idiotnumberone Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 This got so long so short version is. Girl at work pursued me very strongly, almost alarmingly, started dating, I held back for too long because of age difference concerns. Calls me a psychopath and a stalker now for reasons I don't understand. Last summer a new girl started where I work, first time we spoke was after a team lunch and there was definitely something there. I didn’t pursue because I never believed in dating people from work, and I thought she was probably too young. (I’m 35, thought she was about 25). She started e-mailng me though, started innocently but definitely showing interest. So we flirted a bit for a while, mostly her initiating, but I really thought her quite special and fancied her a so I didn’t discourage her. Fast forward about a month of two of this, she started mentioning how we could meet up when out. And she started doing things I found a bit odd (stalkery) like commenting on the stuff that was in my folder on the company server, using Foursquare to check in to places where I was nearby, and later she said jokingly she had to remove the app from her phone because she couldn’t help stalking me. A good friend at work I confide in said he thought she was acting quite weird… but I really liked her so I was fine. We finally ended up on a job related night out, I think she actually ditched her plans to be there. We chatted all night and when we walked to the station she stopped and kissed me. She also told me she was only 22 and that she didn’t think it was a problem at all. I asked her out after that and we started dating, after a few dates she made it clear to me that she just wanted ‘a bit of fun’ nothing serious and I thought that was probably best because of the age difference. I stupidly didn’t realize she didn’t mean that at all, because after a while it became apparent that she was really very eager for something more. She started saying things like, how lucky she was and how amazingly hot I am. And I may not be ugly but it was quite over the top. I held back quite a lot and I thought that is what we had agreed and at one point she called me out on it. I told her that the age difference was an issue for me because I was afraid of getting hurt. Me not being ready had left my (older) ex in a tough position (single and no kids at 36 when I broke up with her). She said she understood I thought, and we kept taking it slow. Both busy people anyway so we only saw each other once or maximum twice a week, but the time we did spend together was amazing. We liked the same things, she inspired me in many ways. She is very smart, funny, cute and a bit geeky and awkward which I love. She kept being the one who made the effort to get me interested but I was (foolishly) holding back, afraid to completely fall in love and her leaving with a guy her age a few years down the line. It didn’t occur to me how selfish I was being. I’m not usually. I almost ended it once or twice, but I was starting to fall in love with and couldn’t say no to her. Problem was that she was to go away for a month in december, and this was late november so timing was bad. I said we should leave it and see how we felt in January and she grudingly agreed. She kept sending me love texts and stuff from her holiday though and I was now really falling for her, if not admitting it to myself. She came back, we met up for a drink to talk things out. I told her I really liked her and wanted to move forward but if we could take it a bit slow. She said, that would be difficult because we couldn’t just start over. I understood and I agreed. At this point I was at a crossroads, but I dilly dallied too long not realizing (because she was so full on) how fragile it situation had become. I also think that I started over thinking everything, probably because I had fallen for her by now. She quickly asked me to go to make-a-wish foundation valentine ball with her for which she had tickets. She mentioned that it would be with her whole family. I wanted to meet her family (they seemed amazing) and I wanted to go to the ball with her. But I didn’t really feel like meeting her whole family at such a swanky event. I told her and she became so disappointed. I think this was the final straw. I guess I was a bit of a coward, but I just wanted a bit more time. I dragged my feet for too long and she gave up on me. I wanted to move forward in a nice way so I bought a holiday for us, and I wanted to surprise her with it. But I ****ed that up as well. She had asked for a bit of time to think, I had fallen for her and was really excited about it all and foolishly thought that everything would work out now. I let her have her time when I should have told her about the holiday straight away but I didn’t want her to think I was only buying the holiday to make it up to her. (If that makes sense) But I had broken her heart and turns out she couldn’t forgive me. In hindsight I should just have given her the holiday and the letter I had written right then. (bought it before the day of the ball). I wanted to but my friends assured me that “she was probably just making a statement” or something. Worst advice ever. We had a few complicated weeks where I kept telling her how I felt and she was being pretty standoffish. In the end she kinda broke it off and I had to tell her about the holiday, it made her second guess and said she need time to think (again) but the feeling I had was good we bantered a little for the first time in a while. Problem was that as time advanced it was only a few days away and I couldn’t move it. Friend again advised me to just go on my own as 1. she was making me wait. and 2. it would show her that the holiday was not a lie I concocted to sway her. Sounded like sensible at the time so when I flew out I wrote her a long message saying how I wish she was going with me and stuff like that. I didn’t have much reception where I was so couldn’t check messages for a couple of days, but she wrote back “Wow” and another message about how my holiday was. I came back after a week and asked her to meet me. We did and she basically said it was over, she didn’t like me or love me anymore. Reiterated that I broke her heart and she couldn’t for give me. I was dumbfounded… I guess I had been so excited about us being together that I had been blind to this possibility and looking back it made me look like an idiot so full of myself I couldn’t understand why she didn’t jump in my arms. She rushed off and I didn’t even get a chance to give her the gifts I had bought on my trip. I wrote her a letter the same day, put the gits in it where I told her how much she meant to me. That I had been an idiot, asking for forgiveness. I left work early, went to her place and put it in her mailbox. She responded the next day by email, thanking