I just want the goodies, is that so wrong??

[pushing tin]

I miss my lover like there is no tomorrow. When she was a part of my life, I felt more alive, sexually on fire, confident, full of ambition......and here is the crazy part: I felt as if my marriage was thriving.

 

OK call me nuts, but there was something about getting all of the goodies (emotional intimacy, pasionate love making) from the OW that I wasn't getting at home, that took the pressure off of the W. I didn't feel friction from W because she still gave me the other 85% of the stuff that I need as a man: a caring partner, companionship, loyalty, understanding, and security, etc. I know that the OW couldn't hold a stick to those characteristics, but she was awsome at the 15% of the goodies. Follow my drift??

 

OW is out of the picture, and now that I have had a taste of having all of my selfish needs met, and that it took two women to do that, now I want the goodies from my W...but guess what?? That's not her deal. She is not that person, and that is not why I married her. But now I feel ruined, sort of jaded. I know what it was like with the OW (she doesn't want to be an OW anymore), and I want her back so bad I can taste her (mmmmm). Sorry.

 

I have been putting pressure on W, and she feels it, and it is not OK to set her up for situations that make her feel like a no win. For example, today I met W at home for lunch (we both work close by), and I was in a frisky mood.....but it wasn't going down. OW would have been game in a NY second. So I get pissy...and it makes me want a lover back.

 

What's a guy to do? Ladies?

 

Also, has anyone had luck getting thier lovers to come back to them?

 

Tin

[Mr Spock]

Find a new one-one who's preferably married. It's not fair to your OW to lure her back if she wants more from you than what you're willing to give her. If you won't give her a valid relationship, stay away.

[Mr Spock]

And PS-speaking from a purely biased point of view, why don't you think the OW could offer you loyalty, understanding and secuirity?

[whichwayisup]

And PS-speaking from a purely biased point of view, why don't you think the OW could offer you loyalty, understanding and secuirity?

 

He already answered that in his post...

 

I felt more alive, sexually on fire, confident, full of ambition......

 

now that I have had a taste of having all of my selfish needs met, and that it took two women to do that, now I want the goodies from my W

 

Now he wants all the goodies...That is what he thought of her...No mention of caring, compassion, friendship...just 'goodies'....

 

I know that the OW couldn't hold a stick to those characteristics, but she was awsome at the 15% of the goodies. Follow my drift??

 

THERE is the answer Spock...He doesn't see it in her to give him long term relationship. Only sex and his needs, his desires and selfishly he misses having his cake and eating it too.

 

Tin,

Divorce your wife, stay away from the OW and start over. There are women who can offer you both in one package deal.

 

You're being real awful to both women, mostly your wife!! Does she even know about the OW even though it's over?? And good for OW for deciding to break it off...She doesn't need yer crap and the pain you've probably caused her either!!

[Mr Spock]

Not quite WWIU-he says "the OW can't hold a stick to those comparisons" and I'm curious to find out more, and why he feels that way.....

 

 

If it's a real post.

 

 

I do agree with you, and I was actually wondering why men don't marry women they like AND like to have sex with when I was on the can a moment ago. There are women who have all of that...the caring AND the noon bang.

[uberfrau]

Visit the local gloryhole.

 

Buy a hooker.

 

Jerk off

[fanou22]

Finally a MM posting on here.

 

Please people let us not scare him away.

Some of us would like some answers.

[Ladyjane14]

Did you ever tell your wife about the OW? Does she know that she is in some sort of competition with other women to meet that 15%?

 

How could she understand the seriousness of the situation if she has no idea it exists?

 

Did you protect her from STD's, btw.? If not, you ought to address that.

[jmargel]

Pushing tin.. you are the reason why us men are given 'bad' names. Do your wife a favor and divorce her. Let her find someone who will truly appreciate and love her. What you are after is lust and lust is something that won't last forever no matter who you are with.

 

How would you feel if your wife gave another man "a caring partner, companionship, loyalty, understanding, and security"? Everything that you adore about your wife, she has given that to another guy? Think about that the next time you think about this OW.

 

Also, has anyone had luck getting thier lovers to come back to them?

