Commitment-phobes secret language revealed

[Phantom888]

My fiancee and I were having a discussion about men who are so afraid of commitment that they do whatever it takes to delay moving forward in the relationship. My fiancee was married to one of those men, and looking back, she wished she was able to read between the lines early on. I see a lot of women on this forum who are in unhappy relationships with commitment-phobic men who string them along. I can't bear to see so many great women dating such losers, so I would like to share my insights so that these women can be freed up to date truly quality men.

 

After dating for a decent length of time 1-2+ years, when you bring up the idea of a future together (moving in, marriage, family, joint assets, etc), here are what his reactions truly mean:

 

reluctant = no, never gonna happen

maybe = no, never gonna happen

no, and then yes = no, never gonna happen

yes, but drags his feet = no, never gonna happen

 

If a man really wants to be with you, he would jump at the opportunity to lock you down. Giving an ultimatum makes things WORSE! If a man doesn't want to be with you, forcing him will make him resent you, even if he reluctantly agrees with you. It's in our nature to behave badly when we are forced to do something that we don't want to do.

 

The reason why men are unsure about big commitments is because they are waiting for a better woman to come along, and then break up with you. This way, he still gets his companionship while he waits for someone more desirable than you. This is how these men think, so by reading between the lines, you can save yourself a lot of heartaches.

 

To all you players and commitment-phobic men out there, don't hate me for ruining your game. I have a soft spot for good women, and I get pissed when I see them get played. Peace.

[Bruce Leigh]

Amusing if anything.

[TXGuy]

My fiancee was married to one of those men, and looking back, she wished she was able read between the lines...

 

 

The reason why men are unsure about big commitments is because they are waiting for a better woman to come along, and then break up with you. This way, he still gets his companionship while he waits for someone more desirable than you. This is how these men think, so by reading between the lines, you can save yourself a lot of heartaches.

 

To all you players and commitment-phobic men out there, don't hate me for ruining your game. I have a soft spot for good women, and I get pissed when I see them get played. Peace.

 

Your fiancée got married to a commitmentphobe? Well, he wasn't that much of a commitment phobe if they got married.

 

The rest is probably not too far off the mark. It boils down to the woman is good enough to date (even exclusively), but not good enough or safe enough to marry. Given the state of domestic relations law in the western world, a guy has to be very careful before he makes such a commitment.

 

I'd also agree with the 2 year window. If a guy is not ready to get married after 2 years, he might not be willing to change his mind in the future. If a legally binding marriage is a woman's primary goal, then move on after two years with no engagement.

[slizl]

Sounds like the OP got burned pretty hard in the past. I think the problem is that women know from the beginning that their man is a commitment phobe, BUT they think they can change their man. They end up wasting years of their life on a man who will never change.

[torturedartist]

My fiancee and I were having a discussion about men who are so afraid of commitment that they do whatever it takes to delay moving forward in the relationship. My fiancee was married to one of those men, and looking back, she wished she was able to read between the lines early on. I see a lot of women on this forum who are in unhappy relationships with commitment-phobic men who string them along. I can't bear to see so many great women dating such losers, so I would like to share my insights so that these women can be freed up to date truly quality men.

 

After dating for a decent length of time 1-2+ years, when you bring up the idea of a future together (moving in, marriage, family, joint assets, etc), here are what his reactions truly mean:

 

reluctant = no, never gonna happen

maybe = no, never gonna happen

no, and then yes = no, never gonna happen

yes, but drags his feet = no, never gonna happen

 

If a man really wants to be with you, he would jump at the opportunity to lock you down. Giving an ultimatum makes things WORSE! If a man doesn't want to be with you, forcing him will make him resent you, even if he reluctantly agrees with you. It's in our nature to behave badly when we are forced to do something that we don't want to do.

 

The reason why men are unsure about big commitments is because they are waiting for a better woman to come along, and then break up with you. This way, he still gets his companionship while he waits for someone more desirable than you. This is how these men think, so by reading between the lines, you can save yourself a lot of heartaches.

 

To all you players and commitment-phobic men out there, don't hate me for ruining your game. I have a soft spot for good women, and I get pissed when I see them get played. Peace.

 

Marriage is about ownership and irreversible decisions (or decisions that are very painful to reverse, anyway).

 

Think about it. If you meet someone and know for certain you'll always love them and want to be with them, and they feel the same way, why do you need to get married? Why do need to publicly/officially state what you've already determined to be fact?

