clarasacco Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 BF and I have been dating for 1.5 years. I have my daughter 50/50 from a previous marriage. I barely see him on my weekends with her. He probably sees her for about 48-72 hours out of the month (that includes time sleeping). He says we're the most important people to him, BUT, actions speak louder than words. After spending a saturday with us- he likes to go out and party at friends or bar. Same group of people everytime.He then breaks plans with us about 90% of the time the following Sunday, because he gets too drunk. A couple of times a year- I get. But 1 to 2 x's a month? No way. I don't see the true committment there. I don't mind him drinking w/ friends and by all means, stay there if you're too drunk or CALL me to get you. But don't disregard us. We have a date tomorrow so I can discuss all of this with him, but I want to word it in a way that doesn't make him mad, but also makes him realize, if he can't commit more time when my daughters around and doesn't stop partying so much, I have no choice but to leave because it's too detrimental to our relationship that his relationship with my daughter. I'm getting tired of the same party over & over again too. Beer pong, round of shots, guys arm wrestling and taking their shirts off. Feels like a frat.
MidwestUSA Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 How old are the two of you? Regardless of age, you're at different points in life. You're a responsible parent; he isn't and is showing you he has no intention of trying to be one. Simply tell him you're done. Drinking to the point of having to break plans with you that frequently points to him being an alcoholic. You can't expose your daughter to that. Sounds simple I know, but good luck!
Author clarasacco Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 I'm 26 and he is 30. You're right. Alcoholism runs in his family. I've never seen him become angry when drinking, but being neglectful of our plans is still not acceptable. 1
MidwestUSA Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I'm 26 and he is 30. You're right. Alcoholism runs in his family. I've never seen him become angry when drinking, but being neglectful of our plans is still not acceptable. Exactly, and keep telling yourself that. See him thru your daughter's eyes - the nonstop broken plans. What kind of role model is he? It's obvious you know what needs to be done, stick to it.
d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Start the discussion from a place of concern. Express your desire for him to be safe, especially no drinking & driving. Then talk about cancelled plans & ask if he could please make an effort to not cancel them. Would you be OK if he just didn't make them? If so, tell him that. Otherwise based on his family history, this looks more like a lifelong pattern & you aren't going to be able to change it.
Author clarasacco Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 I guess suggesting couseling is out of the question then? Prepping myself for what I know he'll already say is hard. Knowing what I have to do next is easy, but actually doing it is even harder. We have a history that goes way back before dating.. I don't know how I'm going to deliever.
d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 If you suggest counseling, he's going to hear you calling him a drunk & will get defensive. I'm not saying he doesn't need counseling but I don't think such a suggestion will be well received. 1
salparadise Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 ...if he can't commit more time when my daughters around and doesn't stop partying so much, I have no choice but to leave because it's too detrimental to our relationship that his relationship with my daughter. I don't understand why you're putting your daughter at the center this. If he isn't keeping commitments because he's hung over or whatever, that's a relationship issue between you and he. It seems like you may have some rather specific expectations with respect to the role he's supposed to play in your daughter's life. I assume her father is involved, and if that's the case why is it important to you that the boyfriend to be devoting time to her? I think you'd best think of this in terms of what it means for you if alcohol is affecting his life and his ability to keep commitments to you. Granted, you don't want to subject your daughter to potentially alcoholic partner, but that's really a non-issue if you have the same requirement for yourself.
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