Understanding personaitly types - improving communication

[Babolat]

Reading the discussions in the below forum yesterday from folks who are in a relationship where their personality types are the same as mine and the woman I am currently starting to date, was an eye opener for me, and really helped me.

 

Personality Cafe

 

These are real people, like LSers, who are seeing the pros and cons in their relationships, are studying and paying attention to their personality types, learning as much as they can about "who they are", "why the are the way they are" and learning how to better communicate with their partner based on this knowledge.

 

The post that helped me is this one: ISTJ and ENFP relationships - Page 9

 

After reading this I figured out why I am the way I am in certain situations, why she is the way she is, how she thinks and processes, how I do, how we differ, and how best to talk/communicate knowing this. This was from reading a post where real people with real experiences gave "how to" tips and experiences from their relationships.

 

I applied this new found knowledge yesterday in my communications with her, and it worked. And, today, I feel better, I don't feel hurt, I don't feel angry or upset as I understand her a little better, and I understand me a little better.

 

I hope this can help you, too.

[Gaeta]

I am not sure I want to rely on those personality tests to guide me in life. I did those test and depending on my mood I get different results.

 

I believe we are the sum result of our environment and experiences. You can be an amazing ENFP or you can be a highly dysfunctional ENFP depending where you're coming from in life, and where you are at in your personal development.

 

What you did with your lady, in my eyes, has nothing to do with personality traits. You simply controlled your insecure temper, you took a cool down period, then you answered her with respect, understanding and consideration. NO matter what personality type people around you are, you will always get a positive feedback if you address them with respect.

[Chocolat]

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I believe we are the sum result of our environment and experiences. You can be an amazing ENFP or you can be a highly dysfunctional ENFP depending where you're coming from in life, and where you are at in your personal development.

 

Agreed.

 

And while I also believe that self-improvement is important, i.e., learning to communicate more effectively, I don't think relationships should be so much work, Babolat. How long have you been dating this woman and how many threads have you made about her? How many times have you compared her to your ex-gf? What do those answers (which do not have to be provided here, particularly if they provoke a desire to defend rather than to introspect) say?

[Babolat]

I am not sure I want to rely on those personality tests to guide me in life. I did those test and depending on my mood I get different results.

 

I believe we are the sum result of our environment and experiences. You can be an amazing ENFP or you can be a highly dysfunctional ENFP depending where you're coming from in life, and where you are at in your personal development.

 

What you did with your lady, in my eyes, has nothing to do with personality traits. You simply controlled your insecure temper, you took a cool down period, then you answered her with respect, understanding and consideration. NO matter what personality type people around you are, you will always get a positive feedback if you address them with respect.

 

I'm not suggesting we rely solely on personality types. I do think understanding your, theirs, etc and in of your relationships (lovers, work, family, friends, etc) will help you in your communications.

 

If your tests vary depending on your mood, then I think something is off. I have had a full blown Myers Briggs done on me 2-3 times in my life at various points in my life and I always test as an ISTJ. I have done a few "quickie" ones on the internet, and I do not consider them "the source"; they do confirm I am an ISTJ. I have also had DiSC tests done on me at previous employers; same results.

 

My ex gf was an amazing dysfunctional ENFP. It takes two healthy people to be in a healthy relationship, regardless of your personality type.

[Babolat]

Babolat. How long have you been dating this woman and how many threads have you made about her? How many times have you compared her to your ex-gf? What do those answers (which do not have to be provided here, particularly if they provoke a desire to defend rather than to introspect) say?

I am attracted to the ENFP in her, like I was with my ex gf, thus my comparisions here. My ex gf was a very dysfunctionl ENFP with major moral, value and character differences.

 

I am not saying this woman is "the one". I like her, she is going thru a crisis, I have to decide how much of that I can manage, deal with. While doing that I am going to chose to be introspective, pay attention to how I feel and how I communicate with her, chose to use this as another opportunity in my life to grow and work on myself. I am backing off a bit, letting her work thru this on her own, and not letting myself get more emotionally involved. I can't; not even sure she is emotionally available for a dating relationship right now.

 

I defended her in the "stalking" thread only because those who have never experienced this personally don't know what it's like, and honestly, IMHO, should not be commenting if they don't. This is my first experience with it and you, me, and every other LSer who thinks they know "what they would do if.." has no idea what this has been like for her and how pathetic the system is at helping a vicitim of this. So, in my opinion, why comment, why play monday morning arm chair quaterback when you don't know?

 

Every one of my friends who has met her, who I have shared her story with, sympathizes with her. My female best friend was even getting goose bumps on her arms last night when I shared her story. None of them questioned her actions to date; they all see her as a vicitm and admire how she has handled and managed this. THAT is why I got defensive.

 

And yes, at my age, 47, where we all have baggage, some kind of suffering, I do think relationships will take work, more work than they did when I was 20 or 30. If I chose to walk away from every woman who has some baggage, a little drama, a difference, the relationship may need some extra work, well, I think I will remain single until they put me 6 feet under. I plan to continue to learn about myself, who I am, why I am, why I act the way I do. I ignored this in my marriage, and my marriage failed. I am not blaming myself for that. I am simply stating I will take every opportunity I can to learn more about me, my personaility type being one of those.

 

The reaction I had this weekend, how I felt, how I behaved, how I acted, has happened to me in the past, in other LTRs. I wanted to know, why. Reading the post I referenced above helped me understand why. I could chose to ignore this and continue to act this way in my current or a future relationship, hurt my partner, do damge with my words and actions/behaviors, or I can chose to recognize it when I feel it, understand it, and respond, react differently. I chose the latter.

 

This thread was not about her, or us, rather how understanding personality types, your type and theirs, may help in a relationship.

Edited May 7, 2014 by Babolat

[Chocolat]

This is my first experience with it and you, me, and every other LSer who thinks they know "what they would do if.." has no idea what this has been like for her and how pathetic the system is at helping a vicitim of this. So, in my opinion, why comment, why play monday morning arm chair quaterback when you don't know?

 

How do you know who knows and who doesn't? Isn't is possible that some posters have had experience with stalking but choose not to divulge this on an open forum?

 

Given that you do not have experience with stalking, is it fair to say that your robust defense may be just as misguided as the posts with which you do not agree?

 

This thread was not about her, or us, rather how understanding personality types, your type and theirs, may help in a relationship.

 

As I said, my intent was not to trigger your defenses but to encourage you to introspect. You have made many threads about this woman and, while this thread may not have started as being about her specifically (although I think it's fair to say that your recent "hurt" from her is what prompted you), your response to Gaeta again references your ex.

 

Best wishes.

[Babolat]

How do you know who knows and who doesn't? Isn't is possible that some posters have had experience with stalking but choose not to divulge this on an open forum?

 

I don't, though IMHO it's fairly easy to tell, as the ones who did have personal experience, volunteered that they did, which is what I was looking for, not a bunch of LSers telling me everything they would have done, "If it was them..." and all the mistakes she has made, because she did not handle like they would have, "If it was them..". Which is kind of the norm here these days, unfortunately.

 

I referenced my ex gf in my reply to Gaeta as an example of what she was stating, not to reference her for my sake.

 

My intent with this thead was to share knowledge, not talk about my story.

 

I'm going to ask the moderator to delete this thread as once again it's gotten off topic and the intent has been lost.

Edited May 7, 2014 by Babolat

[William]

As the topic appears valid, and in accord with the widely announced policies regarding topic deletion requests, we'll close this thread. Thanks for your participation.

Edited May 7, 2014 by William
Added link to announcement