Moose Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 And you men who come off all rightoues, that you would never do that sort of thing, are full of crap, and probably had your balls chopped off by your mommy. Each and every one of you has thought about the OW, or you wouldn't be on this "infidelity" forum in the first place. ???? I never have, and never will cheat on my wife, AND, my boys are still with me, ( I wouldn't let me Mom anywhere near Em').
StrawberryGirl Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Each and every one of you has thought about the OW, or you wouldn't be on this "infidelity" forum in the first place. Hmmmm....the answer to a question I've recently had.... Well I want to reply to this post, but I read it w/ a bit of bitterness in me towards PUSHINGTIN *sorry* I was the OW not too long ago...... N E WAYYYY........You come off as a very selfish person, you should be wearing a shirt that reads "it's all about me" If there is anything I could say it would be this....... Try hard to work things out with your wife ,but remember.....Not one single person in this world could fulfill %100 of your needs and wants...noone...so accept that. Your wife will never, no matter how hard you try to get her to, will never completely fullfill all of your sexual desires and so forth. From your post it does not seem like she has as much of a sexual drive as you, and that is what you need, a woman who does. When I read your post you remind me of Christian from nip/tuck (a horny toad). I don't know but maybe you should divorce your wife, make her your friend to be the person who fulfills your emotional side of things, and become a Jigalo to fulfill your sexual driven side..... Sorry but I don't think your marriage material, some men aren't , you seem to be the epitome of men who have affairs...
Cupcake Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Have you ever discussed this issue with your wife? Does she know about the other woman? The safest answer in this case is communication. If you truly love her, you should let her know ALL of your desires, no matter how selfish they may seem. If she truly loves you, she will try to understand. Maybe she will change and be more passionate with you more often. But if the two of you can't work this out by comprimise and communication together, you should get marriage counseling, and consider separation.
fanou22 Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Don't we all come here to talk about ourselves. The man is no less selfish than then next person reading and posting on this forum. For the men on this post, Whether some of you will admit it or not is not the question but most certainly all of you have thought about another woman beside your gf/w. The difference is between the one who acts upon it and the one who does not. I think we can all agree that there is not one person to fulfill the other's needs 100% so let us move away from that issue. PT, by posting, has offered himself as the scapegoat for the angry betrayed wives and the angry OWs. BWs, Take it out on your husbands not on the man who had the balls to come here and tell us about his affair. OWs, You also should take it out on the MM for not leaving his wife. PT is not your MM. If you are mad and angry at your MM than face him with it. He only laid out the truth that no OW wants to admit. IT IS SEX, SEX, AND MORE SEX.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Originally posted by StrawberryGirl From your post it does not seem like she has as much of a sexual drive as you, and that is what you need, a woman who does. It wouldn't matter how much sexual drive she had. She can't be NEW again..... Originally posted by pushing tin I just desire the fresh newness kind of feeling with the OW, that gets my heart palpitating, and palms sweating. This goes back to trying to make someone what they are not (and W is not about this for me), and reducing my needs in the first place. It's a no-win sitch. At least for the wife anyway.
uberfrau Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Pushing Tin is well advised to read St. Augustine's Confessions. Scratch it too much and you have a festering, oozing mess (ever seen a chlamydia infection?). As a grown man, one thinks you would have developed restraint in your appetite. Apparently you have not. Sex can be indulged in like food or booze-we chastise people for eating too much..drinking too much...and likewise we should chastise those who indulge in sex too much. Can Pushing Tin envision a future when he is not a slave to his urges? Humans are animals, but if we value civilization and want to maintain it, we must not act like animals. Such is farce (and tragedy) of our existence. Owl seems to think I am a most selfish person. However, JMargel is right on the money-Pushing Tin is what gives men a bad name. Most, NOT ALL, men are like him. And women married to Pushing Tin-types owe them NOTHING-especially not their FIDELITY. Fidelity is EARNED, and pushing Tin certainly has not earned it.
