Author pushing tin Posted February 11, 2005 Author Posted February 11, 2005 StraightNow, Finally someone who get's it and isn't trying to hide behind some self righteous bull****. I fell in love with OW, or at least I thought I did. In reality it was only the idea of being in love, that I was in love with.....the warm fuzzy stuff, and the porn star sex, and the intense emotional intimacy...plus, I convinced myself that she was my soul mate (total BS). When I look at her, I just projected all of that stuff onto her, and made her the one that would fill that huge gaping hole in me that can only be filled with self love. I guess I have some work to do in this area, so I can stop creating victims, while fulfilling my own selfish needs...and stop attracting people who are also addicts that create victims on the way. Meanwhile OW's life is a complete disaster, with a divorce and little children....but she is just as much to blame. I know she is unhappy and that is why she will never be able to leave one relationship, without having the back up one ready. This I get to see with clarity today, since she is only my mirror. The blessing for me, is that I still have a chance with my wife and kids, and I am calling out for some help here people. Next step: withdrawal. I am going to hang on for the ride, for it ain't going to be pretty.
uberfrau Posted February 11, 2005 Posted February 11, 2005 So she's screwed up, and you are screwed up. SHe's a divorced woman, busy trolling for a man to compensate for her lack of self esteem-too busy to think about the kids. And you are the typical man looking to find frequent sexual satisfaction. You both are vampires. Both in it for your own selfish desires. You'll go back to her. Or she'll come back to you-she'll make your cock hard with her 'porn star stuff' (like swallowing?) and you'll cave in. Suddenly that '15%' seems like 100% doesn't it? LOL!! Keep on scratching sonny!
immoralist Posted February 11, 2005 Posted February 11, 2005 Next step: withdrawal. I am going to hang on for the ride, for it ain't going to be pretty. So true, the OW withdrawal will be a royal bitch. You'll hate the ride: No more "deep throating," the swallowing, the hyper-hormonal intensity of hot affair sex. It's all gone. Or will it be? Your OW is just a phone call away. Play her right, PT, and she'll open her legs and her mouth, again. She'll still pretend she's in a real relationship and you'll pretend that it's all about sex, and not loneliness. Will your marriage recover? Probably not fully. The affair will forever sit in the middle of your marital bed , on the dinner table and while you hold your Wife like the proverbial 800 pound gorilla. Your betrayed "marriage" might survive but it won't feel like the same marriage with which you started. The affair leeched all the color and life out of your marriage and wife. Affairs, if they don't end marriages, substantially alter how that marriage and spouse are experienced and enjoyed by the wayward spouse. The marriage, like your wife, becomes an "Other"--a stranger with whom you'll feel awkward and distant. Welcome to the cold void of a post-affair marriage. Dress warmly.
Author pushing tin Posted February 11, 2005 Author Posted February 11, 2005 don't get me wrong. i'm not blaming W for any lack of anything, in fact she is a terrific woman, who btw thinks i am a terrific person...with some issues. but immorilist, your points are well taken. It is all about lonliness. and no the OW is not a phone call away, she has moved on to her next feeding frenzy...since i already tried the phone call. that's a little harsh to say that "The affair leeched all the color and life out of your marriage and wife.". We have a huge chance of success, and yes it all depends on me. the lesson here: yes affairs are devastaingly addictive, and destroy lives. Don't have an affiar. Period. If you are tempted to have a romantic lunch with your co-worker, stop. Don't do it. if you are the victim of an affair, then i have compassion for you. the pain must be unbearable, and i am so glad you have all shared that side with me.
uberfrau Posted February 11, 2005 Posted February 11, 2005 So PT did call the other woman after the affair 'ended'...is it any surprise? *snickersnickersnicker* But "the end of the affair" here has a happy ending! Instead of pining away like all the throw-away OW's at loveshack do, this OW moved on without missing a beat. Good for her.
jmargel Posted February 11, 2005 Posted February 11, 2005 Pushing tin.. if you truly want to help yourself and your wife then you need to confess to her, after making an appointment with a marriage counselor. That's the only way you can start off clean. You will feel like the world was lifted off your shoulders once you tell her everything you told us. If you truly love your wife like you say you do, you need to do this for yourself and her. The only way to beat your problem is to face and deal with it.
