Author SweetClover Posted May 10, 2014 Author Posted May 10, 2014 Is that with you and your H, or are you planning to split from your H as well? Honest question. I don't have any plans to make a break from my husband. We are solid, with and without other people involved we have always been happy together and doing our own separate things too. I've never felt like I NEEDED my husband, he just enhances my life and I've always wanted him around and I think with this other guy, I feel different. It's not like I love him more it's just so different. I feel like I was supposed to meet him, like he's another piece of myself I didn't know was missing and I feel incomplete without him now. With my husband it's always been a want not a need. I don't know how else to explain it. I feel like if something had happened where me and my husband grew apart and separated I would feel much like in past situations, I would be really sad but I'd move on and eventually get over it. I have this really strong feeling like I wouldn't ever be able to get over this guy. Not in the same way. Sometimes it really feels like an aching heart, even if we are in the same room, but the thought will come into my mind about losing him and my heart literally aches. Ive never felt that before. I know I must sound dramatic but I really feel like this.
Furious Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 I'm not looking for no strings attached sex. If I wanted that, of course it's free and readily available. I'm a 23 year old girl.. I'm attractive, I'm street smart, can hold a conversation with people much older than myself and I'm a damn good time. I've always been pretty confident. I know I could get someone else.. Problem is I don't want too. I've got a great husband. I never felt like I was lacking anything in our marriage, we always just used the open relationship thing to 'enhance' not fill a void. But now, I'm so addicted to this guy. It's not the lies or the cheating it's just this guy. And when he's gone I feel incomplete. I didn't know what this felt like before and I was happy before. I still consider myself happy but with so much conflict going on inside at the same time. I do think the rush of doing something secret was exciting at first. But I think that's long gone. I'm even addicted to just hearing this guy talk. Just listening to his voice. I'm not surprised by your response. There are plenty of exciting single men with a nice voice who could enjoy a romp with you. The thing is a single man who has sex with you is most likely going to have sex with other available women. You are then just a another notch in his belt. Get my drift....
DKT3 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 After reading this its clear to me that you are cheating on your husband. If you are sharing things (feelings) that you hide or lie to your husband about then you are cheating. Your not being honest to anyone in this situation. Its all so sad, the regrets you will feel in the years to come. 1
ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Yep. Im with DKT3. You're in an affair from youre end. The MM is your primary relationship. You my girl, are in the fog...and sliding fast. Tell your husband. And you are that person. You want to break up a family. Own it.
A.Moscote Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Build up your courage, be polite, and discuss this with your husband. Maybe he will show great understanding and can really help you getting over this guy. Maybe he will enjoy this triangle, and doesn't mind sharing you with another man that you love, who knows. The problem now is your man's wife is clueless and is being deceived. Would you support such a manipulation and unjust act in any other life situation, or would just think of your own satisfaction? You are young, and smart and attractive woman. There's nothing for you to worry about. Now be brave, and take another step up to include 'good hearted' and 'honest' into that lucky person.
Author SweetClover Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 After reading this its clear to me that you are cheating on your husband. If you are sharing things (feelings) that you hide or lie to your husband about then you are cheating. Your not being honest to anyone in this situation. Its all so sad, the regrets you will feel in the years to come. In my heart or mind I'm cheating on him maybe? My husband knows everything the OM does, I have not shared any extra feelings with either one of them, I have not lied to my husband about anything I've done at all, I just have not told him exactly how deep and intense the feelings have gotten. I haven't told either of them that.
Author SweetClover Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Yep. Im with DKT3. You're in an affair from youre end. The MM is your primary relationship. You my girl, are in the fog...and sliding fast. Tell your husband. And you are that person. You want to break up a family. Own it. Is he my primary? Or is it because I can't see him whenever I want that my thoughts tend to go with him? My feelings for my husband haven't changed. Also the part about breaking up a family, I've been quite vocal here saying I do want him to leave now, I didn't before but I do now and I can own that no problem. I didn't break anything, that wasn't already broken, if anything I'm making it easier for him to stay.
