bananatree Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I've been married for 11 years. We have two kids ages 8 and 6. I'm not sure how to get into all the issues, but I'll start by saying that while we were having our first child, my husband's career really took off and with that came so much stress. As if having a child isn't stressful enough. He needed to travel almost every week for work, and when he was home he would be out late, coming home at 10 or later from work. By the time my second child was born, my job was downsized and it made the most sense for our family for me to stay home and be a full-time mom. During this time, my H became very stressed out and this came out through emotionally and verbally abusive behaviors and he became very impossible to live with. To give you a few examples... on a good day, I would be met with lots of sarcasm, eye rolls. Some days, I think he thought I changed my name to "*********" or "moron." He resorted to yelling a lot and occasionally there were physical threats, like a fist up to my face, though he never hit me. Most days, there has always been some kind of overt or covert put-down. One of his favorite gestures was to fashion a pretend gun out of his fingers and pretend to shoot himself in the head when I talked about my day or my thoughts. These abusive behaviors really took a toll on me. I became very sad and depressed. Sometimes, he would feel bad and promise to change. He blamed stress, he blamed himself, he said he didn't want to behave that way... but in the same breath, he'd say "if only you didn't [fill in the blank]. Then he'd blame me for being so "sensitive" and that I shouldn't take his behavior so seriously. During this time, he also put on about 100 lbs on his already overweight frame and he now teeters on the edge of morbid obesity. We never have sex and I'm pretty repulsed by his body in its current form. Our last major issue came about 5 months ago when I had a friend visiting at our house. I think he got annoyed at the intrusion of having a houseguest for a week and decided to go on a tirade about how I am a "freeloader" and a "total load" and a "c-word." I have heard this before about how he works and I "do nothing but spend his money." I am a good mom, I keep a nice house, I volunteer 20 weeks at my kids' school and I'm also a grad student at a prestigious university (I also work part-time for the university). He later apologized and agreed that in fact, I do everything so he can pursue his career without restrictions. He comes and goes when he pleases, rarely does housework, doesn't do much in the business of childrearing, filing the taxes, paying the bills, taking the dogs to the vet, doing the yard work, etc., etc. He has gone on tirades like this before, but this last time really broke my heart. I just didn't know what to do with the information. Is he really upset that I don't work at a paying job to the capacity he does? In more sober states, he says that he couldn't perform his job without my behind the scenes support. So that means he only said those things specifically to hurt me, because he was grasping at straws. He knows I'm currently grad school so that I can work in my chosen profession in a year or so. For the past 5 months, he has been really trying. He hasn't been abusive, he's trying to lose weight, he's being really nice, in fact. He's giving me lots of compliments and telling me how proud he is of me. He's trying to spend more quality time together, going out on dates, buying me little gifts, etc. I have read about the cycle of abuse. I get that it's only a matter of time before the bad behavior starts again. We have kids, I'm trying to finish my degree, we are always pretty strapped financially, though he makes really good money (we just have so many stupid bills!). I've tried to leave in the past, but when he's nice, he can be really great. But I find it really hard to forget his past behavior. My resentment has grown and grown, I find myself replaying abuse scenarios in my head from years ago now. And I always feel on edge, like he's about to go off on me. I'm always on guard. This gives him even more ammunition against me--that I'm crazy, that I'm living in the past, looking for reasons to hate him. In his mind he's the victim because he "loves me but I hate him." At this point, I am just so tired and defeated. I don't know how to summon the strength to initiate a divorce. Day to day life is just so much. Has anyone been in a similar situation?