StraightNow Posted February 11, 2005 Posted February 11, 2005 PT We both f'd up big time we admit, wish it didn't happen, hope it doesn't happen again, feel terrible...... want to keep our W and kids who we love and almost lost. We are pretty bad guys, but the past is the past and we need to focus on being better Husbands and Fathers. I would say don't tell your wife save her the pain, it's a manly thing to do, but you will lose her trust and probably lose her and your kids. You do what is right for you but it is a BIG risk, unless she already knows something. I have read posts from W's who's husbands have cheated and some strongly said that they wished H didn't confess a past A, if you keep cheating then you got a problem but if you are done and are going to start being faithful to your wife I wouldn't bring it up. If it's a problem and you need to come clean to get help and support and C then maybe so, but for me I couldn't put my wife through that just to releive some guilt on my part I'm stuck with that forever. Plus she would leave my a$$ so fast it isn't even funny. I've already hurt the OW bad enough and feel terrible for that I wish I didn't I want the pain and destruction to stop.
jmargel Posted February 11, 2005 Posted February 11, 2005 Only reason why you don't want to tell your wife is because you don't want to lose her. Stop that BS about saving her the 'pain'. You have already inflicted the pain. She will find out eventually. You make it sound like you are doing her a favor by not telling her. Grow some already.. You made the choice to have the affair now you need to accept the consequences. Personally I couldn't live with the fear of her finding out, it would eat me up over the years. The only way to start with a clean slate is to get everything out in the open. She deserves the opportunity to decide if she should leave or stay. What you are doing is just extremely selfish and trying to come up with any kind of excuse to make yourself feel better about the decisions you made. You are still disrespecting her by not telling her. Until you 'show' her respect (by telling her) it's going to continue to go down hill. I would say this is your life though and you do what you want, however that's not the case. This is your wife's life as well.
izzybelle Posted February 11, 2005 Posted February 11, 2005 jmargel, i'm sure i'm in the definite minority here but if i were married (still) and my H had an affair that he felt awful about and had learned from his mistake and wasn't planning on doing it again.... i wouldn't want to know. i'd rather he put it behind him and started treating me the way perhaps he'd realized he should have. i wouldn't feel the need to know. and i know you and others have reasons for believing the WS should come clean, but as you said, the pain has already been inflicted the damage has been done...why make it worse in some ways? and personally, i wouldn't feel that someone was disrestpecting me by not telling me. and yes, that's just me. the disrespect has been done by the deed. yes, maybe it's all about honesty but i think sometimes, under certain circumstances, it's best to just let it all die. Personally I couldn't live with the fear of her finding out, it would eat me up over the years. so... you'd be telling her because of your own fear of her finding out some other way and what it would do to you? i can understand that you'd rather the news come from you than elsewhere.... but ..... sounds like it's just as much for you than it is for her. so scenario one, you don't say anything, "save" her feelings but you live with the pain and fear. scenario two, you tell her, deal with the consequences, definitely, without question cause her pain, but alleviate your discomfort of hiding something. neither sounds like a great option to me. and like i said, i know i'm in the minority here, but as as W i'd prefer choice one. better it would eat my H up inside than to cause me pain i have no doubt that there are more on this site that agree with you than there are with me, and i'm not looking to get into a debate over what's right, wrong, best or worst. you can try, if you want to convince me that i'm wrong about this, but you won't because this is how i feel about this. i'm simply saying that there's at least one woman weighing in here saying that she wouldn't want to know. sometime ignorance is bliss and if it's not going to be an ongoing problem.... then i wouldn't want to know.