jmargel Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Originally posted by pushing tin A lot of good honest feedback, on this post. I am not looking for anyone's approval....I really don't care if you like me or not. I just want to see how the outside world is viewing this behavior. I know it is wrong, and at times I am completely powerless over this affliction. Seeing everyone's feedback, doesn't necessarily give me the answers....but it gives me some things to think about. Maybe, I'm not as happy in my M as I convince myself....and perhaps just too much of a wuss to do anything about it. And you men who come off all rightoues, that you would never do that sort of thing, are full of crap, and probably had your balls chopped off by your mommy. Each and every one of you has thought about the OW, or you wouldn't be on this "infidelity" forum in the first place. I'm just brave enough behind this avatar to get honest, and the pain of doing the wrong thing has got me taking some action towards recovery. BTW isn't that what this is supposed to be about?? Recovery? You are brave? Brave for what? Putting your question on here anonymously on some forum that your wife would never read? And then try to insult us knowing there is no consequences behind that? Yea.. real brave there, solider. Maybe, I'm not as happy in my M as I convince myself....and perhaps just too much of a wuss to do anything about it. That's your problem right there. Us men might think about 'other' women, and even might fantasize about one if a beautiful one goes walking by or talks to us. But 'thinking' and 'looking' are VERY different than actually going through with it and committing adultery. If you truly want recovery then you need to first see a counselor about your problem, and then confess to your wife. Unless you do that, the relationship with your wife will only be temporary. She will find out eventually, and it would be alot easier to take if you told her about it. She at least deserves that respect.
Mr Spock Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 If anyone bothered to read my post directly below PushingTin (which is a wonderful movie) you may have noticed I surmised that this isn't a real post. I dunno. It just seems odd. Not crazy odd, or suspicious odd just like the poster isn't real. Not very often someone who's CONTENT to cheat needs to seek the advice of a relationship forum. Seems to be an influx of "stories" in the infidelity forum lately. If you are real, stay the hell away from your OW or I will pray to a God I hardly believe in you get kicked in the nuts hard enough to lose a teste. And bad comparison. YOU play the part of Gabrielle on desperate housewives....your OW plays the part of the poor, young naive Gardner who's fallen hopelessly in love with a selfish, calculating person.
emopunk Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 And you men who come off all rightoues, that you would never do that sort of thing, are full of crap, and probably had your balls chopped off by your mommy. Each and every one of you has thought about the OW, or you wouldn't be on this "infidelity" forum in the first place. Hmm... I just come here for the chance to see if my view of society might be wrong. You, unfortunately, prove that my view, though it be dark and rather jaded, is disturbingly accurate. So no, I have never considered a woman other than the one I am with. By the way, my wedding tackle is present and accounted for.
Owl Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Hmmm...also find it interesting how you lash out at all the men on the post who don't share your view, PT. Well, I have to admit, you're right. I HAVE looked at a woman and had lust in my eye. And when I realized that I was doing it, I put a stop to it, because I AM MARRIED TO A WOMAN I LOVE!!!!!!!!! And, sorry friend, all of my gear is still attached and functional. I'm amazed at the purpose you provided behind your post...that you wanted to see how the outside world viewed your behavior. What...you live in an igloo above the artic circle, unable to get TV, cable, smoke signals??? That's pure BS friend....you know/knew damn well how the world views your actions...or YOU WOULDN'T BE HIDING ALL OF THIS FROM YOUR WIFE AND FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!! You stated that you wanted recovery. Now THAT is some good news. But, guess what? First step in recovery is...(everyone say it with me now!!)...ADMITTING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM. That also means taking RESPONSIBILITY for your problem. That means owning up to it...and admitting that it's wrong. So far, all you've done here is to try to defend or explain away your actions. (I'm addicted to sex, or whatever it was)....that's an excuse...the simple truth is, you're doing something you shouldn't, you know it, but you've chosen to keep doing it. Admit it homeboy, and you'll have taken that first step. Don't blame something else...see where the blame truly lies. And to UBERFRAU....yes, I do feel you are one of the most selfish, self-centered posters I've met on LS. You constantly recommend to everyone that they do as you've done...gratify themselves with no disregard to how that will impact the ones that love them. You've used many forums to justify your own actions, and tried to make it seem ok because "monogamy isn't the natural state". If you and your husband agreed to be unfaithful to each other BEFORE the marriage, I might ALMOST buy off on what you've tried to propose...but I've NEVER seen a marriage where that has happened. And THAT, boys and girls, is what makes INFIDELITY WRONG. Wow...I'm even more long winded than usual today...be afraid! LOL
SoleMate Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 I'll be honest...I think that the OP was likely real, not a troll. He is hurting because of the loos of gooies from his lover, as he stated. He actually did come here looking for advice, and in good ole LS style, we slammed him upside the head...REPEATEDLY! Reckless, your post #23 was great. Ladyjane, your point about how the wife's sex with her H is non-consensual because she hasn't agreed to what she's getting - i.e. sex with a non-faithful partner - was thought provoking and very helpful. Last point for the OP: Your first post made it sound like your wife isn't having sex with you. But then later, you admitted that she does have sex with you, but it's married, vanilla sex and not "instant-on". Have you really done the ultimate to focus on her sexually and satisfy her in such a way that she will actually CRAVE sex from you? If you want her to desire you, you need to be desirable. If she senses that you have OW and are thinking "You're an 8.5, honey", then I suspect this will cool her down a lot.
