Want to Cheat on my Husband

[sumathi]

You are very wrong in thinking that you can drive away your boredom by cheating your husband. It is a very dangerous thing to do as it definitely would destroy your marriage. You are not alone in feeling bored with your marriage. Most couples interact only about important family issues and keep their mouth shut otherwise. Do not deviate from your husband. You must realize he is working hard only for you and your daughter. You should talk with him with love so that he too wants to talk to you. Show your love and care openly and you will soon see him reacting to it in a way you long for.

[EverLastluv]

I am 30 years old and been with my husband for about 9 years. We recently had a child a little over a year ago. I am so incredibly bored of him... I almost feel like I am falling out of love with him. He is so concerned with making money and his job that everything else, like romance or interesting conversations have just disappeared. I feel like we never have 'real conversations' and that he doesn't really even care about what I truly want out of life. He just wants to live this simple life where we talk about nothing important, take care of our daughter, and work. Yes, I know what you think 'well that's life'. And I know logically that is true. But I just get so sick of talking about our daughter's eating habits and what bills need to be paid. I feel trapped and isolated and sometimes think cheating would be an excellent escape to this mundane life I lead. Someone new who will actually care about what I think and listen to my hopes and dreams. I guess I'm just feeling as though I let my life slip through my fingers in order to be in this relationship and have lost excitement for my future. Please know I wish I didn't feel this way and know I am being selfish, but I would appreciate any advice or some insight. Thanks.

 

I understand how you feel. I was married since I was 18 yrs, my daughter came alon at 25years old. All my ex husband was focused was making money. I was driving a patfinder at 18yr, I had a house etc financially I was well up to date. When I approach him about the fact of our love is fading away his words was " what love has to do with marriage" so what is marriage? without love? so I decided to leave ... I left him with everything house, land etc. We have joint costody for my daughter.

 

It took me 8years alone taking caring for my daughter as a single mom. Now I engaged to be married. The truth is every relationsip has its ups and down! Its not easy! Its a strugle re-building a new relationship. At first its sweet and lovley after that, you have to work hard to keep it going. Thats my side of the story....... the same bla bla bla you will ended up dealing wih

[violet1]

Well LisaSarah. Im not going to beat you up because you have emotions.

 

Perhaps what has happened to your marriage (forget all that stuff that this is about you and only you, your marriage is on pause and you know it. It's not what you feel, it is what it is) is that it has moved into what is called "Child centred marriage". There is a lot of literature on this. A TON. Don't let this be about YOU, this is about the TWO OF YOU. The decision about what to do about this marriage falls on both of you, the decision to see an affair as an option falls entirely on your shoulders. But the decision to turn back inwards and do something as a couple needs to be done by both.

 

Oh of course, you could take up a hobby. But Ill take a wild guess that knitting mittens for the newborn is not going to fill the emotional space you are talking about right now.

 

So yeah, do some things to fill your free time, but this will NOT IN THE LEAST SOLVE or JUMP-START YOUR MARRIAGE.

 

People can live in child centred marriages for many years. And it isn't just you that is at risk of an affair, your husband (if he chose to) could easily have the same feelings.

 

Some resources:

 

Esther Perel: "Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic + the Domestic"

(There is a great chapter called: Parenthood: When Three threatens Two)

 

Mort Fertel: Marriagemax.com (Marriage Fitness. He hates therapists. He loves going straight to the solution to happiness without talking about what "went wrong" and focussing on how to be where you need to be.

 

Michelle Langley (womensinfidelity.com) Check out on the first page her thoughts on Limbo. The 4 stages. You are in stage 1; DONT GET INTO STAGE 2!!! (Doesn't have to be only about sex) If you feel her words resonate strongly with what you are going through, I recommend using google to find her books in PDF version (i.e. free) and read them. They are awesome eyeopeners. And they are more fun to read than 50 shades of Grey.

 

My feeling is your husband is not going to see going to a MC like much fun. You need to find solutions that bring happiness and joy and intimacy, above all intimacy BACK into the marriage. The last place Im going to look for intimacy is in a white walled room at some local marriage clinic. The first place is going to be up close and intimate with my Spouse.

Great advice! I've been reading Michelle Langley's books and they've helped me a lot. I think what happens with a lot of women is that we get certain ideas in our head on how we think marriage and family should be. It can be devastated when life turns out the exact opposite of what we expected.