pink_sugar Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 (edited) Oh wow, so sorry you have gone through this. I admit, I have resentment for things my husband has done in the past to cause me grief. Mostly it's due to bad financial decisions or stupid mistakes. We have both been verbally abusive to one another at some point, but it's not one sided and something we have both been working on since it seems to happen during times of dire stress. It sounds like your husband has gone off at you for minimal reasoning. You do your best to contribute to the household and he's out of line. With regards to bills, is there anything you can cut back on so you're not as strapped financially? I can relate to this (having too many bills) but it's mostly because my husband and I are working part time. But if your husband is making good money, I'm sure you can find areas to cut back on. (if you go out to eat, cut back, shop at discount grocers, clip coupons, refinance your home or car for lower payments if you qualify...scale back on your TV service or cell service (or ask about discounts/specials that are being offered), sign up for hardship programs if you have credit cards you are only making minimum payments on (they can often reduce your interest rate drastically for up to a year)...have a garage sale or sell unwanted items on ebay, anything you don't really need or use.) Edited May 7, 2014 by pink_sugar
oldshirt Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 During this time, my H became very stressed out and this came out through emotionally and verbally abusive behaviors and he became very impossible to live with. Issue #1. We all have stress in our lives. Stress does not excuse abuse, nor does stress absolve others from making a stand against it. These abusive behaviors really took a toll on me. I became very sad and depressed. Sometimes, he would feel bad and promise to change. He blamed stress, he blamed himself, he said he didn't want to behave that way... but in the same breath, he'd say "if only you didn't [fill in the blank]. Then he'd blame me for being so "sensitive" and that I shouldn't take his behavior so seriously. Issue #2. Not taking responsibility for actions. "If only..." is blameshifting for bad behavior. "don't be so sensitive..." is the fist blaming the black eye for turning black. During this time, he also put on about 100 lbs on his already overweight frame and he now teeters on the edge of morbid obesity. Issue #3. (and that is morbid obesity BTW) A 100lb weight gain is never excusable. And again is not taking responsibility for unhealthy lifestyle choices. a 100lb weight gain as requires some co-dependency on your part. We never have sex and I'm pretty repulsed by his body in its current form. Issue #4. Lack of intimacy and romance/sexuality. Repugnance in his body is clearly understandable. Obesity is a pathological state and pathological states are not attractive or desirable. If he diabetis (which he will soon if he doesn't already) or cancer (ditto) or heart disease (ditto again) would you not drag his ass to the Doctor for treatment???? If he had diabetis/cancer/heart disease, would not strive to make sure that he was receiving the proper treatments, therapies, diet etc etc etc? One of the reasons you are finding him so repulsive and have such a level of disrespect is he is not respecting himself enough to take proper care of himself and is allowing himself to fall deeper and deeper into an illness without proper treatment. Obesity is not a cosmetic or superficial issue, it is a diseased state. Our last major issue came about 5 months ago when I had a friend visiting at our house. I think he got annoyed at the intrusion of having a houseguest for a week and decided to go on a tirade about how I am a "freeloader" and a "total load" and a "c-word." I have heard this before about how he works and I "do nothing but spend his money." I am a good mom, I keep a nice house, I volunteer 20 weeks at my kids' school and I'm also a grad student at a prestigious university (I also work part-time for the university). Issue #5, lack of appreciation and acknowledgement of what is provided for him and the family. Lack of appreciation often comes feeling unappreciated by your partner also. In other words, his lack of appreciation and acknowledgement for you can stem in part to feeling unappreciated by you as well. There are a couple dynamics that can take place between husbands and wives. Husbands go out and work long hours to provide the support and resources for their families. Meanwhile wives can feel resentment and disdain towards the long hours and the stress. Men are doing what they believe in their hearts they should be doing and are not only not being appreciated for their hard work and time away from their homes and families, they are being chewed out for it. a huge source of appreciation for men is sexuality. Men exchange love and appreciation and validity etc etc through their sexualities. Men do not feel appreciated and valued by women who aren't sexual with them. a woman who does not desire a man and isn't sexual with him is just another woman who complains and wants things and whines and has aches and pains all the time. However a woman can't desire a man she does not respect and admire. A woman can't respect and admire a man who is a 100lbs overweight and treats her like crap and doesn't appreciate her. It's a true catch-22 and one that needs serious intervention for the relationship to survive. He later apologized and agreed that in fact, I do everything so he can pursue his career without restrictions. He comes and goes when he pleases, rarely does housework, doesn't do much in the business of childrearing, filing the taxes, paying the bills, taking the dogs to the vet, doing the yard work, etc., etc. He doesn't appreciate