emopunk Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Advice can be considered and quickly discarded. Advice can be accepted and followed. Advice can be seen as an attack... usually in the form of a metaphorical 2x4 being swung at you. It's all given with the same intention, but what you do with with it, well... It's all in your perspective of it when you are on the receiving end.
SummerRae Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 Pushing Tin, my friend from another forum... I just read all the posts and I want to clarify something right now about Pushing Tin. He is NOT what gives men a bad name!! He is a genuinely real and good-intentioned person who like all of us is struggling to do the "right" thing. Having been an OW (not known initially)... I realize that sometimes we fu(k up, we make mistakes, we are only human. We come to these forums because in some way, we are ALL reaching out, ALL wanting some wisdom, someone else's, our own. Introspection. A look at the self (which is sometimes seen as "selfishness") is needed if we are to grow and heal and resolve issues that we ALL have. Judging and calling someone names to vent our own frustrations does nothing. When we judge, all it is is an attempt to rectify our own disowned parts of ourselves. If we want to "help" someone (which is what this forum is SUPPOSED to be about), we ideally want to provide them with perspectives they may not have on their own. New frames to see the same situation. We can do this through asking questions or sharing stories. I hardly see how we can help someone if we attack and blame and namecall. If Pushing Tin was so terribly selfish, he would not be seeking answers to these tormenting questions. Clearly his mind and heart are operating from completely different perspectives. It's not just about want vs. need. It's also about (at least I believe) Soul vs. Head. Our own individual truths vs. society's. What's right for me, is NOT necessarily right for someone else. “People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost." - H. Jackson Browne Perhaps I'm not a traditionalist, perhaps some see my views as immoral but regardless, I feel that sometimes society's view of "happily ever after" is a pile of crock. Fidelity isn't always cut out for everyone. Sometimes our souls have greater needs, to experience something beyond ourselves, in order to grow, in order to truly stretch ourselves. There is always more that meets the eye, in every situation. Pushing Tin, I wish you the best. Keep searching. Things will resolve themselves. Your friend, Summer Rae
whichwayisup Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 If Pushing Tin was so terribly selfish, he would not be seeking answers to these tormenting questions. Clearly his mind and heart are operating from completely different perspectives. It's not just about want vs. need. It's also about (at least I believe) Soul vs. Head. Our own individual truths vs. society's. What's right for me, is NOT necessarily right for someone else. I understand that, and I'm glad he can come on here and ask questions, get advice...BUT, it comes down to this now. No more OW, yet is he willing to really work on his marriage?? Come clean with his wife?? She is the one who he needs justification from, NOT US on LS!! He is who he is, and seems he isn't going to change.
Mr Spock Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 I'm not slamming him for cheating-I don't care. I'm more worried about his OW-who WANTS a relationship with him. And he won't give it. Now, she's worked up the strength to walk away-and heal-so STAY AWAY. Please.