 

When I got married, my H and I had so many plans and dreams. I just thought that as long as we love each other everything will fall into place and we will always be okay. I was wrong! I got the shock of my life when none of our plans turned out the way I expected. I became very unhappy, but my husband wasn't unhappy. He looked at what we were going through as normal. Instead of trying to understand each other and get on the same page, we did a lot of pointless arguing. I started questioning everything. Wondering if he and I were right for each other.

 

Like the OP, I started fantasizing about having an A. It became a very heavy fantasy before I actually did cheat. Now, I wish I had beg my H to go to counselling at this time. I wish I had really talked to him and made him understand how unhappy I was. We might have been able to figure it out together. Instead, I took in my own hands and cheated.

 

OP, do NOT go down this road. If you think you're confused now. Just add an affair to the mix and you'll feel confusion and pain you've never experienced before. I became very addicted to my exMOM. I loved the attention and the rush. It made me feel so alive, but it's deceiving. The rush and excitement doesn't last for long. Then you basically have two partial relationships to deal with and it's a mess. It took me two D Days to pull my head out of my behind. Now my H and I are in R and I'm trying to fix the mess I made. You've been warned. Carefully tread this one. I wish you peace.

[violet1]

Cheating is never the answer, why drop yourself to that level? Leave the marriage or try to fix it, but don't cheat. The very fact that you WANT to do this is a major red flag.

I disagree. I think it's natural to have bad thoughts or inappropriate fantasies. It's when it becomes an obsession or act upon that it's bad. I don't know how many time I've wanted to punch someone, but I didn't do it.

[fellini]

Great advice! I've been reading Michelle Langley's books and they've helped me a lot. I think what happens with a lot of women is that we get certain ideas in our head on how we think marriage and family should be. It can be devastated when life turns out the exact opposite of what we expected.

 

When asked why she focused on women (I read her books 3 times, and am just getting back to them a fourth time!) - other than that is where her research is, she said something interesting about the gender differences that struck me as interesting, although being male, I have no way to verify it.

 

Essentially she says this: women are brought up to fantasize ABOUT getting married. They are sold the whole Disney Princess concept. Marriage is a REWARD for them and untold riches will come of it.

 

Men are brought up to resist getting married. That marriage is "a ball and chain" and the end of their youth. That marriage means kids means no more fun. Men are taught to avoid "popping the question" for as long as possible. EVEN THEN, they are sold on the idea, well, you've sure sown your wild oats now haven't you, "it's about time to settle down right".... And many tell themselves the same thing. (aka Cat Stevens "Father and Son")

 

So when women actually enter into a marriage two things:

1) There are no fireworks after the honeymoon

2) The fairy tale has ended. They don't tell you what comes AFTER, the "happily ever after".

So women feel an enormous disappointment about the huge expectation compared to the actual thing, the day to day of married life.

 

Men, already taught that marriage is going to be horrible, are pleasantly surprised that it's not all that bad. It's bearable. There is no ball there is no chain. This is cool. Money for something and my sex for free.

 

Add in to that mix that men have their sexual peek much earlier than women and you have a recipe for disaster for many marriages that simply drift through living the dream.

 

Food for thought, at least.

Edited May 6, 2014 by fellini

[LisaSarah]

Wow thank you all for your thoughts...and I have thought that maybe it had something to do with PPD. But I don't know- it's like I'm on a roller coaster with my emotions. Some days up other days real down and I guess I don't really know what the problem is. I just think back to when I was younger and my relationship was new and I was happy. I had so much to look forward to. And it is like Violet1 said...I thought we were going to be this awesome couple that is in love and fulfill BOTH of our dreams together. I don't even know if he really has any dreams besides working and making money. He almost makes me feel like I'm immature about the things I want to do. That I should just be a boring ass mom, that is now my assignment in life, so I've stopped even trying to talk to him about it. And that's kinda of how I have gotten about everything. He never responds the way I want him too...so I just don't even bother...like sometimes I say things just to get a rise out of him and it's just like his passion for me is gone. I almost think my thoughts of cheating are to try and get him to show a little fear that he might lose me, I hate that he just takes me for granted. I guess I should feel happy that he's that comfortable, but sometimes he is too comfortable. I mean he never even bought me an engament ring or had a real wedding like he promised. You know why? Because it doesn't serve him. He doesn't care if we have a wedding so I guess we will never have one.

