seeker1984 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Every guy I've ever dated had been hung up on someone who treated them wrong, and because of my low self esteem i hung on and thought well if i can just let them see i won't hurt them then maybe they will let their feelings for Assn ex go. Then i get dumped and they end up not with their ex but with someone else and all they can say us they are grateful they dated me it opened their eyes to how to treat a woman and i end up alone....this had happened like 3 times. And the last two guys i went on supple dates with right of the bat they bright up an ex so i ended communication with them. What am i doing wrong??? Please help me
d0nnivain Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 You are the common denominator in all of this. Do you see any other similarities -- where or when you meet them? Things you talk about in the begining? Somehow you are attracted to wounded birds. Have you tried focusing on potential dates who aren't fix-er-up projects? Once you initially realize they are hung up on somebody else, why do you stay? I went on two dates with a guy. By the 2nd date, I knew he wasn't over his EX. We spent 3/4 of the date dissecting their relationship. I was OK with that. At the end of the date he said I was easy to talk to & he'd like to see me again. I politely declined & explained he wasn't ready to date. 1
Author seeker1984 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 I've met guys through friend, dating sites, at bars....and by the 2nd date they are taking about the ex....i used to stay with them because i thought that's all i could get since every date I've ever been on has done that. Idk its just really depressing.
Gaeta Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Before meeting these guys do you ask them how long they've been single? That is my 2nd question after 'how are you'. If he has not been single for a reasonable time I decline starting a conversation and wish him luck.
Legatus Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I think you're not doing anything wrong. They're just bunch of idiots! Sorry I had to say it out loud.. Even when I went out on a "sort of" date few months after my break up I would never have thought of bringing up my ex into the conversation.. To be honest if the guy is someone you like (apart from the ex talk) just tell them straight it's not place or time to talk about that kind of stuff. If they don't take a hint.. that's time to go! I would certainly do that.. after few guys you take it personally and think something is wrong with you but if you don't ask them "how's your ex" etc. then I don't see a single reason why you should think it's your fault!
Author seeker1984 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 What do you think a good amount of time for someone to be single before they start dating again?
bluegreen Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 A year minimum its OK to mention someone but to keep talking up positive or bitching negative about ex is not acceptable. They start either one you start walking away ... 1
soccerrprp Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 What do you think a good amount of time for someone to be single before they start dating again? When they are have moved forward and beyond their past, ex and now ready for a new relationship. There is no minimum time. Everyone is different.
Author seeker1984 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 My ex of a yr and half started dating within a week....the ****
ktya Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 What am i doing wrong??? Please help me At the risk of sounding cruel, my guess is that you need to work on your physical attractiveness. Consult some of your better looking friends on wardrobe choices, makeup application, maybe ask for ideas for how to do your hair in a makeover. Hit the gym or get into some heavily physical activity like recreational paintball (420cal/hr burn rate its fantastic you can lose a couple pounds in half a day). What is likely happening is that you are making the guy feel like a million bucks, stroking his ego, then he meets someone better looking who looks better on his arm who shows an interest in his new found confidence that you gave him, walks away and tells you that you were a great person for him to be with for a while to rebuild his ego. On the subject of paintball (since your now single again) if you go to an army surplus store and buy a camoflage outfit go to a paintball field (not an airball field with the baloons the type in the woods) rent a gun and start playing in earnest, you will meet a guy who will fall in love with you in about an hour if you flirt with him. Theres a saying in woodsball- "My girlfriend told me with was either HER or PAINTBALL. I'll miss her."
blueskyday Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 (edited) I will say that a lot of guys talk about their exes because they don't understand what went wrong in those relationships. They want to figure it , problem solve it and move on... Or they actually ARE still hooked on ex. In my experience, a man who is still into his ex talks about her all the time, as in, "my ex loves that perfume !" Or "Yeah, my ex said that all the time when we had sex." (Huh?! Actually said to me in response to compliment about his bedroom skills.) The way to tell the difference is to ask a simple question when he is talking about his ex. Ask him "what did you learn from that relationship?" If he talks about how he learned that communication is important with somebody, or how he needs to pick a woman with better character, then you know he's just trying to figure out stuff in his head. Proceed to date, but limit conversation to one or two on this subject. If he goes on and on about her personally, how wonderful she is or other details about her, then keep your eyes open and listen to how many times he mentions her in other conversations. Be on red alert. If he talks about her excessively, bail! I've learned not to come right out and ask guys "are you over your ex?" The reason is because they will tell you that they "sure are" when they actually aren't ! Edited May 8, 2014 by blueskyday
Author seeker1984 Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 I really do need to hit the gym tho, idc if you were trying to be mean with all that, and someone just wanted me for looks than they wouldn't be someone i really wanted. There's airways gutta be a mean person who comments. I guess in the end if someone talks about Assn ex I'll just walk its not my place to understand or try to fix them....YOLO lol
Gaeta Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 What do you think a good amount of time for someone to be single before they start dating again? A rule of thumb is the person needs to be single 25% of the relationship length. If they dated one year then being single at least 3 months. If they dated 4 years then 1 year single.