 

Of course, there are the obvious financial incentives for getting married, which should make marriage more of a business decision, and allow it be treated like a business (but it's not treated like a business).

 

It's the uncertainty of either/both parties involved, as far as their long-term commitment is concerned, that makes the idea of marriage appealing.

 

Take voles (small, mouse-like rodents). Some males are innately monogamous, and mate for life. Some don't. Neurobiologists have actually isolated a gene they believe to be responsible for the tendency of male voles to be monogamous or polygamous.

 

It's very arguable that genetics are responsible for the tendency of human males to want to mate for life, or not. And females, for that matter, are just about as likely to cheat, or break their vows as males.

 

So it seems that it's not a strong natural tendency for men or women to want to mate for life, yet we have this concept of "marriage" requiring people to do just that.

 

If we're going to be honest, marriage has caused far more pain and suffering than it has good throughout the ages(and not just for the husband and wife). Why? Because it goes against our nature.

 

I conclude by suggesting that anyone who's really big on the idea of getting find a partner equally big on the idea of getting married. Because their attitude about marriage has already been determined by their genes, and their environment, and is not going to change. If you think it will, you're in for an unpleasant surprise.

 

Amen.

[iris219]

After dating for a decent length of time 1-2+ years, when you bring up the idea of a future together (moving in, marriage, family, joint assets, etc), here are what his reactions truly mean:

 

reluctant = no, never gonna happen

maybe = no, never gonna happen

no, and then yes = no, never gonna happen

yes, but drags his feet = no, never gonna happen

 

 

Yep. I'll add to your list the following:

 

Maybe, but we should have separate rooms (said in a panicky voice)=never gonna happen

Yes, then he disappears and you NEVER hear from him again (yes, this happened to me)=never gonna happen

 

I dated a commitment phobe for years and I still feel stupid for staying. Forget what they say. Watch their actions. It's not hard to spot a commitment phobe. RUN when you figure it out.

[Phantom888]

Your fiancée got married to a commitmentphobe? Well, he wasn't that much of a commitment phobe if they got married.

 

 

She dated him since she was 16 and he was 20. By the time she graduated college (22), he didn't want to plan a future together. She gave him an ultimatum and he succumbed. Five year later, he didn't want to consider marriage, so she gave him an ultimatum again. That's how they got married. He left her when she told him she's pregnant. Can a man be any more cowardly?

[soccerrprp]

Sorry if I missed this, but another clear sign that someone is stringing you along.....

 

WHEN YOUR ENGAGEMENT lasts longer than 2-yrs! That is, almost always, a clear indication that the guy used engagement as a way to HOOK you. One excuse after another, sign after sign....he wasn't serious about marriage, but for a ride at your expense. Women, especially are so susceptible to such things. It shocks me that people who get engaged don't have a date or timeline in place.

 

If I were a user, I would get engaged and have it last for years, providing one excuse with another, until I got what I wanted or used up the relationship to my advantage. It seems to work, unfortunately, on so many women.

[Phantom888]

Marriage is about ownership and irreversible decisions (or decisions that are very painful to reverse, anyway).

 

I conclude by suggesting that anyone who's really big on the idea of getting find a partner equally big on the idea of getting married. Because their attitude about marriage has already been determined by their genes, and their environment, and is not going to change. If you think it will, you're in for an unpleasant surprise.

 

Amen.

 

I totally agree that marriage is NOT for everyone. If two people want to remain uncommitted, that's perfectly okay as long as they are on the same page. Deception is wrong. Most of these commitment-phobes already know early on about their next course of actions. Men know very quickly if the woman is relationship material for them.

[soccerrprp]

I totally agree that marriage is NOT for everyone. If two people want to remain uncommitted, that's perfectly okay as long as they are on the same page. Deception is wrong. Most of these commitment-phobes already know early on about their next course of actions. Men know very quickly if the woman is relationship material for them.

 

Agreed. So many women want more, but get swindled and frighteningly blinded by "love" and the countless "promises" of change that they allow themselves to be taken advantage of. I know some ladies who have been in this situation and I still shake my head as to how one could have allowed, in the face of so many signs and advice from other objective views, that they could continue being the victim.

 

I agree that commitment-phobes likely know what their next course of action is.

[InnocentMan]

Can you really know someone well enough in 2/3 years to decide to legally bind yourself to them? I would respectfully suggest that anyone that is desperate to get married in this period, is more enamoured with the idea of marriage, than they are with their chosen partner.