 

What it really comes down to is that our whole relationship all I have done is things to make him happy. I've moved, had a baby because that's what he wanted. I even forgave him cheating in the beginning of our relationship and I just feel as though my happiness doesn't matter to him. As long as I put on my mask and trudge through the daily bull**** of life and keep my mouth shut he is happy. And now that we have a kid it's even worse. He is an awesome dad but just a very bad husband. Of course my daughter is number one. My entire day/life revolves around her as does his which is good, but also part of the problem.

 

Maybe he is bored to, who knows, but honestly he would rather just pretend everything is okay then talk it out. When I have told him in the past how I feel he just shuts down which only increases my anxiety about everything. I think he just think u grow up, get a wife, get a house, have a baby, and that's it. And you know what I'm realizing through everything is that I am boring like someone said, miserably boring, and have let myself get boring by focusing so much on him that I have lost myself.

 

Oldshirt you are also right on many things. I am 'being a girl' about soooo many things. I guess I just want that man back that would do anything for me and was afraid to lose me. But that ship has sailed I suppose.

 

I think I will look into getting some counseling. I gotta get my head to together because my mind has been consumed by thoughts that the last 10 years of my life have been a mistake and I constantly obsess over should haves and could haves that I have no room in my head to see the blessings I have in my life. Blaaaah. I just don't know where to go.

[fellini]

Wow. That is so much more a snapshot of your life!

 

Ill tell you that my wife started her A with a 1.5 year infatuation and emotional affair. She slowly drained our marriage of anything exciting. In doing this, I became a great dad, because I found that my enjoyment of our daughter at 7-9 years was fantastic. So I didnt miss, or notice that I wasn't getting emotional attention from my WS. And so no flags went off.

 

The relationship between my wife and her daughter suffered. Oh things were fine when she was at home at night to put her to bed, but little else. And then the yelling at her for the smallest things. Pathetic. One of the first things she needed to work on was recovering the lost daughter she abandoned in order to focus on her affair partner.

 

I became the richer for it. We are as thick as thieves. And my wife sees that as the consequence of her affair, not some power-tripping daddy who stole mommies little girl.

 

Maybe try to get a copy of the movie Little Children by Todd Field to watch together. Now there is a brilliant movie that tells the life of a housewife and househusband who end up in an affair because of the very things you speak of here. Maybe that will give you a wedge to talk about "are we heading there honey?"

 

Well. Best of luck.

 

Wow thank you all for your thoughts...and I have thought that maybe it had something to do with PPD. But I don't know- it's like I'm on a roller coaster with my emotions. Some days up other days real down and I guess I don't really know what the problem is. I just think back to when I was younger and my relationship was new and I was happy. I had so much to look forward to. And it is like Violet1 said...I thought we were going to be this awesome couple that is in love and fulfill BOTH of our dreams together. I don't even know if he really has any dreams besides working and making money. He almost makes me feel like I'm immature about the things I want to do. That I should just be a boring ass mom, that is now my assignment in life, so I've stopped even trying to talk to him about it. And that's kinda of how I have gotten about everything. He never responds the way I want him too...so I just don't even bother...like sometimes I say things just to get a rise out of him and it's just like his passion for me is gone. I almost think my thoughts of cheating are to try and get him to show a little fear that he might lose me, I hate that he just takes me for granted. I guess I should feel happy that he's that comfortable, but sometimes he is too comfortable. I mean he never even bought me an engament ring or had a real wedding like he promised. You know why? Because it doesn't serve him. He doesn't care if we have a wedding so I guess we will never have one.

 

What it really comes down to is that our whole relationship all I have done is things to make him happy. I've moved, had a baby because that's what he wanted. I even forgave him cheating in the beginning of our relationship and I just feel as though my happiness doesn't matter to him. As long as I put on my mask and trudge through the daily bull**** of life and keep my mouth shut he is happy. And now that we have a kid it's even worse. He is an awesome dad but just a very bad husband. Of course my daughter is number one. My entire day/life revolves around her as does his which is good, but also part of the problem.

 

Maybe he is bored to, who knows, but honestly he would rather just pretend everything is okay then talk it out. When I have told him in the past how I feel he just shuts down which only increases my anxiety about everything. I think he just think u grow up, get a wife, get a house, have a baby, and that's it. And you know what I'm realizing through everything is that I am boring like someone said, miserably boring, and have let myself get boring by focusing so much on him that I have lost myself.