 

No. In the end it never works out. You can't have two women, unless you're mormon. You are only thinking about yourself and you should really evaluate your life. Continuing on this track, you'll end up a lonely and depressed man.

[LucreziaBorgia]

This man isn't going to divorce a woman who fulfills nearly all of his needs - I'm sure he's fairly content with the needs that she does fulfill. No matter how heinous or morally outrageous it sounds to others, there are needs that his W just can't fulfill for him, and he has made it clear that he wishes that she would fulfill those needs because he'd prefer to have them with her. Here's the clincher: the W has no intention of fulfilling those needs.

 

So, what is H to do if the W is making it clear that she does not wish to fulfill all of his needs? Does he just suck it up and enjoy what he does have, at the expense of his unfulfilled needs? Does he find another OW who will fulfill those needs, even if he would prefer his wife fulfill them?

 

My question is: does your W know what it is you need from her? I would suggest that if you really want to address those needs and work on a compromise which will work for you both, that you will need to set up some counseling. I seriously doubt untangling this will be a matter of a "good old fashioned heart-to-heart". You'll need to address the very tough issue of needing more from the marriage than what you are getting, and trying to find a way to have the greater part of your needs met by one person. Sometimes something like that, which requires blunt honesty and disclosure can best be handled by an objective professional third party which will help the two of you get past the very subjective hurts/slights in order to get the issues solved instead of just "fighting it out". Your wife has to be willing to make compromises too - if she doesn't and is inflexibly unable and unwilling to even consider addressing your needs and put forth some sort of effort to help you get those needs met, then you will have to make some hard choices.

 

I hope that you two can work it out. If you want to tip the balance in your wife's favor you'll have to put other lovers out of your mind as best as you can and try to make a commitment to working it out.

[Ladyjane14]

Needs and Wants. Wants and Needs.

 

I have needs. I need a housekeeper, because I don't want to do it myself.

 

Alas, I fear my needs will be unmet today.

[Owl]

LOL...this post sounds like my job!!! I work in a situation where I have to help people define what they NEED to do their job...and to be able to differentiate between what they WANT, and what they NEED.

 

Tin- You don't NEED what the OW provided...you just WANT it. Guess what...there are things that I would WANT my wife to do for me too...and that "nooner" thing works right in there....but I don't NEED it to be happy in my marriage. I NEED her to be honest, open, loving, caring, considerate, etc, etc...

 

I have to agree with some of what I've heard here...if you truly, HONESTLY feel that your wife can't meet your needs...then you need to either work on getting those needs met by starting counseling, identifying what needs you have to have met, and working out how to have them met in the bounds of your marriage. That works the other way around...because it's entirely possible (probable) that you're not meeting her needs either. (Or is that wants?) Or you need to end it now. It's not fair to her, nor is it fair to yourself.

[pushing tin]

let's touch on some of these thoughtful comments....some true, and some that are total crap:

 

Owl said:

"Tin- You don't NEED what the OW provided...you just WANT it."

 

I wasn't born yesterday. I know the difference. It's a vicious cycle of self will run riot...and did I mention that I am an adrenaline junkie...

 

 

LucreziaBorgia said:

"his man isn't going to divorce a woman who fulfills nearly all of his needs - I'm sure he's fairly content with the needs that she does fulfill. No matter how heinous or morally outrageous it sounds to others, there are needs that his W just can't fulfill for him, and he has made it clear that he wishes that she would fulfill those needs because he'd prefer to have them with her. Here's the clincher: the W has no intention of fulfilling those needs."

 

Seems like LucreziaBorgia has been around the block and has a little wisdom to share for all to hear. She gets it.

Yep...I've tried the gambit from the talks, communicating clearly my needs, and what I'm willing to give in return to get those needs met (and I've done my part)....but let me ask you all this: Have you ever tried to turn someone who is one way...into something else that they are not? Doesn't matter why or why not they are who they are, it will just push the other person away, annoy the hell out of them, and make them feel UN accepted for who they are as it....and leave you feeling regretful, guilty, like a conditionally loving jerk.

