First heatbreak, after a 4 year relationship.

[Sunbathe]

My boyfriend broke up with me last Saturday, and I am reeling. It was a long time coming and I even kind of expected it, but that doesn't lessen the pain and hurt when it actually truly happens. We are each other's first relationship, and have been together for nearly 4 years now. We live together. He moves out tomorrow. I don't know how to say goodbye.

 

I'm too exhausted to even begin to write down the story of our entire relationship, a long story at that. Instead I wrote somewhat of a letter to him. I felt this was necessary because when he broke up with me I could not find any words. So much on my mind that I didn't know what to say. But I didn't want to leave anything unsaid before we part, so I thought writing it down was important. But even now I can think of countless more things to say to him, and probably always will.

 

I showed him the three page letter, he cried a little bit, and asked me to send it to him because it is important. This is the only time over the whole breakup process that he has shown any emotion towards it. That really hurts. Since we live together, I have had to see him every day since the breakup and it is such an anxious environment. To have to wonder if and when he will be coming home after work, if I am going to have to see him.

 

I am going through such a mix of emotions and it feels so uncomfortable. I mostly feel hurt and sad and so unimportant, and longing for him as well. I feel a twinge of guilt and regret. And I am just now starting to feel angry at him. But i also feel for him... I empathize. My heart is way too soft and kind.

[Strength in Healing]

Just now starting to feel angry? I'm not sure of your story, but I am well versed in the human mind. The real anger probably won't come for 2-4 months from now.

 

But alas, I'm sorry you are dealing with this pain. You are far from alone. We all feel that wretched feeling...

 

Your best bet is to go full NC once he is gone. Either to heal (recommended), or because it is your best chance for a possible reconciliation. But to view it as a chance of reconciliation will unfortunately prolong the pain. So view it as your way to heal. It's time to be selfish now, and look out for you. It seems he is doing the same just fine for him.

[Sunbathe]

Just now starting to feel angry? I'm not sure of your story, but I am well versed in the human mind. The real anger probably won't come for 2-4 months from now.

 

But alas, I'm sorry you are dealing with this pain. You are far from alone. We all feel that wretched feeling...

 

Your best bet is to go full NC once he is gone. Either to heal (recommended), or because it is your best chance for a possible reconciliation. But to view it as a chance of reconciliation will unfortunately prolong the pain. So view it as your way to heal. It's time to be selfish now, and look out for you. It seems he is doing the same just fine for him.

 

Thank you for your kind words. You are probably right that I am not yet feeling real anger, as the anger I do feel is not very strong. Even though I know I have every reason in the world to feel that anger. Right now it's more of a "screw you, how could you not see my worth?"

 

I want to go NC, but it's so hard to imagine becoming strangers with this guy. I have not gone more than 2 week without seeing him in 4 years now, and there will be a huge void. Not only that, but I am worried about him due to some of the things he has said. He told me that he hates himself, that he doesn't know if he will ever find happiness because of the way people are, because of the way that he sees the world. I care so deeply for him and I know I will be worrying if he is okay.

 

Even though right now he seems fine, he is out and about with friends, active on social media, going to a concert tomorrow night. It all seems so contradictory and is confusing to me. I wonder if it is all a front he is putting on. I know for a fact that he is depressed (he is in counseling), and he told me he has not felt completely upset about the breakup because he can't completely feel anything. Do you think the reality of it will hit him hard later on?

[Sunbathe]

I have posted previously about us, and you can see some of our story if you look at my thread history.

[Strength in Healing]

Of course it will hit him later on down the road. I am in a similar position. My ex of 4 years left, and 2 weeks later got with another guy who now physically abuses her. I know your fears, but understand as I have come to understand, that you cannot save or protect them.

 

I am in law enforcement and couldn't even protect her. So I cut her off. I know what you mean, though, in 4 years I didn't go a single day without her, and now I am faced with this reality that she is gone and with someone else, and he hurts her none the less. She cut off contact with me, too...

