Want to Cheat on my Husband

[SoulStorm]

It is not about sex at all.

It may not be about sex for you, but it will definitely be about sex for your affair partner. Most women cheaters will trade sex just to keep the attention because the male cheater wants it. 9 times out of 10 the female cheaters want it too after their emotional needs have been filled.

 

Not about sex? Don't be so sure.

[Fluttershy]

Don't cheat. Read some stories on here of people who have and see how messed up they are. Very few talk of unicorns and rainbows.

 

Get into IC and work on you. Finding happiness eithin you.

 

Love is not enough to stop cheating. You should not want to cheat because it goes against your morals and who you are. If you thinking, lying, decption, sneaking around, betrayal and reaking promises are okay then maybe you need to work on your ethics. If you don't then don't go against your moral compass.

 

The journey is not one you want to put your child or husband theough and definetly not one you want to put yoursel through.

 

Don't entertain this idea for you.

[oldshirt]

.

 

Ultimately I just need to let him know how serious my thoughts have come but I wish it didn't have to come to this to get him to show me he cares. It makes it seemed forced to me.

.

 

 

 

This statement right here tells me that I am right on the money. You are being a girl. You are wanting him to magically know what you need and just deliver it do to his innate actions without you saying a word or lifting a finger to do it.

 

 

It just doesn't work that way once life gets more complicated with careers and bills and car repairs and kids and diapers and daycare etc etc. You have to actually address it directly and be heard.

 

 

That's hard and difficult to do. I didn't hear my wife until we were in counseling discussing terms of divorce even though the things she was saying, she had said a hundred times before (and quite frankly I was saying things that I had said a hundred times and she didn't hear me. You have to actually listen and try to understand him too)

 

 

And yes, I concede that there will come a time you will feel some resentment that things had to come this far to get him to step up to the plate.....do it anyway.

 

 

The natural, flowing, mindreading feelings of love are in the early stages of the relationship. After years of jobs and bills and house repairs and kids and diapers and trips to the pediatrician etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc you have to actually put work and effort into it and you have to come out and say it directly and get into each other's face and make the other person hear you.

 

 

....and you have to shut your mouth at times and really listen and put forth effort to understand where he is coming from too.

 

 

It ain't easy and it ain't without work. If everything was all natural, flowing feelings of love and warmth and fulfillment we'd all be living in wedded bliss our whole lives. Find me one frick'n couple that has been married more than a couple years that has children that is living in 24/7 wedded bliss. I guarantee you there isn't one out there.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you all for responding. I hear you all loud and clear. I guess my wanting to cheat has more do with my own unhappiness with my life and how it has turned out and I guess I'm trying to put all the blame on my husband.

 

Then you need to change something so you'll feel happier. How old is your child? Is it possible you're suffering from PPD?

I feel like I have failed myself by not fulfilling many of my life dreams- which many I can't chase any longer now that I am a mother. I know that was my choice and I accept the consequences, but I think of my younger years and how I had all this time and opportunity and instead I followed my husband around while he realized his dreams and mine went out the window. Which again I know it is my fault but can't help finding myself feeling resentful.

Just because you're a mother doesn't mean your life stops. People put their lives on hold and their kids come first, sure you give some things up but that doesn't mean you sit alone and just be a mom and a wife. You need friends and hobbies or even a job to live and feel fulfilled. Look at the positives instead of the negatives. You have a family and that is something special.

Where my issues lie with him is that I guess I feel neglected in many ways and that he just takes me for granted. There was a point in time when I was crazy crazy about him. And I still love him very much. But I don't have full confidence that he has the same love for me that I have for him and it makes me feel bad about myself. It is a pretty sad epiphany to come to that the person your married to doesn't love you nearly as much as you love them. I know your thinking how can I love him but want to cheat on him- well I guess I just want that attention as pathetic as it is

 

You need to talk to him about this stuff. Seems you two don't communicate or talk deep very much.

