Ex has a new girlfriend...

[SoonMyFriend]

You know where this is going.

 

My ex who dumped me in the summer has a new girlfriend. Just found out. Did what any insanely curious person does and creeped his Facebook profile.

 

He's changed his relationship status to in a relationship with her. This bothers me because he REFUSED over & over to be my Facebook friend, let alone publicly declare we were a couple on the social media site.

 

This guy dumped me because he claimed he doesn't have it in him to love anyone, that he is too selfish for a relationship, that he often times didn't want me around, and that he doesn't believe love exists and that he will never get married. (I wasn't pushing for those last two things, for the record).

 

And of course this girl is BEAUTIFUL. Like stunning.

 

So why does this hurt so much? Why do I feel like someone has just punched me? I know this guy is a horrible match for me, but I still feel like bawling my eyes out.

[Zahara]

So why does this hurt so much? Why do I feel like someone has just punched me? I know this guy is a horrible match for me, but I still feel like bawling my eyes out.

 

It hurts because you feel rejected. You feel inadequate and that what about YOU wasn't enough for him. It's normal that you feel this way and to go down that road of analyzing everything. He may be a horrible match for you and knowing it is one thing, but emotionally accepting it is another.

[FredJones80]

So why does this hurt so much? Why do I feel like someone has just punched me? I know this guy is a horrible match for me, but I still feel like bawling my eyes out.

 

He sounds like a jerk.

 

A real man would never treat you like that, you're worth so much more.

 

Be glad you're rid of this child.

[SoonMyFriend]

He was a jerk. We were together 8 months and he broke up with me over a text message. I practically had to beg him to come over to my apartment so I could talk to him face to face about the breakup. He often would ignore my text messages, or would shut me out when we were together. (There was one long weekend I spent the entire Saturday alone, messaging and trying to contact him, when he just didn't bother to charge his phone and didn't even give me a second thought).

 

Everything was great in the beginning of our relationship - but when our work schedules aligned and suddenly we had weekends off together he turned. Suddenly I was like a chore, a responsibility. We'd wake up together some mornings and he admitted during our breakup sometimes he just wished I wasn't there because he just wanted to be on his own. I was always going to his place (he stayed overnight at my place I think twice out of our entire relationship. The other times he'd go home, or we'd be at his place).

 

BUT it still is upsetting me. I guess I hate the idea that maybe for whatever reason he's changed for her. But couldn't put in the effort for me. Which in turn makes me feel as Zahara said, what about ME wasn't enough. What was wrong with me?

 

It just hurts, is all. Like I feel like a total chump and total loser.

[Zahara]

BUT it still is upsetting me. I guess I hate the idea that maybe for whatever reason he's changed for her. But couldn't put in the effort for me. Which in turn makes me feel as Zahara said, what about ME wasn't enough. What was wrong with me?

 

It just hurts, is all. Like I feel like a total chump and total loser.

 

Reading your history with him, I have a feeling he was the kind that doesn't want to commit so they keep you at a distance, just close enough for them to have you on their terms. The moment that distance and space closes up, they want out or it becomes uncomfortable for them. That's the kind of guy that was never in it to commit or have it in him to commit.

 

OP, not every man is going to find you compatible. Who knows, he may treat this new woman the same way. He could be in the thick of the honeymoon phase. Or maybe this woman, he finds compatible. It doesn't invalidate or devalue who you are. Who and what you are as a person will be best suited for someone that is compatible to you. Just because he didn't chose you, it doesn't define who you are. You were the same person before you met him, when you met him and as you are now. It's just that you both were not suited for each other.

[Chi townD]

DO NOT downgrade your self worth! Beautiful, stunning....what else? Chances are, she knows that she is beautiful and stunning and that probably makes her a major pain in the ass! I'm being totally honest with you here, I'm a guy and I'd rather be with the cute, girl next door rather than a super model.

 

 

And your Ex is an asshat that's afraid of commitment. He's not your problem anymore. You should do the new girl a favor and send her a sympathy card.

Edited May 6, 2014 by Chi townD

[Zapbasket]

I'm going to respectfully disagree with some of what Zahara says above. It's highly unlikely that someone who was a jerk in one relationship is going to make a rapid transformation into a great partner in the next relationship, especially when less than a year has transpired after the breakup of the first one.

