First heatbreak, after a 4 year relationship.

[Sunbathe]

Well his mom came and got his stuff this morning. We didn't really talk much, she just hugged me and told me she loves me. The whole exchange only took a couple of minutes.

 

Last night I saw a snap chat story from a mutual friend featuring my ex. It was of him getting drunk for the first time. While we were together he never had a real interest in drinking. He said he might want to feel what it's like to be drunk once, but in our 4 years of being together I never saw him drink one drop of alcohol. We had parties nearly every weekend at our apartment this past school year, and even when offered a sip of someone's drink he would always refuse. It was something I always admired him for, as I myself don't have much of an interest in drinking.

 

Now I'm just questioning whether he only chose not to drink during our relationship because he felt like he couldn't, as I didn't (although I did take sips of others drinks here and there). I never told him I wasn't okay with him drinking, so the only way I can see he would just assume that is because he knew I wasn't okay with him smoking or vaping. We had even had a conversation before in which I said if we ever get drunk for the first time, it would be fun to do it together.

 

I'm probably over analyzing but I just find it strange that he decides to drink after we break up, but never had any interest before. Could also be due to the fact that his father has alcoholic tendencies (and cheated on my ex's mother, which I knew really hurt my ex).

 

I don't know, apparently my ex has just changed a lot in the past year. It's just confusing because he still seems like the same good guy at heart that I fell in love with, even though his behavior/actions have changed pretty drastically. But maybe I'm just putting him on a pedestal.

 

I'm just realizing now that the chances of him ever wanting me back are slim to none. I've been holding out hope that he would want to get back together and realize what an idiot he is. He said he hopes we can be friends, but it seems like that was just a cliche line given during a break up and he didn't even mean it.

 

I'm slowly becoming more and more ready to move on with my life and accept the fact that he is not going to be a part of it. Some days I feel ready to move on, like I'm excited to date and see what else is out there. Other days, I think about him constantly and want nobody else but him. It's a slow process I guess.

[Sunbathe]

I'm embarrassed to admit this but even though I defriended him on social media, I've been regularly checking his profiles. But the last couple of days it has been causing me a lot of anxiety, to an extent that I haven't felt in many many years (was diagnosed with OCD at age 12). I've been paranoid about accidentally liking one of his statuses and him finding out i've been checking up on him online. I will definitely not be checking them anymore. This anxiety is killing me and I don't want to keep triggering it.

 

Not sure what I can do to ease the anxiety right now, though. I feel the need to keep checking to make sure I didn't "like" anything. I am really disappointed in myself, I've had my OCD under control since my diagnosis/counseling and this is the first I've felt anything similar since.

Edited June 7, 2014 by Sunbathe

[Lost_Soul_86]

Hey Sunbathe, I guess i feel i need to comment on this thread because i have been on both sides of the fence. I was in your situation just over a year ago now, i was living with my bf of 9 years and we were also building a house together. Then one day he gave me the "I love you but i'm not in love with you" thing. This was news to me as far as i was concerned we were happy and building a life together! It hurt like hell i'm not going to lie, i was depressed, sad, lonely and most days struggled to get out of bed in the morning. I've never been through any type of heartbreak like that before and it was bloody tough!

 

Fast forward 15 months and i've been in a relationship with a lovely, caring would do anything for me man for 8 months....except there is one problem i've realised i think "i love him but i'm just not in love with him" on paper he's perfect but there is something missing and i cant even describe it. I've come to the realisation i'm 27 years old and don't know what i want from life anymore all i know is i'm not 100% happy. Some day's i feel sad and someday's i don't, maybe i tried to hard to move on or just didn't fully let myself heal properly. Its got nothing to do with anything he's done, its just simply not there. This is something that eats me up every day because i don't want to rip that persons heart out and stomp all over it, because i've been in that position and its not nice and i wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy, but at the end of the day you BOTH have to be happy , you have to look out for number one...which is you.

 

I guess i needed to try and describe to you that sometimes people just aren't that into the relationship, its got nothing to do with what you have or haven't done its literally just not there for one or both people. I never really understood how my ex could do that to me or how he could even say that but i now know where he was coming from. I loved that man with all my heart and to be honest i still do love him i don't think that will ever fully go away. I guess there was just something missing for him to and the easiest thing for him to do was walk away, no matter how much it hurts sometimes it just has to be done. Your ex boyfriend would feel the same way, its not an easy decision to make and he would be hurting to and maybe his way of coping with it is to go out and get drunk with his mates, that doesn't mean that he doesn't still think about you or even still love you.

 

No one knows what will happen in the future, you just have to move on with your life and find happiness within yourself, and you will one day it might not be now, 3 months time or even 6 months time but one day you will find happiness again. I'm a big believer if its meant to be it will come back, but in the meantime don't waste your time being sad and alone, go out and enjoy yourself and live your life the best way you can.

[Sunbathe]

It's been kind of a rough week. I've still been really anxious, and am still having an OCD flareup surrounding checking social media (twitter in particular for some reason). So I decided the only option I have in the interest of my mental health was to deactivate my twitter account. I deleted it today. I was expecting to feel a little relief from the anxiety, but such is not the case. I feel a little better, but not by much. Hopefully I will continue to feel less anxious about it as I will no longer be triggered into the compulsions.

 

It's been a little over a month since my ex and I have been in contact. It's crazy how someone you used to be so close to can suddenly become a stranger. It's a sad fact of life I suppose.

 

I'm just trying to keep busy with seeing friends and spending lots of time with my family, my mom in particular. I got a few good books to occupy myself with, as I finally have some time to get back into reading. And I think I am going to take a trip to the craft store and buy some acrylic paints and start painting! I took a bunch of art classes back in high school, but have not really exercised my creativity since then. I'm not good at it by any means, but it's something I really enjoy doing. I'm hoping it will be therapeutic and ease some of my anxiety.

 

Taking it one day at a time. Some days are absolutely awful, others are okay. And within the days, some moments are awful and others are okay. It's a bumpy ride.