Why does a married woman cheat with a married man?

[tornapart2002]

I know..the question is really in depth and a deep one. I guess it perplexes me. It seems like it would be more complicated if a man is married and so are you, even if both marriages are pretty messed up.

 

My husband cheated with a married woman and we are working hard to reconcile (our story is not as crazy as some, but that doesn't make what he did better). Today I learned through a third party that the woman, who has moved away, is cheating with a married man again. Her husband has left her for a MUCH younger GIRL (not a woman at all! It's an awful story!) and he is a horrible man so I can understand her wanting the attention of other men, but I just don't get why she didn't leave her husband before she cheated.

 

Of course, I wonder the same about my husband, but we are going to counselors to try to figure all that out and work on both of our issues.

 

I guess it all just puzzles me and I don't mean any of this disrespectfully to cheaters or those betrayed. It's just perplexing. Maybe it is the thrill of sneaking around? Or the desire for her to hurt her husband, who has hurt her so many times before? Who knows....it's just all very weird. And she was with her husband when she cheated with mine, but unfortunately he was cheatng on her at the same time. It's like a real life soap opera. Blah.

[harrybrown]

So sorry that you are in this painful mess.

 

Is your H remorseful and stopped contacting the OW?

 

Is he transparent and trying to help you heal?

 

I hope you get a good counselor.

[tornapart2002]

Absolutely on all of these, except the counselor. We both have great individual counselors, but can not find a marriage counselor in our area. We are actively searching right now.

 

He is disgusted by his actions and while I thought he was full of crap at first, over time I've come to believe that he truly is disgusted.

 

He cut off contact with OW within a few days after I found out, but I'm not sure how or what was said. She is now several states away from us.

 

Her most recent affair was just blasted all over FB by her soon to be ex. Really odd situation!

 

So sorry that you are in this painful mess.

 

Is your H remorseful and stopped contacting the OW?

 

Is he transparent and trying to help you heal?

 

I hope you get a good counselor.

[goumao]

I'm not sure as I've never done it, my exwife has though so I've thought about it quite a lot. I guess the reason they would choose a married person over a single person might be because they both want the same thing ie a bit on the side without any prospects of a future together. They both know exactly what they want, they both know that they need this to be secret, and they both know that ulitimitely they will both return to their significant other. Also maybe their williness to cheat on their partners is a character trait/flaw they both possess so they are both on the same level.

 

My two cents, i could be wrong.

[carhill]

Why does a married woman cheat with a married man?

 

Generally:

 

1. Being married, he knows the drill and has 'credit' at the marriage and relationship store. This is attractive.

 

2. A MM who is obviously willing to risk his M with deception of this sort has the mindset to be good at it, as successful and attractive men are generally good at what they do. This makes him a more desirable partner than the relatively unknown quantity and quality of a single man. Single men can often be 'problems'; 'loose cannons' of dubious and unconfirmed status. A married man with a family; he has qualifiable status.

 

3. Expectations. The MM already has a family at home so isn't generally out prospecting for a new family. This keeps the elements of the affair relatively simple and easier to manage for a MW. Also, in general, married people IME are really direct about stuff so expectations can be clearly established and boundaries enabled.

 

IME with MW's, where they admitted to PA's, most have been with MM's. With serial MW's, so far all have admitted a preference for MM's, and I noted this aspect while married myself, in that I never had a single (unattached) woman approach me. Married women, yes! They were the ones flirting, touching, rubbing breasts, kissing inappropriately, etc, etc. The single ladies, completely appropriate.

 

BTW, your concurrent/revenge affair report is not uncommon IME either. Sorry about your experience. IMO, counseling can help. My main regret is that I didn't seek it out sooner. Best wishes!

[Furious]

I know..the question is really in depth and a deep one. I guess it perplexes me. It seems like it would be more complicated if a man is married and so are you, even if both marriages are pretty messed up.

