snappytomcat Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 first thank you all who responded to my predatory thread,with understanding and kindness,especially the ow/or xow. before I met my husband I was with a real jerk,he was 28,and I was 16,i was flattered by an older man giving me attention,and we were both addicted to drugs,he gave me all the heroine I wanted,throughout our relationship,he would beat me,burn me with cigarettes,stomp my self esteem into the ground,i was with him for a few years,and the reason I wouldn't leave him,is really cause he threatened my family,and pets,and at that point I didn't care what he did to me,i just couldn't bear him hurting,myfamily member,or a beloved pet. but one day I finally said enough is enough,and left him,but not before I became pregnant with his child,and I was a single mom for about a year,and went to ic throughout,to help me with what this jerk did to me,and I went to rehab before I found out I was pregnant. then one day I met the man who would become my husband,he accepted me,and loved me,and supported me,with all my baggage I had,and stood by me,even adopted my daughter,and has treated her as his own her whole life,and adopting her didn't come easy for him,cause her biological father was making it difficult,but hes doing life in prison.thats how he came to win the petition to adopt. when we have only been together for about 18 months,i relapsed and went on a bender for about 4 months,and went back to rehab for 8 weeks,i have been clean for over 20 years,and its still is hard at times,especially during difficult times,like on dday I was so tempted,but didn't and im glad I didn't,but my husband supported me,visited me in rehab,always protected me,we have always been best friends. he has supported me in anything ive wanted to do. so yes on dday it was hard,i didn't want to work on our marriage,he begged,and begged but I had already thought no way,i would never forgive a cheater,never,but with mc we have worked on our marriage,yes he f*cked up roayaly,he knows this too,but hes also been there for me through a lot,and has loved me unconditionaly,and through the loss of my beloved grandparents,and mom,within a short span,he was there he cried with me when I lost them. forgiving the man who betrayed me was not easy it was harder than kicking my drug habit it was harder than kicking my smoking habit it was harder than child birth it was harder than a death of a loved one im a person whos tough,i grew up on the streets,and I can handle physical pain,but emotional pain,is like a knife in my heart. my husband knows he caused this pain,and hes paying for it,but I also cant keep punishing him daily,we still have to deal with xow,but we are doing it together.he knows hes hurt me,and says he will spend the rest of his days making it up to me,even if we aren't together,hes a very good man,this is why I have stayed with a cheater 9
Author snappytomcat Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 If he loved you unconditionally then..why did he cheat on you? I'm not even sure what else there is to say. I will say this: the past history of a couple is not the reason cheating should be forgiven. It is the reason cheating should NEVER happen in the first place. If all that wasn't enough to stop them from cheating, nothing will. I see a lot of people go down the road to forgiving cheaters with things like "I will not think about the one bad thing they did, but all the good things they did". Which is fine on paper, but all those good things should of been the glue that held you together and prevented you from seeking other people. That is just the way I see it. You stayed with your cheating husband and are happy? Well, okay, more power to you I suppose. spectre I feel sorry for you,dont you believe in forgivness?and guess what I don't give a rats ass what you say,you sit here on crap on everyone pouring their hearts out,only cold hearted people think like you. do you forgive your children if they do something to hurt you or make you mad? yes I can choose to live like you with negativity,but I choose not to 5
AmyBamy Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Sorry that you thought I was being insensitive in the other thread. It wasn't about you or your husband, and I hope that the two of you are able to sort through everything and come out stronger on the other side. I was simply commenting on the counselor wasting time with conjecture about why someone not involved in the sessions did things that they did. If it helps you, that's fine, but it's not really counseling you and your husband on your stuff it's simply gossiping about the other person and trying to guess why she did what she did or is doing what she does. Let me end with saying that I am truly sorry if my post upset you. I really do wish you the best. And I hope that the former OW gets her crap together and backs off since that is obviously what you and your husband both want. And you are exactly right, she has absolutely no right to take anything up with you or your children, and barely any reason to take anything up with your husband at this point. All the best to you. 3
