gettingstronger Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I have read on several threads that many WS had parents that were also WS- I know the research shows the link- what I am interested in is-how many of your WS ended up in an A with someone "just like their Mother (or Father too, I guess) My MIL has a tendency to re-write her history and spin the past in her favor despite her own actions. She is a chronic liar and serial cheater. My husband always disliked this about her, yet these are some of the main traits our OW has. It blows my mind that he became involved with someone so much like his Mom. I recall one of my first reactions was "really, you allowed another generation of this crap to invade your life?" So- was your WS choice of AP similar to their parent-why do you believe this happens?
dichotomy Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Genetics or environment - the old debate My WW is not like her mom at all who is a very modest straight arrow. Inherently (genetically I suppose) she is more like her grandmother (mother's mother) at her core. Strong willed, march to her own drummer, but also "stick to it" commitments to her family. However after the death of her father, she fell into a pattern of behaving or seeking out (environment) her cheating father which included numerous casual encounters, and involvement with married men. This acting out or coping lasted several years. Parents and family can have an affect on children - whether inherited or environment. 3
notserene Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 My WH had a dad who was also a WH...Dad eventually married his (final?) OW. WH's mom is an alcoholic and a general trainwreck even in her (relative) old ago. She didn't cheat on his dad as far as he knows. They had a very tumultuous marriage. He thinks his dad cheated on her other times. The woman that he left her for is actually a pretty level-headed person. Their relationship just began under a cloud. My H was not happy for his dad...he was furious that his parents had split up. We were having marital problems and my H decided to cheat on me with...an emotionally unstable, allegedly recovering drug addict. She was emotionally needy from the get go and went ballistic when he ended it. I find a couple of things to be strange...one is the cheating when you know what kind of effect it can have on a family...the other is the attraction to basket cases...but apparently both things are very common. 3
RightThere Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 My WW also had a mother who was involved in an affair. Her mother left her husband for her OM, the married, and she's lived miserably ever after. There actually was/is a fair amount of infidelity on my WW's side. Some worked things out, and some not so much. No infidelity (that I know of) on my side of the family. Probably why it was such a huge shocker to me and why my side of the family does not support any kind of reconciliation. 2
TheWalkingMan Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I would hope not, a proper mother would never put her family in jeaopordy just for some sex, that is selfish, so I would hope they do not learn it from their mothers. 1
SolG Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Funny, but MM and I were talking about this topic earlier today. He and his father are close (now) and very similar. Both leaders in their respective fields. Both chose demanding professions in male dominated industries that require long hours. and substantial travel and time away. And both chose wives that are traditional homemakers and very tolerant of the demands of their respective husbands' careers. Despite their similarities, W and MIL don't really get on; which I guess is often the way! MM is sure that his father cheated on a casual basis back in the day; no proof, just gut feeling. It was certainly very well known as common amongst his peers. And of course, MM has been with me for almost four years. I don't believe I as the AP am like either of MM's parents. But he is definitely very much like his dad.
yellowmaverick Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 My WH's father is a serial cheater. He almost left my MIL for his last one. My FIL is an a** in every sense - egotistical, overbenefitted, spoiled. I couldn't stand him from the day I met him (and the fact that he groped me once on a family vacation just sealed my disgust). My WH knew that I was completely disgusted with his father's cheating, rugsweeping and unremorsefulness. Yet, my WH cheated and WAS COMPLETELY SURPRISED THAT I WAS SO HURT AND ANGRY. My first words to my my MIL after I discovered the affair were, "like father, like son". My WH always said that he never wanted to be like his father, yet he is just like him. I hope to God that I am teaching my own sons differently. 2
TheWalkingMan Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 People always forget that when children are involved not only are you betraying your spouse in every way, but also your children. They are a part of this too. 1
Buckeye2 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Like mother, like daughter: Women are more likely to cheat on their husbands if their mothers were unfaithful too Women more likely to cheat if their mothers were unfaithful too | Mail Online
TheWalkingMan Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 This is why I feel the kids should ALWAYS be told the reason for the split sooner or later. At least when they are old enough to handle it. They need to understand that this kind of behavior is completely unacceptable and that people in love do not do this. They also have a right to know who is responsible for destroying the family.
RightThere Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I hope to God that I am teaching my own sons differently. My greatest fear right now as well. I have a young daughter and I don't know how to make sure she doesn't because the third generation to cheat. I know both my MIL and WW both had very absent fathers (loads of daddy issues). I've made sure my daughter knows how a girl should be treated. Just hoping that is enough to end the negative cycle.
snappytomcat Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I love my father in law hes a very nice man,and my husband has many of his great traits,but I guess he also inherited,a very bad one,and that's cheating,my fil cheated on my mil,and left my mil for the ow,and he and the ow have been together for 45 years. but he told me,and my husband that he felt he did the right thing,when he got my mil pregnant,he married her,but never stopped loving the ow,as he,and the ow grew up together,so eventually they reconnected,and started an arrair,and both left their spouses to be together. my husband always told me,that he never respected his dad growing up,cause he hated cheaters,and then he also became one
RightThere Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 People always forget that when children are involved not only are you betraying your spouse in every way, but also your children. They are a part of this too. So true, but most WS do not look past the ends of their nose as to who is important in their lives. They often say they would do anything for their kids, but jump at the first opportunity to pawn them off to a babysitter so they can go be with their OM/OW. Although it's a cheesy movie, I always remember a line from "Cliffhanger" when the bad guy was just about to off the only other person who could fly the helicopter. "Do you know what real love is?" "Sacrifice"
janedoe67 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Neither of my parents cheated and they have been married over 50 years. Go figure.
