Poppy's sister Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Bentley chic..... I am in exactly the same position. Are you married too? Have you left? I am scared that this pain will become unbearable or we will never be brave enough to make the final break to be together. For those of you that did do it... How long did it take? How long were you in an affair first? When I am desperate I think about camilla... She waited a long time and now looks so happy
WrinkledForehead Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Yes, I'm with my fWM. We are happy, but happily ever will always be something to be seen at a future date. I can't call it. We are happy, yet working through some murky waters. Hey, guys, did anyone ever tell you affairs are bad? (That's a joke). They cause a ton of pain and long-reaching consequences. We are working on healing. It's not perfect, but it is beautiful, and right now we have each other.
WrinkledForehead Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Bentley chic..... I am in exactly the same position. Are you married too? Have you left? I am scared that this pain will become unbearable or we will never be brave enough to make the final break to be together. For those of you that did do it... How long did it take? How long were you in an affair first? When I am desperate I think about camilla... She waited a long time and now looks so happy We were in an affair for 6 months. It took a hellish month to end. The affair has never been exposed, nor will it be. He left citing the fundamental issues in their R but not the A. I couldn't imagine longer A's or split times. Pure emotional hell. Even on the other side it's tough. Healing takes some time.
bentleychic Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Bentley chic..... I am in exactly the same position. Are you married too? Have you left? I am scared that this pain will become unbearable or we will never be brave enough to make the final break to be together. For those of you that did do it... How long did it take? How long were you in an affair first? When I am desperate I think about camilla... She waited a long time and now looks so happy No, I kicked my (now) exH out not long before I started the A with MM. That (separation/divorce) was a long time coming, though and was a physically and emotionally abusive relationship that I tried to end numerous times over the years and had nothing to do with MM. MM and I have been together for 21 months now.
MissBee Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 (edited) You're not the only one, but it certainly isn't happening in droves. My A was a while ago, we actually ended up trying in a non-A, regular R context, some time after the A ended and we hadn't even spoken for a year and all this, but in the end it didn't work out, partly because some of the behaviors exhibited in the A: complacency, happily fence-sitting, wanting things both ways etc came up in our regular R too, not to mention I never heard him express any idea that he thought cheating was a bad way to handle things, therefore I felt like if he sees nothing wrong with it in principle, he isn't even trying to make an excuse like "I would never normally do it..." so that left me suspicious but....all's well that ends well! I had relationships with single men after and am now happily with someone else . Edited May 8, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fluttershy Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 (edited) I don't know if people from affairages freely tell their love story. Unless your friends have no issues with affairs there is a certain unromantic element to the story when shared. <snipped due to being off-topic but respecting reply content being on-topic> Edited July 12, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Lady2163 Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 I'm not sure of this applies, but what happened with mine, was that I knew from the start we wouldn't end up together. BUT... We are doing well as friends without benefits. I'm not ready to see him and have that temptation, but we still talk to each other often and regularly. If the friendship works, that may be my happily ever after with him.
Got it Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Yes we are married and happy. Not ALWAYS happy with him. but yes usually very happy. Just a busy summer with work, home projects, and life and traveling. Not here more because of a plethora of reasons and my renewed focus into my most favorite past time, horses. Only so much time to spend in a day and so focusing there with my free time.
Anna-Belle Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 Add me to the list of EMRs which turned into a relationship out in the open. So glad I didn't listen to the chorus of nay-sayers on LS. I trusted my heart and my own opinions, and here we are, happy (ever after? Well, that's yet to see.) We have an unbelievable capacity of communication and dealing with issues, likely brought about because of all the difficulties we encountered during the EMR. We both trust in the history of our ability to deal with our issues and are expecting a long and happy relationship together. 6
cocorico Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 I don't know if people from affairages freely tell their love story. I don't know what an "affairage" is, but if you're referring to people who fell in love while in an A and subsequently M, then I would say that that would depend on the context. In the professional and social circles my H and I inhabit, it's not uncommon, and so people are not ashamed or reticent to discuss their "love story". Because we are an international couple, we are often asked how we met, and we tell them honestly. We have never had a negative response, even from very conservative people. It is always received as a story of love conquering obstacles, "very romantic". I suspect that in other contexts which are less tolerant there may be a greater reluctance to share, but we have not encountered that personally. 2
lilmisscantbewrong Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 It's really interesting. We recently had a death in our community. The lady that passed away was in an "affairage". It lasted 35 years. It was a huge scandal in our community when they had the affair but the did end up together and he is very sad now that she has passed. One that did work out.