 

My husband cheated with a married woman and we are working hard to reconcile (our story is not as crazy as some, but that doesn't make what he did better). Today I learned through a third party that the woman, who has moved away, is cheating with a married man again. Her husband has left her for a MUCH younger GIRL (not a woman at all! It's an awful story!) and he is a horrible man so I can understand her wanting the attention of other men, but I just don't get why she didn't leave her husband before she cheated.

 

Of course, I wonder the same about my husband, but we are going to counselors to try to figure all that out and work on both of our issues.

 

I guess it all just puzzles me and I don't mean any of this disrespectfully to cheaters or those betrayed. It's just perplexing. Maybe it is the thrill of sneaking around? Or the desire for her to hurt her husband, who has hurt her so many times before? Who knows....it's just all very weird. And she was with her husband when she cheated with mine, but unfortunately he was cheatng on her at the same time. It's like a real life soap opera. Blah.

 

 

 

Married affair partners are on the same page. Two entitled people who just want EXTRA. It's that simple,

[revelations]

I have actually ran across a lot of married men and women alike that cheat because it gives them more of a thrill. That layer of it being forbidden adds extra excitement into it. Usually by doing this with another married man or woman just serves to amplify this feeling and helps insure that discreteness is used.

 

Or you could just say that they want to share their cruelty with everyone. Why act with malice to only your betrayed husband when you can double your fun with a betrayed wife?

[oldshirt]

Generally:

 

1. Being married, he knows the drill and has 'credit' at the marriage and relationship store. This is attractive.

 

2. A MM who is obviously willing to risk his M with deception of this sort has the mindset to be good at it, as successful and attractive men are generally good at what they do. This makes him a more desirable partner than the relatively unknown quantity and quality of a single man. Single men can often be 'problems'; 'loose cannons' of dubious and unconfirmed status. A married man with a family; he has qualifiable status.

 

3. Expectations. The MM already has a family at home so isn't generally out prospecting for a new family. This keeps the elements of the affair relatively simple and easier to manage for a MW. Also, in general, married people IME are really direct about stuff so expectations can be clearly established and boundaries enabled.

 

IME with MW's, where they admitted to PA's, most have been with MM's. With serial MW's, so far all have admitted a preference for MM's, and I noted this aspect while married myself, in that I never had a single (unattached) woman approach me. Married women, yes! They were the ones flirting, touching, rubbing breasts, kissing inappropriately, etc, etc. The single ladies, completely appropriate.

 

BTW, your concurrent/revenge affair report is not uncommon IME either. Sorry about your experience. IMO, counseling can help. My main regret is that I didn't seek it out sooner. Best wishes!

 

 

 

I would agree with this above ^^^^^

 

 

Realize that a lot of married cheaters are not looking to replace their spouse and home and family at all but are rather just open to the possibility for some extra poontang on the side.

 

 

In other words they are looking for some augmentation to fun and excitement. Not looking for a replacement.

 

 

That being said however, another thing that people keep in mind is even if someone is done with their spouse and really do want to find someone new, it's very very rare for anyone to break it off cleanly and then go looking.

 

 

Even though everyone speaks out against it, it is pretty much universal that everyone gets Plan B lined up before they shuck Plan A off to the side.

 

 

We can bitch and moan against it all we want but it really is unrealistic to expect someone to dump their partner cleanly before going out and testing the waters. It just doesn't happen that way.

[TheWalkingMan]

Maybe someone married would cheat with someone else who is also married because they feel they have something in common? Whatever relationship problems they might be having to cause them to do this, so maybe it is a kindred spirits thing? Or maybe it is because a married man has a lot more to lose then a single one, so if you ever decide to end the affair there is less chance the other man will try to stir up drama in your relationship.

[Realist3]

Married affair partners are on the same page. Two entitled people who just want EXTRA. It's that simple,

 

 

I can only speak for myself, but this basically is it. People that get involved with a single AP have to promise something, a future.