Author SweetClover Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Build up your courage, be polite, and discuss this with your husband. Maybe he will show great understanding and can really help you getting over this guy. Maybe he will enjoy this triangle, and doesn't mind sharing you with another man that you love, who knows. The problem now is your man's wife is clueless and is being deceived. Would you support such a manipulation and unjust act in any other life situation, or would just think of your own satisfaction? You are young, and smart and attractive woman. There's nothing for you to worry about. Now be brave, and take another step up to include 'good hearted' and 'honest' into that lucky person. Thank you. I do need to sit down and figure this all out with them. My husband does like the triangle. They both do. But I hate the lie.
spookysonata Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Is he my primary? Or is it because I can't see him whenever I want that my thoughts tend to go with him? My feelings for my husband haven't changed. Also the part about breaking up a family, I've been quite vocal here saying I do want him to leave now, I didn't before but I do now and I can own that no problem. I didn't break anything, that wasn't already broken, if anything I'm making it easier for him to stay. Just so i understand correctly....you want to keep your husband, but also have hers? Do they have kids? This seems incredibly selfish.
Author SweetClover Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 Just so i understand correctly....you want to keep your husband, but also have hers? Do they have kids? This seems incredibly selfish. Of course it's selfish. I know that, which is why I'm feeling so crappy about it. Yes they have two kids, they are with me from Monday to Thursday all day long, I love his kids and they are the main reason I would never give an ultimatum about all this.. If he wants to stay married to her I could eventually accept that, but he says he is unhappy. I do want him to be happy and I know I could help make that happen. So it's a hard situation. She's a good person and I know that I shouldn't want to mess up her world. When this all started all four of us were involved, not sexually but emotionally, we all shared a connection but she grew uncomfortable with it. It's been a secret since. She told him she thought he would fall for me and leave her, but I feel like he was more likely to stay with her when it was in the open than now.
spookysonata Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 So you're encouraging her worst fear to come true. It's nice, i guess, that you feel bad about it...but it doesn't matter much if you keep the affair going in spite of it. How is she going to feel when this comes out?
jellybean89 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 So her H and your H...are they sexual together? Both these men know and are okay with each other having we with you? You can say to your H "hey, MM and I are gonna go upstairs and have sex. Can you get dinner started?" You are 22 years old...you are not even remotely the person you will be at 30. I think when you get to 30+ years old, you will think back and be very ashamed of your behavior and choices. I do not know why you married except to have a man who can financially take care of you. I feel as if you are living in some big frat party of sex with whoever whenever the mood strikes. Please do not bring children into this lifestyle.
Author SweetClover Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 So her H and your H...are they sexual together? Both these men know and are okay with each other having we with you? You can say to your H "hey, MM and I are gonna go upstairs and have sex. Can you get dinner started?" You are 22 years old...you are not even remotely the person you will be at 30. I think when you get to 30+ years old, you will think back and be very ashamed of your behavior and choices. I do not know why you married except to have a man who can financially take care of you. I feel as if you are living in some big frat party of sex with whoever whenever the mood strikes. Please do not bring children into this lifestyle. Open relationship doesn't mean we are having sex with a bunch of people. I've only had a sexual relationship with these two men in the last two years and before that there was a couple people but both my husband and I were involved. We are not into casual sex, we both like making bonds with people that last. It's not all about sex at all, we are much more interested in the emotional connections we make with people. I married my husband when I was still a teenager and we married because we loved each other, wanted the same things and it seemed like the right thing to do. We are probably a lot happier than a lot of married couples you know, we're a lot happier than most we know.. No they are not sexual together but are very very close and that's not ruled out in the long run, nothing is.
Author SweetClover Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 So you're encouraging her worst fear to come true. It's nice, i guess, that you feel bad about it...but it doesn't matter much if you keep the affair going in spite of it. How is she going to feel when this comes out? It was her idea in the beginning that we have a sexual relationship and she realized it went further and became uncomfortable. She still makes plans for all of us, sends us off on our own and depends on me to watch her kids almost every day. She knows we still have feelings for each other. I think she'll feel stupid when it all comes out. Sounds harsh but I do believe that strongly.