glowing Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 I'm part of this group too. There really aren't enough words to express what he means to me, or how much I love our life together. I still pinch myself. I was afraid to hope that it would work out, but every day I get to wake up next to this man, and it's just that simple and wonderful. We blended our families, and the kids are doing fantastic. Our exes are both very angry and high conflict, but we have learned to let go and keep the focus on us and our family. 1
cocorico Posted May 13, 2014 Posted May 13, 2014 I'm part of this group too. There really aren't enough words to express what he means to me, or how much I love our life together. I still pinch myself. I was afraid to hope that it would work out, but every day I get to wake up next to this man, and it's just that simple and wonderful. We blended our families, and the kids are doing fantastic. Our exes are both very angry and high conflict, but we have learned to let go and keep the focus on us and our family. Yes. His toxic X is the only dark cloud n our horizon, too. Still, she's nothing that law enforcement can't handle, or a nicely padded rubber room. The rest is just great - far better than either of us dared dream.
EmeraldCityGirl Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 My ex-mm and I are celebrating our second wedding anniversary next month; he has been divorced for three years now. Our affair was long-term: on and off for close to four years. It was hell. We hurt each other, our children, and his ex (who I can now honestly call a friend) so badly, I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully forgive myself. However, I cannot say that I wouldn't do it all over again if that's what it took to end up where we are today, as selfish as that is. We have our issues, which were especially difficult in the beginning of our marriage - seeking the acceptance of his family, blending our two families together, trying to establish some form of cordial relationship with his ex, etc. These challenges have become much less daunting with the passage of time, and our love for each other only seems to grow stronger with every new day. I think, having fought so hard for the chance to be together, that it is not as easy to take each other for granted. I get butterflies every time he touches me, we have an incredibly robust and mutually satisfying sex life (far better than during the A), and a deep and loving friendship that continues to grow. Though I wish we would have met and fallen in love under different circumstances, we didn't. We have had to learn to accept that, and not let the origins of our love story continue to define our relationship. It's taken time (and we're still not all the way there yet), but every morning when I wake up to the love of my life sleeping next to me, I am convinced all over again: as hard as it was, it was worth it. 1
forbidden_love Posted May 16, 2014 Posted May 16, 2014 Me and MM love each other, we are in limbo and that is why i am here. I would not come on here if I was happy though unless I was helping someone come to terms with their situation. i guess I am not that unselfish. Lots of allegedly reconciled BS are here to help understand, I cannot imagine it helping them.
adna89 Posted June 24, 2014 Posted June 24, 2014 I know of some cases.But the situation is usually....she was married/had boyfriend,he was single It is very rare to hear about a married man who left the wife,guess because men often cheat just because of sex...while women tend to fall in love lot easier 1
NotSoInnocent Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 I think it is the hope that "this one just might work out" that keeps people in affairs holding on. The fact that some do work out makes us think that maybe I will be one of the minority. There is nothing wrong with hope. Everyone that went on to a happy "Affairage" had hope. But there is a fine line between hoping, and ignoring reality. It's hard to know where that line is. 1
Hope Shimmers Posted June 26, 2014 Posted June 26, 2014 I think it is the hope that "this one just might work out" that keeps people in affairs holding on. The fact that some do work out makes us think that maybe I will be one of the minority. There is nothing wrong with hope. Everyone that went on to a happy "Affairage" had hope. But there is a fine line between hoping, and ignoring reality. It's hard to know where that line is. Agreed. I am 'hoping' too (thus my name here on LS), but what I am hoping for is a lot different now than it was when I was with him.
