Is my girlfriend going to dump me?

[David_1]

Hey guys, I haven't posted in here in a while...just having a bit of anxiety about my girlfriend and the way she's acting...guess I wanted a bit of clarity, and an outside opinion, I guess.

 

I've been with my girlfriend about 8/9 months now and we've lived together since around month 3. I asked her to move in with me because she had nowhere else to really go. Otherwise, I guess it might not have really happened.

 

Anyway, we became quite close very quickly. We've spent pretty much every day together since we started dating and have always been pretty much a big part of each other's lives.

 

She has always been a very attentive, affectionate, openly loving partner. She and I will always tell each other we love each other a few times a day etc. This last week, though - it hasn't been like that. She's gone away to visit her family, and originally was supposed to stay a couple of days. She doesn't see them often, btw. The first night she was there, she went out and got quite drunk - when she got in she was messaging me all these 'I love you's and being so, so loving. From the morning after, though she became colder.

 

I mentioned to her that we were a little distant, and she agreed that we were. I then stated that I was worried about our relationship, and she basically said that she was entitled to go away without me panicking about when she was coming home, etc. I felt OK, fair enough, she has a point. But as I've said, we've always been a close couple so I felt slightly offended.

 

During the day, while she's away, we hardly talk. If we do talk it's sort of weird...she won't talk much, instead sending me a whole bunch of pictures and then just going offline - even now as I'm writing this I feel a bit silly but bear with me! Then, at night, she just said "sleep well" and went to bed :/

 

She is supposed to be coming back on Wednesday, now. I just have a strong gut feeling that all is not OK with her. Just before she left we had a huge argument, and I'm worried that while she's away she's thinking about whether she should be with me. She is acting so distant I can't even list all the ways - but it's enough to make me a bit concerned. I've tried talking to her about it, but I haven't got anywhere and she'll just close up or tell me I'm being insecure.

 

I know 8 months isn't that long at all, but I do love her and I just wonder what I should do next, here. What is the best way to sit her down (once she gets home) and voice my concerns without looking and sounding desperate, or insecure?

[David87]

Your gut feeling is right, something isn't right. Take her to a nice restaurant when she comes home , buy her some flowers and try not to be so insecure.

[David_1]

Your gut feeling is right, something isn't right. Take her to a nice restaurant when she comes home , buy her some flowers and try not to be so insecure.

 

Thank you for your reply - I will, I have a whole evening planned, lol.

[Candy_Pants]

Wait to see how she acts on Wednesday. Then you'll have a better idea.

 

Things aren't always exactly the same in relationships. They change over time. Keep communication open, and be honest about your thoughts and expectations.

[David_1]

Wait to see how she acts on Wednesday. Then you'll have a better idea.

 

Things aren't always exactly the same in relationships. They change over time. Keep communication open, and be honest about your thoughts and expectations.

 

Yes, I'm going to see what happens on Wednesday and go from there... hopefully nothing has changed, and I've just imagined it all.

[Candy_Pants]

Yes, I'm going to see what happens on Wednesday and go from there... hopefully nothing has changed, and I've just imagined it all.

 

Even if it HAS changed, that's okay. You have to change together, adapt together, be empathetic and open. But it has to be both of you.

[David_1]

Even if it HAS changed, that's okay. You have to change together, adapt together, be empathetic and open. But it has to be both of you.

 

I understand what you're saying... I guess the 'distance' could simply be that she's been just so busy with friends and family - like I said she doesn't see them that often, so that's fair enough.

[Candy_Pants]

I understand what you're saying... I guess the 'distance' could simply be that she's been just so busy with friends and family - like I said she doesn't see them that often, so that's fair enough.

 

She's probably pretty busy!! Look at the bright side, she's sending you pictures and still texting you. Everyone needs time to decompress and destress. Don't take it personally.

[David_1]

She's probably pretty busy!! Look at the bright side, she's sending you pictures and still texting you. Everyone needs time to decompress and destress. Don't take it personally.

 

Yes, you're right... I know I need to learn to relax!

[David_1]

Just a an update on this thread, I guess.

 

I'd been talking to her via WhatsApp and some of my friends had invited us over for dinner, so I asked her if she wanted to come. Her reply was, "you go". I then just said to her, you know, what is going on, why are you being so blunt? That's when it all sort of came out.

 

She said that she isn't happy, that she wants to move closer to her family home as she can't afford to live with me anymore. That she still loves me, but feels that we should be apart to work on our lives. She hasn't actually ended it, but I don't hold out much hope. She is coming back tonight, to 'talk' but obviously, that just could be that she wants to end it in person. So. Yeah. I'm still going to cook her dinner, etc. I guess, I don't really think there's much I can do, here. If she wants to go, I have to let her, don't I. I love her SO much, and would fight to the death to keep her, but if she wants to go, what can I do?