Now that we have our child-sometimes I just feel like I might as well be invisible. Yes, we parent together but he is never really concerned what is going on with me or whats going on in my head. He would rather just avoid me than talk about anything. Then when I am so full that everything just bursts out, he'll say something like, "Well, I don't know what to say." Which makes me feel even ****tier because he doesn't even have the feelings to come up with a thoughtful answer.

 

Start owning your part in this and speak up! Even if he doesn't get it the first time, keep on going. Write him a letter (say what you said on here) and give to him to read, sit beside and then ask him to write you a letter back if he can't openly look you in the eyes and talk to you about all this. Fight hard for your marriage, and your family. Ask him to fight hard too.

I'm just feeling trapped. I don't know where to turn. I feel like I put all my effort into making him happy over the years and he only does things that serve both of our happiness. Nothing is ever just about me...maybe I am just being selfish again who knows. Or immature. I don't know, all I know is that I am not happy.

 

I honestly don't even know if I could ever go through with it, I just posted to get some insight, which I thank all of you for.

 

Marriage counseling can help. Don't give up and speak from your heart with him.

[whichwayisup]

There is much to our story that I am not telling because I don't know if it relevant or not. Ultimately I just need to let him know how serious my thoughts have come but I wish it didn't have to come to this to get him to show me he cares. It makes it seemed forced to me. But I will try and talk to him and I am not trying to be cruel- it has just crossed my mind which I thought I could come on here and get an outsiders view on things since these thoughts are not usual for me.

If you feel comfortable, share it, it might be relevant as to why you two aren't feeling it for one another, maybe there's more going on..? Have you met someone else particular and this is why you're thinking affair?

 

Bolded, then tell him that. You both need to learn to communicate and listen (aka "hear") each other so life can be happier for both of you. I doubt he's totally happy and maybe feeling as you are, so why not try to fix all this.

[Friskyone4u]

Lisa Sarah

After reading your responses to all the posts, it appears to me that it is even more urgent that you get your husbands attention, NO MATTER what that means saying. If this constant dwelling on what you have sacrificed for your husband keeps occupying all of your thought process, you WILL have an affair with someone. I would also urge you at this time NOT to put yourself in a position where circumstances can lead to ONS, like a girls drunken night out or solitary lunches with male work mates who may be flirting with you. Once youet that happen, the web of lies will begin and your life will unravel.

She this problem first one way or the other . It will be easier in the long run

[oldshirt]

It may not be about sex for you, but it will definitely be about sex for your affair partner. Most women cheaters will trade sex just to keep the attention because the male cheater wants it. 9 times out of 10 the female cheaters want it too after their emotional needs have been filled.

 

Not about sex? Don't be so sure.

 

 

 

She's being sincere when she says it's about the attention and the acceptance and being listed to and validated etc etc instead of about orgasms.

 

 

The thing is, sex is concentrated attention and acceptance and validation etc on steroids.

 

 

But yes you are correct, for the affair partner it will be about getting some ass. Attention and acceptance and listening to her problems and listening to her dreams and telling her how great she is and how cute and smart she is and how her husband is an idiot for neglecting her is just to price he pays till his nuts are drained and he is ready to move on to the next one.

[goumao]

OP it makes me sad to read read your post!

 

Essentially what your saying is you and your husband are having some marriage issues (normal issues i reckon), and you're solution is to sleep with another man!

 

Its just crazy! Your husband may be ignoring you but he also has been preparing to support a child and probably is feeling a lot of pressure. He may be constantly worried about money and that will affect his sex drive etc.

 

By cheating on him you will destroy his world and your own world. You will feel guilt and regret for a long time, he will feel anger, confusion and lose his self confidence also for a long time. How will you tell your family the reason you got divorced? will you even tell them or lie to them? Will you tell your friends the reason you got divorced or will you lie to them also? Will you move out of your current home after the divorce, or will your husband?

 

Why not stop blaming your husband and risk losing everything. Why not work on what you have already. Buy some sexy underwear, try something new in the bedroom, why don't you initiate sex more. There are a million things you could try to spice up your family life!