 

Think about it: whenever we meet anyone--potential romantic partner, friend or new colleague--it is our own standard of conduct that determines how we treat the new person. A standard of conduct is a combination of moral sensibility, integrity, and behavioral habits. Behavioral habits are how we *tend* to behave, our sense of morals is how we believe we *should* behave, and our integrity is our internal governance that steers our behavioral habits in line with our sense of morals. EACH OF US *CHOOSES* how to behave toward the people in our lives. While it's true that some people bring out the best in us more than others, claiming that so-and-so MADE you act in such-and-such way is a huge cop-out and just plain bad character. "I acted like a jerk because SoonMyFriend elicited jerkiness from me"? No. Your ex acted like a jerk because that's where his character and current level of maturity lie. IT WAS NOT YOU WHO CREATED HIS BEHAVIOR, or who "failed" to "inspire" him to be a better boyfriend to you.

 

Count on it: if he's not already, he's going to be treating his new gf in the same way as he treated you. Yes, it's possible he could have had some tremendous epiphany between the time he broke up with you and the time he started up with this new woman, but a) that's what it would take--a tremendous epiphany and b) we each only need to look at our own lives to see that epiphanies are RARE and even when they do occur, cementing new behavioral habits in light of an epiphany is HARD WORK and doesn't happen because the person's girlfriend is beautiful or even because the person WANTS to.

 

So, in sum: what you got is pretty much what this new girl is getting. It might not be something you can spot on Facebook...but trust me: the Miller Lite he had on tap with you has not transformed into Guinness.

 

I know it's hard to feel "replaced." I'm dreading the inevitable discovery that my ex is dating someone else in this small town. And when I do, I'll feel just as you do, and need to be reminded of the same thing I'm telling you! Rationality over emotions = nearly impossible to do. Go easy on yourself

[Zahara]

I'm going to respectfully disagree with some of what Zahara says above. It's highly unlikely that someone who was a jerk in one relationship is going to make a rapid transformation into a great partner in the next relationship, especially when less than a year has transpired after the breakup of the first one.

 

I don't know where I said he was making a transformation into being the model partner with this other woman. All I said was that he may treat the other woman the same way or he may find the other woman compatible to him. I never said he was transforming into being the best partner.

Edited May 6, 2014 by Zahara

[Zapbasket]

I don't know where I said he was making a transformation into being the model partner with this other woman. All I said was that he may treat the other woman the same way or he may find the other woman compatible to him.

 

Yes, we're basically saying the same thing from different angles. "Compatible" doesn't mean "happier together." In the case of someone with commitment issues or other issues that could collectively fit under the moniker "jerk," "compatible" means the woman is willing to put up with the jerkiness. Jerky behavior is universally unpleasant to experience, therefore someone willing to TOLERATE it is typically someone lacking the self esteem to hold out for BETTER. So you have a relationship essentially of two halves trying to make a whole but inevitably ending up qith a quarter. Not a recipe for a happy, functional relationship even if it putters along for a while free of conflict. For a commitment-phobe like OP's ex, too, lack of conflict only means optimal "coasting" conditions, not a reason to delve into ever-deeper waters of intimacy.

Edited May 6, 2014 by GreenCove

[Zahara]

Yes, we're basically saying the same thing from different angles. "Compatible" doesn't mean "happier together." In the case of someone with commitment issues or other issues that could collectively fit under the moniker "jerk," "compatible" means the woman is willing to put up with the jerkiness. Jerky behavior is universally unpleasant to experience, therefore someone willing to TOLERATE it is typically someone lacking the self esteem to hold out for BETTER. So you have a relationship essentially of two halves trying to make a whole. Not a recipe for a happy, functional relationship even if it putters along for a while free of conflict. For a commitment-phobe like OP's ex, too, lack of conflict only means optimal "coasting" conditions, not a reason to delve into ever-deeper waters of intimacy.

 

I never said that just because him finding another woman more compatible to him would mean that it would be a happy union and that this OP's ex/new relationship would be perfect. My ex had commitment issues with me. Then he met someone else. He is engaged to her. She's compatible to him and for him but that hasn't changed who he is. She's just molded and adapted herself to him to accommodate having/needing a relationship with him.

[Elle1975]

I never said that just because him finding another woman more compatible to him would mean that it would be a happy union and that this OP's ex/new relationship would be perfect. My ex had commitment issues with me. Then he met someone else. He is engaged to her. She's compatible to him and for him but that hasn't changed who he is. She's just molded and adapted herself to him to accommodate having/needing a relationship with him.

 

Well, to go back to your question.. No one likes to feel rejected. He told you he didn't have it in him to love anyone, and next thing you know this girl is getting what he refused to give you. That has to be a drag indeed.

 

For this dude it seems like the FB status matters (a FB status is a bunch of crap if you ask me..but w/e.) What exactly he's giving to her, who knows.. might be good, might be that he's not treating her all that well. Who knows? Who cares?