[stateofgrace]

Alright well, first of all, I think the biggest problem here is that you guys spent so much time together at the beginning that it became a habit. When she decided to go away and spend time with her family, you felt insecure. Everyone likes their space. Maybe she's feeling a little overwhelmed by the amount of time you spend together and she just wanted to get away. There's nothing wrong with that - you shouldn't be offended by that. I think the best thing you can do is just step back, don't text her while she's on her trip unless she texts you. I wouldn't look too much into her not texting you much while she's away, because she's visiting family she doesn't see often, whereas she gets to see you all the time. Everyone has lives outside a relationship, it's not always about the relationship. So, let her have family time. Don't talk about relationship issues when you're not face to face. It will get you no where.

 

When she comes back, gauge how she's acting. If she's still cold and distant, then express your concerns. But if she's excited to see you, then all is well! Just give her some space - my best advice is to not hang out with our SO all the time. Everyone needs time apart, how is she ever going to miss you if you guys are always texting or always hanging out???

[stateofgrace]

Just a an update on this thread, I guess.

 

I'd been talking to her via WhatsApp and some of my friends had invited us over for dinner, so I asked her if she wanted to come. Her reply was, "you go". I then just said to her, you know, what is going on, why are you being so blunt? That's when it all sort of came out.

 

She said that she isn't happy, that she wants to move closer to her family home as she can't afford to live with me anymore. That she still loves me, but feels that we should be apart to work on our lives. She hasn't actually ended it, but I don't hold out much hope. She is coming back tonight, to 'talk' but obviously, that just could be that she wants to end it in person. So. Yeah. I'm still going to cook her dinner, etc. I guess, I don't really think there's much I can do, here. If she wants to go, I have to let her, don't I. I love her SO much, and would fight to the death to keep her, but if she wants to go, what can I do?

Okay...just read this after I typed out my last post. The best thing you can do now, is just have this talk, and see what happens. If she isn't happy, ask her if there's anything you can do to change that. If she wants to go, then yes, you have to let her go. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't feel the same way. It's extremely hard and you'll always feel insecure. Don't do that to yourself!

 

And maybe this time apart is exactly what you guys need.....maybe she'll realize with space that she does want to be with you. You never know! If she wants space though, you NEED to give it to her, otherwise you'll just push her away more.

[soccerrprp]

David,

 

You can fight to the death, but such things are romanticized in Hollywood movies and rarely come to fruition. You're right, if she wants to go, you can't do much....except....everything!

 

Before I go into some detail, what does she mean she can't "afford" to live with you anymore? Does she have job? Paying part of the expenses? How far away from home is she? How often do you two date??? Or have you both become "comfortable?" How and why didn't she have any other place to stay when you asked her to move in with you?

 

Okay. What do I mean about doing "everything?" It sounds like her concern is that she is too far away from family, friends. She's feeling lonely? Perhaps neglected? Anyway, if the issues for her about feeling lonely, but she still loves you, are you not willing to make changes to help her with that? Is moving closer to her family an option? Why are you where you are? (I don't know or recall your background, if given).

 

David, I let someone dear to me drive off 1500 miles w/o saying a word. There were a number of reasons why I should have let her be, but, b/c I knew she liked me and that our parting had little or nothing to do with my effing up or that we were not compatible, I eventually went after her! But, I did it knowing that there was a possibility that I would be rejected. It was either 100% in or not at all. If I really cared about her, then no half-a$$ing it. To make a long story short, I'm with that girl now. I still can't believe to this day. BUT, if you do love her and she does love you, then you need to man up and do what it reasonably takes to keep her...otherwise, it's likely not love after all.

[David_1]

David,

 

You can fight to the death, but such things are romanticized in Hollywood movies and rarely come to fruition. You're right, if she wants to go, you can't do much....except....everything!

 

Before I go into some detail, what does she mean she can't "afford" to live with you anymore? Does she have job? Paying part of the expenses? How far away from home is she? How often do you two date??? Or have you both become "comfortable?" How and why didn't she have any other place to stay when you asked her to move in with you?

 

Okay. What do I mean about doing "everything?" It sounds like her concern is that she is too far away from family, friends. She's feeling lonely? Perhaps neglected? Anyway, if the issues for her about feeling lonely, but she still loves you, are you not willing to make changes to help her with that? Is moving closer to her family an option? Why are you where you are? (I don't know or recall your background, if given).

