crederer Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 You're bored so your first thought is to cheat? Pick up a friggen hobby. Link to post Share on other sites
Smilecharmer Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 Divorce him...cheating usually leads to divorce anyway so you might as well go there while you still have a shred of decency and dignity left. Link to post Share on other sites
TheWalkingMan Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 Divorce him...cheating usually leads to divorce anyway so you might as well go there while you still have a shred of decency and dignity left. I agree, at the very least the husband has a right to know she was thinking of cheating on him, he deserves to know that information. Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 From all of what the OP has said, I would be SHOCKED and dismayed if the husband is not aware that the wife is unhappy with the relationship. She has been trying, for years (?), to get him to change his schedule so that life could be more normal. He knows this, but has resisted. He is not interested in having a "normal" life with wife and child? Any chance that he is doing what he can to AVOID such responsibility? OP, if he is working second shift, that means, after sleeping, he is home during the hours of about 8am until late afternoon or early evening, right? So, there's plenty of family time during the day. Helping with the baby... but, he hasn't been helping. Ugh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 Given his past cheating and distance in the relationship, hence my recommendation for her to investigate a little bit to see if he still is cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 You shouldn't just accept his working 2nd shift and not spending "normal" time with you and your child simply because he likes the shift and the people he works with. Its something that is damaging your marriage and you have a responsibility to let him know how important it is to your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaSarah Posted May 7, 2014 Author Share Posted May 7, 2014 Okay, I didn't think him cheating on me should be in the original post because it doesn't have anything to do with my initial thoughts on cheating. I believe someone asked so it came up. It happened years ago when we were very young so I try not to hold it against him. We had only been together a couple months at that point. BUT I'm sure it doesn't help the situation. All these years I have never had thoughts like this as I have been very much in love with him. Like I have been saying-I have tried to talk to him about my unhappiness on MANY occasions with out validation that my issues are relevant. He always just says "Well, I don't know what to say" or "What do you want me to say" and then I basically just shut down and think whats the point of continuing to state my problems to him when he doesn't really seem like he cares or at the very least give me some feedback. I know you may say "divorce him", well I don't want to do that as we have a child so sometimes I think I will just shut up and do my duties as a mom and be miserable on the inside. Where my fake face and get through the day. Thats when I thought to myself, maybe I can stay keep my daughter happy AND have an affair in order to get the attention I am not getting from my husband. That was the timeline that led me here. Not saying it right but everyone is so quick to say ah divorce he deserves better. As for red flags from him as far as him cheating? I don't know. He so busy with work and overtime that I don't think he would even have the time. But who knows it could be possible. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 Like I have been saying-I have tried to talk to him about my unhappiness on MANY occasions with out validation that my issues are relevant. He always just says "Well, I don't know what to say" or "What do you want me to say" and then I basically just shut down and think whats the point of continuing to state my problems to him when he doesn't really seem like he cares or at the very least give me some feedback. You keep on talking to him until he hears you. Just be honest and straight to the point! "I am unhappy and having urges to cheat. What can we do to become closer in this marriage? Are you happy? Look me in the eye and tell me how you feel." Trust me, as soon as you say you've had thoughts on cheating he WILL react. Don't give up. If you do and choose to cheat, you've just added more issues in your life and none of it will be good. It'll mess you up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheWalkingMan Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 Okay, I didn't think him cheating on me should be in the original post because it doesn't have anything to do with my initial thoughts on cheating. I believe someone asked so it came up. It happened years ago when we were very young so I try not to hold it against him. We had only been together a couple months at that point. BUT I'm sure it doesn't help the situation. All these years I have never had thoughts like this as I have been very much in love with him. Like I have been saying-I have tried to talk to him about my unhappiness on MANY occasions with out validation that my issues are relevant. He always just says "Well, I don't know what to say" or "What do you want me to say" and then I basically just shut down and think whats the point of continuing to state my problems to him when he doesn't really seem like he cares or at the very least give me some feedback. I know you may say "divorce him", well I don't want to do that as we have a child so sometimes I think I will just shut up and do my duties as a mom and be miserable on the inside. Where my fake face and get through the day. Thats when I thought to myself, maybe I can stay keep my daughter happy AND have an affair in order to get the attention I am not getting from my husband. That was the timeline that led me here. Not saying it right but everyone is so quick to say ah divorce he deserves better. As for red flags from him as far as him cheating? I don't know. He so busy with work and overtime that I don't think he would even have the time. But who knows it could be possible. I think a past infidelity can ALWAYS creep up into a situation, even when you least expect it. One thing to be