 

BTW anyone who claims that they love another adult unconditionally, is talking out of their a*s. This is idealism, and all adults with the exception of Jesus Christ, and the Dali Lama are truly capable of loving another adult unconditionally. THERE ARE ALWAYS CONDITIONS. Loving your children unconditionally is a different story. That is real.

 

So to be an evolved human, and be in touch with our spirit...what is necessary, is looking within, and determining why we have certain needs in the first place right?? Find out why we have that gaping hole inside of us that we try to fill with stuff...materialism, music, fantasy, escapism, sex, love, food, etc. Why am I so high maintainance that I have more needs than the average Joe? Could be a crappy childhood, and all that blame my parents crap, or an explanation can be found in Darwinism....but the bottom line, is that the needs are persistent....nagging, obsessive, and can make a person insane.

 

jmargel said:

"What you are after is lust and lust is something that won't last forever no matter who you are with. "

 

You are so very right.

 

jmargel said:

"How would you feel if your wife gave another man "a caring partner, companionship, loyalty, understanding, and security"? Everything that you adore about your wife, she has given that to another guy? Think about that the next time you think about this OW."

 

I know...I'd feel pretty crappy.

 

Ladyjane14 said:

"Did you ever tell your wife about the OW? Does she know that she is in some sort of competition with other women to meet that 15%? "

 

In not the same words....but I did mention that our M is in jeapardy because of my unfullfilled requests, and she got the message, and is trying harder.

 

To keep the record on track people, W does have s*x with me. But it's normal s*x like most people in long term relationships have....nothing over the top...just there, and not terribly unsatisfying. I just desire the fresh newness kind of feeling with the OW, that gets my heart palpitating, and palms sweating. This goes back to trying to make someone what they are not (and W is not about this for me), and reducing my needs in the first place. If you are trying to judge me as a s*x addict, don't worry, I have already made that anouncment to myself....so you'd be preaching to the choir. I'm currently in a program of recovery.

 

Mr Spock said: "And PS-speaking from a purely biased point of view, why don't you think the OW could offer you loyalty, understanding and secuirity?"

 

Watch "Desperate Housewives". Do you think that the hotty with the gardener, could really get all of her selfish needs met from the gardener? Enough said.

 

Mr Spock said:

"It's not fair to your OW to lure her back if she wants more from you than what you're willing to give her. If you won't give her a valid relationship, stay away."

 

I think Spock, you have summed it all up. Stay away, and don't hurt OW with my selfishness. This affliction of mine has hurt plenty of people in my past...left a trail of victims...broken hearted, done living lies with me.

 

The only way to peace and lasting happiness, is not acting out on the things that create pain and insanity, and getting grateful and appreciative of what I have, cherishing it to the end. All good on paper, but harder to live with a broken head an heart like mine. I will try one day at a time to do the right thing, that's all I can promise.

[Moose]

The truth of the matter is, you can't have it all. You can for a short while, but eventually, whomever you choose will fall short of your needs in one area or another. That's a realization you're going to have to come to grips with.

 

BTW, I don't think you deserve to be married if all you think about is your needs.

[blind_otter]

Maybe this is a personal issue - unrealistic expectations in relationships? Relationship and/or sex addiction?

[Owl]

Well, I find your response to my thoughts to be interesting. You freely acknowledge that these are your WANTS...but not your NEEDS. But YOU are the one jeopardizing your marriage over them...not your wife. I can see raising the flag to my wife, and letting her know that our relationship is in trouble because she's not meeting my NEEDS....but stepping out on her because I WANT to....nope.

 

I think that Moose has the right of it....all I see in your post is me me me me, I, me, I me. Sorry friend...marriage is about two people being TOGETHER. Working on THEIR needs...THEIR wants. Not one selfish person doing whatever he feels like cause it feels good. I don't doubt that if I went looking, I could find someone outside of my wife who could "rock my world" in bed....BUT WHY WOULD I??

 

Not sure what the purpose of your post was. I can't imagine that you're getting a ton of people here who'll support your views. I personally suggest that you divorce your wife so that she can find someone who'll remain faithful, and marry Uberfrau. You two sound like you'd be perfect together. A chance for the both of you to act out on whatever desires please you at the moment, with total disregard to impacts to someone you love.