StraightNow Posted February 11, 2005 Posted February 11, 2005 Your probably right about alot of that I accept that. I don't feel good about any of this. Telling her does take some balls that I don't have right now I've heard both the tell her and not tell her advice? I'm choosing the not and suggesting it as an option to others. I'm being a coward about it hell ya I'm not proud of it. This whole thing was cowardly, I'm not doing it again and I'm moving forward. Maybe one day I will do the right thing according to you? Curiously what is your experience or expertise? Your thoughts seem to suggest you have some.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 11, 2005 Posted February 11, 2005 Originally posted by jmargel She deserves the opportunity to decide if she should leave or stay. Neither Pushing Tin nor StraightNow have given their wives freedom of choice in any of this. I heartily doubt that they are going to start now. Their wives did not get an opportunity to say if they would mind sharing their husbands with other women. They didn't get an opportunity to guage the risk of potentially lethal social diseases. They didn't get the opportunity to prepare themselves emotionally or financially for the ruination of their family dynamic. It's sad. Ostensibly they are two women, innocent of wrong-doing, and yet impeded by lies and prevented from having the freedom of choice that should be guaranteed to everyone. I'm going to become a complete man-hater if I read anymore of this thread. And I used to be so sympathetic to the plight of the modern-day man.
jmargel Posted February 11, 2005 Posted February 11, 2005 I agree with Lady-Jane. StraightNow.. I was cheated on, myself. Here is my story: I was with my ex-fiancee for 5 1/2 years, things were good during that time, until we moved into together (the last year). She became verbally and emotionally abusive, in which I don't even think she knew she was doing it at the time. It got really bad to the point where we broke up. I found out (she told me after it was over) that she had feelings for someone else, which was my ex best friend. We both agreed that if we went to counseling and if she was honest with me back when he was trying to get in her pants that things would have been different. She married him and had a child with him, but is now in the process of divorcing him. She was emotionally attached to him the past 3-4 months of our relationship. There was no way we could succeed as a couple with the lies she was telling me. By the way, her not telling me is just as bad as lying if I asked her & she denied it. She had alot of growing up to do, but also needed alot of counseling which I believe every couple that is involved in infedility (physical or emotionally) should get. What if your wife confronts you about it? Would you lie to her? Are you scared to goto counseling because there is a very good chance this question will be brought up by the counselor and/or your wife? It's impossible to move forward with a relationship when you still have one that's nagging on your coat-tails. Who's to say this OW won't find out who your wife is and contact her? This OW has nothing to lose. Izzybelle, I respect your opinion. I am not going to debate you or try to convince you otherwise. That's your choice. When a spouse is being cheated on, they often get mistreated by the cheating spouse in other ways as well. This often leaves the cheated spouse confused on what he or she is doing wrong. The only way to heal through all this pain is to bring it all in the open and deal with it in a way that benefits all. Often cheating will happen more than once, so then you have to say to yourself 'When should I know about this?' When he does it a 2nd, 3rd or 4th time? What about your own health? Do you want to be subject to STDs? There is alot of bad stuff out there. Not knowing or wishing the problem away is not going to make it go away. The only way to make it go away is to talk about it, and deal with the issues (btw click on the link in my signature) I talk about cheating, etc.. that I won't duplicate in here.
Author pushing tin Posted February 12, 2005 Author Posted February 12, 2005 jmargel, your experiences with your cheater are very personal, and are not consistant with everyone else's. W and I have no verbal or emotional abuse, and get along well. Yes OW could go to W if she wanted to, but she is sparing my kids from having to go through what ther kids went through. I am very tempted however to talk with OW's x-H, and give him the other side of the story. I feel that he has a right to know how far back his sick W's disease of s*x addiction, lies and deciet go...and how he has been nothing but a pawn in her game for years. She was completely remorseless in the lies that she told, and her attitude was that she could control and manipulate him to do anything she wanted....and many times would say "i can get him to do anything that i want him to do". interestingly, she was only really interested and addicted to me (which I got great mileage out of), when I was telling her that I was unavailable for anything more thatn what we had, since I was not willing to destroy my family like she did. As soon as I mentioned that I wanted more, and that I would be willing to look at separation as an option....she was completly uninterested, and in fact on to the next sick obsessive love affair. People like this never end up truly happy in the long run, since they are alway filling themselves up with something that cannot sustain lasting happiness and peace...romantic love. Since she was much more desperate to get her fix than me, she did, and always has overlapped relationships with men (which I agree is totally sick and twisted, but I too have done that), that I was able to control her very easily (or control my addiction). Now looking at her as my own mirror, everything that I said about her, also relates to me, and the issues that I am working through. I am blessed that so far, I am still alive, and my kids still have thier daddy at home loving them unconditionally. My wife and I may end up in counseling, and deal with the issues of romance and devine love vs romantic love. She is aware that I am a sex & love addict.