careful of though, do not fall into the common trap of thinking he doesn't have time for an affair. Cheaters MAKE time for their affairs, and sometimes in some crazy ways. Especially since sometimes people cheat with people they work with. So just because your spouse is busy doesn't exactly mean they still couldn't be GETTING busy behind your back, so to speak. I am not saying that is the case, just that you shouldn't let your guard down if he has shown this type of behavior before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 Okay, I didn't think him cheating on me should be in the original post because it doesn't have anything to do with my initial thoughts on cheating. I believe someone asked so it came up. It happened years ago when we were very young so I try not to hold it against him. We had only been together a couple months at that point. BUT I'm sure it doesn't help the situation. All these years I have never had thoughts like this as I have been very much in love with him. Like I have been saying-I have tried to talk to him about my unhappiness on MANY occasions with out validation that my issues are relevant. He always just says "Well, I don't know what to say" or "What do you want me to say" and then I basically just shut down and think whats the point of continuing to state my problems to him when he doesn't really seem like he cares or at the very least give me some feedback. I know you may say "divorce him", well I don't want to do that as we have a child so sometimes I think I will just shut up and do my duties as a mom and be miserable on the inside. Where my fake face and get through the day. Thats when I thought to myself, maybe I can stay keep my daughter happy AND have an affair in order to get the attention I am not getting from my husband. That was the timeline that led me here. Not saying it right but everyone is so quick to say ah divorce he deserves better. As for red flags from him as far as him cheating? I don't know. He so busy with work and overtime that I don't think he would even have the time. But who knows it could be possible. Don't be so hard on yourself. You could have been like me and cheat, but you didn't. Like you, I had never thought about cheating on my H either. I never thought in a million years I'd cheat. Marriage is so hard. I think it's a bit harder when you meet your SO at a young age. You've done the right thing so far. You came to this forum and asked for advice. This is the first step. The next step is to get yourself an IC appointment. Work on getting emotionally strong. I do think you need to talk to your H and improve communication within your M, but I don't believe that's the next step to take. I also believe divorce should be a last resort. Do you love yourself? Besides the thoughts of cheating, you seem to put everyone else above yourself. What do you do for a little me time? Do you exercise? Take hot baths occasionally? You can't abandon yourself just because you're a mommy now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 As for red flags from him as far as him cheating? I don't know. He so busy with work and overtime that I don't think he would even have the time. But who knows it could be possible. Work and overtime are one of the most common excuses. Just check it out. Link to post Share on other sites
pteromom Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 I guess your right, like I know I shouldn't sacrifice my family for this...but I guess I just feel so lost within this life I have created or should I say the life I just let happen around me. I should have ended things years ago I suppose. It just upsetting that this is all there will be for me. Why does your ROMANTIC life have to be everything in your life? Why is it your husband's job to keep you entertained and feeling alive? There is more to life than romance... do OTHER things that fill you up and make you feel happy and full. Volunteer, take painting classes, go on a road trip with girlfriends, learn to dance, start running, write a book... It isn't your husband's job to make your life all it can be. AND - another guy won't do that for you either. All he will do is tangle up your heart and make you confused. He will do nothing but add drama and pain to your life. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 Work and overtime are one of the most common excuses. Just check it out. I agree! I only talked to my exMM at work or late at night when my H was asleep. I am not so sure that he's cheating though. My H also cheated on me within the first 2 years of our R and I know for fact he hasn't done it since. Once a cheater is not always a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
Ebman Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 I'm going to be the ******* that says go for it but don't get caught. You'll find that the grass IS greener on the other side but that's because it's full of ****. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LisaSarah Posted May 7, 2014 Author Share Posted May 7, 2014 Why does your ROMANTIC life have to be everything in your life? Why is it your husband's job to keep you entertained and feeling alive? There is more to life than romance... do OTHER things that fill you up and make you feel happy and full. Volunteer, take painting classes, go on a road trip with girlfriends, learn to dance, start running, write a book... It isn't your husband's job to make your life all it can be. AND - another guy won't do that for you either. All he will do is tangle up your heart and make you confused. He will do nothing but add drama and pain to your life. I agree with this...I do have to cultivate more things for my self individually in life. I do place alot on him to make me happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TheWalkingMan Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 (edited) I'm going to be the ******* that says go for it but don't get caught. You'll find that the grass IS greener on the other side but that's because it's full of ****. Terrible advice, this is never the answer. Why lower yourself to that level? Also that is the thing, getting caught. Sometimes people slip up, and sometimes it can just take the smallest inconsistency for a spouse to become suspicious. I'm sure there have been plenty of spouses who did end up being able to keep a secret like cheating from their spouses, but