 

Oldshirt you are also right on many things. I am 'being a girl' about soooo many things. I guess I just want that man back that would do anything for me and was afraid to lose me. But that ship has sailed I suppose.

 

I think I will look into getting some counseling. I gotta get my head to together because my mind has been consumed by thoughts that the last 10 years of my life have been a mistake and I constantly obsess over should haves and could haves that I have no room in my head to see the blessings I have in my life. Blaaaah. I just don't know where to go.

[stillafool]

OP what do you want to do that you aren't getting the chance to do? Do you want a career? Do you want to go back to school? How old are you and your husband?

[EverLastluv]

CHEATING: Is not something someone wants to do! So I think the lable on this post is wrong.

 

The point is, how would you feel when ur husband/wife dont want to have sex with you? Loving someone is showing them you care and part of that is making love not (( when you try to have a good time and all you get is negative vibe)) it just pushes a person away. The intention of fulfilling your desire is still there, so whats next is going out there looking for someone who would make you feel sexually attractive. ( the word is not cheating) its is simply making your self happy!

[Owl]

Wow thank you all for your thoughts...and I have thought that maybe it had something to do with PPD. But I don't know- it's like I'm on a roller coaster with my emotions. Some days up other days real down and I guess I don't really know what the problem is. I just think back to when I was younger and my relationship was new and I was happy. I had so much to look forward to. And it is like Violet1 said...I thought we were going to be this awesome couple that is in love and fulfill BOTH of our dreams together. I don't even know if he really has any dreams besides working and making money. He almost makes me feel like I'm immature about the things I want to do. That I should just be a boring ass mom, that is now my assignment in life, so I've stopped even trying to talk to him about it. And that's kinda of how I have gotten about everything. He never responds the way I want him too...so I just don't even bother...like sometimes I say things just to get a rise out of him and it's just like his passion for me is gone. I almost think my thoughts of cheating are to try and get him to show a little fear that he might lose me, I hate that he just takes me for granted. I guess I should feel happy that he's that comfortable, but sometimes he is too comfortable. I mean he never even bought me an engament ring or had a real wedding like he promised. You know why? Because it doesn't serve him. He doesn't care if we have a wedding so I guess we will never have one.

 

What it really comes down to is that our whole relationship all I have done is things to make him happy. I've moved, had a baby because that's what he wanted. I even forgave him cheating in the beginning of our relationship and I just feel as though my happiness doesn't matter to him. As long as I put on my mask and trudge through the daily bull**** of life and keep my mouth shut he is happy. And now that we have a kid it's even worse. He is an awesome dad but just a very bad husband. Of course my daughter is number one. My entire day/life revolves around her as does his which is good, but also part of the problem.

 

Maybe he is bored to, who knows, but honestly he would rather just pretend everything is okay then talk it out. When I have told him in the past how I feel he just shuts down which only increases my anxiety about everything. I think he just think u grow up, get a wife, get a house, have a baby, and that's it. And you know what I'm realizing through everything is that I am boring like someone said, miserably boring, and have let myself get boring by focusing so much on him that I have lost myself.

 

Oldshirt you are also right on many things. I am 'being a girl' about soooo many things. I guess I just want that man back that would do anything for me and was afraid to lose me. But that ship has sailed I suppose.

 

I think I will look into getting some counseling. I gotta get my head to together because my mind has been consumed by thoughts that the last 10 years of my life have been a mistake and I constantly obsess over should haves and could haves that I have no room in my head to see the blessings I have in my life. Blaaaah. I just don't know where to go.

 

I'm going to make a different reading selection.

 

The Five Love Languages, by Chapman.

 

Specifically, start out with reading chapter 3, and the 'stages' of love.

 

It sounds to me like you expected your relationship to remain in the "limerance" phase...where you're both madly in love with each other.

 

Many people make this mistake.

 

Love doesn't do that, however. Love has many phases, many stages...and it's constantly changing.

 

It also sounds to me like you, and your husband, neither know how to truly make your partner feel loved by you.

 

Marriage counseling, with a focus on what I'm suggesting here, is your best bet.

 

I'd not rule out PPD either...or even just 'regular' depression. Talk with your doctor, consider IC as well...but MC is focused on fixing things within the realm of your marriage, and if you want to give your child a chance for a stable family life, start with that.

