mercuryshadow Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 (edited) So, long story short, my FI has a friend who is ten years younger than him, who he helped through some difficult times in his life. Basically, my FI feels responsible for him, though I don't think he should, but that's another issue. When FI and I got together and for the majority of our relationship after that, his friend was NOT respectful of me or our relationship. In a nutshell, once he saw that things were serious, he began acting out. The things he would do were very immature, such as posting things about the situation on Facebook... He also "unfriended" me several times, only to add me again after he cooled off. The thing is, I was always pleasant with him, and even reached out to him when I knew he was having a rough time. The problem was that he was jealous and upset that my FI was starting a family with me and my son. We are getting married at the end of the month. Though I had hoped he wouldn't, my FI had asked this friend to be best man at our wedding. Truth is, I'm very unhappy with this but I've sucked it up because it was his decision. My FI says I need to let the bad history go, and try to be cool with his friend. I am nice to him, accommodating, welcoming...he is a bit of a loose cannon, but he is not a BAD person. However, he walks all over my FI. He takes advantage of him for money. my FI put the down payment on his new car for him, buys him meals all the time, and even paid for his tux rental. If my FI is busy with work or family and can't hang out with his friend for a week, his friend makes him feel guilty and gets angry with him. That's when I start to worry.that he will back out of his position in the wedding. I wouldn't want that at all. However, now that we are approaching our wedding, we are VERY busy and making social plans is hard. And he's back to trying to make my FI feel guilty. He lives about 40 minutes away and is now demanding that my FI accompany him to his final tux fitting, or he's not going to go. I'm upset that my FI doesn't care that this.guy walks all over him. I know I can't make him see that. But if I ever mention to him that the friendship is very one-sided and that I don't like seeing him being taken advantage of, he gets very upset with me. He wants me to let it go, but for me it's not all that simple. It's not even about the jealously and the way he acted out, but about how he treats my FI. Very seldom will he drive up to visit my FI at our home, but the last time he did, he left a gigantic mess in our kitchen. To me, his behavior is just void of respect. My FI wants me to try to reframe my thinking about this... While I am most often a very patient and compassionate person, this just gets to me. Edited May 8, 2014 by mercuryshadow
mammasita Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Thats a tough one. I see this friend and your fiance as a father-son relationship. When you look at it in that sense, this is a father-son bond with the son acting out in any way he feels like it and the coddling father excusing any bad behavior. Did your fiance have a relationship with his father? If he did, was it a troubled relationship? What I'm getting at is that maybe he's not able to see that his boundaries with his friend whom he sees as a "son" aren't properly set. Just something to think about. 1
Author mercuryshadow Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 Yes, my FI had/has a relationship with his father, but it hasn't been the closest. He said his father worked a lot while he was growing up. However, in general, he has a tough time with boundaries. I've posted about that in other threads in regards to his lack of boundaries with his parents. My FI calls his friend family, yes. I think he feels responsible for him because no one else does. His father is not really in the picture and his mother doesn't put up with him anymore. It's a sad situation.
Author mercuryshadow Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 Even at our wedding, I feel like I'm going to have to walk on egg shells. My son would like to get up and say something along the lines of how lucky he feels to have my FI as a step-dad. A big part of me is afraid that due to the best man's jealously, he would get upset and offended over this and cause unnecessary drama. This is all so deluded.
d0nnivain Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Weddings bring out the worst in people. Do your best to ignore the buddy as you lead up to the wedding. If you FI wants to go to the tux fitting, stay out of it. If your son wants to speak & toast you at your wedding, let him. On that point the friend needs to be mature. Your FI also needs to back you on this one but as a gracious gesture you can let your FI determine the order of the speakers 2
Author mercuryshadow Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 mammasita, I think you're right on with your theory. donnivain, you're right, weddings DO bring out the worst in people...I wish it weren't so...isn't this supposed to be a happy time? I think I've fallen victim to a state of mind I never thought I would, and this morning, I almost gave myself a panic attack thinking about the fact that the wedding is two weeks away. I'm staying out the tux fitting thing. I've just gotta say while I'm here that I think it's totally ridiculous since they already got fitted together once, but the best man needs some adjustments due to recent weight loss. He's an adult, and getting remeasured is too difficult a task for him to do on his own? I don't understand it. I got my son fitted recently and it took less than 5 minutes. I am dissappointed in myself that I've allowed my mindset to turn so negative and I wish to change that. I guess I just feel overwhelmed lately. And as an outside observer, I hate seeing my FI being walked all over. In theory, I'm a big advocate of devoting my life to the happiness an charity of others. However, when not even basic respect is shown in return (and this is another point of dissention between my FI and me), my patience begins to wear thin.
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 mercuryshadow I love BEING married. Its a calm peaceful feeling & I know my husband is steadfast. I draw so much comfort from him even when there are problems. I HATED wedding planning with the fire of 1,000 suns. We had a relatively easy time of it & it still sucked. I wouldn't go back & do that again if you paid me. I cried almost every day because someone or something made me bonkers. There was just soooooo much stress. In the end I became almost nasty -- my mantra was I'm giving people everything they need to have a blast: awesome venue, delicious food, open bar, rocking DJ. If you don't have fun at my wedding, it ain't my problem. Focus on the good stuff. In two weeks you will be married. The rest is all details. 1
Author mercuryshadow Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 It's a relief to read your post, donnivain. My mantra as of late has been: "I just want this to be over with." I really, truly just want to make the most of the wedding and move on with our married life. Thanks for your help.
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