I would think the ones that truly feel any kind of love for their partners would sooner or later either confess or subconciously out themselves in some manner. If you cheat it is more or less a sign you do not belong with the person you cheated on, so why waste time living a lie? Wouldn't you just want to go find someone you would never cheat on, and who would never do the same to you? Edited May 7, 2014 by TheWalkingMan Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 Lisa Sarah It appears that you have at least started to understand how devastating the results of getting caught cheating will be. But you have to try to stop focusing on all of the reasons you are saying you are miserable or it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. A lot of the confinement you feel is coming from the responsibilities of being a MOM, and not from only your husband. But since no mom wants to blame her kids your resentment or some of it is turning to your husband. Forget divorce or affairs for a minute . There are only two choices here. You either communicate no matter how hard it is with your husband and solve your problems or you will eventually cheat AND be divorced with a child. You must hit him on head with 2x4 if necessary and fight if you want a positive outcome. If he is too pig headed to get it, then do what you need to do but there is no reason to start the process of breaking up with an affair Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 I know this may all seem weird, but what I'm learning through this process of talking to all of you is not that I am falling out of love with my husband but that I am questioning his love for me and the thoughts of cheating are my, albeit wrong, manifestation of that. Like I feel if something that drastic happens maybe he will go crazy at the thought of losing me and suddenly show me this love that I want. I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone. . It makes sense if you believe corny, unrealistic chickflicks. You do realise cheating destroys love and trust and respect right? In other words if you were to cheat, what feelings of love and trust and respect he does have for you would forever be tainted if not actually lost forever. Get off of your pity party for an hour or two and read some of the threads by men cheated on by their wives. Yes you will see some men desperate to hold on to their marriages and who swear their love to their wives - - then in a matter of days or weeks that love and desperation turns to disgust and disdain and despair. What love had been there was destroyed, not revitalized. Read too what all of us advise them to do. Do we encourage them to drop to their knees and profess their love and shower the cheaters with love and devotion and footprints???? No, they are universally advised to lawyer up, remove the WS from the home an make preparations to salvage their homes, children and resources. Reconciliation and recovery are only reccommend in cases where the WS truly wants to recover a happy, healthy marriage and only when they completely come clean on the affair, have true remorse and go completely NC with the OM for life and completely address and correct the issues that lead them to stray in the first place. Even with all those things in place many BS aren't ever able to recover the love and trust etc and leave after a period of time anyway. Many people advise reconciliation is never worth the work and effort and advise never even trying to reconcile but to automatically divorce and move anyway....and they make a very good case for that. I'll go back to what I said in the beginning of this thread, this is a very serious situation and you do have to get his attention and get him to take you seriously. BUT screwing some other dude will just be hammering the final nails into the coffin. My recommendation is something that speaks loudly but is not innately destructive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted May 7, 2014 Share Posted May 7, 2014 Okay, I didn't think him cheating on me should be in the original post because it doesn't have anything to do with my initial thoughts on cheating. I believe someone asked so it came up. It happened years ago when we were very young so I try not to hold it against him. We had only been together a couple months at that point. BUT I'm sure it doesn't help the situation. All these years I have never had thoughts like this as I have been very much in love with him. Like I have been saying-I have tried to talk to him about my unhappiness on MANY occasions with out validation that my issues are relevant. He always just says "Well, I don't know what to say" or "What do you want me to say" and then I basically just shut down and think whats the point of continuing to state my problems to him when he doesn't really seem like he cares or at the very least give me some feedback. I know you may say "divorce him", well I don't want to do that as we have a child so sometimes I think I will just shut up and do my duties as a mom and be miserable on the inside. Where my fake face and get through the day. Thats when I thought to myself, maybe I can stay keep my daughter happy AND have an affair in order to get the attention I am not getting from my husband. That was the timeline that led me here. Not saying it right but everyone is so quick to say ah divorce he deserves better. As for red flags from him as far as him cheating? I don't know. He so busy with work and overtime that I don't think he would even have the time. But who knows it could be possible. Trust your instincts on his not cheating. Cheating is one option among others to respond to strong feelings of disconnection in a marriage. Another is more immersion in your work, and still another More immersion in your kids (or going out every night and drinking etc). My response to my WS was more focussed on our daughter. They have a saying where my wife works, at the university - when someone asked why people worked so many more hours than necessary - "if people are working so many hours here its because they dont want to be somewhere else" It would be a shame if all it was is he felt nothing special being at home so delved into more work to avoid being there, and you were pulling away because he was working too much.... Link to post Share on other sites
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