 

This all starts with you taking action to fix things as they are, before taking actions such as cheating that will destroy things rather than rebuild them.

 

Check out the book I'm suggesting...and start looking for a marriage counselor.

 

What have you got to lose?

[violet1]

If you have natural thoughts about wanting to cheat there is a problem. You shouldn't want to cheat, period. Doesn't mean you won't find other people attractive, but you sure as heck will not be seriously considering cheating.

 

You talk about wanting to punch someone, but not actually giving in and doing it. If I am with a girl and she is having a hard time NOT sleeping with other people..I see that as a big problem, because it shouldn't be that hard.

Humans aren't monogamous creatures in nature. Luckily, we have the intelligence to possess self-control. Being monogamous is a choice. I don't see having thoughts of cheating as a big deal unless it becomes an obsession. If you can't get it out of your head than I see it as a problem IMHO.

[LisaSarah]

We're both 30. He is set in his career while I have kinda gone from job to job and now that we have a baby I can only work part time as we cannot afford full daycare. So he works early afternoon to nights and I work early days so we have opposite work schedules. I would like to go back to school for a certain certification and also would like to get into a real career at some point. I have my masters degree and feel like all my schooling is turning out to be a waste. I also feel like because he makes most of the money he has the upper hand and almost treats me like a child when it comes to how I spend the little money I do make, always checking my spending and such.

 

I have also always wanted to travel. And because of lack of money and now having a baby I feel that dream may never be realized. And if he at least would validate my feelings on that I would appreciate that he at least acknowledges me. Instead the way he responds is as though what I want is insignificant or childish. That I'm living in some fantasy world where I travel the planet. I just would like to take one trip a year. But he just wants to hoard our money. I guess what I just want is to feel like what I want out of life is important. Sometimes I just wish I made enough money to control my own life but being limited on when I can work makes that impossible.

 

I think that fact that his family is crazy and always causing drama makes everything that much more exhausting. There is always fighting and he never sticks up for me when it comes to his family which makes me again feel like I will never be his priority. There have been a few things that have happened where I feel he should have been very vocal in defending me but he would rather sit back and not make waves than defend his wife which demonstrates to me that I will never come first even if I am in the right. And I am trust me I'm not just only seeing my side.

 

I just feel that with the baby my life is very limited and he is not willing to work with me to get to a place where we can both be happy with our spot in this life. Its like he always come first and what I want will always come second.

[violet1]

Oh my gosh! My M was in a very similar state as yours when I was heavily fantasizing having an affair. I had the same family issues. He never stood up for me or validate my feelings. You need to nip this in the bud, girl. Otherwise you will start to resent him. I strongly suggest MC, but if you're not ready for that start with IC. If you don't act now, your problems will escalate. He might not see your hopes and dreams as a big deal. My H didn't realize how important certain things were to me. Now we are making plans for the future together, but I wished I pushed the issues sooner. Please don't try to rug sweep, deal with these issues head on.

[LisaSarah]

Thank you for your thoughts I will definitely look into the readings that were suggested I think I will start IC as I don't know if I could get him to go to MC. I guess I am sort of under the illusion that our fun lovey dovey phase should last and am mourning the loss of it. Instead of dealing with it maturely I was thinking about getting those feelings again any way possible, even with another man. I do need to talk to him because this is not going to go away. I just wish I wasn't the one who had to always talk about our relationship. I kinda of adapted the mentality that if he doesn't care than why should I. It is draining to pour it all out and get nothing back. Than my spiteful brain thinks if he won't listen I will just find someone that will.

[LisaSarah]

Yes I suppose your right. I know I am being childish and spiteful in wanting to cheat and at the same time don't want him to treat like a child but it has gotten to the point where I have mentioned things to him and things don't get better and I feel like I can't just up and leave him becAuse of our baby so my mind led me to the cheating. Keeping my family and also find happiness with another man. Which after reading the posts on here is just not possible and obviously not fair to my husband. I think ultimately I will start working on myself and creating my own happiness and talk to him also. Like I've said I feel I have been so hyper focused on making him happy in the past I forgot about what I wanted out life and am now starting to resent him for it when it is ultimately my fault. This I believe may be the first issue I need to reconcile in order to tackle the rest.