 

The idea that marriage=commitment is ludicrous in this day and age. I would even go as far as suggesting that people should be forced to live with each other for a minimum of 5 years before a legal marriage is allowed. The divorce rate would decline significantly, as would the marriage rate.

 

A lot of men are waking up to this sham, but conversely it doesn't in turn make them so called "commitment" phobes. The fact this thread was started by a man is bewildering to me.

[soccerrprp]

Can you really know someone well enough in 2/3 years to decide to legally bind yourself to them? I would respectfully suggest that anyone that is desperate to get married in this period, is more enamoured with the idea of marriage, than they are with their chosen partner.

 

The idea that marriage=commitment is ludicrous in this day and age. I would even go as far as suggesting that people should be forced to live with each other for a minimum of 5 years before a legal marriage is allowed. The divorce rate would decline significantly, as would the marriage rate.

 

A lot of men are waking up to this sham, but conversely it doesn't in turn make them so called "commitment" phobes. The fact this thread was started by a man is bewildering to me.

 

All due respect, I disagree. If you are ready to be engaged, you ought to be ready to marry. I think it's absurd that you would be in an engagement for 2+ years. The irresponsible and questionable thing is to ask someone to marry you and not be ready within a reasonable period of time to do so. In other words, don't ask if you are not ready.....NOW or in the NEAR future.

 

I just realized that I may not be clearer...I don't mean getting married within 2-years of a relationship, rather AFTER the engagement. Then again, I also believe it RISKY to be with someone 3+ years if a greater commitment has been expected and made clear. You don't need 3+ years to figure out if you want to be with someone or not. Heck, if you can't figure it out after 1+ years....sheesh.

Edited May 7, 2014 by soccerrprp

[InnocentMan]

All due respect, I disagree. If you are ready to be engaged, you ought to be ready to marry. I think it's absurd that you would be in an engagement for 2+ years. The irresponsible and questionable thing is to ask someone to marry you and not be ready within a reasonable period of time to do so. In other words, don't ask if you are not ready.....NOW or in the NEAR future.

 

 

It all falls under the umbrella of society forcing men to do things that they are mostly not ready for. Sometimes a man may agree to an engagement to buy time to get to know someone. If he hasn't taken the leap in 2 years or so, he probably doesn't want to do it. This can be for a million other reasons and not just because he is afraid of a commitment.

 

I don't really blame women for putting pressure on men. It's the way that society raises females that's to blame. A single un-married women over 30 is deemed a failure, and on the shelf. A single man over 30 can retain his full awesomeness. It's hardly a level playing field.

[soccerrprp]

It all falls under the umbrella of society forcing men to do things that they are mostly not ready for. Sometimes a man may agree to an engagement to buy time to get to know someone. If he hasn't taken the leap in 2 years or so, he probably doesn't want to do it. This can be for a million other reasons and not just because he is afraid of a commitment.

 

I don't really blame women for putting pressure on men. It's the way that society raises females that's to blame. A single women over 30 is deemed a failure, and on the shelf. A single man over 30 can retain his full awesomeness. It's hardly a level playing field.

 

InnocentMan, come on man. Get to know someone AFTER you ask them to marry you??? You should already know that someone by then. How insulting to think that someone would ask me to marry me to then use more YEARS to get to know me. Ugh. Yes, women should apply some pressure, but it's called a timeline. Don't get played or strung along by ambiguity.

[InnocentMan]

*In reply to your edit..

 

You think a year is long enough to know if you want to commit to something that has a lower than 50% chance of a happy conclusion? Sheesh indeed.

[InnocentMan]

InnocentMan, come on man. Get to know someone AFTER you ask them to marry you??? You should already know that someone by then. How insulting to think that someone would ask me to marry me to then use more YEARS to get to know me. Ugh. Yes, women should apply some pressure, but it's called a timeline. Don't get played or strung along by ambiguity.

 

You take no account of any pressure that the man may have been under since the relationship started. There's a large % of women that once they reach a certain age just want a ring on their finger. The partner is often an after-thought. Hence the ridiculously high divorce rate, and prevalence of women thinking they've been strung along. They, in effect, have strung themselves along.

[soccerrprp]

*In reply to your edit..

 

You think a year is long enough to know if you want to commit to something that has a lower than 50% chance of a happy conclusion? Sheesh indeed.

 

You didn't ready my posts carefully. I'm talking about AFTER the engagement. By that time you should have a very good feeling if it's worth it. And if stats are such a concern, then perhaps one should not consider upping the commitment at all. What a dour and depressing way to look at things. Take a couple of years to get to know one another....an honest effort. Ask to get married once you feel certain you want to be with her/him AND then do it sooner than later.

