loveandbeloved Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 (edited) Hey everyone! so I am really in need of some advice here... I know this is long but please hear me out I could really use your insight. It might be so simple but to me I may see It more complex than it is. My long distance boyfriend of 1 year and I have decided to move in together. He lives in Arizona and I live in California with my daughter, and his son is also in California. We have a very loving relationship, a deep and unique connection and I know I can see myself with him for the rest of my life. Moving up here is the best thing for my daughter and I and we both really want it. His last relationship with his sons mother didn't go well & the living experience it was awful for him. They didn't break up long before we were together, and I'm supposed to be moving toward the end of this month & things are getting difficult between us. My daughter and I have been out here for a few weeks with his son as well, & last night was supposed to be our last night together til I left to go home and take his son home. Every time I have brought up talking about moving in together he has pushed it away, and he also admits that. We were supposed to plan and we finally got around to it last night and it ended up into a huge all nighter argument and fight. He sounded so miserable and upset talking about it, and ended up finally letting it out how he was scared and started naming all these reasons of doubt about me moving In... he also said he knows more time won't do anything and he knows that we just need to do it already so that we know. I feel heartbroken because in my heart I really wanted us to have a good conversation about it since it is a big special step for us. But he can't give that to me because of his fear, which I can understand I'd be foolish to not feel that same fear for my daughter and I completely up rooting our life...but its terryfing to feel so un wanted and just have to know in my heart his intentions like I do, I want to feel the same happiness from him that I have. He does want me to, I know it...but it's so painful hearing so much doubt and I don't know what to do or how to react. He's at work and I'm here watching the kids and I will be leaving tomorrow, I didn't want to leave with us fighting like this with the things being said and having the next time we see each other be when I am moving here. is it normal for him to be so scared that he rather not talk about it and rather just do it? Am I expecting too much? I really don't know what to say to him because I'm so hurt. do I follow my heart and his heart and just make the move? I know that he scared and that he needs to see that it will work, I've proved him right all along and I know this is another situation where he needs me and he needs my love. I'm having Faith while he cannot just like he will do the same for me...and honestly I do feel really good about this move. Everything about it, there's just certain things with us and this doubt that scare me. One of the biggest problems is he says things very insensitively sometimes and he'll get angry if I tell him that it hurt my feelings and won't apologize til he feels like it, which stops me in my tracks to "push" (like he says) Because I know it's wrong and unfair for him to always react like that to me. He's too prideful and he knows this is an issue he needs to work on, that's how this whole situation and argument even begun. I am honestly a very good girlfriend to him, and he knows it. He tells me he couldn't have any reason at all to ever break up with me because he knows how good I am to him. I know whatever issues at him or I may have we can work on, & I know that we will and I really do feel like we will become even more one together than we already are. I'm just so lost and I need some advice. I'm sorry if what I wrote is too long and scrambled, I'm sure it is... I'm just speaking from the heart. I really am stuck and don't know what to do or say, so I would really love some thoughtful opinions. I guess I'm just putting everything out there because this is finally the big step. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and for your responses. Edited May 6, 2014 by loveandbeloved
d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I have always believed that going directly from an LDR to living together is a bad idea. When you are LDR, the time together is so precious that everything else gets put on hold & there's a surreal quality to the time together. RL requires laundry & bad moods & broken appliance etc. Therefore I think a transition of living in the same place but not under the same roof helps. I think if you came closer to him but didn't live with him that may ease some of fears & smooth the transition. 1
Author loveandbeloved Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 Yes that's definitely an idea but right now I honestly can't afford it. He's so helpful and loving with wanting to take care of us and help me get on my feet. And the issue is I need to find new work and if I don't end up moving here with him then I have to get a job back in California and I won't be able to come and spend this time with him anymore. I spend a few weeks at a time with him while I am doing side work, and the way we are together is exactly like we are living together. I know that if I end up working out there and we give it a couple of months waiting a little bit we are just going to fall apart and he knows it too. I mention to him before getting my own place when we first started talking about it and he told me know that wouldn't be happening, my daughter and him would be moving in with him. But maybe I should mention it?
Phantom888 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 You two have not spent enough time together, so moving in after 1 year is like moving in after 1 month of normal local dating? As stated above, bad idea. Here is what my fiancee learned about men, and I thoroughly agree: After dating for a decent length of time 1-2+ years, when you bring up the idea of a future together (moving in, marriage, etc), here are what his reactions truly mean: reluctant = no maybe = no no, and then yes = no yes, but drags his feet = no If a man really wants to be with you, he would jump at the opportunity to lock you down. The reason why men are unsure about big commitments is because they are waiting for a better woman to come along, and then break up with you. This way, he still gets his companionship while he waits for his perfect match.
d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 If you can't independently afford to move, don't move. If you get all the way there & break up you have no resources or support system to fall back on. 1
Hopeful30 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 If his fear is stronger than his desire to do it, then don't do it. It means that he doesn't want it that much. If he did, you wouldn't be having this problem. Don't you want to be with a man who WANTS to move in with you? Who will love the experience and be excited to have these discussions with you? Do you really want to be with a man who is scared to do these things to the point where you have to almost force it out of him? If you have to force someone to do something, then you're only making things worse for yourself. Almost like building a false hope for yourself. 1
Author loveandbeloved Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 Well actually we have spent a lot of time together. We don't have one of those long distance relationships where we only see each other once a month for a weekend. We are actually probably spend more time together then most couples because We make up for it staying together for a while. he did jump at the opportunity and knows that he would never want to lose me, that's why he really wants me to regardless of his bad experience that he had with his ex girlfriend. You two have not spent enough time together, so moving in after 1 year is like moving in after 1 month of normal local dating? As stated above, bad idea. Here is what my fiancee learned about men, and I thoroughly agree: After dating for a decent length of time 1-2+ years, when you bring up the idea of a future together (moving in, marriage, etc), here are what his reactions truly mean: reluctant = no maybe = no no, and then yes = no yes, but drags his feet = no If a man really wants to be with you, he would jump at the opportunity to lock you down. The reason why men are unsure about big commitments is because they are waiting for a better woman to come along, and then break up with you. This way, he still gets his companionship while he waits for his perfect match.
Author loveandbeloved Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 I really appreciate this point of view..Thank you for that, good food for thought! Sometimes I question that myself, but he really wants me to so that's why he tries to push aside his fear because in his heart he knows he wants it, he's just scared... and I know he wants to take the leap and keep me even if it means completely changing his life rather than lose me. In this case it makes me feel like his desires actually stronger than his fear. If his fear is stronger than his desire to do it, then don't do it. It means that he doesn't want it that much. If he did, you wouldn't be having this problem. Don't you want to be with a man who WANTS to move in with you? Who will love the experience and be excited to have these discussions with you? Do you really want to be with a man who is scared to do these things to the point where you have to almost force it out of him? If you have to force someone to do something, then you're only making things worse for yourself. Almost like building a false hope for yourself.
Hopeful30 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 (edited) In this case it makes me feel like his desires actually stronger than his fear. I just think you're making excuses for him because you really want this to happen. Edited May 6, 2014 by Hopeful30
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