[LisaSarah]

Luvvy I definitely think you are right in the sense of long term-resentments. I'm mad at myself for fixating on our relationship and letting my other desires in life fall to the side. Logically I know this is not his fault but he is an easy scapegoat. And now that the love glow has worn off all my wants in life that I haven't achieved are bombarding me and consuming my mind.

 

Your also right about an affair not solving the issues I mentioned. I just need to get it together.

[violet1]

Thank you for your thoughts I will definitely look into the readings that were suggested I think I will start IC as I don't know if I could get him to go to MC. I guess I am sort of under the illusion that our fun lovey dovey phase should last and am mourning the loss of it. Instead of dealing with it maturely I was thinking about getting those feelings again any way possible, even with another man. I do need to talk to him because this is not going to go away. I just wish I wasn't the one who had to always talk about our relationship. I kinda of adapted the mentality that if he doesn't care than why should I. It is draining to pour it all out and get nothing back. Than my spiteful brain thinks if he won't listen I will just find someone that will.

I thought the exact same way. I felt like my H didn't care. I literally stopped caring and I thought an escape would be the answer. It's not though. In actuality, my H did care. He and I were on two different wave lengths. I used to always initiate the relationship talks too. The fact is, my H didn't see anything wrong in our M. Since I didn't discuss it with him, he thought it was all great. He thought our problems were normal. He wasn't thrilled about M counselling either, but he knew that we had to go if we wanted to save our M. You need to tell your H how unhappy you are. Let him know how you feel when he doesn't defend you. Tell him that you're not sure your M is going to make it and that it's important to you to give MC is shot. Do IC no matter what he chooses. If he's not willing to put forth the effort to fix your M than you need to strongly think about ending your M. I know it sucks and honestly cheating is the easier way to go. It's the coward's way. Believe me, it would be better to state how you feel or D than to cheat. Do NOT go the path I went on. I hope you continue you to post.

[drifter777]

LisaSarah: your husband working 2nd shift is a relationship killer. He isn't there for dinner, to help with the child, to relax and spend adult time with you - it's just horrible. He probably comes home tired & frazzled and pretty much only wants to communicate when you are having sex. If this sounds like it fits your situation - even a little bit - get him to change his shift and work "normal" 8 - 5 kind of hours. His responsibilities go way, way beyond putting food on the table and a roof over your heads; he needs to be an active parent and husband and its really hard to do when your gone during the traditional family hours. This could be a great way to begin to address just how unhappy you are with your current situation. He needs to know how desperately important this is for you. No matter how much you think you've talked to him about this and tried to make him understand it isn't enough until you make him understand your marriage is in real danger. You might think you can get his attention by sleeping with another guy - and you will - but that path leads to hell for both of you. Make him understand what you are making us understand.

[veritas lux mea]

LisaSarah: your husband working 2nd shift is a relationship killer. He isn't there for dinner, to help with the child, to relax and spend adult time with you - it's just horrible. He probably comes home tired & frazzled and pretty much only wants to communicate when you are having sex. If this sounds like it fits your situation - even a little bit - get him to change his shift and work "normal" 8 - 5 kind of hours. His responsibilities go way, way beyond putting food on the table and a roof over your heads; he needs to be an active parent and husband and its really hard to do when your gone during the traditional family hours. This could be a great way to begin to address just how unhappy you are with your current situation. He needs to know how desperately important this is for you. No matter how much you think you've talked to him about this and tried to make him understand it isn't enough until you make him understand your marriage is in real danger. You might think you can get his attention by sleeping with another guy - and you will - but that path leads to hell for both of you. Make him understand what you are making us understand.

 

This is a good post. I have seen so many marriages damaged by conflicting schedules. And messed up priorities. But don't cheat because that is the proverbal out of the frying pan.

[LisaSarah]

Yes I definitely think his schedule is a big contributer to the problems. I keep telling him life would be so much more "normal" if he would just change his hours (which have been this way for years) but he says how much he likes these hours in terms of who he works with and what the job entails in the evening hours vs the morning, sooo I don't harp on it because I don't want him to be unhappy! I want him to be happy and I know that may seem contradictory with my original statement of wanting to cheat but I can't explain it. If working the night shift is what he wants I feel bad asking him to change his hours....or at least when it was just me..maybe now with the baby he will take my request more seriously.