 

However, what happened doesn't define who you are, so don't let it drag you down. Don't feel like you're not deserving, if that's the way you feel. What happened with this guy should not define your sense of worth.

 

I also think that you should have removed yourself from this situation long ago, when you could tell something was off. Eh.. we've all done it. Just don't let it happen again. It's all about learning from our mistakes. We don't always get it right the first, second, or third time. It sometimes requires some adjustment, but eventually we do get it right.

[Zahara]

^^ I believe you quoted the wrong person ^^

[Elle1975]

^^ I believe you quoted the wrong person ^^

 

I bounced off your post to go to the poster's post. But thank you

[Zapbasket]

I never said that just because him finding another woman more compatible to him would mean that it would be a happy union and that this OP's ex/new relationship would be perfect. My ex had commitment issues with me. Then he met someone else. He is engaged to her. She's compatible to him and for him but that hasn't changed who he is. She's just molded and adapted herself to him to accommodate having/needing a relationship with him.

 

Exactly. We are on the same page. There's a belief out there, fostered by Hollywood in particular, that a wayward "bad boy" or commitment-phobe just needs the "right woman" and then everything is golden and everyone lives happily ever after. The thing about people with intimacy issues is that they will sabotage even a relationship with the most "compatible" person. It's because their behavior patterns are INCOMPATIBLE with a healthy relationship. So, in that rubric, as you and I both are saying, a woman compatible with those unhealthy behaviors has plenty of unhealthy beliefs and behaviors herself. And so the only options to people in such a relationship are a) to remain indefinitely in an emotionally limited relationship or b) to part ways once one partner has an emotional awakening and realizes there is more to strive for in a relationship. Sometimes it can happen where c) the two unhealthy partners grow together into a healthier relationship with each other--but they need couples counseling and possibly also IC to achieve this.

 

It just goes back to the OP getting this truth into her head: IT'S NOT HER. Of course it hurts immeasurably to see or hear of someone you once loved or still love loving someone else, but you have to ask, "What is their love?" Is it really enough for you, this Miller Lite love they're capable of?

[bluegreen]

As someone said tigers never change their spots but in this case all I can call him is "stinky" cat ...

[Zapbasket]

Back to my earlier point, about how it's a person's character that determines how they behave in a relationship: I have three exes. One of them, I recognized years later, I did not love at all. And you know what? I didn't give him any "less" of myself than I gave to the other two guys, whom I did love very much. The ex I did not love had a personality disorder and thus exhibited more fundamental shortcomings in the relationship than my other exes. He was definitely "lacking." But his shortcomings did not "create" or "influence" my shortcomings. My shortcomings were my own and I carried them into the next relationship, with someone I loved a whole lot.

 

It comes down to the title of that book, I suppose: "Wherever You Go, There You Are." It's true for Every. Single. One. of. Us. No one is exempt!

 

Like I said, it's much easier for me to have this conviction in relation to others' situations than it is for me to have it in relation to my own. I'm in the exact same boat as you, OP--except the new girlfriend hasn't happened...yet. I dread it; I really do.

[Zahara]

As someone said tigers never change their spots but in this case all I can call him is "stinky" cat ...

 

I can't help it Blue, leopards are the ones with spots, tigers have a striped coat

 

But we can stick to stinky cat!

[stillafool]

OP I am sorry you are hurt. It has almost been a year since your breakup and I don't think it odd that your ex is now dating someone new. What about you? Are you meeting new guys and moving forward with your life as well? I hope so.

[SoonMyFriend]

I am moving forward in my life, and in fact I moved past this guy a long time ago. There was a time I pined after him, but in December I really had that moment where you just realize they aren't worth it anymore.

 

I am dating (see my posts in the Tinder thread if you don't believe me haha), had a few ONS (one guy who I did develop feelings for but he's old news too). I've actually been enjoying being single and dating. I have had fun meeting new guys, flirting, and just enjoying my freedom. The last few months my self esteem has been higher than it has been in a long time. I've had my down moments, but who doesn't?

 

But every now & then I've wished I had someone to wake up with, cuddle with, and just be with.

 

As far as this ex, I KNOW he is all kinds of wrong for me. We were a bad match. He treated me like crap. I had my flaws in the relationship. It wasn't going to work.

 

Which is why I don't fully understand why it's bothering me. Like it just hurts. It did hit me sideways and did make me feel like I wasn't good enough for him. And yes the one thing I can be weak on is viewing myself as beautiful so when I see a girl I view as beautiful getting listed as his girlfriend it makes me feel like a troll...

 

But wow, this thread is really helping me feel better Please keep it coming LS. You guys are the best. Thank you.