Zoot Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 If I were in your position and unhappy with my marriage - I'd get a divorce. That's what people do. They don't play OTHER people in order to have their cake and eat it too. That's just wrong and there's no way else to look at it. If you want to diddle elsewhere - get a divorce. If you can't go there - find some porn.
mymojo Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by pushing tin I miss my lover like there is no tomorrow. When she was a part of my life, I felt more alive, sexually on fire, confident, full of ambition......and here is the crazy part: I felt as if my marriage was thriving. OK call me nuts, but there was something about getting all of the goodies (emotional intimacy, pasionate love making) from the OW that I wasn't getting at home, that took the pressure off of the W. I didn't feel friction from W because she still gave me the other 85% of the stuff that I need as a man: a caring partner, companionship, loyalty, understanding, and security, etc. I know that the OW couldn't hold a stick to those characteristics, but she was awsome at the 15% of the goodies. Follow my drift?? OW is out of the picture, and now that I have had a taste of having all of my selfish needs met, and that it took two women to do that, now I want the goodies from my W...but guess what?? That's not her deal. She is not that person, and that is not why I married her. But now I feel ruined, sort of jaded. I know what it was like with the OW (she doesn't want to be an OW anymore), and I want her back so bad I can taste her (mmmmm). Sorry. I have been putting pressure on W, and she feels it, and it is not OK to set her up for situations that make her feel like a no win. For example, today I met W at home for lunch (we both work close by), and I was in a frisky mood.....but it wasn't going down. OW would have been game in a NY second. So I get pissy...and it makes me want a lover back. What's a guy to do? Ladies? Also, has anyone had luck getting thier lovers to come back to them? Tin lol,you could be my SO... well here's the word from a woman who's very much like your wife... I'm tired of having a man who's here but who really isn't here for and with me. I'm tired of having to assume most of the practical,emotional and fiscal responsibilities of this relationship only to be treated to perfunctory,obligatory sex which is clearly given to me grudgingly. I've been looking around a bit myself and the next time I catch the eye of a reasonablly attractive man, I'm going to get my "goodies" as well !
Moose Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 I'm tired of having a man who's here but who really isn't here for and with me. I'm tired of having to assume most of the practical,emotional and fiscal responsibilities of this relationship only to be treated to perfunctory,obligatory sex which is clearly given to me grudgingly.Ummm, you're talking to the wrong people here. Your husband needs to hear this, and by hear this, I mean, hear this, and understand this. I don't get some people, if you feel this way, communicate with your SO for cripes sake.I've been looking around a bit myself and the next time I catch the eye of a reasonablly attractive man, I'm going to get my "goodies" as well !That's the answer for everyone isn't it? It's all about me and what I want. Screw the vows, screw the honor, it's his fault anyway.......bull shyte! Go for it, 'Ms. Selfish its all about me", and get your just rewards.
blind_otter Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by mymojo lol,you could be my SO... well here's the word from a woman who's very much like your wife... I'm tired of having a man who's here but who really isn't here for and with me. I'm tired of having to assume most of the practical,emotional and fiscal responsibilities of this relationship only to be treated to perfunctory,obligatory sex which is clearly given to me grudgingly. I've been looking around a bit myself and the next time I catch the eye of a reasonablly attractive man, I'm going to get my "goodies" as well ! Isn't it better to end a relationship with which you are not satisfied before becoming entangled with some other person?
emopunk Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 There is no honor anymore Moose. It, just like we that follow it, is dying out. Society seems to have no further use for us. But we still have to continue the fight for a dying credo I suppose. It's in our blood, what else could we do?
Barby Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter Isn't it better to end a relationship with which you are not satisfied before becoming entangled with some other person? Yeah what she said! Would save so many heartaches in the end to just be honest and end the one relationship where your needs aren't being met, then pursue a diff relationship where you feel indeed ALL your needs would be met! That is the ideal way anyway!
Lil Honey Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 Originally posted by pushing tin Yep...I've tried the gambit from the talks, communicating clearly my needs, and what I'm willing to give in return to get those needs met (and I've done my part)....but let me ask you all this: Have you ever tried to turn someone who is one way...into something else that they are not? Doesn't matter why or why not they are who they are, it will just push the other person away, annoy the hell out of them, and make them feel UN accepted for who they are as it....and leave you feeling regretful, guilty, like a conditionally loving jerk. Pushing Tin: Was your wife wild in the sack BEFORE you married her? Has she changed? (In attitude or physically) Do you have children? Edited to add: Have YOU changed? (In attitude or physically) and What is your wife's work schedule compared to that of your OW's work schedule? Others: Although I don't condone what PT has done, he gives some valuable insight into one of the reasons some marriages go down the tubes . . . he wants something different than his wife is providing. Although he says that he communicated his wants (or needs, depending on how you see it), it's very possible that he said one thing and she translated it into something different. Here is where, repeating the idea to be sure there is understanding helps. Either way, it must be conveyed and understood that the marriage could suffer. Also . . . it might also depend on what he wants her to do. If he wants her to hang from the ceiling fan and she is afraid of heights or gets sick on carnival rides, maybe it just isn't for her. There has to be some sort of compromise. If nothing else, he is answering questions for folks who want to know WHY their spouse cheated . . .