[InnocentMan]

You didn't ready my posts carefully. I'm talking about AFTER the engagement. By that time you should have a very good feeling if it's worth it.

 

Lots of men get coerced into engagement months, sometimes weeks within meeting a woman. I agree with you if they've been together a few years, and then gotten engaged, and the man still waits a further 2 years+. I still don't agree that it equates with a lack of commitment. It just means he doesn't want to get married.

[Gaeta]

Lots of men get coerced into engagement months, sometimes weeks within meeting a woman. I agree with you if they've been together a few years, and then gotten engaged, and the man still waits a further 2 years+. I still don't agree that it equates with a lack of commitment. It just means he doesn't want to get married.

 

Traditionally an engagement is a promise to get married with a year. You get engaged when you have dated enough to know you are ready to get married. The engagement period is not to get to know your bf-gf, the engagement is the period to prepare the marriage.

[iris219]

Most CPs aren't CPs.

 

You're just not the right person for them.

 

Disagree. A true commitment phobe will not commit to anyone.

 

My ex had never had a serious relationship before me and he hasn't had once since me, and he's perfectly happy alone. I am almost positive he will never marry or be in a serious relationship.

[FitChick]

If marriage is such a bad deal for men, I wonder why it is that divorced and widowed men remarry at a much higher rate than women? Studies have shown that married men are happier and healthier and live longer than single men. Financially it may not be as good for men but that is when there are children involved. Get a vasectomy.

[MrNate 2.0]

My fiancee and I were having a discussion about men who are so afraid of commitment that they do whatever it takes to delay moving forward in the relationship. My fiancee was married to one of those men, and looking back, she wished she was able to read between the lines early on. I see a lot of women on this forum who are in unhappy relationships with commitment-phobic men who string them along. I can't bear to see so many great women dating such losers, so I would like to share my insights so that these women can be freed up to date truly quality men.

 

After dating for a decent length of time 1-2+ years, when you bring up the idea of a future together (moving in, marriage, family, joint assets, etc), here are what his reactions truly mean:

 

reluctant = no, never gonna happen

maybe = no, never gonna happen

no, and then yes = no, never gonna happen

yes, but drags his feet = no, never gonna happen

 

If a man really wants to be with you, he would jump at the opportunity to lock you down. Giving an ultimatum makes things WORSE! If a man doesn't want to be with you, forcing him will make him resent you, even if he reluctantly agrees with you. It's in our nature to behave badly when we are forced to do something that we don't want to do.

 

The reason why men are unsure about big commitments is because they are waiting for a better woman to come along, and then break up with you. This way, he still gets his companionship while he waits for someone more desirable than you. This is how these men think, so by reading between the lines, you can save yourself a lot of heartaches.

 

To all you players and commitment-phobic men out there, don't hate me for ruining your game. I have a soft spot for good women, and I get pissed when I see them get played. Peace.

 

That's nice, but all commitment-phobic men don't hate you or your game.

 

There's plenty of us who don't play games, and are honest with women and not stringing them along.

[ltjg45]

Lots of men get coerced into engagement months, sometimes weeks within meeting a woman.

 

Well, then, those "men" are idiots.

 

It is as simple as that. If a man is so weak that he will bow to a woman's demands months after they met, then he deserves any punishment that comes his way.

[iiiii]

If a man really wants to be with you, he would jump at the opportunity to lock you down.

 

This is true in my experience.

 

It's happened to a couple of girls I know - the guy doesn't commit and drags his feet, but then the very next relationship *poof* he's suddenly gotten married.

 

Maybe girls do it to guys too, I don't know.

 

All I know is that if a guy's not talking marriage or at least long term life plans within a year or two of starting to date you, then it's usually a heads up that you're not the long term girl. You're the good-enough-for-now girl.

[crederer]

I pretty much disagree with this entire post, OP.

 

I had a girlfriend one time pushing really hard to move in with her, then get married. I take marriage seriously, it's not one of those "oh jeeze we've been together for 3 years and I love you so we'll get married" type of things for me.

 

Anyway she was pushing really hard and giving me ultimatums, which made me ever more reluctant, and according to her I was dragging my feet and making excuses. I just wasn't ready to get married. Simple as that. I wasn't looking for another girl or anything. At the time I envisioned being with her the rest of my life. But that doesn't mean I'm going to marry her just because she demanded it.