Author snappytomcat Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 Yes, because saying people shouldn't stay with a cheater equates to me not believing in forgiveness as a thing at all. Does that line of thought actually make sense to you? I never said I don't believe in it. I believe in forgiveness. I also believe there are certain lines you just do not cross. I'm also not sure why you are comparing a kid misbehaving to my spouse utterly betraying me in every way imaginable. We are talking apples and oranges here. I'd forgive a kid..because..you know, the whole "they are a child" thing gives them an excuse. What excuse do adults have to behave this way? everything you post says you don't believe in it,im sorry about what your spouse did to you,an the excuse adults have is no one is perfect,everyone sins,i sin you sin,everyone does,i think that everyone deserves a second chance a ws,an ow/om and if you don't that's fine,you made your point I don't need to hear your point no more 3
Author snappytomcat Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 But I do truly believe in forgiveness if it is deserved. I really do. As for second chances, I believe people deserve those too..depending on the situation. I think you can agree, yes, that in certain things..a second chance is not warranted? I am not talking about matters of love, but life in general. If I shoot a person in the face tomorrow, I will probably end up in jail, right? I won't get a "second chance". I am not saying cheating is severe as that, merely just pointing out that sometimes..you only get one chance and if you mess it up..you mess it up for good. I will never say I am 100% right about anything, if you feel a person deserves a second chance then give it to them. I'm just saying I do not feel it is something that is automatic. ok then just respect me on this that I can forgive my husband,period end of story,please stop bullying people,i get your point you cant,but I can so move on from here,im not the first person whos asked you to back off,because you come in guns blazing,and your opinions are quite suffocating,i get it,and yes he gets one chance if he does it again f*ck him,now that's where I stand please respect my thread I get where your coming from I don't agree with it,but please enough 6
ladydesigner Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 If he loved you unconditionally then..why did he cheat on you? I'm not even sure what else there is to say. I will say this: the past history of a couple is not the reason cheating should be forgiven. It is the reason cheating should NEVER happen in the first place. If all that wasn't enough to stop them from cheating, nothing will. I see a lot of people go down the road to forgiving cheaters with things like "I will not think about the one bad thing they did, but all the good things they did". Which is fine on paper, but all those good things should of been the glue that held you together and prevented you from seeking other people. That is just the way I see it. You stayed with your cheating husband and are happy? Well, okay, more power to you I suppose. I am genuinely happy for you, these things usually end in heart break. I just do not want others to read this post and get the wrong idea, because the way your husband treated you is not the way a person treats their loved ones. I wouldn't want anyone out there thinking this behavior is right or to be expected, etc. I believe the WS doesn't even love themselves. I know my WH didn't and still has trouble with it. I do not believe the whole ,"If they loved you they would have never cheated." Reconciliation can be very beneficial if the WS is putting in the work and effort needed for the BS to heal. 4
Author snappytomcat Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 I believe the WS doesn't even love themselves. I know my WH didn't and still has trouble with it. I do not believe the whole ,"If they loved you they would have never cheated." Reconciliation can be very beneficial if the WS is putting in the work and effort needed for the BS to heal. mine said he hated himself to the core 4
frogss29 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Perhaps those BS who have had a hard/troubled life are more forgiving and willing to give second chances because we have had second chances in life? Snappytomcat, I am happy for you 6
veritas lux mea Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 (edited) Hi snappy, I don't know if you know my back story but I had an affair. And I did love my husband. But I was broken and instead of being strong I was weak. It isn't a very admirable thing and I am not proud of it. Because of how broken I was I became so selfish my love got twisted up. But it is untwisted now and we are doing really well. I don't think cheaters deserve a second chance but if a BS decides to give it then I think they should work to be worthy of it. Sounds like your H is doing the real work. I hope you will get to the place where you no longer feel defensive of your choice. I know my husband comments on the occasional post. He calls those that belittle others for choosing reconciliation weak. In real life he just laughs and tells people if he is happy why do they want to make him miserable? Stay strong! Just saw you are one of the people who know my story. Edited May 6, 2014 by veritas lux mea 4