[Elle1975]

I am moving forward in my life, and in fact I moved past this guy a long time ago. There was a time I pined after him, but in December I really had that moment where you just realize they aren't worth it anymore.

 

I am dating (see my posts in the Tinder thread if you don't believe me haha), had a few ONS (one guy who I did develop feelings for but he's old news too). I've actually been enjoying being single and dating. I have had fun meeting new guys, flirting, and just enjoying my freedom. The last few months my self esteem has been higher than it has been in a long time. I've had my down moments, but who doesn't?

 

But every now & then I've wished I had someone to wake up with, cuddle with, and just be with.

 

As far as this ex, I KNOW he is all kinds of wrong for me. We were a bad match. He treated me like crap. I had my flaws in the relationship. It wasn't going to work.

 

Which is why I don't fully understand why it's bothering me. Like it just hurts. It did hit me sideways and did make me feel like I wasn't good enough for him. And yes the one thing I can be weak on is viewing myself as beautiful so when I see a girl I view as beautiful getting listed as his girlfriend it makes me feel like a troll...

 

But wow, this thread is really helping me feel better Please keep it coming LS. You guys are the best. Thank you.

 

Don't feel like a troll (that was funny btw). Eh.. it probably bothers you because you had feelings for him. A bit of salt on an old wound, if I may say.

 

Most people want someone to cuddle with, to use your own terms. I find it very healthy of a wish. When people tell me "I don't want a relationship, marriage, bf, partner, etc", I am not afraid anymore to say "I do". And I'm amazed how many people admit that's what they want too! It seems it is considered a weakness to admit to it. Some rather be single, and that's fine, but I find I'm not alone in my wish to share life with someone (but not just anyone!)

Edited May 7, 2014 by Elle1975

[love1336x]

That is totally my worse FEAR.

Me being a creeper, and then my heart sinking into the ground finding out their relationship.

 

But, funny thing is... it seem i always get the new boyfriend before they get into new relationships.

 

I hope you stop checking his facebook, it will only get worse and stop you from healing... As you can see he wasn't long term and thank goodness! I mean what if he would have wasted more of your time, and you would have been MORE in love. Be grateful, and say good luck to his new girlfriend because she's gonna need it. People don't change for other people over night.

 

P.S who cares about looks? What you find ugly somebody else might find sexy.

[SoonMyFriend]

To clarify- I found out about the new girlfriend, then creeped his profile. I have no intention of ever again creeping his profile. Yesterday was enough.

 

I just came on here to say thanks again LS. This thread helped me immensely yesterday and I am doing better today. Not going to let this ***hole drag me down. I have done a lot of work to better myself over the last 9 months and no reason I should let this guy destroy all of that work.

 

Besides, I am already lining up dates for next week and I am also not going to let my ex ruin future opportunities for me!!

[Chi townD]

There ya go, girl! Keep making positive changes and you'll do alright! You sound great today!

[me85]

HUGS TO YOU!

 

I'm sorry. I know what you're going through. I've been there. Only, my situation was a liiiiittttle different. My ex was involved with someone else the same week after not even really officially ended things with me. Ya. I found out on facebook. Jerk off didn't even bother deleting me before tagging her in everything and liking all her stuff. Making it so obvious and most likely doing on purpose out of spite.

 

I firmly believe he was involved with her while involed with me. That's probably why he had such a drastic change of heart with me in such a short amount of time. I'm certain of this. Mama didn't raise no fool.

 

(btw did I mention he's done the same exact thing to me twice? with 2 dif girls ... that I'm aware of.)

 

Ya, I was a fool for too long but can't regret being the loving forgiving person I am and seriously believing he was "the one." I was in love. Love will make you foolish at times. I can't regret feeling what I felt. Who has control over their feelings?? No one. I just regret keeping in contact when I knew it was BS and no longer mattered. I knew I was over him. & vice versa. I did what I did purely out of habit and habits are VERY hard to break. I tried hating him, I mean, I definitely should've at least never wanted to speak to him again but I never could adapt those feelings or even force them. I tried! They have to come on their own, naturally, and they finally have for me. I'm quite honestly OVER HIM. That day will come for you too.

 

Just tell yourself "WHO CARES?!!" Of course, we all do. Just DO NOT LOOK AT HIS OR HER FACEBOOK ANYMORE. DELETE AND BLOCK. Out of sight truly turns into out of mind.

 

Take care hun!! Come here and vent whenever you feel upset. It helps.

[SoonMyFriend]

Thanks m83, and I am sorry to hear you went through something even worse.

 

That guy sounds like a real dick and you are better off without him!!