stephy567 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I often see on here that when a person posts about a problem they are having with their girlfriend/wife or boyfriend/husband, everyone always asks "have you talked to them about it?" I feel that my marriage (divorced now almost 2 years) fell apart in part due to my inability to communicate/tell my ex what was on my mind/bothering me (partly because he had a temper and I was afraid). So, now in order to fix this, I find that when trying to decide whether to share something that's on my mind with my boyfriend, I err on the side of "just go ahead and tell him, better that than to bottle it up." However, I find that it's almost all or nothing with me. I don't know how to pick and choose...or rather maybe I don't know yet since I'm working on bettering my aversion to sharing/discussing. I'm wondering what other people think? Is it ok/good to share whenever something is bothering you? Or does too much sharing drive the other person away (because it's annoying)? I'm thinking, better to share and if it does drive them away, they weren't right for you anyway?
Author stephy567 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 What is the point of being with someone if you can't be yourself and share your life, feelings, emotions, etc. with them? This is a very good point. I didn't share a lot of what was on my mind with my ex husband because I was afraid he would get upset/angry (which was a legitimate fear because he did have a temper). I guess with my current boyfriend, I'm not afraid he'll get upset per se, but I am afraid if I tell him things that are bothering me, he'll be annoyed (think I'm too emotional, etc), but this is just a fear I have....he hasn't actually reacted this way yet. Obviously I have some issues to work on and I'm trying to.
Sunfire73 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Good topic. For me, I weigh the issue first, if it bothers me so much, I will tell him. I will also ask myself, what good would this do if I bring it up. I am usually not a 'drama person' and I let little things go. If it is just some little unfounded anxiety/insecurity for me that I have to address, I handle it myself. I 'might' mention in a casual conversation, but not in a serious setting. That is just to let him understand that I do have these feelings sometimes and I just want to be heard, because I am human with human emotions, but it is not something that he needs to take action. Just for him to support and listen is enough. 1
Gaeta Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 This is a very good point. I didn't share a lot of what was on my mind with my ex husband because I was afraid he would get upset/angry (which was a legitimate fear because he did have a temper). I guess with my current boyfriend, I'm not afraid he'll get upset per se, but I am afraid if I tell him things that are bothering me, he'll be annoyed (think I'm too emotional, etc), but this is just a fear I have....he hasn't actually reacted this way yet. Obviously I have some issues to work on and I'm trying to. Can you give us an example of something you fear sharing with him? So lets say you share something with him and he gets annoyed.....then what? If you are in a good stable relationship you and your bf can get mad, sad, annoyed, frustrated on occasion and know it won't damage your relationship because it's part of being human and being in a relationship.
Author stephy567 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 (edited) About a month ago I posted on here about a positive pregnancy test I had (this was with the same guy I'm still with now). Obviously, we've had to deal with some serious issue(s) early on (we've just been dating since January). Since that issue, I've started back on birth control pills (Took pills years ago but stopped after having my daughter....which was with my ex husband when we were still married. Didn't take pills after the divorce while I wasn't dating. Then started dating again and wanted to take pills, but didn't have insurance). I've been taking the pills for two weeks and I feel like they're making me crazy/emotional. The latest thing I shared with him today is that I suspect that my emotional behavior over the past couple weeks may be due to the pills. What I mean by emotional behavior is that I feel that the pills are making me emotionally needy and insecure about his feelings for me. So, I share this with him today and I'm afraid that my behavior lately plus the fact that I'm bringing it up to discuss it today will all be too much for him and he'll just say "I don't want to deal with this crazy girl." I used to take a different kind of pill before and it didn't have this effect on me. I've asked the doctor about switching but he said give it some more time for my body to get used to this pill and it should stop having this effect on me. Edited May 6, 2014 by stephy567