 

We share things in common, but what you have to understand is what I stated above -- we can't save them. Can't convince them to do something else. All we can do is cope and utilize this is a tool to strengthen ourselves. That's where my name comes from.

[Sunbathe]

Of course it will hit him later on down the road. I am in a similar position. My ex of 4 years left, and 2 weeks later got with another guy who now physically abuses her. I know your fears, but understand as I have come to understand, that you cannot save or protect them.

 

I am in law enforcement and couldn't even protect her. So I cut her off. I know what you mean, though, in 4 years I didn't go a single day without her, and now I am faced with this reality that she is gone and with someone else, and he hurts her none the less. She cut off contact with me, too...

 

We share things in common, but what you have to understand is what I stated above -- we can't save them. Can't convince them to do something else. All we can do is cope and utilize this is a tool to strengthen ourselves. That's where my name comes from.

 

You're totally right that I can't save him. I cannot help him figure out what makes him happy and what he wants out of life. He is very confused about everything, and I wish I could help and I wish I could be what he wants but I can't right now. I logically know this but I think it's going to take a while for my heart to catch up and realize that.

 

And as much as I want him to be happy and healthy again, and find what it is he is looking for in life (because he is a great person at heart and truly deserves the world) I cannot help but wish he was hurting like I am. It's selfish but I even wish he someday regrets the decision he made and looks back and realizes what an amazing girl he chose to walk away from.

 

You do sound like a very strong person who had been through a lot and learned a lot. I hope I can feel that strong in the future.

Edited May 8, 2014 by Sunbathe

[Strength in Healing]

In some ways I am strong, other ways a toll has been taken...

 

You will indeed get the strength in time, though.

 

Due to us being in very similar situations, I wanted to extend the offer to chat more. My skype is in my signature in my first post in this topic. I don't use it to video chat much, but more so as a chat agent to keep in touch and help. Hope to hear from you.

[Sunbathe]

He just moved all of his stuff out of our room, I told him I was sick of it being here. But now it almost feels worse, seeing the missing place in the closet where his clothes used to be or where his laptop used to be on the desk.

 

I cannot keep my emotions under control when he is around, and end up crying and prodding for him to say he will miss me. It's like word vomit, I can't control it! I have mentioned repeatedly that it hurts so badly that he seems like he doesn't care about the breakup, that it doesn't seem like he is upset. He gets angry and says that he already feels bad about how much he is upsetting me and I don't need to make him feel worse about it. He says he has cared about me more than even himself over the last few years and that he lost himself in the process. Is that my fault, or his for allowing that to happen?

 

We are saying official goodbyes tomorrow before I go to work. Although he says it is not a permanent goodbye, as he would like to have me as a friend. I don't even know how to begin being his friend, but it feels so wrong for him to become a stranger. I do want him to always be a part of my life. Unfortunately that can't be in the way I want it to be.

 

But anyways, how can I keep myself composed during our goodbye tomorrow? I would like to have a good conversation with him without my emotions getting in the way. I don't want to part ways with him remembering me being so angry at him, with me having to ask what he is going to miss. I want the conversation to be a good, mature reflection on our past 4 years together. I want him to know how much I am hurting, but I also want to wish him happiness. I don't know what I am doing.

[elseaacych]

You probably will not be able to talk to him without coming undone. Your breakup is just too raw. If I were you, I would go stay at a friend's house for the next two days while he gets his things in order. Don't say goodbye. You both have already done that. Let him stay in the house alone for the night, and let him feel the reality of not being with you. Meanwhile, you are having a good cry session with a friend, and watching sappy movies or something.

 

Don't try to draw it out and make a big show of it. What's done is done. You both have said everything that needs to be said. You may feel like there are still things unfinished, and it will feel like it for awhile. But the reality is that the moment he broke up with you, you two were finished. No relationship. Nothing. Everything has been said, and there is nothing more to say because no one is changing their mind.

