I know I will never leave him, still..

[bubbles2014]

This is my first post here. I've been married, engaged twice and now I am engaged for the third time. We have been together for over a year but things changed. He id 20 years older than me, he is 50 was married for 26 years which ended 5 years ago. When we met I was in a miserable relationship, looking for an out. We did not know each other but he told me instantly that he loves me. And then three months later he proposed. I was swept off my feet and fell hard for him.

 

Its been 8 months since then, and now he tells me he wants a clean 'out'. I don't communicate my feelings to him because it seems to put him off. But I write about it. I thought it's better if I post there here instead of telling him, because I do really need to tell it to someone.

 

 

 

When I talk to you these days, I always feel like I am wasting your time. After 15 mins, you rush into ending the call. Make excuses for not being available to talk again. Asking you to do something makes me feel I am asking for a lot. During our conversations, you are cold and distant. Sometimes I feel I don't even know the person thats on the other side. He is definitely not my love.

 

I'm not perfect. I come with a lot of shortcomings. And part of being in a relationship is accepting other person's quirks and weirdness. Every person comes with some crazy. But if you really love someone then you don't blame them for being the way they are, but help them overcome their fears and insecurities. You never thought why do I have that need of being called by you, being in touch, obsessing over why you have not called, why you don’t reply, why you did not send me a text. You never considered that might be it's because you threatened to break up with me so many times. Or may be it's because you keep changing your mind about our relationship every month. Or may be it's because you tried to leave me so many times. In fact you asked me to leave you. Or may be it's because you told me that you want an out!

 

You told me many times that you are not happy and want to end our relationship. And the more I tried to figure out why you were unhappy and fix things... the further you pushed me away.

 

I couldn't understand why in the world you stopped loving and caring for me the way you used to... and it made no sense at all. And to add further frustration to the pain, there really was no clear reason why you stopped feeling it for me and decided things on your own. There was no single moment that I knew changed things for you. So it drove me crazy trying to figure out what it really was that had changed the way you felt about me. There were so many times when I felt that if I don't speak up for myself and ask what I want, I am weak and if I do I'll end up being the constant nagging person who is annoying you, causing inconvenience to you. I knew the truth, exactly how I feel and what I want, but I was so afraid to communicate that, so afraid of being again blamed of being aggressive and dominating that I would not even dare. I pathetically and desperately would try to find "a way into" the conversation to even tell you how I feel and what I want..

 

I am struggling with you, you blow hot and cold, say one thing and do another, are incredibly sweet one moment and then ignore me the next. I am enduring a situation with you where you keep me so off-balance that I never know where I stand with you or where the relationship is going. One day you are coming on strong, pursuing me, and then you practically ignore me. One day you are affectionate and warm, and the next you seem completely cold and withdrawn from me. One day you call me multiple times in a row, and the next day -- I keep waiting for you to respond and you disappear. The hardest thing for me in a situation like this is to know what to say to you when I am feeling so disappointed and frustrated...without pushing you away or getting into a fight. Without being told that I am trying to have a leash on you or trying to control you.

 

I remember feeling both desperately connected to you at the same time that I felt desperately unhappy and wanting to run away from you. It did me no good at all to try to think my way through it. I was just paralyzed. I'd watch you behave as if we weren't even "together" and still find some way to make an excuse for your behavior. I just wouldn't, just couldn't allow myself to believe what was happening to me right in front of my face. But I finally discovered what I'd been doing that was paralyzing me.

 

I did everything I could in my power to make you happy. I tried to rationalize the situation and tell you how good I think our relationship is, and how you are wrong for not wanting it or seeing all the amazing things about it. But this never helped. I was sweeter and more affectionate, hoping you would reciprocate and open back up to me... but all this did was annoy you. The more hurt I felt, and the more you saw this, the less you seemed to pay attention to me and my feelings, or care. As a matter of fact, you became colder and more distant the more you saw that I was hurt. I spent countless hours trying to talk about what we were both feeling and work on things. But that only pushed you further away, no matter how much reasoning or understanding I did when it came to you, your feelings, and how to help you be happy. I was constantly embarrassed by what you would think of me, that I am unworthy of a man like you, worrying about hurting you, and hence closing myself off to you. So here I am, following up with you, not sure how I feel being this way with you and feeling speechless about the fact that you say you are "not ready for a relationship." And even the idea of being with me is stressful to you. And worse that marrying me is "No way! It feels like life long prison!."