torturedartist Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I often see on here that when a person posts about a problem they are having with their girlfriend/wife or boyfriend/husband, everyone always asks "have you talked to them about it?" I feel that my marriage (divorced now almost 2 years) fell apart in part due to my inability to communicate/tell my ex what was on my mind/bothering me (partly because he had a temper and I was afraid). So, now in order to fix this, I find that when trying to decide whether to share something that's on my mind with my boyfriend, I err on the side of "just go ahead and tell him, better that than to bottle it up." However, I find that it's almost all or nothing with me. I don't know how to pick and choose...or rather maybe I don't know yet since I'm working on bettering my aversion to sharing/discussing. I'm wondering what other people think? Is it ok/good to share whenever something is bothering you? Or does too much sharing drive the other person away (because it's annoying)? I'm thinking, better to share and if it does drive them away, they weren't right for you anyway? You don't just "share" with someone. You communicate with them. A lack of good communication skills has resulted in tremendous pain and suffering throughout human history (causing love-struck teenagers to commit suicide and even starting wars). It's undoubtedly been the cause of countless breakups and divorces. Good communication requires effort and proper technique on the part of both parties involved. My suggestion to you is to do some research on communication. Spend a good while learning how to become a better communicator. Then use your new-and-improved communication skills to try and persuade anyone you're in a relationship with to become a better communicator as well. Chances are that they won't. Even still, the fact that you're a better communicator, due to the time and effort you put into learning the art of communication, will make your communication much more productive.
Gaeta Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 About a month ago I posted on here about a positive pregnancy test I had (this was with the same guy I'm still with now). Obviously, we've had to deal with some serious issue(s) early on (we've just been dating since January). Since that issue, I've started back on birth control pills (Took pills years ago but stopped after having my daughter....which was with my ex husband when we were still married. Didn't take pills after the divorce while I wasn't dating. Then started dating again and wanted to take pills, but didn't have insurance). I've been taking the pills for two weeks and I feel like they're making me crazy/emotional. The latest thing I shared with him today is that I suspect that my emotional behavior over the past couple weeks may be due to the pills. What I mean by emotional behavior is that I feel that the pills are making me emotionally needy and insecure about his feelings for me. So, I share this with him today and I'm afraid that my behavior lately plus the fact that I'm bringing it up to discuss it today will all be too much for him and he'll just say "I don't want to deal with this crazy girl." I used to take a different kind of pill before and it didn't have this effect on me. I've asked the doctor about switching but he said give it some more time for my body to get used to this pill and it should stop having this effect on me. I don't think there is any drama in telling your guy that you don't feel yourself since you started on the pill. A change in hormones does that to us it's well known. It does take a while to get used to a new pill so better tell him. My doctor put me on BC pill last year only for a short time and the first month I was an emotional wreck and nothing special was happening in my life. I would cry watching commercials. Also, if you are having a hard time with terminating the the pregnancy I really suggest you seek someone to speak with.
Author stephy567 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 I don't think there is any drama in telling your guy that you don't feel yourself since you started on the pill. A change in hormones does that to us it's well known. It does take a while to get used to a new pill so better tell him. My doctor put me on BC pill last year only for a short time and the first month I was an emotional wreck and nothing special was happening in my life. I would cry watching commercials. Also, if you are having a hard time with terminating the the pregnancy I really suggest you seek someone to speak with. Yes, I hate that I just have to wait it out and see if the hormones stop doing this to me. I don't think it's related to any negative feelings I have about terminating the pregnancy. I basically told my guy today that for the past couple of weeks I've been feeling really insecure and feeling/worrying that he has been less sweet/affectionate with me (maybe he really has been? Or maybe I just think that because I'm an emotional wreck?) because he likes me less or is less excited about us. I said that I've been feeling this way, but that it seems to me that it's due to the pill because it started right when I started taking this pill. I asked him to call me earlier today and we discussed a little on the phone, but because I felt like I didn't get everything I wanted to say out, I sent him an email (too much to text and didn't think another phone call would help....we also live about 45 miles from each other and both have kids, so seeing each other tonight is out of the question) and he hasn't responded yet. It's driving me nuts (obviously). I wanted to discuss this with him though because it's on my mind and generally I've been trying to follow a "if you are going to post on ls about it, you should talk to him about it" rule.
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