soccerrprp Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I would also say that recovery time is not absolute, and is different for each person. Some people have processed the end of their prior relationship while it was coming to an end, and are ready to start a new relationship soon after the prior one ended. I know a man whom we were friends of the married couple. His wife of many years died at an early age and he started dating within a few months of her death, and got married within the year. He has been happily married to the new woman for several years now. Each person is different in how much time they need to process the relationship that ended before getting into the next relationship. There is no rule of thumb. But if he is talking about her excessively to you, he likely is not over her and it's best to move on. Good points, KathyM. Big difference between losing someone to ending a relationship, don't you think? Anyway, as a widower and someone who ended a relationship only to discover that I was not over an ex, I completely agree that there are no rules of thumb that are truly helpful in relationships of the world of dating. Circumstances, personality dictate how long it takes for someone to "get over" someone much more than the time they were together. It's simply a bad idea to date someone who is constantly talking about an ex. Sometimes they bring them up to provide examples of what they have been through, or want to avoid, etc. but if the ex is constantly on the consciousness of the person you're dating, this is not a healthy sign. Be very very cautious.
Gaeta Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Well, you guys and I don't read the same development literature it seems. If you have been out of a relationship and you've been out of it for more than the third of it and you are still struggling, it means you have important unsolved issues that you need to address possibly with a professional. I have a friend that was in a 3 year relationship, that relationship ended 3 years ago, and she is STILL not over him. She has been single 100% of the duration of this relationship and is still struggling. That is not normal. The rule of thumb is not only for the person you are dating but also for yourself as a reference if you are moving along as you should. Each case is different and unique BUT for someone dating, having a rule of thumb will filter out a lot of those recently single seeking a band-aid.
DArtagnan2 Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I know one of the first dates I went on after my ex and I split, the gal asked me almost immediately, how long had I been out of my last relationship? And how long was that relationship? When she got the answer to those questions, she immediately began to ask more questions like "Why did you two break up?" and so on. So I answered the questions she asked, and would follow with, I am happy to talk about anything you want to know, but I don't really want to go on about my ex. Yet, she continued to ask. I guess at this point, she was looking to see how over my ex I really was. What happened after though, was she had written me an email stating that she enjoyed the date , thinks I am this and that but, she feels I am not over my ex because we had quite a carried on conversation about my ex. I just threw my hands up in the air at that point because I was thinking, "You asked me those questions?" I probably wouldn't have even brought her up. Anyway, if you aren't asking about the ex, and they are going on and on about it, then most likely they aren't over whatever happened with them and their ex. but people should also keep in mind that if you are asking questions about past relationships, don't hold it against a fella if he answers the questions.
StanMusial Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 I know one of the first dates I went on after my ex and I split, the gal asked me almost immediately, how long had I been out of my last relationship? And how long was that relationship? When she got the answer to those questions, she immediately began to ask more questions like "Why did you two break up?" and so on. So I answered the questions she asked, and would follow with, I am happy to talk about anything you want to know, but I don't really want to go on about my ex. Yet, she continued to ask. I guess at this point, she was looking to see how over my ex I really was. What happened after though, was she had written me an email stating that she enjoyed the date , thinks I am this and that but, she feels I am not over my ex because we had quite a carried on conversation about my ex. I just threw my hands up in the air at that point because I was thinking, "You asked me those questions?" I probably wouldn't have even brought her up. Anyway, if you aren't asking about the ex, and they are going on and on about it, then most likely they aren't over whatever happened with them and their ex. but people should also keep in mind that if you are asking questions about past relationships, don't hold it against a fella if he answers the questions. LOL. Yeah probably better to steer that conversation a little bit. Beaches be crazy, we know this.
Frank2thepoint Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Every guy I've ever dated had been hung up on someone who treated them wrong, and because of my low self esteem i hung on and thought well if i can just let them see i won't hurt them then maybe they will let their feelings for Assn ex go. Then i get dumped and they end up not with their ex but with someone else and all they can say us they are grateful they dated me it opened their eyes to how to treat a woman and i end up alone....this had happened like 3 times. And the last two guys i went on supple dates with right of the bat they bright up an ex so i ended communication with them. What am i doing wrong??? Please help me The main problem here is you have a low view of yourself, so you make yourself available to men as a friendly ear and a shoulder to cry on. You are basically getting "friendzoned". There is nothing with being supportive, but you have to set boundaries early on in dating so these guys don't walk all over you, compare you to their exes, and dump you. The first thing you need to do is work on yourself. Build up your self-esteem, your confidence, and your self-worth. If you don't have self-respect, men will take advantage of you. How you achieve this is up to you. Therapy can help, meditations, mental exercises, friends, family, or awakening pure survival skills. After that, when you do date, do not be afraid to speak up if a man begins a catharsis about their exes. If they mention it once, let it go. But if it's two or three times, speak up. Say something like "I understand you wish to share about your ex, but this date is about seeing if we are compatible, to see if you can move on to someone new." If you cringe at saying something like this, then you still need to work on being confident. Hope this helps. 1
Author seeker1984 Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 Ty frank, everything you said makes sense, I'm going to work on myself, i know i need to be more out spoken.
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