Striver Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 It was her idea in the beginning that we have a sexual relationship and she realized it went further and became uncomfortable. She still makes plans for all of us, sends us off on our own and depends on me to watch her kids almost every day. She knows we still have feelings for each other. I think she'll feel stupid when it all comes out. Sounds harsh but I do believe that strongly. Perhaps, like yourself, she is open and values emotional connection. She wanted to give you and her husband a chance for connection and openness. Then she became uncomfortable with the situation, and, openly, asked you to quit. You and her husband presumably told her you would quit, then went behind her back and started lying about it. What in particular does she deserve to feel stupid about?
spookysonata Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 It was her idea in the beginning that we have a sexual relationship and she realized it went further and became uncomfortable. She still makes plans for all of us, sends us off on our own and depends on me to watch her kids almost every day. She knows we still have feelings for each other. I think she'll feel stupid when it all comes out. Sounds harsh but I do believe that strongly. Yep. Sounds pretty harsh. But, you know, she has nothing to feel stupid about. It isn't stupid to trust your spouse and friends. She SHOULD be able to do that. Maybe the sharing was her idea as you said, but she became uncomfortable and asked you to stop...and you went behind her back instead. There are myriad reasons for her not seeing what's going on, but they probably involve her loving and trusting you guys to have her back and not hurt her. She has nothing to feel stupid about.
Author SweetClover Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 Perhaps, like yourself, she is open and values emotional connection. She wanted to give you and her husband a chance for connection and openness. Then she became uncomfortable with the situation, and, openly, asked you to quit. You and her husband presumably told her you would quit, then went behind her back and started lying about it. What in particular does she deserve to feel stupid about? Did I say I think she would deserve to feel stupid? I don't think that and I don't believe it. I think the question was how I thought she'd feel, and knowing her and her priorities and personality, I think she will feel stupid about how things have carried on.. I don't want her to be hurt and I don't think she deserves it. I think she's had a lot of opportunities to better their relationship especially after opening it up and then closing it again, he has tried to talk to her about it and she has chosen to rug sweep it. I don't mean the affair, I mean everything that's went on in the last year. She refuses to acknowledge it. Acts like we are all friends and nothing more even though she's well aware we have had sex, encouraged it in the beginning and then told us to end it. Now she calls it a crush he has on me, even though it's clearly more. She is not in the wrong, we are, but I do think I know better how she'll feel about it because I do know her. It's not as if we are being hugely secretive or lying to her daily, I think most people who found themselves in this situation would be a lot more proactive about fixing things. I'm part of the problem. I know that and wouldn't say otherwise.
Author SweetClover Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 Yep. Sounds pretty harsh. But, you know, she has nothing to feel stupid about. It isn't stupid to trust your spouse and friends. She SHOULD be able to do that. Maybe the sharing was her idea as you said, but she became uncomfortable and asked you to stop...and you went behind her back instead. There are myriad reasons for her not seeing what's going on, but they probably involve her loving and trusting you guys to have her back and not hurt her. She has nothing to feel stupid about. I don't feel she should feel stupid, but I believe she WOULD, if this was outted. In a normal situation I would agree with you that she probably just has trust? But no, she doesn't trust him as far as she can throw him. Shes very jealous and possessive and makes comments daily about other women, but not me. She will say to me and other people that he's just infatuated with me.
spookysonata Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I don't want her to be hurt and I don't think she deserves it. Then WHY are you doing this? Seriously, why? Your remarks about everything being her idea, them telling you to end it, make it sound like you're angry at her. She does have a right to have her husband to herself. And the question I asked earlier was, you want to keep your own husband AND have hers? So you can live together with your two guys in a cozy threesome and she can be left alone raising the kids? I asked to make sure I was understanding correctly, because it's mindblowing that you would do that to anyone, let alone someone you claim to be friends with.