[Ladyjane14]

So, why is it that you feel you should have your needs met, but your wife shouldn't have hers met?

 

I can't imagine that she has a need to have her husband out f*cking other women. I can't imagine that she has a need to be exposed to whatever cooties you bring home to her, including the possibility of hiv/AIDS.

 

Why are your needs more important than hers?

 

In answer to your original question of how to get the OW back....Divorce your wife. You'd be doing her a favor, really. Who would want to live the rest of their lives as a second-class citizen in their own relationship?

 

Hell, the sexual relationship that your wife is having with you right now can't even be considered as consensual. She doesn't even know the risks she's taking.

 

I think all things considered, your wife's needs for safety and protection clearly out-weigh your need for more exciting sex.

[FolderWife]

YES IT'S WRONG!!! IT'S VERY WRONG!!!

 

You greedy man you

[Spira]

Originally posted by Moose

The truth of the matter is, you can't have it all. You can for a short while, but eventually, whomever you choose will fall short of your needs in one area or another. That's a realization you're going to have to come to grips with.

 

BTW, I don't think you deserve to be married if all you think about is your needs.

 

*applause*

 

This whole conversation is starting to resemble a Jerry Springer episode where the studio audience is giving the guest a peice of their mind. lol. Actually, a lot of LS threads give me that mental image...

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Owl

Not sure what the purpose of your post was. I can't imagine that you're getting a ton of people here who'll support your views. I personally suggest that you divorce your wife so that she can find someone who'll remain faithful, and marry Uberfrau. You two sound like you'd be perfect together. A chance for the both of you to act out on whatever desires please you at the moment, with total disregard to impacts to someone you love.

 

I'm not sure what the point of his post was either. He's not going to be getting support here, is he? From the types of women that he and other MM have hurt? Nope, not gonna happen.

 

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

So, why is it that you feel you should have your needs met, but your wife shouldn't have hers met?

 

He's already admitted - not in so many words, but still - that he is a sex addict. Any addict isn't going to give a darn about anyone else's feelings, needs, emotions, etc. Until he truly breaks from that addiction, his conduct will forever be internally driven by his own selfishness.

 

 

Question presented:

He acknowledges all of our comments and says that we are all correct. Hmm. I truly wonder if his post is "real" or if this is some phantom person mocking us with a fake post.

[jmargel]

jmargel said:

"What you are after is lust and lust is something that won't last forever no matter who you are with. "

 

You are so very right.

 

jmargel said:

"How would you feel if your wife gave another man "a caring partner, companionship, loyalty, understanding, and security"? Everything that you adore about your wife, she has given that to another guy? Think about that the next time you think about this OW."

 

I know...I'd feel pretty crappy.

 

Yea, then why do you continue to do this knowing how you would feel if your wife was doing this? Are you going to continue onto the next woman after the lust of this OW is gone? Do you have any idea that not only are you destroying the trust and love you have with your wife but you are also putting her at risk with STDs?

 

You said you are in a recovering sexholic program? Do they know what you are doing right now? I would highly suggest seeing a counselor, not only for the marriage but for yourself personally.

 

If you want to dispute on how other's judge you it's because they are thinking of your wife. Something that 'you' clearly are not. The world does not revolve around you, everything is *not* about you. Have you really sat down and thought about the pain and confusion that you are putting your wife through? Would it be ok for her to sleep with another man? To have her say how much she loves you and is there for you, while she has sex with another man? Her words would become meaningless, just like your words to her are becoming.

 

If you think she's going to stay around forever while you continue to cheat on her, then you have a big surprise coming. There are *alot* of men out there that would cherish what she would give without having to resort to another woman to fulfill his *needs*, which I would say are unrealistic in your part. Every relationship goes through stages, you are looking for the lust that comes with puppy-love. Hopping from woman to woman to keep experiencing that feeling is prohibiting you from fully loving someone (your wife).