lynnered Posted February 12, 2005 Posted February 12, 2005 hey i didn't read all posts too many ,but i wondered did your wife ever meet your needs? i ask because i hear from men all the time she wont do this or that ,then why did you marry her ?people settle too often in life ,i don't think another ow is the answer ,but whatever you do good luck
Author pushing tin Posted February 13, 2005 Author Posted February 13, 2005 at one point in time W satified my needs sexually. after having kids things changed a lot. maybe i did marry for the wrong reasons...unwillingness to be alone, or settling because of insecurities, or whatever.
izzybelle Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 maybe i did marry for the wrong reasons...unwillingness to be alone, or settling because of insecurities, or whatever. this is a difficult thing to begin to wonder about but i'm sure it's a lot more common than many will admit. a friend of mine, who's having some marital difficulties, told me that he really shouldn't have gotten married until he was much older (i think he was in his mid-twenties when he did). i think he realizes now what he would have "preferred" in a life-partner. sometimes we put so much pressure on ourselves to settle down, be resonsible, and have a family that we do pick the "best" person at the time. i was talking with some friends a few weeks ago and we were joking around about what life would be like if we'd never had any kids. i was surprised to hear one friend say that she probably would have married someone very different if she'd never planned on having kids. don't get me wrong, she's very happily married and loves her H. we all change, some of us grow together, and others of us grow apart. recognizing and admitting that is difficult and some changes can be over come, and as i discovered, others can't.
Selkie Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 Originally posted by pushing tin don't get me wrong. i'm not blaming W for any lack of anything, in fact she is a terrific woman, who btw thinks i am a terrific person...with some issues. You think your wife is a terrific woman ? But not terrific enough to garner respect and truthfulness from you. Your wife thinks you're a terrific guy ? Great propaganda. She doesn't even know you. Are you planning to ever be honest and tell her the truth ?
Selkie Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 Originally posted by pushing tin I am very tempted however to talk with OW's x-H, and give him the other side of the story. I feel that he has a right to know how far back his sick W's disease of s*x addiction, lies and deciet go...and how he has been nothing but a pawn in her game for years. She was completely remorseless in the lies that she told, and her attitude was that she could control and manipulate him to do anything she wanted....and many times would say "i can get him to do anything that i want him to do". You sound more concerned with letting your OW ex hb know about her issues than you are about telling your indiscretions to your own wife.
Author pushing tin Posted February 13, 2005 Author Posted February 13, 2005 yes selkie, because in some sick and twisted way, i think that telling the OW's H complete back-story, it will placate my own pain. believe me, there is nothing in my head that says that telling W will take away any pain...only make it worse, and destroy other peoples lives unecessarily, as izzybelle has mentioned. c the best thing to do, is let sleeping dogs lie, stay in the recovery process which involves a hard road of withdrawal, and stay away from OW on a total no contact basis. the best clarity that i have today, is that as sick and messed up, and sexually addicted OW is, there is no way she could ever give me the security and loyalty and caring that i need, and that i was never in love with her...that was all an illusion. i was only in love with the notion of being in love. OW will continue to fix her inner lonliness by using and manipulating men, because she can, and it works toemporarily. the sad thing is that it is sooo easy to get men addicted to women, and she knows it. we are weak when it comes to fresh, strange, and wanting s*x. it is like heroin.