Author SweetClover Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 (edited) Then WHY are you doing this? Seriously, why? Your remarks about everything being her idea, them telling you to end it, make it sound like you're angry at her. She does have a right to have her husband to herself. And the question I asked earlier was, you want to keep your own husband AND have hers? So you can live together with your two guys in a cozy threesome and she can be left alone raising the kids? I asked to make sure I was understanding correctly, because it's mindblowing that you would do that to anyone, let alone someone you claim to be friends with. I guess it would be easy to see it that way. She chooses not to have a sexual relationship with him and expects him to be ok with that. He does love his family, he does love her or he would have left, I'm well aware of that, and you can't always control what you WANT. I do want him to leave and be with me. I have not told him to do that and ultimately I would want them to stay together and us to just make things work as a team. You might think that sounds far fetched, but it worked before. And I already take care of the kids 5 days a week, over nights and all.. Not so far fetched. I love his kids, I want what's best for them. So sure I want him to leave her unless we can be open about things, but I can't help that. She does have a right to her husband, of course, I've never said otherwise and I know I'm in the wrong. It is what it is. If he didn't love me Id just move on. He does though and I love him so I'm not going to walk away. Edited May 12, 2014 by SweetClover
spookysonata Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 I do want him to leave and be with me. I have not told him to do that and ultimately I would want them to stay together This...doesn't even make sense. Acknowledging over and over how wrong you are and how bad you feel while you continue betraying your friend...it's like farting in the wind. Somehow I think you'll be shocked at her anger towards you when d day comes. Good luck...you sound very young.
spookysonata Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Seems like she made it clear she doesn't WANT to work as a team, and would rather you stay out of her marriage. Why do you disrespect her?
Author SweetClover Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 This...doesn't even make sense. Acknowledging over and over how wrong you are and how bad you feel while you continue betraying your friend...it's like farting in the wind. Somehow I think you'll be shocked at her anger towards you when d day comes. Good luck...you sound very young. I won't be shocked at her anger. Make no mistake, I chose him over her, I'm closer to him and always have been. If they stayed together and were both happy then that's what I'd ultimately want for them all. But he says he's not happy without me in his life, so it's either be open about it, With her being aware, but them staying together, or him get a divorce. I would like it all to be figured out before a DDay of some sort, that's what I want.
Author SweetClover Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 Seems like she made it clear she doesn't WANT to work as a team, and would rather you stay out of her marriage. Why do you disrespect her? Because I love him, and he loves me. We are going to end up together, me and him, sooner rather than later. I'd rather her know about it and accept it but if not he will end up getting a divorce. If I made an ultimatum he would choose to leave but I haven't and so right now he is comfortable and is staying. He does love her. But without a sexual relationship the connection is lacking to say the least. Makes it sound again like it's just about sex. There is no JUST about it, that's a huge part of the human experience and it's important in a relationship.
Striver Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Because I love him, and he loves me. We are going to end up together, me and him, sooner rather than later. I'd rather her know about it and accept it but if not he will end up getting a divorce. If I made an ultimatum he would choose to leave but I haven't and so right now he is comfortable and is staying. He does love her. But without a sexual relationship the connection is lacking to say the least. Makes it sound again like it's just about sex. There is no JUST about it, that's a huge part of the human experience and it's important in a relationship. Again, how can you wind up together? You're already married and say you have no plans to leave. I realize you may be a relief to the troubles in his marriage now. But for you to be together, his marriage has to go away. If his marriage goes away, don't you think he'd want more than you with husband? Now if you leave your husband, then you could be together. Otherwise, he could stay in the marriage. If he stays in the marriage long term, then your presence in his life is just a distraction. You should move on. If he leaves the marriage, you either need to leave your husband, or he would be better off finding a new woman who can give him 100%. Again, you're a distraction in that scenario. I know you, MM, and your husband are all happy with the current arrangement, but that is only with his wife still present. If his wife leaves the picture, I don't think the three of you are a stable combination. You will have to make a decision.
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