JustC Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 After lurking for a few days and finding a lot of comfort in this section of this forum, I decided to go ahead and register. My story: My ex and I were together for two months shy of two years. In fact, the break up fight came days after I reminded him of our upcoming anniversary. I didn't get into a relationship with him for the right reasons. I was happy being single. I was comfortable that way. My 3 year relationship with my previous live-in bf had ended and it hadn't been very terrible. I didn't cry much at all. It ended when we both knew it was over and neither of us begged or played games (maybe him a little bit). The guy before HIM was another couple of years and had been the first to break my heart. And he broke it HARD. I developed a drinking problem. I had no idea what to do with myself. I totally regret going down that road and I don't view the recovery as normal or healthy in any way. I even took him back about half a year later only to find he was still a suspicious crazy person, getting on my computer pretending to be an a**hole version of me and contacting every guy on my AOL messenger (it was a long time ago, heh) and dumped him and broke HIS heart. Back to this last guy, people were giving me a hard time for being single for three years. Sure, I had relationships of a few months here and there but meh. So, when I started dating this guy... he's rich, he travels all of the time. This worked well for me because I didn't have to worry about a deadbeat mooching off of me and he was gone a lot so it wouldn't interfere with work. He was also so completely self-absorbed which bugged me to no end but I ignored it. And then I fell in love with him and we went to Paris, traveled all over the world. But, I decided in December that I want to change "jobs". I'm a stripper currently. Yes, I went to college and I have an amazing family and I work hard and all of the time, saving my money. But, I want something to be PROUD of and I love people and... I want to be a nurse... I think. So, I started plans for nursing school. Nursing school is grueling. It hasn't started yet, but it is. And I told him that. And that's when things started falling apart. That backstory is important because I finally reached out for "closure" after two weeks of the break up fight and received and email that I basically didn't fit in with his lifestyle. He said he was halfway ready to retire and I was only starting my career. (He's 43 and I'm 31... Don't judge. Even feeling like this I know deep down that I look good.) He said I needed a 9-5 guy to curl up on the couch with at night and watch TV. That he didn't want that and I deserved better. That he still wanted to be friends (yea right). So, I try to better myself and he DUMPS me for it? But, I KNOW it's true... really really deep down, I know it is. And not for his reasons. He wasn't emotionally available. I would make him dinner and he would complain that "It wasn't as seasoned as last time" or whatever and then bury his face in his work. I found his active online dating profile even though he was "just looking". (He was. I made him fork over his password to prove it and he had only been favoriting girls... throughout our entire relationship. My birthday, v-day, our anniversaries...) So, why is it so hard to move on? I feel like I've never done this before. At least not in the healthy way. But, I can't go to work depressed as hell and I have more than enough savings to support that feeling for a few months. I try to get out of the house once a day even for a short walk and, when I'm somehow stronger, a short trip to the gym. It's been over two weeks and I feel like such a loser... That leaving the house is some huge accomplishment? Yay, I vacuumed for five minutes, I must be feeing better! I feel like this is abnormally long. And it sucks. I did okay the first week. I even worked. I guess it was denial because I made the HUGE mistake of checking to see if he was online dating and there were his profiles. I started vomiting, I was so upset. I had to get over it all again for maybe 5 days only to get a 1:30am text and call waking me to tell me he had to return my things. That's when I realized I should block his numbers. Which I did. Then the, "Is he going to just show up with my things?" thoughts starting torturing me. So, I wrote him an email. I told him that he was blocked and that it was so I could get over the break up and heal. That he could leave my things at my parents house while they were at work because I couldn't deal. The fool wrote me back. Told me I didn't have to block him. I told him it was to protect myself. That I knew he would never text me and tell me that he wanted to work it out or anything that I needed to hear. So, that's when he wrote the long letter of explanation about how he wants to keep traveling and I can't/ don't want to with school and my own needs about solidarity. I can't say I regret that contact. It's better than that horrible fight. Is that weird? I feel like that's as close to closure as anyone can get. It doesn't fix the heartache but maybe it did a little? Then why am I crying all over again? I'd gone for days with that horrible sadness but not to the point of crying.
FredJones80 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 After lurking for a few days and finding a lot of comfort in this section of this forum, I decided to go ahead and register. My story: I started reading but that huge wall of text hurt my eyes. Not sure if I need glasses or something but I find when people don't break up their text I can't finish reading it. Sorry
Recommended Posts