 

No he never talks about the other woman...it was a drunken one night stand that he confessed to and felt terrible about. I always wonder though if there is another girl that he considers "the one that got away" as he is always weird when anything comes up about her. But he never really talks about her. It is funny you bring that up though because I have been thinking lately if the reason he never proposed or gave me a ring is because I'm just the one he ended up with and not the love of his life or whatever as if the situation was ever reversed he would have a ring years ago.

 

I know this may all seem weird, but what I'm learning through this process of talking to all of you is not that I am falling out of love with my husband but that I am questioning his love for me and the thoughts of cheating are my, albeit wrong, manifestation of that. Like I feel if something that drastic happens maybe he will go crazy at the thought of losing me and suddenly show me this love that I want. I don't know if any of this makes sense to anyone.

 

Maybe this lies within some sort of insecurity as I don't feel very good about my self lately either.

 

As for the money thing. I don't know, he just wants to save it for a rainy day or something.

[soccerrprp]

I am 30 years old and been with my husband for about 9 years. We recently had a child a little over a year ago. I am so incredibly bored of him... I almost feel like I am falling out of love with him. He is so concerned with making money and his job that everything else, like romance or interesting conversations have just disappeared. I feel like we never have 'real conversations' and that he doesn't really even care about what I truly want out of life. He just wants to live this simple life where we talk about nothing important, take care of our daughter, and work. Yes, I know what you think 'well that's life'. And I know logically that is true. But I just get so sick of talking about our daughter's eating habits and what bills need to be paid. I feel trapped and isolated and sometimes think cheating would be an excellent escape to this mundane life I lead. Someone new who will actually care about what I think and listen to my hopes and dreams. I guess I'm just feeling as though I let my life slip through my fingers in order to be in this relationship and have lost excitement for my future. Please know I wish I didn't feel this way and know I am being selfish, but I would appreciate any advice or some insight. Thanks.

 

What you claim your husband wants is what destroys relationships. That's not how it SHOULD be. Your feelings of disappointment are legitimate, but your desire to cheat is not commendable. Tell him how you feel and if he doesn't change for the better and for good, you will have to make more mature decisions that doesn't include cheating. Good luck.

[LisaSarah]

Thank you all for your insight I think I am going to just worry about myself for a little while, maybe if I start feeling better about things within me I can better communicate to him what I want. As of right now when I try to talk him we literally get nowhere. I think if I am coming from a better place I may come off more rational when I talk about our issues. Because honestly from his perspective I think he also thinks I'm just a bored mother who wants to nag. So if I get my **** together and stop being personally depressed maybe I talk about us? I don't know. I just am at a point where I don't feel like I can talk about the same issue again and risk him not responding because then I feel I might completely shut down. But I do appreciate the advice and will look into the readings and all of the other suggestions.

[henson]

TRUE... now! We see your urge too cheat isn't malicious rather its a defence mechanism.It would be prudent to install keylogger on his computer to get access to fb, email, cellphone.

 

Just suspecting and looking do little help to this relationship. Monitor his phone messages and online activities is the best way.

[waterwoman]

Hi Lisa,

 

if you look after yourself for a while, sort out your mood (be it depression or PPD or something else), you will be able to look at the world in a different way. IME depression finds all the weak points in your life and focuses on them to the exclusion of all else - focusing on the weak point isn't a bad thing if you also have the energy and strength to do something about them, but depression also tends to sap all of your energy and strength so that it all becomes an impossible puzzle. The desire to cheat is your way of wiping the puzzle pieces off the table so you don't have to deal with them - but of course you will have to eventually and the puzzle will be so much harder to solve.

 

I can so empathise with that doubt in your mind about not being the one your H really wants. Most of us on this board can. Cheating really does an number on the BS - be it ONS or not.

 

Once you are clearer in your head you may well gain some energy and determination. Then I thnik is the time to tackle your H, lay it all out on the table, how he his cheating hurt you, how you have felt doubt about his love for you, how his preferences for working those shifts have damaged your relationship. Suggest MC. Don't allow him to avoid these issues - and of course he will have his own issues to bring to the table, don't avoid them either!

 

Good luck x

[Realist3]

TRUE... now! We see your urge too cheat isn't malicious rather its a defence mechanism.It would be prudent to install keylogger on his computer to get access to fb, email, cellphone.

 

My thoughts exactly. I'm not saying he is cheating, but the fact that he has in the past, and his current behaviors are enough to warrant at least some investigation.