 

I understand that you empathize and worry about your ex. But he's made his choice. And that choice hurts you like hell. Everything he does will hurt you. You want to get as far away from him as possible.

 

Please go read the NC Guide. Implement it. It will take 20 minutes, maybe, to block everything. It's going to hurt and you will feel guilty. But honestly, he left you. he doesn't want to talk to you. He doesn't want to be your friend. He doesn't want to be your boyfriend. He doesn't want to be your anything. Do you really want to talk to him? The answer is no. So get rid of all forms of contact with him.

 

It's better that you go NC now, rather than in four months when you are in a black hole of despair. (Been there, done that. My first love broke up with me about six months ago, and I have suffered unnecessarily for several because I didn't block him or go NC initially. I don't want you to do the same. Please believe me when I say it is in your best interest to block everything.)

 

Get yourself out of there while he is still there. It's time that you stopped worrying about him or what he did or what he's doing, and worry about you, because you are worth worrying about and caring for, and right now, you (and your friends and family) are the only ones who can take care of you.

 

Sending you a big hug...

Edited May 8, 2014 by elseaacych

[FredJones80]

I don't think you actually said why he's ending it? Might make a difference to peoples replies.

 

In response of how do you have the "goodbye" - my personal situation, have the "chat" the day before, then get the leaving over and done with as quick as possible ... it actually just brought me to tears thinking about my own "goodbye" situation ....

 

horrible, horrible, horrible.

[Sunbathe]

elseaacych: Unfortunately I am not able to go stay with a friend. We are both currently away at college, and this being finals week, all of our friends have gone home for the summer already. He has not been around much as it is but it is still very anxious for me to wonder when he will walk through the door. I just have to deal with it for one more night.

 

Thank you for your advice about the goodbye. I did get a lot of things out that I wanted to say in the letter I wrote, so I suppose a goodbye is not really needed. But it just doesn't feel right to leave things like that after 4 years.

 

I fully intend on NC. But what do you suggest about mutual friends? We share many of the same friends, and I have been seeing snapchats/tweets from mutual friends with him in them. I don't want to have to be absent from my social media accounts entirely.

[Sunbathe]

fredjones80: If you look at my past threads you will see our story. But for a brief reason for the breakup... he is unhappy and unsure about what he wants, while I am more certain of my future. He is unable to truly commit to me because he does not feel like things between us are right in his heart. I got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". He feels like he is missing out on a lot by having to commit time to a relationship.

 

But it took him literally over a year to make this decision. He has spent all year confused and questioning what it is that he wants, sometimes saying that he wonders what else is out there, some days thinking that he could see a happy future with me. He knew he was unhappy with how things were (he has since admitted that things were this way mostly because of himself), but he was scared of breaking up with me and later realizing he made a mistake once it was too late. He selfishly kept me at an arms length like this for a very long time.

Edited May 8, 2014 by Sunbathe

[FredJones80]

Thank you for your advice about the goodbye. I did get a lot of things out that I wanted to say in the letter I wrote, so I suppose a goodbye is not really needed. But it just doesn't feel right to leave things like that after 4 years.

 

I had to do the same thing as you after 10 years, the honest answer is nothing will feel right and there is no good way to do it.

 

As much as it hurts, just do it as quick as possible and cry as soon as he has left.

 

There is no way of avoiding this most disgusting situation, sorry

[Sunbathe]

I had to do the same thing as you after 10 years, the honest answer is nothing will feel right and there is no good way to do it.

 

As much as it hurts, just do it as quick as possible and cry as soon as he has left.

 

There is no way of avoiding this most disgusting situation, sorry

 

Thank you. I'm sorry for what you've had to go though as well. 4 years is a long time, I can't even imagine what 10 years must feel like.

[elseaacych]

elseaacych: Unfortunately I am not able to go stay with a friend. We are both currently away at college, and this being finals week, all of our friends have gone home for the summer already. He has not been around much as it is but it is still very anxious for me to wonder when he will walk through the door. I just have to deal with it for one more night.