 

David, I let someone dear to me drive off 1500 miles w/o saying a word. There were a number of reasons why I should have let her be, but, b/c I knew she liked me and that our parting had little or nothing to do with my effing up or that we were not compatible, I eventually went after her! But, I did it knowing that there was a possibility that I would be rejected. It was either 100% in or not at all. If I really cared about her, then no half-a$$ing it. To make a long story short, I'm with that girl now. I still can't believe to this day. BUT, if you do love her and she does love you, then you need to man up and do what it reasonably takes to keep her...otherwise, it's likely not love after all.

 

 

OK. I don't work, I'm currently going into education to start a new career. She works, but she's freelance so often she isn't paid. I don't expect rent - if she doesn't have the money I wouldn't go on at her to give it to me, I'm not like that because I know what it's like to have no money. She does pay for most things, and she doesn't have an issue with this (well, I didn't think she did, as I have raised it number of times and she often insists on paying when I offer).

 

When she moved in she had split from an ex, and was looking after someone elses house until they returned from holiday so I offered to take her in.

 

She's a train ride away from home, about 45 minutes on a train out there. So it wouldn't be hard for her to visit every weekend or whatever. I do think she is scared of 'real life' - she worries a lot about her career and whether she is earning enough compared to her peers, etc.

[soccerrprp]

She feels inadequate. She feels that she isn't doing enough and while in her current circumstances, will seem like a failure. "Real life" is now for her. I see now why she feels this way. She feels that life is passing her by and having nothing really to show for it. It can certainly be depressing.

 

Why isn't she looking for a FT, paid position? You can't find a PT job? How are you paying for your expenses?

[David_1]

She feels inadequate. She feels that she isn't doing enough and while in her current circumstances, will seem like a failure. "Real life" is now for her. I see now why she feels this way. She feels that life is passing her by and having nothing really to show for it. It can certainly be depressing.

 

Why isn't she looking for a FT, paid position? You can't find a PT job? How are you paying for your expenses?

 

Yes, this is exactly how she feels. Well, she works in fashion and she really seems to enjoy it, so I think that's why. She has never worked FT and doesn't really know how to get into it, she's applied for a few positions which I guess leaves her feeling a bit depressed.

 

I am looking for PT work, but I currently have some savings behind me which are helping me.

 

She has stopped being affectionate toward me, you know, pet names etc. I just feel helpless, to be honest. And this is filling me with the worst anxiety and dread, because I can't compete with her family.

[David_1]

Also (this thread will probably get moved now) she was talking to me about sex, last night - you know, 'sexting' or whatever. I didn't really play alone with it as I've not felt things were right so....this morning she said it upset her that I did that - I just don't know. If she doesn't want to be with me anymore, why do that. She has totally stopped being affectionate toward me, doesn't call me baby or anything, doesn't tell me she loves me (depsite claming that she does, still) - it's really weird.

[soccerrprp]

She looks to her family b/c she is feeling lost, inadequate, depressed. To be honest, you don't serve as comfort to her right now....or not nearly enough. Sorry to be rough. If she had a thriving job she loved and the finances were not an issue...things would be much better, no? She would feel less longing for her family.

 

Has she tried finding another, more steady job that is related to fashion, advertising, etc. ? Have you helped?

 

Anyway, you two need to talk about this and if you really love her, you'll offer whatever reasonable in helping her. Good luck.

[darkmoon]

you had a "huge argument" so play nice from now on, what did you argue about? her free time to go off on a break? worse, was it a slanging match?

 

 

what made you argue?

[David_1]

you had a "huge argument" so play nice from now on, what did you argue about? her free time to go off on a break? worse, was it a slanging match?

 

 

what made you argue?

 

I genuinely can't remember what triggered the argument, but it wasn't nice.

[darkmoon]

I genuinely can't remember what triggered the argument, but it wasn't nice.

 

 

be careful not to be a drag by arguing some more, kiss her and squeeze her next time you see her, she sexted you after all

 

 

send her some kisses > XXXXX see? make nice!

I do not think you two know each other that well yet, tbh, eight months is nothing

[stateofgrace]

be careful not to be a drag by arguing some more, kiss her and squeeze her next time you see her, she sexted you after all

 

 

send her some kisses > XXXXX see? make nice!

I do not think you two know each other that well yet, tbh, eight months is nothing

I agree with this. I don't think she would've sexted you if she wasn't okay with things. You probably did more harm than good by not going with it. You were waiting for her to initiate something, or show some sort of interest or that she was okay, well that was it, bud. Don't drag the argument out, it gets annoying when people do that.

[David_1]

I agree with this. I don't think she would've sexted you if she wasn't okay with things. You probably did more harm than good by not going with it. You were waiting for her to initiate something, or show some sort of interest or that she was okay, well that was it, bud. Don't drag the argument out, it gets annoying when people do that.