 

Fix what you have for f%$# sake.

[gettingstronger]

My guess is you got to this place of boredom together-he feels like he is fulfilling the life you two mapped out together-talk to him, spice things up a bit-get a sitter and have some fun-if you can figure out the logistics to have an affair, you can figure out the logistics of a few date nights-mostly, just talk to him!

[Michelle ma Belle]

I doubt you will take advice to heart. You will do want you want to do.

 

In essence you are a coward. Please don't take this as beating up on you.

If you cannot communicate how you feel to your husband about how you feel then it's on you.

 

I get the impression you are passive aggressive, instead of dealing with the issues in your marriage, you're looking for cheap validation.

 

Cheating is easy, a no brainer. Anyone can cheat and there are plenty of people out there who will sign up to be you're accomplice in deceit.

 

Your solution is a train wreck waiting to happen. The risk of blowing up your life, your husband's life and the precious child you brought into the world deserve better. Are they just collateral damage because you don't have courage to really either fix your marriage or leave it with authenticity.

 

Really....a husband and boyfriend on th side. Are you that special that one man is not enough for you. You want a one sided open marriage without giving your husband his reality. He gets no vote or say in his reality. It's apparent hs reality is insignificant comarped to the jostling you intend to engineer in getting all that you desire through becoming a cheater.

 

Hey...people fall out of love...but that shouldn't be a reason to also fall out of respect.

 

You may think cheating and staying married is a win win situation. It's a dysfunctional and short term solution. What it really is, is laziness. Making real decisions, having courage to fight for a better marriage is hard work and requires integrity.

 

Who are you...and who do you want to be. Your life is on your hands. You are the author of your story. You can write a beautiful ending or you can write a tragic ending. I hope you have the courage to write a beautiful ending.

 

Excellent advice. I couldn't have said it better.

[amaysngrace]

If you're so bored do things to become more interesting. Take up a class, join a gym, go sightseeing, whatever, but don't take out your boredom and blame it on your husband.

 

You're boring. Own it.

[stillafool]

Have you ever thought that your husband is just as bored with you as you are with him? More than likely he is but he continues doing what he is suppose to do for his family. What is it with women who need so much attention these days? What about that sweet little baby girl you have who is less than a year old? Does she not need your attention rather than a mother who only thinks about what she wants? I'm sick of selfish people.

[amaysngrace]

Have you ever thought that your husband is just as bored with you as you are with him? More than likely he is but he continues doing what he is suppose to do for his family. What is it with women who need so much attention these days? What about that sweet little baby girl you have who is less than a year old? Does she not need your attention rather than a mother who only thinks about what she wants? I'm sick of selfish people.

 

Yea good point. I feel sorry for that kid. Her mom is no fun :/

[Ailsa1983]

I think you should see your doctor it sounds as if you are depressed after having your first child, you are bored, lonely and everything revolves around her right now. I don't think you want to cheat and it won't make you feel any happier inside it will make you even more depressed.

 

Please see a doctor

[Man Mountain Makino]

I honestly don't see how an affair gets you from where you are to where you want to be.

 

You're also not a spectator in your marriage. You can be romantic and he can follow your lead. You can spark interesting conversation.

 

Just take some steps to get to a good place where you want to be.

[Realist3]

Just throwing this out there but have you ever looked into postpartum depression?

 

I'm not going to tell you what to do or not to do, that's up to you. But the fact that you came here talking about this tells me at least you are being contemplative, which is good.

 

You have listed several issues/problems with your marriage, and you are considering easing the pain of those problems by adding another huge problem on top of those. Most people glamorize affairs before they get into them, and even in the beginning stages. Sure, they are exciting, fun, validating, sexy, etc., etc.. All of those things are very alluring, but they are only half the story. They are also mentally draining. People handle those things differently, but you won't know how well you can compartmentalize this double life until you are in the throws of the affair. How will you handle the roller coaster of emotions the affair will undoubtedly cause(it happens to everybody)? You won't know how you will handle the guilt, time demands, all of the effort to keep it a secret, and trust it me takes a lot of effort. How are you going to deal with the emotions of your AP? How will you deal with that nagging thought that at any moment the world you have built could come crashing down around you completely outside of your control? How you will keep from further withdrawing from your husband? All of those things will factor in, and they are not easy to deal with. You would be getting some good things, but you would also be inheriting a bunch of bad things. It is a constantly ever-changing scale.