 

I kept waiting that one day everything will be alright. You will realize what I mean to you and that our love is precious. But I am so tired of waiting. Waiting for you to call, waiting for you to say you love you, waiting for you to set a wedding date, waiting for a lifetime commitment. I have felt desperate at those moments, absolutely helpless. I remember hearing you say things like "I'm not ready," "I cannot follow up on my commitments", "I am not sure if I really want this" and just ignoring the words I was hearing. Ironically, at the same time, I also remember you telling me that you will never leave me no matter what, that you are certain I am the one, that you are not playing with my feelings, that I am not some distraction for a mid-life crisis. And I don't much want to remember the nights that I spent sleepless worrying about my future with you. I don't want to remember wondering why exactly you are doing this, but I do. I remember pushing those doubts and thoughts right out of my head. I remember feeling so tied to you emotionally, sexually, chemically and every other way that I made excuses for you.

 

You leave me broken and most importantly betrayed. You betrayed my trust on you, on our relationship, on everything. There is no use blaming you because I am equally to blame. I let the worse of me decide for me. Like you, I too rushed in to this without thinking it through. I believed every word you said, everything you told me - right from you love me to your proposal. I cannot imagine someone would do what you did to me on purpose. And I keep wondering as to where did I go wrong? This time I did everything right, I was understanding, affectionate, reasonable even when it came to your unreasonable demands. You backed out from your commitments, you left me stranded and yet I decided to follow you however and whenever I can. Still you tell me that you cannot do this. And when you tell me this, I wonder if you think about me at all. As to what I would do now, what would be my immediate next step?

 

You blamed me some time ago for claiming that relationships are inherently asymmetrical. What I meant by that is that it did not matter to me who is doing less and who is doing more as long as we are doing everything we can to be with each other. You yourself agreed that you could not satisfy my demands which in your words were "lifestyle, accommodation, availability, living location, visa, children, nightlife, not-asking-things-I-shouldn't-ask rules, Whatsapp response time”. And I accepted all of the above, even the purest of all which was also my right - my desire to mother a child. I remember talking to you earlier about having children and making it clear that I would want them. Despite of giving me hope in the beginning that you may be willing, in fact you told me that you might even welcome it, you never did even consider it. You never even made a single effort to address any of my so-called "demands". You would not even try to be with me, whereas I never had any doubts about wanting to be wherever I can and however I can. Just to be with you. But you tell me that you are more happy if I just leave you. That you want a clean out.

 

You once wrote to me that you disagree that asymmetry in a relation exist and it is a fundamental clash of attitudes. Now I dare to ask you - where is the symmetry here? Look at yourself and look at me. My position is miserable. How would I face everyone that I told that I am going away to be with you and have them see me fail again. I told you don't do this to me unless you are sure because I can not give false hopes to me and my loved ones who are dying to see me happy. I don't think you can understand that. I went through the unnecessary pain of immigration for multiple countries. And you on the other hand remain unaffected. So much for the so-called symmetry. It sure does feel very unfair to me! It was never about me. May be in the beginning when you were trying to win me over. And you absolutely did. You swept me off my feet and I fell madly and deeply in love with you. Since that day I have been doing nothing but to prove that I am worthy of your love.

 

I am finally able to see that it has nothing at all to do with me being unworthy of you or the great relationship I'd imagined with you. It has everything to do with the fact that the relationship did not even EXIST! I'd made it all up.

 

I am all tied up in knots over with you and you had absolutely no intention - not ever - of being in a relationship with me. At least not the kind of relationship I wanted. And the relationship I'd signed up for with you was so full of pain and longing and difficulty - I thought that's what love was. I assumed that a relationship in which I wasn't getting loved, in which I had to work hard to get loved, was all there was.

I have cried myself to sleep. I have spent days, nights in uncertainty. Not knowing what you are going to say next to me. Every day I would hope to make things better. But I can't do it by myself and you are not interested anymore. I can't help but think that this was an adventure for you. And you did not comprehend what you need to do to be in a relationship. For you it was a phase. I was a new thing that you were interested in. In your own words, (after you have had me), you only felt that I am a nuisance, a burden, and a stress in your life. You suddenly realized that being in a relationship is much more than just 'hanging out' together. It is an emotional investment. I can't help but think it was a joke for you. Meet someone, tell them you love them, get engaged quickly, and then three months later when you have the person head over heels for you, then satiate your ego on their hopeless love for you. Finally leave them for some or the other bull**** reason, superficially blame yourself but implicitly them (it’s not you, it's me routine) and carry on to next one.