GuestChick Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 Tin, with all due respect, if you love your wife and it truly just about sex, then the problem appears to lie with you. Your wife isn't the one sleeping around, you are. How is it her job to fix your problem? If you aren't happy with your marital sex life, work on it together. Don't expect her just to change and be the way you want. Good hot sex takes two people. Merely whipping it out when you are getting a secret thrill out of hiding it from you wife, (the "newness" as you call it) and your lover also gets a thrill from hiding it from your wife is enough at first, but it eventually will get old anyhow, and if your wife finds out you will lose both women. After a few years in the sack with the same man, it takes real effort from an experienced, gentle, loving man to light a fire in a woman. He has to find new ways to get you going, make you feel sexy and loved, respected and cherished. In short, he has to become a better lover. You get what you give. Maybe you just aren't willing to work that hard and try to figure out what lights her fire and makes her feel sexy and hot. You aren't the same man she married and she isn't the same woman. Our needs and feelings and yes, our looks, change. I hope you won't take this wrong but, maybe you're just lazy in the bedroom. I am sure your wife is a healthy woman with needs of her own. I'm sure she'd welcome a little extra attention in the bedroom as much as you would. It's easier to justify your cheating by saying she's not that hot in bed anymore, than to work on yourself, give her some attention in the bedroom and rekindle what was once there. Lastly, do you think she doesn't know you don't respect her and you screw around behind her back? People know these things whether they admit it to themsleves or not. It's called intuition. Perhaps therein lies the problem. Wondering if your husband is unfaithful, not knowing if he loves you or not, wondering who that person is that ___( fill in the blank: rang twice and hung up; bought him lunch the other day; left her lipstick in his car, etc), can lead to alot of insecurity and lack of intimacy between the sheets. Could it be you sabotage your relationship with your wife by screwing other women behin her back to excuse your laziness in the bedroom?
StraightNow Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 Damn PT you really put it on the table nice. Not to say I agree with everything you say but appreciate the honesty. A lot of what you said makes sense in my sich, although I think I cared more about my OW than you may have I'm not sure what your feelings were entirely. We both put them through some crap though unfortunately. Your 15% 85% makes sense mine was more 95% 5% and it probably could have gone both ways W and OW are both great. Why I strayed was most likely the newness was a big factor too those feelings are tough to overcome. The sex was good on both ends and the OW grew more wild with time but that wasn't the difference maker in the beginning. In the end I do miss the porn star stuff we used to do but not more than the friendship and talking. It could still be going on I guess but I didn't want to put her through the pain and the guilt I felt from cheating and for her having to be #2 it was really hurting her and if you really care about them you can't do that to either the W or OW is the way I felt. You seem like yours is more of a sexual thing it was big part of mine too I guess I wouldn't say I'm an addict but maybe I'm in denial? I do miss her desire to try anything anywhere anytime but also the normal stuff and non sexual stuff. My W is not as willing as that but very able and when we get some drinks going it can be just as wild. Maybe you should both get liquored up and lower her inhibitions to get a little more freaky? It sounds like the OW raised your expectations by giving you some higher feelings now I would suggest you focus solely on making your W have the best "O" ever something that is so far above the norm that her expectations for sex match yours. Nothing against you but you might need to introduce some double A's into the picture. Some women that have never experienced those in addition or in combination with a D love it. Being simply romantic can work just as well as a little freaky. I'm no expert so take it for what it's worth.
Matilda Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 Nothing against you but you might need to introduce some double A's into the picture. Some women that have never experienced those in addition or in combination with a D love it. Huh?
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