those things because he's never had to do them. If he were to start doing them, he would appreciate the effort that goes into it. He has gone on tirades like this before, but this last time really broke my heart. I just didn't know what to do with the information. Is he really upset that I don't work at a paying job to the capacity he does? In more sober states, he says that he couldn't perform his job without my behind the scenes support. So that means he only said those things specifically to hurt me, because he was grasping at straws. He knows I'm currently grad school so that I can work in my chosen profession in a year or so. For the past 5 months, he has been really trying. He hasn't been abusive, he's trying to lose weight, he's being really nice, in fact. He's giving me lots of compliments and telling me how proud he is of me. He's trying to spend more quality time together, going out on dates, buying me little gifts, etc. I have read about the cycle of abuse. I get that it's only a matter of time before the bad behavior starts again. We have kids, I'm trying to finish my degree, we are always pretty strapped financially, though he makes really good money (we just have so many stupid bills!). I've tried to leave in the past, but when he's nice, he can be really great. But I find it really hard to forget his past behavior. My resentment has grown and grown, I find myself replaying abuse scenarios in my head from years ago now. And I always feel on edge, like he's about to go off on me. I'm always on guard. This gives him even more ammunition against me--that I'm crazy, that I'm living in the past, looking for reasons to hate him. In his mind he's the victim because he "loves me but I hate him." At this point, I am just so tired and defeated. I don't know how to summon the strength to initiate a divorce. Day to day life is just so much. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Some responses above. I'll fill in more later. 1
sameoldthing Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Some responses above. I'll fill in more later. I just wanted to say that was fantastic insight. I'm really sorry as I don't quite know what to say but I really hope it works out. Old shirt has some great insights so hopefully that will help! Best:)
oldshirt Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 He has gone on tirades like this before, but this last time really broke my heart. I just didn't know what to do with the information. Is he really upset that I don't work at a paying job to the capacity he does? In more sober states, he says that he couldn't perform his job without my behind the scenes support. So that means he only said those things specifically to hurt me, because he was grasping at straws. He knows I'm currently grad school so that I can work in my chosen profession in a year or so. words are like bullets, once fired, they can not be called back. and like when a bullet strikes, the damage is done in an instant. For the past 5 months, he has been really trying. He hasn't been abusive, he's trying to lose weight, he's being really nice, in fact. He's giving me lots of compliments and telling me how proud he is of me. He's trying to spend more quality time together, going out on dates, buying me little gifts, etc. You are within reason to question whether this change in permanent or not. You are also within reason to be mad that he only shows change when he's been called out on bad behavior and is faced with losing his family. as there have been years and years of abusive and dismissive behavior, it will take more than 5 months for him to make the changes permanent as well as more time for you to accept the change as permanent and to heal the harm caused by his bad behavior. I have read about the cycle of abuse. I get that it's only a matter of time before the bad behavior starts again. Perhaps yes, perhaps no. I think it's reasonable at this point to make a "next time -" ultimatum. Which is prepare the ways and means to leave and move on with your life the next time he flies off the handle and has an abusive and harmful outburst. If he goes the next 50 years without it happening, then you've had a good 50 years. however if he blows it before then, at least he had fair warning and you were prepared with what you had to do. We have kids, I'm trying to finish my degree, we are always pretty strapped financially, though he makes really good money (we just have so many stupid bills!). A higher education and a higher paying job may help, but an actual solution will require a comprehensive financial plan that requires controlled/reduced spending as much as higher incomes. I've tried to leave in the past, but when he's nice, he can be really great. But I find it really hard to forget his past behavior. My resentment has grown and grown, I find myself replaying abuse scenarios in my head from years ago now. And I always feel on edge, like he's about to go off on me. I'm always on guard. That is understandable and legitimate. He needs a wake up call as to how serious this situation is. That may require preparing divorce papers and having him choose between divorce vs sitting down with you and a counselor to work on all the issues. It may take a separation or it may even take filing for divorce to get him to hear you. This gives him even more ammunition against me--that I'm crazy, that I'm living in the past, looking for reasons to hate him. In his mind he's the victim because he "loves me but I hate him." accusing the other of being crazy is classic deflection of an abuser. At this point, I am just so tired and defeated. I don't know how to summon the strength to initiate a divorce. Day to day life is just so much. Has anyone been in a similar situation? yes. millions Resonses above.
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