 

Thank you for your advice about the goodbye. I did get a lot of things out that I wanted to say in the letter I wrote, so I suppose a goodbye is not really needed. But it just doesn't feel right to leave things like that after 4 years.

 

I fully intend on NC. But what do you suggest about mutual friends? We share many of the same friends, and I have been seeing snapchats/tweets from mutual friends with him in them. I don't want to have to be absent from my social media accounts entirely.

 

...Maybe you can just lock yourself in your room and not come out, then? Take some snacks and a movie or a book? If you hear him moving around pretend he's not there?

 

Mutual friends are tough. I am only on facebook, so I unfollowed (but not de-friended) any mutual friends that were likely to post pictures of him or post about my ex. I see posts regarding him here and there, but honestly, I only unfriended my ex. I think if you block your ex, they disappear entirely. Also, tell your mutual friends that you don't want to hear anything about your ex. They will understand.

 

Hope this helps. I was in your place just a few months ago. I'm a law student, and my ex is in undergrad (bipolar, many health problems), so I know how tough ending college relationships can be, especially if you thought they were "the one" or you just loved them so much that you couldn't imagine life without them and all of their quirks. Sometimes you just grow apart. It's sad. But it's life. I am so sorry for what you are going through. It's going to be tough for you the next couple months. But you will get through it. You just need to have the resolve (which you do), and the strength not to let your break up break you.

[FredJones80]

Thank you. I'm sorry for what you've had to go though as well. 4 years is a long time, I can't even imagine what 10 years must feel like.

 

I guess after a couple of years it doesn't matter if you're at 4, 10 or 25, I think it'll hurt pretty much the same. Thanks for your words.

 

All I can say is good luck and know you're not alone, I had to go through the exact same leaving situation you're going to do and it isn't pleasant at all, especially when you know its coming.

 

Some people don't live together, others end on storming out, but when it ends like yours and my situation the impending doom of the day looms over you like a massive black cloud.

 

As much as you might want to cling on to it and stretch it out as long as possible savouring every last breath, my advice is, let him get out quick, the quicker the better and then grieve after.

[Sunbathe]

I tried to go out with two of my roommates/friends for a couple of hours but it honestly made me feel worse. I feel like I'm in such a fog. It actually feels better to just lay in bed and do nothing, which is what I've been doing since Sunday.

 

I don't think I've even come to terms with everything yet. There are still moments where it doesn't feel real.

[elseaacych]

I tried to go out with two of my roommates/friends for a couple of hours but it honestly made me feel worse. I feel like I'm in such a fog. It actually feels better to just lay in bed and do nothing, which is what I've been doing since Sunday.

 

I don't think I've even come to terms with everything yet. There are still moments where it doesn't feel real.

 

It's going to feel like that for awhile until you get a jolt or something to let you know that "it's really over". Then the sadness will hit. But try to cry it out. Let it wallow. Sob into your pillow. Ugly tears. For hours. Until you can cry no more. Then stop. And try to do something.

 

I understand that it feels terrible to go out and do things, but honestly, if you allow yourself to be sad and do nothing, you start a cycle of perpetuating sadness. It's kind of ironic in that when you are depressed, the only thing that feels "good" is laying around, not moving, doing nothing. All it really does is invite more sadness. And it will spiral. The only thing you can really do to fight it is "light activity", where you do something somewhere between "nothing" and "active". Going for walks, or some light house cleaning. Or friends.

 

The terrible feeling will pass. Meanwhile just try to keep going at it and adjusting to your "new" life.

 

You can do it.

[mantlefan]

We are saying official goodbyes tomorrow before I go to work. Although he says it is not a permanent goodbye, as he would like to have me as a friend. I don't even know how to begin being his friend, but it feels so wrong for him to become a stranger. I do want him to always be a part of my life. Unfortunately that can't be in the way I want it to be.