me but saying that we were broken and couldn’t be fix and neither did she want to. I quickly replied, a bunch of drivel really but honestly just asking for her to give it a second chance. No reply. So I did a papercraft thing with her car matching my letter about wanting to go on trips in her car. (Something we’d talked about a lot). Still no reply. It was clear to me that she didn’t actually believe that I loved her. And I thought I’d give it another go, waited for her outside her door a few days later with breakfast from McD (inside joke about “who the hell eats breakfast at McD), we had always talked about having breakfast in the park on the way to work. When I saw her she didn’t look impressed, and I stumbled over the words like I was 15. I tried to tell her I loved her but she didn’t seem to believe me and it ended with her saying how I was weird and a stalker for showing up at her house “Don’t talk to me unless I talk to you”. I would agree if we hadn’t just spent a few months dating, I wasn’t just some random guy from work. Besides it all started out with her kinda being a bit stalkery… so wtf. Devastated. I tried to avoid her at work for a couple of weeks but when we did bump into each other she kinda made a show of ignoring me. Made things even more awkward. So after a few weeks I wrote her an email asking if we could clear the air seeing as we would be working together and It would help me get over her. She didn’t reply for a while and I decided to leave it at that. Then she did reply and said that she would do it if it made me feel better and get over her… she put ‘get over me” in quotation makes clearly indicating that she still didn’t believe I had fallen for her. We met and I started apologizing for taking too long and she was just looking at me with this evil stare. It was burning holes in me and I asked “Why do you hate me so much?” She said something about not at all really angrily. I made the mistake of saying something akin to “Obviously you do by the way you are reacting!”... idiot I know. She stormed off, I went after her and she just said “You are a psychopath”. What could I reply to that? So this was about 3 weeks ago and we haven’t spoken since. We still see each other randomly at work even though she is obviously trying to be exposed to me as little as possible. When we do see, she smiles without feeling. Problem is. I am stupidly in love with her. The idea of her thinking of me like that kills me, the idea of her not believing how I feel kills me. The thought that I ruined everything because I didn’t show her how I felt clearly enough, or the timing was wrong kills me. I don’t really know what I am asking you guys, I just want to be with her but I know that will never happen. But I still just feel **** about how everything ended (obviously). Everyone is telling me just to get over it… but it’s not that easy. I have never actually had my heart broken before and I end up doing it myself. So odd. My good friend who sat next to her for the whole deal says that I am beating myself up. And that even at work she wants something badly until she gets it and then throws it away. She even mentioned this type of behavior herself once referring to a Uni course I helped her apply for. She didn’t want it once she got accepted. I guess I would just be happy to get anybody's take on this whole thing. My friends say I didn’t do anything wrong and she is just acting like a child. But I know her well and respect her more than most people and I don’t believe she is acting like this without actually thinking that I am some kinda psycho. :( I was always honest with her, maybe too much sometimes. I truly didn't do enough to show her how I felt. (Came across as selfishness) I rejected her too much which got amplified by how much she pursued me. (I even rejected her sexually at times... mostly because of temporary medical condition... longer story but it is probably pretty significant.) So? anyone get this far?
Diana94 Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 What I don't think is fair is that you are blaming yourself. You expressed your idea to go slow because of age concerns, she rejected them, immediately invited you to meet her family despite your concerns, and reacted to you with a cold shoulder when you declined. It's sounds as if she was being selfish and made it all about her. The last thing I would do if I met a guy who wanted to take it slow would be to invite him to meet my family. That wouldn't be fair at all. You showed her that you cared about her and I think the things you did were sweet. However, just think about how the relationship would have progressed if she acted that extreme from you rejecting one event even when you went out of your way to show her otherwise. You deserve someone who would actually listen to how you feel and not act on the complete opposite. She knew that you were on the fence about the relationship from the break in December but still only wanted what she wanted. You did everything you could to show her what she meant to you but she insisted on making you feel like you do now. Can you really be with someone who says that they don't like or love you anymore after such a short time and over something that wasn't even that big to begin with? It's upsetting that you are so hurt over someone that treated you as if you weren't even a person with your own thoughts and concerns. She stares at you like that to get a reaction and she tells you for a while that she just needs to "think" but I think that she knew for a while that she didn't want to be with you but still wanted some attention from you. I really hope you feel better soon and just know that there is much better out there for you.
Author idiotnumberone Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 Hi, Thank you for replying. I think the invite to the ball was a bit strange in isolation but I bet she felt I was rejecting her a lot and maybe it was a way to force the issue. I don't know. Maybe it helped her make the decision to end it. I do think she was in love at one point. I am pretty sure actually. And I don't really think she is trying to make me feel bad I really don't, she isn't that kind of person. I think she is doing it for herself. She is trying to move on and the easiest way to do that is to see as little of me as possible. And if she feels the only way to get distance from me is to hurt me I guess she thinks it is worth it. She gave up on it because she didn't feel like I loved her back and I totally understand why she would feel that. I was not doing what a guy should be doing. I still adore her and I yeah I wish she would forgive me and give it another shot but know it is over. She will never go back there. But I just wish we could at least be on civil terms. M
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