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by KissMyTiara

He acknowledges all of our comments and says that we are all correct. Hmm. I truly wonder if his post is "real" or if this is some phantom person mocking us with a fake post.

 

This is perhaps the best question of the day KMT.

[Reckless]

Hi PT, a few thoughts:

 

You express yourself as if what your suffer is something unique and not something that is in fact part of the human condition. Love, infatuation, lust, the sheer adrenalin rush of being with someone 'new and 100% available to fulfill your needs' is as addictive as heroine. But as you've found from experience, no one stays in that place forever - even OW had to move on.

 

Fact is, we usually 'trade' in that hot, dangerous adreneline rush for something deeper and ultimately more satisfying. If its not more satisfying (I didn't say more exciting, but if it doesn't give you the sense of 'rightness' for want of a better word) then don't look for another OW to fill the gap, look at your marriage. Maybe it's not for you or you're not for it.

 

Men (and women) have been trying since the beginning of time to have their 'totty' and eat it and it cannot be done. Accepting this is not condeming yourself to a life of misery, second class sex gazing out into the middle distance and dreaming of more, it's accepting that nature of love and lust. Do you not think that monogamous relationships would have long died out if someone had cracked the cake-eat problem?

 

A great sex life is more than possible with your 85% lady but no one person will fulfill all of your needs all of the time, that's just silly. I can't help wondering if your 85% lady is really that eighty-five per cent at all. I seems to me if she fulfilled so many of your spiritual, intellectual and emotional needs you both wouldn't have too much trouble working on the sexual part and you would have had a real hard time cheating on her.

 

The bone deep satisfaction (with a little afternoon delight thrown in for good measure) is more than doable with your own wife since 90% oh alright 85%, of sex really starts in the head so I can't help but think that you and your wife are not on that much of the same wave length or that there are other problems lurking behind the 'oh I'm just a sex addict' thing you've got going there. No disrespect, I'm just saying that your post implies that you've both done all there is to be done and any more would be trying to 'change' that person. You still remain you if you bring your expectations in line with the real world and she remains herself while adjusting to some of your genuine needs.

 

If you're with the right person they may not be 'right' every minute of the day, but they will be right enough not to even dream of trading them in for someone else or feeling that your life would be just perfect if you could have your wife's blow-up sex kitten twin over to perk things up (no pun intended) from time to time. Wanting to be happy is not greedy but you may want to read Monday's post again if you want it all.

[pushing tin]

A lot of good honest feedback, on this post. I am not looking for anyone's approval....I really don't care if you like me or not. I just want to see how the outside world is viewing this behavior. I know it is wrong, and at times I am completely powerless over this affliction. Seeing everyone's feedback, doesn't necessarily give me the answers....but it gives me some things to think about.

 

Maybe, I'm not as happy in my M as I convince myself....and perhaps just too much of a wuss to do anything about it. And you men who come off all rightoues, that you would never do that sort of thing, are full of crap, and probably had your balls chopped off by your mommy. Each and every one of you has thought about the OW, or you wouldn't be on this "infidelity" forum in the first place. I'm just brave enough behind this avatar to get honest, and the pain of doing the wrong thing has got me taking some action towards recovery. BTW isn't that what this is supposed to be about?? Recovery?

[whichwayisup]

I'm just brave enough behind this avatar to get honest, and the pain of doing the wrong thing has got me taking some action towards recovery. BTW isn't that what this is supposed to be about?? Recovery?

 

Yup, you're brave Tin...But if this is about recovery and you being brave then why have you not told your wife about your affair with the OW? If you really want recovery, DO just that...Then it could be YOUR wife posting on here about infidelity and her husband cheating...And how now her life is pieces, her husband ruined her and broke her heart, no trust and faith left to go on and live a normal happy life.

 

BTW anyone who claims that they love another adult unconditionally, is talking out of their a*s. This is idealism, and all adults with the exception of Jesus Christ, and the Dali Lama are truly capable of loving another adult unconditionally. THERE ARE ALWAYS CONDITIONS. Loving your children unconditionally is a different story. That is real.

 

We all TRY to love unconditionally...Only pets and children LOVE US unconditionally.