RightThere Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 my husband always told me,that he never respected his dad growing up,cause he hated cheaters,and then he also became one That is something I never understand. I know lots of people that end up going both ways with stuff like this. Some grow up with terrible fathers and vow to become the best fathers ever. And they do. Others say the same thing but follow in their father's footsteps. The second case is always so much sadder because they should know better.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 (edited) We siblings are very certain my mother had an affair. My dad would drag my brother around looking for her in the middle of the night. Those are very dark years for my siblings and I and we have just begun to tackle it in our time together the last few years. One of my brothers definitely has been looking for a mother figure in all of his relationships. His current 10 year one is ending (she is 10 years old) - it's a mess. After that, my dad had an affair or two - they eventually divorced. My sister had an affair and her marriage ended about 10 years ago - she has been in and out of relationships - she is sad and lonely. And recently was in a relationship with a guy that didn't tell her HE was already in a relationship - the girlfriend called her unexpectedly a few weeks ago. I obviously had an affair (if you read my story). My xmom's dad was an alcoholic and had an affair. I believe that he told me his dad's nickname was "suitcase" - go figure. He said he wasn't completely sure, but those were the rumors around town. My husband had an affair a year or so after my affair. As far as I know his parents never had affairs. His mom for certain not. His dad was in the service for a few years, so who knows? Anyway - they have been married 65 years. So to our knowledge they have been faithful to each other. So why did my husband cheat? Some would say because I did it first - who knows? His oldest brother has been married 3 times- affairs? I'm sure there were. Another brother divorced - his wife had an affair and left him. He is now remarried. Affairs know no boundaries - it can happen to anyone. It happens to people who are broken. I do worry for my kids. I hope that by being honest with them that they will be able to look at us for who we are - human beings who have made some mistakes but are trying their best to reconcile. But because my situation was so public, they have been traumatized in a way that has taken our family much longer to heal. It has been a tough path. Our 35th wedding anniversary is coming up next year - I have often thought about having a nice family photo taken with a caption that says something like "We're still here - and we are strong and not broken" I don't know - I have a year to think about it Edited May 7, 2014 by lilmisscantbewrong
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 That is something I never understand. I know lots of people that end up going both ways with stuff like this. Some grow up with terrible fathers and vow to become the best fathers ever. And they do. Others say the same thing but follow in their father's footsteps. The second case is always so much sadder because they should know better. See my comments above - this is the thing. It really has to do with the individual. Even if you abhor what your parents did (I certainly did), it doesn't mean you can't fall into that same trap. It is unfortunate - it really is. Obviously infidelity has been around a very long time, but I believe our society is ripe for it more today than even 30 - 40 years ago. Social media has "helped" it - people are reconnecting with old lovers at rapid rates. I know several in our own hometown that have had affairs with old high school sweet hearts. For all of the good social media can do, I think it is far more damaging. IMHO.
snappytomcat Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 That is something I never understand. I know lots of people that end up going both ways with stuff like this. Some grow up with terrible fathers and vow to become the best fathers ever. And they do. Others say the same thing but follow in their father's footsteps. The second case is always so much sadder because they should know better. I don't understand it either,and he hates himself for doing it too.
janedoe67 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 That is something I never understand. I know lots of people that end up going both ways with stuff like this. Some grow up with terrible fathers and vow to become the best fathers ever. And they do. Others say the same thing but follow in their father's footsteps. The second case is always so much sadder because they should know better. It makes perfect sense to me. You couple that hatred with enough arrogance and self-righteousness, and the person is an affair waiting to happen...PRIDE goes before the fall.
jnel921 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I don't believe that theory. cheating is a choice. A bad one. Just like growing up a witness to other dysfunctions in the home. Repeating the behavior doesn't help you or your marriage.
TheWalkingMan Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 I don't believe that theory. cheating is a choice. A bad one. This is what it comes down to, right? We aren't animals. We do have instincts, but we have the ability to ignore them as well and that is what separates us. Cheating is always a choice and never anything else.
veritas lux mea Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 I am not a fan of therapy and all that. I am sure some do good but many therapists do so much harm. And don't get me started on FOO. Or other hot of the press fads. When you become and adult you make your own choices, plain and simple. You can either be shaped by the bad things that face you are terrible parents or you can choose a different path and rise above the stink. I think people need to be really picky when choosig their therapists for that reason. Is he/she helping you see where you are making negative decisions or is mommy and daddy still being blamed. My xMM whined all the time about his poor childhood and how it messed him up for life. He was a middle aged man who still didn't take responsibility for his adult years. My parents are good, honest people. As far as I know they neither one has cheated. I did find out as an adult my grandmother who passed away was an sort of an OW before she married my grandfather. But he was actually living with her while trying to divorce his wife. I really don't think their decisions had much to do with mine.
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