends don't treat me like crap, and he didn't deserve my friendship, to stay away from me and my loved ones. I felt a total sense of empowerment, and I feel I took back the power I handed to him during our BU.

It's tough, though! I wanted this guy to be a big part of my life, but once they make that decision to go, it's done. I've accepted this, and slowly I am returning to myself. Still feels like there's a part of me missing, though, but I'm going to let time take care of that!

You are doing really well. I'll follow your thread with interest!

May 7, 2014

Thanks for all the advice everyone. If you want more insight into my situation, see my other thread.

Maverick, I am 35 and my ex is 27. She was the first girl I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with. Probably why it hurts so much. We didn't want kids. But you are right, good thing this happened now and not 5 years from now. Looking back, I do see signs of her pulling away. I was either ignorant or just flat out didn't want to believe them. Instead, I believed all the good signs. And though she is 27, she does lack a lot of life experiences. For example, she has never lived away fro

Edited May 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

May 7, 2014

for some reason my reply got cut off...

Her lack of life experiences...she never lived away from home.

Alcemy, thanks for the advice. It is a struggle everyday still but I am getting better, I hope. I know I will escape the feeling of wanting her but right now the thoughts still flow. I made all the mistakes, one BIG one, after the break up but I am ok with doing them. I just care about her so much. Yet, she care so little as to give up. I would love to text her a whole bunch as f yous and such as it would make me feel empowered...but only temporarily. Just need to do things to make myself feel better and eventually (I hope) the pain will subside. I was always able to make her smile and she me. Something at the top of my list in partners. It's a shame she doesn't appreciate that...yet.

May 7, 2014

Even if you didn't want kids, I know for sure that you wouldn't have wanted a divorce... in the end it just sucks for everybody.

I'm 24, I may seem I don't have too much experience, but believe me, after what happened to me, I may have acquired enough experience for a lifetime. From my humble point of view, it's impossible to notice the 'red flags' or 'negative aspects' of a relationship... when we see something is not working for us, we just say it, we're simpler than women (sorry girls, but you know it's true). So don't feel guilty about not seeing the signs... it's impossible to notice the subtle details about them pulling away.

Now, try to get better at yourself, go to the gym, learn a new language, go out partying, reconnect with old friends, make mistakes, meet new women, etc, etc... Continue the NC, please, I can't stress this enough... Do not contact her by any means... even a like in instagram or a post in facebook is considered contact, so stay out of it... I know this is hard... but it must be done... if not you're going to be prolonging your suffering, and trust me, you don't want that.

Soon you're going to be able to at least fake you're ok, that you're having fun, and you'll actually feel better. The best of luck, and when you're ready, try and give your input about threads around here, pay it forward, it actually helps to help other people.

May 7, 2014

Appreciate it Maverick. Looking back I did have that feeling that something wasn't quite right with her in regards to our relationship (a 2 week break probably had something to do with that/not so subtle). After I felt like that, she would do or say something that made me feel great about us (ring shopping and her saying she likes thinking about our future). Ugh. Damn you ladies! Haha. Just kidding, I know not all of you are like that. But yes, we men, are a more simple human being. We are much easier to please.

I'm getting closer and closer to healing. I am doing things such as getting back into guitar and going to the gym. One day I hope I will get angry to make this much easier.

I will definitely share my experiences with anyone who will listen and pay it forward. This site has helped me immensly.

May 7, 2014

Hahaha! I know what you mean... My ex posted a photo of us only 4 days before the BU on instagram and facebook, with the captions 'Love you & miss you'... So yeah... f**k logic...

That's what I mean that you can't really see it... you might've had problems... every RS has them... but then, things like that happen and you feel 'safe', as the situation with your 'ring shopping'.

I wish you the best of luck and keep it up... The world changes in a second and we can't know for sure what's going to happen in the future.

May 8, 2014

Yeah...logic + women = exercise in futility. Arggg. Problem with our relationship is she didn't want to overcome the problems. She always wanted it to be easy. "It should be easy" she says. If it's not easy, it's not right to her. She was living a fantasy.

May 8, 2014

Funny thing I am starting to really accept that is over. Maybe that's the part that is killing me now...that I can't get her back. Looking back, I made some mistakes such as becoming insecure in our relationship (she was always ready to up and leave/has serious anxiety issues) and I think I held on too tight and should have let her go sooner when she was having doubts. I lost power in the relationship when this happened. She most likely lost her attraction for me and it took her months (and a new job/way out) to finally make the decision. I believe she may have started thinking the grass is greener.

I have definitely learned a lesson...or two...or five.

I couldn't have loved her any harder. If anything, I loved her too hard.

She isn't leaving breadcrumbs now. But she definitely did leading right up to the break.

Only I have reached out to her just to get cold responses...and have done very foolish things.