 

This is my worst dream come true. When we met in the beginning, I was hurt and was in a miserable relationship. I thought this is my chance to be finally happy. I was very skeptical in the beginning. I kept asking you to not leave me ever. You promised me you wouldn't change your mind just because I'm not physically with you. I told you every thing that was weird about me, and that hasn't changed since. You promised to be by my side and accept who I am as a person. You acted as if my happiness is the highest priority in your life. And you would do whatever it takes to be together.

 

And now you ask me if you have the option of a clean out? There cannot be a clean out, because you broke me. I trusted you, trusted you with all my heart and soul. But you betrayed my trust. I kept trying to put pieces of my broken heart together, only to have it broken again by you. The things that you said, the way you behave at present, it makes me feel I was never more than an accessory to your life. I was a phase, an adventure, and ultimately now a joke. Why did you have to lie to me? It was my life, my love, my emotions that you played with. And I believed it to be real.

 

I kept hoping one day, you will reciprocate my feelings. May be you would be able to see how much I love you. And all I needed from you was your love. I know your answer to that. Telling me that it is your fault, that you are not the person who can fulfill my expectations. And that you know that you don’t deserve this relationship. You can try to take things on you, and blame yourself for being ‘weird’. That it is you, not me. But this is the most convenient excuse for the mankind. Someone said this to me some time ago, “ I am not perfect and I am definitely not the best person for you. But I can’t walk away without trying. For if I don’t deserve your love, I can only strive for it by loving you more. Only then shall I be worthy of it.” Trying is all I needed from you. But you gave up on us so easily. Every time there was a problem, you were the first one who wanted to walk away. When I told you that I ‘feel’ your love, somehow, it took you two days to reverse that, and since then you have been so cold and distant. And I kept trying to find ways for us to be together. I loved you so much that the thought of being without you kills me.

 

I never wanted to give up because thats not in my nature. I do not give up until I have tried my best. In this case, you have exhausted me to my last breath. I am giving up not because I don't care anymore, but because I am tired of getting hurt. I have no other choice but to agree with what you said to me earlier and many many times, that we both are better off without each other. In all honesty, the reality anyways is that you could just give up on me and our relationship without spending much if any time figuring out what might be going on, or how to make it work.

 

Some time ago, when you told me that you can not follow on your commitment to come to me to US, you also said that may be if you keep behaving this way I will finally give up. I wondered if you did this on purpose. Now, I know that it was true. You have told me that I have caused 'stress' in your life since I committed myself to this relationship. You were trying to get rid of me, and I was trying to push myself to my limits to adhere to my commitment towards you. Despite of you clearly telling me that you would wish that I would just disappear from your life, I kept trying to be with you. Against my better judgment, against my self respect. It was very difficult and it kept making me miserable. You never understood or even anticipated the pain I was going through. All I did was try to make it easy for you, but I guess that was not enough for you. I tried being there for you all the time. It was a tough time for me, even when my little sister was sick instead of tending to her or allowing myself to be upset - I had to be better for you, otherwise you would just leave me and you even did. You were never there for me when I needed you. Not ever. I kept hoping for the best, but all in vain.

 

I may not be absolutely right about feeling this way, but at the moment I feel a sense of hatred for you. I feel cheated, betrayed, broken. I kept looking for a sign that says that everything I believed in was not a lie, it was the truth. I somehow kept hoping for a miracle that someday things will just turn around. You will realize your love for me, and you will realize that you want me and would do anything to have that. I was foolish, and in a way I still am. Because I just wrote you a long long email about how I feel. I must somehow still believe and feel that you care, else I would not take the time to do that.

 

Oh how much I wish for a miracle, to believe that I was not wrong all along, and be with the same person who I fell in love with. To see you fighting for me again, to have you trying to woo me again, to see you make me feel special again, to have you tell me that every promise that you made you meant it, not at that time but forever, to tell me that you are still crazy about me. But I know its a wishful thinking, None of that is going to happen. No overnight change of heart, epiphany or self realization actually happen in reality. In reality, you feel that I am the 'stress' that needs to go away and I will. And as you said earlier, you would be happy and relieved.

 

Therefore, I give up, I give up! Not because I don't care, but because you don't. I have realized that sometimes hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser.

Edited May 8, 2014 by bubbles2014

[No Limit]

I'll admit that I stopped after reading the first 3 1/2 paragraphs.

You fell for him because you mistaked his wooing for love. That a relationship with a gap of 20 years is going to fail eventually is pretty obvious from the very start.

 

Not going to bother by writing more though, seeing as your title already says you'll never leave him.