Selkie Posted February 14, 2005 Posted February 14, 2005 Originally posted by pushing tin the best thing to do, is let sleeping dogs lie, stay in the recovery process which involves a hard road of withdrawal, and stay away from OW on a total no contact basis. .............. OW will continue to fix her inner loneliness by using and manipulating men, because she can, and it works toemporarily. the sad thing is that it is sooo easy to get men addicted to women, and she knows it. 1. Problems with affairs, even if the howling of lust has been put out to the doghouse, one way or another the hound dog of lusts gone by has a way of rearing its ugly head. Simply put, affairs always seem to come out in the end. Many bad deeds often go undetected, but for reason affairs of the loin always seem to be revealed; even if it takes years for their existence to surface. So you can keep mum to your wife for now, but how will you handle if the day comes and your wife/children find out about it ? 2.OW can go ensnare as many men as she please, but it's a limited time offer. She's mortal and her charms will soon enough wear out. Then she'll just be a sad older biddy trying to get some. PAX
sylviaguardian Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 Pushing tin and StraightNow, I have read this post with interest, as I have been on the other side of the fence ( I am the MW). I can totally relate to you not wanting to tell your W's about your A. I can see how tempting it would be just to do the 'good husband' routine and say nothing. Here is my point of view. I found out about my H's affair. It has devastated me but part of the devastation is the fact that he has robbed me of my past. When I think of all the times we were on holiday or birthdays etc and I felt everything was great, I realise what a sham it was. How are your W's going to feel in a few years when they find out that all your 'nice' behaviour came just after you had finished with the OW? Believe me, they will not see it in a positive light. They will feel like like the biggest fools ever and you will look like the worst betrayer living. I would be very wary of the OW not saying anything. Hell hath no fury and all that....In my case, the OW's husband knows nothing about it and so far I have not enlightened him, partly because I feel sorry for him. However, I have been SO tempted. I am not knocking you here. All I am saying is that you can't pretend the A didn't happen because every day that you carry on after it is still a lie. I wish you luck, Sylvia
Owl Posted February 15, 2005 Posted February 15, 2005 I agree with Sylvia. By NOT telling your wife, you're also leaving the door open for it to happen again in the future. You're also treating your wife like a child in this respect. It's her marriage too...and she has no idea how screwed up it is right now. You're making the decision to continue this marriage in the light of your affair FOR her...and that is NOT your choice to make friend. Don't try to justify the choice not to tell her with..."it will only hurt her". It will, don't take me wrong. But...that is still just a way for you to justify not telling her...if you really wanted to avoid hurting her, you would have avoided the affair completely. You made a selfish choice in having the affair...don't compound that with another selfish choice to keep it covered up. If you want your marriage to work, the first thing you need to fix is the communication. That means being completely honest with each other...had you been following that concept before now, the affair couldn't have happened...because she would have KNOWN how unhappy you were. Again, not an attack here friend. The intent is to get you to look at this from an outside viewpoint. Tell your wife, tell her what happened, why, when, with whom, everything. Then tell her you want to work it out, which is why you told her the truth NOW. Then start counseling...for you, and for your marriage. Good luck.
gggeee Posted August 16, 2005 Posted August 16, 2005 "Does he just suck it up and enjoy what he does have, at the expense of his unfulfilled needs?" Selfish thinking is all men are made of. Someone women have been sucking it up for thousands of years. There are many unmet needs for women, only we might keep it to ourselves and make do/appreciate what we have. If you want a real marriage, I suggest you stop thinking about YOUR needs and think about how you can make your wife happier more often. You can discuss it with her your sexual "needs" in the future, but at this point you DO NOT DESERVE THAT OPTION and that ship has SAILED. You already neglected those discussions and looked outside the marriage for a fix. SHE deserves much better. Sorry!!! Next time TALK WITH YOUR WIFE LIKE AN ADULT and go from there. SHe might be more flexible towards your needs if you tried to make her see your point. Right now after you did this to her, it's time for you to THINK ABOUT HER FOR A CHANGE. I'm sure there's things she puts up with about you, but LIVES with. She deserves to KNOW THE TRUTH and make her own choice on whether to stay in this screwed up mess or not! If you respect and LOVE her that much, you wouldn't hide it and lie just so she can satisfy 85% of YOUR SELFISH NEEDS.
lynnered Posted August 17, 2005 Posted August 17, 2005 Originally posted by pushing tin at one point in time W satified my needs sexually. after having kids things changed a lot. maybe i did marry for the wrong reasons...unwillingness to be alone, or settling because of insecurities, or whatever. my MM stayed with W so long before m=M, "he was afraid of being alone" then he was with her for awhile hoping she would change then , he was ready to leave she gets preg , dummy marries her, but its hard once u get a taste of what ur missing/deserve its hard to give it up
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