This is almost exactly what happened to me. I was really insecure (he kept giving mixed signals) and it just make me love him more and more but also pushed him away more and more. We moved to Japan together and he lives in a different city and now that he has a new job and new friends he doesn't need me any more.

The only thing now is to pick up the broken pieces and keep moving forward. I'm still miserable every once in a while but it's started to get easier, and I hope it gets easier for you!

May 8, 2014

Yeah...logic + women = exercise in futility. Arggg. Problem with our relationship is she didn't want to overcome the problems. She always wanted it to be easy. "It should be easy" she says. If it's not easy, it's not right to her. She was living a fantasy.

I think there are a lot of people who have this train of thought.

If it takes work then it isn't right.

Its such a bad stance to take, no relationship is going to work without work. There isn't someone so perfect in every way that you can swan through life without issues.

May 8, 2014

It really is a shame. Too often people look at what they don't have, instead of all the great things they do have. She was like that throughout our relationship in almost every situation. And it wasn't about "settling" for something. Her expectations are unrealistic. I always tried to be the optimist and help her to see the good in things. Ultimately, our relationship fell victim to that. I guess she thinks she can do better...ouch. She even said to me once "I want the fairytale". It was a losing battle from the beginning. A huge part of my realistic "fairytale" is finding someone that can make me smile. She did and I did her too (she told me constantly). I will never understand why that wasn't very important to her.

Thanks brit. I am slowly picking up the pieces. I just miss her so much. Ugh.

May 8, 2014

It really is a shame. Too often people look at what they don't have, instead of all the great things they do have.

This is a great post about the subject if you haven't already seen it :-

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/437625-i-finally-understand-why-my-last-relationship-failed#post5319687

May 8, 2014

I understand completely what your going through. My ex did the same thing, talked about our future and how great we are and then suddenly she needed space. The space turned into breaking up with me and during the first month of our breakup we pretty much talked everyday. After 2 weeks of not seeing each other we met up for breakfast and then ended up having sex and getting back together, only for her to break up with me the next day again. We didn't talk for a full week and then she texted me saying she still loves me. So we hung out again and once again got back together. And then the next day we were done again. It's been over a month now since that, I went a week for the first 2 weeks no contact and then I called her and asked her how life was going and whatever. It's a bad idea don't do it, it makes it worse. Now it's been almost 2 weeks of no contact, I still want her back, I want to feel the love she gave me when we were fully into things. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to trust someone again. So where your at is very similar.

May 8, 2014

This is a great post about the subject if you haven't already seen it :-

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/437625-i-finally-understand-why-my-last-relationship-failed#post5319687

True statements, for sure.

The last girl I tried to date was certainly expecting me to carry the load, say what she "thought" I should say and do what she thought I should do. Being considered a "nice guy" I could tell how surprised she was when after a few months of this, I decided to back away from her and the relationship. She would turn in to a completely different girl in order to pull me back in. I allowed it several times, cus just like you Jt, I, for some un-God known reason, I still wanted her. But there was a point, with our last interaction, (10 hour marathon of back and forth), and finally thought, its time to shed the toxicity from my life and only I can do that.

I enacted the no contact rule and within two weeks, she wrote apologizing. I responded politely thanking her for her words and for her to write and I wished her well.

There comes a time in everyone's life when they will get to that point of needing to shed the toxicity. You will get there. Hopefully sooner then later.

May 8, 2014

Thanks for relating colbag. We were in contact about a week ago. I am almost certain she is seeing someone else now...which hurts on a whole different level but also makes me mad. So I'll take the anger and run with it for now. I have the same feeling regarding trusting someone again. A part of me feels I won't but the other part knows I will miss out of something even better if I don't open my heart up again.

Thanks Fred for the thread

May 8, 2014

Dartagnan thanks man. You're right about shedding the toxicity. I always felt she expected me to do everything. In the end her expectations were just unrealistic. In the process of trying to fill these expectation, I lost myself and became insecure. Too worried about making HER happy and worrying less about myself. Whether this was a causality of what she did. I will probably never know. She won't contact me, since I know am pretty sure she is involved with someone else. Which hurts like hell! Watcha gonna do. Gotta persevere and keep on keepin on.

The feeling of wanting her back just got smaller.

May 8, 2014

I may never understand this. My ex strung me along for months before she finally ended. Along the way always saying and doing endearing things even talking and doing things for our future. Why the false hope? Why doesn't she realize it's worse than ending it right away? Why doesn't she understand it only makes it worse and doesn't let me down "easier"? How could someone say things that they really don't mean? Why put your bf/gf on the back burner til something better comes along? Why the lack of courage? Stupid GIGS. I am not of this practice, but she sure is. Maybe I should have picked up on it and ended it myself but I believe her when she told me certain things.

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Why do you string us along?

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