 

Of the thousands of single men and women I have read on this site that were/are involved with a married AP, they were almost always counting on some sort of future together exclusively. Granted there are a few exceptions, but they are very few.

 

You have two cake eaters that are content with what the limited situation provides. There are no demands. I don't have to explain to my MW why I can't talk to her tonight. She doesn't have to explain why she had to cancel at the last minute. We don't have to worry ourselves to death over some fake 'happy' photo or post on social media. It is all understood. The level of drama from unrealistic expectations are erased. We both have the same issues.

[veritas lux mea]

I wasn't on the hunt for an affair and I didn't choose a married person like some sort of dating selection. But, as chemistry grew between us I did nothing to shut it down. The thrill and secrecy of it kept me going. I may not have stepped into it so easily had he been single. While you don't hear of clingy OM as often i have known enough sensitive guys to know there would he a greater chance of the AP wanting more if he wasn't already married. So a single guy would have had a strike against him I guess. But who knows? What, ifs, and buts have nothing to do with how my story played out.

 

He had an adult child by another woman. I have no children. I'd like to think I would have considered the children but I probably wouldn't have.

[WasOtherWoman]

I would agree with this above ^^^^^

 

 

Realize that a lot of married cheaters are not looking to replace their spouse and home and family at all but are rather just open to the possibility for some extra poontang on the side.

 

 

In other words they are looking for some augmentation to fun and excitement. Not looking for a replacement.

 

 

That being said however, another thing that people keep in mind is even if someone is done with their spouse and really do want to find someone new, it's very very rare for anyone to break it off cleanly and then go looking.

 

 

Even though everyone speaks out against it, it is pretty much universal that everyone gets Plan B lined up before they shuck Plan A off to the side.

 

 

We can bitch and moan against it all we want but it really is unrealistic to expect someone to dump their partner cleanly before going out and testing the waters. It just doesn't happen that way.

 

A very wise friend once told me (when I was an OW) men don't leave unless Their wife kicks them out or they find someone they want to be with more. I think women are much stronger and more likely to leave if they are unhappy than a man is.

[Friskyone4u]

Most people who have affairs do not plan them in advance so I think that the sexual chemistry that develops for whatever reason, is the main factor, not marital status.

Obviously, for those that plan affairs by going on book up sites, seeking out other married people does offer some false sense of safety because the AP has as much to lose. However, the AP spouse who is being cheated on can and does in many cases discover the A and expose it, which would not happen if AP was single or divorced. So that sense of security is misplaced.

Once A starts, the fog and excitement I think blocks out all thoughts of marital issues since so much time and effort is spent lying and deceiving and trying not to get caught

[painfullyobvious]

Another reason two married couples cheat is that they know the reality of being married. A married person having an affair with a single person would have to worry about an unstable single person, a single person exposing the relationship or getting tired of sharing their partner with a married person. Two married people in an affair understand married expectations and unusually know the reality of the relationship growing further. Single persons in an affair with a married person develop expectations and start wondering when the separation and divorce will occur. They begin to figure out their being used and turn vengeful. Married people have realistic terms in my opinion.

 

Don't get me wrong they are all equally stupid engaging in affairs but single people with married people has too much potential for baggage and exposure.

[Sub]

I've wondered this, too, from a logic standpoint. It doesn't seem logical to risk so much just for sex or sweet conversation from time to time. (If anything, Exit A's between a married and single person have always seemed to make the most sense to me.) But I assume the potential for greater fallout is considered when two married people - especially those with kids - engage in an A. I've come to realize that this isn't the case.

[whatatangledweb]

When I was young and in the military, people would pick married people to cheat with. Their theory was they would know it was a fling not the beginning of a relationship. They would also understand that the family was first and not to intrude into it. They never thought of the harm to two families. They never thought they would be caught so they were risking nothing in their minds.