(

 

 

Don't do this. I've been there. She said she was willing to be my friend, but later, after she started to publicly date my male "friend," I put together the pieces that she only spent time with me socially when he was around, and never invited me to anything. At BEST she was keeping me around in case it didn't work out, her going after my friend. In all likelihood, she was pretending to be my friend to get closer to the guy she left me to go after.

[Sunbathe]

Well, he's gone. We said goodbye. I finally saw him emotional over everything. I have never seen him cry like that before. I'm glad we got to have a candid goodbye like that, it's what I need to be able to go forth. I feel oddly calm and okay right now, and it's scaring me. I think I should feel more emotional and sad after a goodbye like that.

[FredJones80]

Well, he's gone. We said goodbye. I finally saw him emotional over everything. I have never seen him cry like that before. I'm glad we got to have a candid goodbye like that, it's what I need to be able to go forth. I feel oddly calm and okay right now, and it's scaring me. I think I should feel more emotional and sad after a goodbye like that.

 

Give it time...

 

You've adjusted because you knew it was coming. Few days it is likely to hit you.

[Sunbathe]

Give it time...

 

You've adjusted because you knew it was coming. Few days it is likely to hit you.

 

Yeah, you're right. Today I was thinking a little about some of the stuff he said.

 

"You're such a great, sweet girl and you were a good girlfriend. Any guy would be so lucky to have you"

 

Oh yeah? Then how come you don't feel lucky to have me.

 

"I have cared about you all along, and I still care about you so much"

 

Well apparently you don't care enough to keep me around and not walk away from this.

 

He also has me pretty confused. One conversation he said that things just weren't working between us, that we are just not compatible and we are not meant to be together. And another conversation he was saying that all of the turbulent times in our relationship over the past year were his fault, that this is all on him, and that he just needs to follow his heart and he needs to find himself. So which is it?

[FredJones80]

Yeah, you're right. Today I was thinking a little about some of the stuff he said.

 

"You're such a great, sweet girl and you were a good girlfriend. Any guy would be so lucky to have you"

 

Oh yeah? Then how come you don't feel lucky to have me.

 

"I have cared about you all along, and I still care about you so much"

 

Well apparently you don't care enough to keep me around and not walk away from this.

 

He also has me pretty confused. One conversation he said that things just weren't working between us, that we are just not compatible and we are not meant to be together. And another conversation he was saying that all of the turbulent times in our relationship over the past year were his fault, that this is all on him, and that he just needs to follow his heart and he needs to find himself. So which is it?

 

Who knows, I was left with as many jumbled signs as you. You'll play over these over and over, sometimes hope, sometimes no hope.

 

There is only one sad consistent fact in all of this... they left us and the reasons why don't matter.

[Sunbathe]

Well it's been 3 days since we last had contact, and I'm still feeling pretty okay. I feel like I should be feeling devastated and sad but I'm really doing okay. I don't know if it's because I have seen the breakup coming for a long time now. Or maybe it's because not much has changed except for the fact that I can now call myself single. When we were together over the last year he was pretty absent, no real romantic gestures, no cuddles, not much kissing, and we hadn't had sex since January. I think I may have been detaching myself from him over this year due to no real commitment or effort on his part.

 

But at the same time, I still have a hard time thinking of myself as single. It doesn't feel quite real. And if he were to change, I might want to be with him again. Though I doubt he will change anytime soon.

 

Or maybe I'm feeling okay because I can focus on other happenings in my life. I just moved back home for the summer since school is out, and I am looking forward to spending time with my friends when they get home too. I also leave for a vacation in Florida in a few days. And I have a coworker who has expressed interest in me and texts me every day. While I have no intention of getting into a relationship right now, it's nice to feel attractive and wanted again.

 

The fact that I'm doing okay makes me question whether or not I truly loved my ex though and that's scaring me. I'm not really missing him a whole lot right now, but then again there wasn't a whole lot to miss over the last year.

[Sunbathe]

Not feeling so great today. It hurts the worst in the mornings.