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 spectre I feel sorry for you,dont you believe in forgivness?and guess what I don't give a rats ass what you say,you sit here on crap on everyone pouring their hearts out,only cold hearted people think like you. do you forgive your children if they do something to hurt you or make you mad? yes I can choose to live like you with negativity,but I choose not to Great reply. People deserve second chances, especially if they are remorseful and own their sh.t, why not give him/her the opportunity to make things better? Throw in kids and a long history with families entwined, and if the love is still there, why not? It takes courage, strength and a forgiving and loving heart to take back a cheater. Wish you the best Snappy. 6
waterwoman Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Good luck snappy x FWIW I agree that it's valid to weigh the sum of a WS's life against their cheating. In the end you must do what seems the best outcome for you - if the pros outweigh the cons then it can be absolutely the right thing to do. 2
janedoe67 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 snappy, you do not owe anyone an explanation. Some people can weather infidelity and recover the marriage and some cannot. And neither should be ashamed. The only ones who should be ashamed are those who have chosen to stay stuck, bitter, and who consider it their duty to project and spew venom because of their own refusal to grow. I wish you luck in rebuilding your marriage. Like I said, many who think a WS can never grow beyond infidelity think that because they are incapable of growing beyond it themselves. 9
notserene Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Please don't feel like you need to apologize or explain yourself to anyone. It's your decision. I can understand the people who say they couldn't stay with a cheater under any circumstances, but that is their choice. It's not like there is a "right" or "wrong" answer to that question. 4
violet1 Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 What a wonderful post. From reading your posts, you seem like such an amazing woman. I appreciate the support you've given me on my threads. I'm happy that your R is going well. Reading these types of stories gives me hope. You don't have to explain to anyone why you've chosen to say. There's no right or wrong when it comes to R or D. Reconciliation doesn't mean the WS is getting away with it or that the BS is weak or afraid of being alone. You know I've struggled with it, but you have to ignore the negativity on this forum. Don't let anything discourage you from doing what feels right in your heart. 2
TheWalkingMan Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 It is nice you found it within yourself to forgive. I would of kicked the cheater to the curb for disrespecting me in such a way and showing me how much they did not love me. I need to know someone cares and cheating is just a slap in the face to that, but to each there own.
Fluttershy Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 It is nice you found it within yourself to forgive. I would of kicked the cheater to the curb for disrespecting me in such a way and showing me how much they did not love me. I need to know someone cares and cheating is just a slap in the face to that, but to each there own. Spectre, you have made your point clear... Maybe it is time for you to move on? 2
AlwaysGrowing Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Sorry that you thought I was being insensitive in the other thread. It wasn't about you or your husband, and I hope that the two of you are able to sort through everything and come out stronger on the other side. I was simply commenting on the counselor wasting time with conjecture about why someone not involved in the sessions did things that they did. If it helps you, that's fine, but it's not really counseling you and your husband on your stuff it's simply gossiping about the other person and trying to guess why she did what she did or is doing what she does. Let me end with saying that I am truly sorry if my post upset you. I really do wish you the best. And I hope that the former OW gets her crap together and backs off since that is obviously what you and your husband both want. And you are exactly right, she has absolutely no right to take anything up with you or your children, and barely any reason to take anything up with your husband at this point. All the best to you. For clarity an AP has no reason/right to take anything up with the MM/MW after they have been told do not contact me. APs do not have carte blanche nor have special privileges in the eyes of the law. Harassment is harassment. I think Jane nailed it when she said that those incapable of forgiveness do not believe it exists for others. I do not need anyone to tell me that people can not change and grow.....as I am my own living proof of the power we possess internally.....and frankly....some people are scared of that because they are doubtful of their own capacities. 1
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