[No Limit]

1. Selfishness

2. Stupidity

3. Loving the thrill it takes when you shove a relationship into the fire pit

4. Ignorance

 

There are a few more (each person is different) but that's basically the four things that apply to all of them.

[Man Mountain Makino]

I know..the question is really in depth and a deep one. I guess it perplexes me. It seems like it would be more complicated if a man is married and so are you, even if both marriages are pretty messed up.

I think it is really not that complicated.

 

It's a combination of desire and opportunity.

 

During and after the first time, it's a lot of fun.

 

So they repeat.

[violet1]

Married affair partners are on the same page. Two entitled people who just want EXTRA. It's that simple,

^^^^ This exactly! Married with married is an equal playing field. The risk factors are the same and generally no pressure to leave the other spouse. Divorce is scary stuff. Having an affair is easier than dealing with problems head on or getting a D.

[Waverly]

I am married and had an affair with a married man. The affair happened because of who we both are. We made the choice to have the affair, and I would never say "it just happened", but the choices were made in relation to the other specific person, not their marital status. I made a choice to have an affair with one specific person, not to have an affair in general, if that makes any sense.

[atreides]

The title seems specific to answer a why as to "behavior."

 

From LS some MW seek out a crush or attraction they cannot explain and i think the "married" part perhaps has nothing to do with it.

 

From my own experiences:

 

I once had a male friend who cheated on his wife with repeated ONS with MW. He never had feelings for them and could tell the best lies. The MW he usually got were picked up at dance clubs, i guess "girls night out."

 

Then for the MW i know who cheated and why:

 

One simply stated that winning a man over from his W made her feel the "attention" she got as she put it "was enough to make him want me more than his wife" something she said a "single" man could not offer.

 

Another stated she wanted a man who shared the same risks as in having the same amount to lose, but again was thrilled by a man leaving his wife for her.

 

Another had a 6 year affair and ended up divorcing and being with the OMM but he is still married and holding 2 lives forever how long he can... but she is also about the same attention issue.

 

So perhaps there is a theme at play here but the MW ONS from my old friend... he was a good liar and had a way with women... who knows. He always stated MW are vulnerable and he used the fact that he was married... or so he says to get them in bed.

[compulsivedancer]

A MW has defenses against single men but doesn't look at a MM as a threat. So she lets down her boundaries a little and starts getting close. Once the ball starts rolling, no one stops it...

 

Also, after a certain age, if you're married, most of the people you know are married. Affairs are usually a matter of opportunity, not something sought out.

[tornapart2002]

Thanks for the responses guys/gals. many of the answers make some sense. I guess my brain just isn't as warped as my husband's or this woman's.

 

What's weird is how she was called out on it on a public Facebook post and won't admit she had an affair with my husband or that she's having one again with a married man, even though her ex has proof. She just kept posting stuff about how faithful she was and how her husband was always cheatng and she never was. She has three kids. Her oldest is about 17 and pregnant.

 

Of course she wouldn't admit in public about the affair, but to keep egging on her ex by calling him a cheater on a public post so he starts accusing her was just weird.

 

It's all kind of odd to me.

 

It shouldn't bother me, but it pisses me off to no end that I am a non-person to her. I don't even exist. she tried to destroy the life of my son and me and walked away without an ounce of guilt. and now she's doing it to another woman without even caring. I had to stop looking at her public pages because I knew it wasn't healthy and that my husband and I needed to focus on us, but also because I was tired of her telling the world they could kiss her ass because she is amazing and a good person.

[Realist3]

A MW has defenses against single men but doesn't look at a MM as a threat. So she lets down her boundaries a little and starts getting close. Once the ball starts rolling, no one stops it...

 

Also, after a certain age, if you're married, most of the people you know are married. Affairs are usually a matter of opportunity, not something sought out.

 

This is so true! It is not like married people are out cruising around.

[janedoe67]

From a strictly pragmatic angle, if you cheat with someone who is also married, they also have as much to lose as you do? That is a horrible thought, but maybe that is part of it.