 

I know, I realise that was my chance, now. She's on her way home, now - I guess she wouldn't have sexted me if she wasn't interested. I guess 8 months isn't that long - it just feels deeper because we have literally spent every day together, so we're probably a little more advanced than a usual 8 month old couple?

[David_1]

Well - after all that drama, she's come home and has not mentioned any of what she was talking about and is acting normal. Although, I'm glad to have her back, I'm still a bit wary around her as that was totally out of the blue and unexpected.

[ktya]

I've been with my girlfriend about 8/9 months now and we've lived together since around month 3. I asked her to move in with me because she had nowhere else to really go. Otherwise, I guess it might not have really happened.

 

Anyway, we became quite close very quickly. We've spent pretty much every day together since we started dating and have always been pretty much a big part of each other's lives.

 

This is a really terrible way to start a relationship. I'm no saint, I've done it, but I'll never do it again. Saving a woman from herself because she has nowhere to go usually means that she hasnt got her life together enough and therefore needs saving. I'm not judging your partner, I don't know her- but someone with no other place to go is a problematic sign.

 

She has always been a very attentive, affectionate, openly loving partner. She and I will always tell each other we love each other a few times a day etc. This last week, though - it hasn't been like that. She's gone away to visit her family, and originally was supposed to stay a couple of days. She doesn't see them often, btw. The first night she was there, she went out and got quite drunk - when she got in she was messaging me all these 'I love you's and being so, so loving. From the morning after, though she became colder.

 

If she was messaging you the I love yous when she was all drunk and got in that night, at least you know she didn't sleep with anyone else. Staying at her family's place probably also made that really inconvenient. Normally a girlfriend who goes out of town and then suddenly gets cold, infidelity is a problem. That may not be your problem for that drunken escapade but I would keep an eye out on that.

 

I mentioned to her that we were a little distant, and she agreed that we were. I then stated that I was worried about our relationship, and she basically said that she was entitled to go away without me panicking about when she was coming home, etc. I felt OK, fair enough, she has a point.

 

She's right on that one. Trust is key and if she's with family rather than partying it up in Cancun with the girls she is probably feeling that you are needy. Calling her all needy and questioning the relationship while she is away may be driving her away and making her cold. As in a "*groan* here is boyfriend wanting to talk to me again. Cant he just relax and enjoy the time at home alone?"

 

During the day, while she's away, we hardly talk. If we do talk it's sort of weird...she won't talk much, instead sending me a whole bunch of pictures and then just going offline - even now as I'm writing this I feel a bit silly but bear with me! Then, at night, she just said "sleep well" and went to bed

 

Girl wants some space. If shes out of town seeing old family she may be also seeing old friends. No sense going to see you family that you dont see very often only to spend a ton of time on the phone. Sounds like YOU are waiting around for her to communicate, while SHE is out doing things and living life. Perhaps if you do a bit more of the latter your insecurity will fade and you will feel less needing of her reaffirmation of your relationship.

 

 

She is supposed to be coming back on Wednesday, now. I just have a strong gut feeling that all is not OK with her. Just before she left we had a huge argument, and I'm worried that while she's away she's thinking about whether she should be with me. ... but I haven't got anywhere and she'll just close up or tell me I'm being insecure.

 

Having an insecure partner nattering you while you are away can sometimes put things into perspective - not the perspective that you want either. For her it may be, "we had a fight, I came here, now this guy is getting all insecure and needy on me, and I dont even want to talk to him because its starting to feel like work. I want a boyfriend not to be a surrogate mother! Ugh!"

 

I know 8 months isn't that long at all, but I do love her and I just wonder what I should do next, here. What is the best way to sit her down (once she gets home) and voice my concerns without looking and sounding desperate, or insecure?

 

Here's what you should do here.

 

1. Stop texting her any more than she texts you while she is away. Seeing as it's thrusday this point is probably moot.

 

2. Ask her all about her trip in a happy way like you are excited to hear what she got up to all that time. Dont even mention the radio silence periods, unless she brings it up, and you play it out like "you must have been really busy! hope you were having fun"

 

3. Take your own assessment of your role in this relationship. What is it that you want out of this relationship? Marriage, kids? Is she Ms. Right Now or Mrs. Right? Convenient sex? Do you feel like you are roomates with her or do you feel like she is your better half?

 

4. Take an assessment of your life in relation to this woman. Is she your whole world? Do you hang out with friends and do your own things and have sufficient personal space? Do you have hobbies or interests that keep you engaged even if she is busy for a while?

 

5. Read about codepednent relationships