pixiecut Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 i am hoping to have a happy ending. his divorce will finalize this fall and while we are not fully open yet we are working on building something real and gradually making our immediate community aware of our togetherness. trusted friends family etc. we are not there yet and there are still some major hurdles to overcome that will happen once we are fully out of the closet but i am hopeful. physical distance (due to unrelated reasons) helps with the slowing down. it's nice to come across relatively positive stories of a R that started as an A working out, they are few and far in between and the negative stats give something to worry about. We need support too.
cocorico Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 . Everyone that went on to a happy "Affairage" had hope. But there is a fine line between hoping, and ignoring reality. It's hard to know where that line is. I don't know what an "affairage" is, aside from being a crime against the English language, so I don't know if I would qualify for that - but I do know that what I had was not hope, but confidence. I knew our R. I knew it would last as long as we both wanted it to, despite the challenges. I knew that a bunch of carping strangers in a foreign country with different morals and different cultures and different circumstances professing doom and gloom had no idea beyond the small amount I shared, and I knew that he was nothing like they chose to caricature *all* MM. I knew him, and us. They didn't. Hope is what you do when you don't have the support of evidence. If your evidence supports you, it's not hope, it's reality. If you're choosing to ignore evidence that does not support you, that's not hope either, that's denial. Some people choose to live by hope. I choose to live by evidence. 5
Author goodyblue Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 I don't know what an "affairage" is, aside from being a crime against the English language, so I don't know if I would qualify for that - but I do know that what I had was not hope, but confidence. I knew our R. I knew it would last as long as we both wanted it to, despite the challenges. I knew that a bunch of carping strangers in a foreign country with different morals and different cultures and different circumstances professing doom and gloom had no idea beyond the small amount I shared, and I knew that he was nothing like they chose to caricature *all* MM. I knew him, and us. They didn't. Hope is what you do when you don't have the support of evidence. If your evidence supports you, it's not hope, it's reality. If you're choosing to ignore evidence that does not support you, that's not hope either, that's denial. Some people choose to live by hope. I choose to live by evidence. The doom and gloomers didn't change my feelings either. I really got tired of hearing it and of course now, I hear that I can't possibly be in a good relationship because I 'profess' happiness too much. It gets old. I never doubted my relationship either. I knew we'd be fine. I knew we were doing the right thing for us so I knew we would make it happen. 2
Baby123 Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 My MM divorced and we're together and we're out in the open. I think we're the happiest we've ever been- there are things that are hard, like memories of times I was let down, and certain trust issues but they are getting better every day. I love him more now- then I ever did during the A or when he was separated. I am happy we are together. But if I had it all again I wish i'd never gotten involved with a MM, no matter what. Its too much heartbreak all round- I would only ever date a completely single guy.
Author goodyblue Posted July 12, 2014 Author Posted July 12, 2014 My MM divorced and we're together and we're out in the open. I think we're the happiest we've ever been- there are things that are hard, like memories of times I was let down, and certain trust issues but they are getting better every day. I love him more now- then I ever did during the A or when he was separated. I am happy we are together. But if I had it all again I wish i'd never gotten involved with a MM, no matter what. Its too much heartbreak all round- I would only ever date a completely single guy. Most assuredly it's not the best way to start a relationship. I wish we hadn't started as an affair either, but we don't seem to have the issues with trust or bad memories, etc. I know it can be an issue though. Keep working on it. I'm glad you are doing well.
Baby123 Posted July 12, 2014 Posted July 12, 2014 Most assuredly it's not the best way to start a relationship. I wish we hadn't started as an affair either, but we don't seem to have the issues with trust or bad memories, etc. I know it can be an issue though. Keep working on it. I'm glad you are doing well. Well we're trying but today I've been triggering- with trust issues over the smallest things and accusing him of things This is the first bad day in a while...
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