 

All of those things are just keeping the affair going. If you get busted, well... then you have a whole new set of problems.

 

So, whatever you decide to do realize that the affair will not be a panacea in making your life instantly better.

 

Some people can handle all of those things for years and years. Just make sure you choose your affair partner very wisely if you decide to go down that path.

 

Best of luck.

[waterwoman]

Agree with realist (never said that before )

 

PPD could well be a factor. I developed it after my second baby but I didn't actually do anything about it until she was a year old. All the things you are feeling were very similar to my feelings. It all felt so utterly hopeless,I beleived I was taken for granted , unappreciated, H didn't say or do the things I wanted. I didn't focus on cheating though, I was full of thoughts of winning the lottery, or making money somehow so I could change our lives dramatically, move somewhere else, start my own business, basically pick my life up and SHAKE it.

[Bittersweetie]

I am 30 years old and been with my husband for about 9 years. We recently had a child a little over a year ago. I am so incredibly bored of him... I almost feel like I am falling out of love with him. He is so concerned with making money and his job that everything else, like romance or interesting conversations have just disappeared. I feel like we never have 'real conversations' and that he doesn't really even care about what I truly want out of life. He just wants to live this simple life where we talk about nothing important, take care of our daughter, and work. Yes, I know what you think 'well that's life'. And I know logically that is true. But I just get so sick of talking about our daughter's eating habits and what bills need to be paid. I feel trapped and isolated and sometimes think cheating would be an excellent escape to this mundane life I lead. Someone new who will actually care about what I think and listen to my hopes and dreams. I guess I'm just feeling as though I let my life slip through my fingers in order to be in this relationship and have lost excitement for my future. Please know I wish I didn't feel this way and know I am being selfish, but I would appreciate any advice or some insight. Thanks.

 

As a fWW who made the choice to pursue an A rather than address the issues in my marriage, my vehement advice to you is: DON'T DO IT. It is a selfish, hurtful choice for the whole family. Other PP have also posted valid reasons not to make this choice.

 

You mention you have a young child. I do too. This first year and half with my baby has been the hardest time I've ever had to deal with. It is isolating and relentless and one can lose sight of who they are outside of being a mom. Marriages can suffer too. My H and I worked hard on our reconciliation yet it didn't make adding a baby to the mix any easier to handle! Luckily we had strong coping skills in place to deal.

 

Have you looked into counseling? Maybe that could help pinpoint what your strongest issues are at the moment and you can then talk those through with your H. I would suggest counseling for 6-12 months, and then looking at how you want to move forward.

 

To summarize, as someone who's BTDT, don't make that choice.

[txgrl]

It's ok that you wonder about cheating . It seems really fun and sexy in the outside, but it will kill you slowly every day . Trust me, I did it .

 

Look to husband and family and good friends for support .

[txgrl]

Pray tell, what is a 'good AP' ?, what is the 'qualities' that OP should be looking for if she chooses her AP 'wisely'?( *** sarcasm ***)

 

An A is inherently a stupid and poor choice , no 'wisdom' there .

[Realist3]

Pray tell, what is a 'good AP' ?, what is the 'qualities' that OP should be looking for if she chooses her AP 'wisely'?( *** sarcasm ***)

 

An A is inherently a stupid and poor choice , no 'wisdom' there .

 

Whether or not the choice is stupid or poor is up to the person making the decision at the time.

 

In choosing an AP there are certainly better decisions than others.

 

A married person getting involved with a single person is a situation that creates a lot of strife within the A relationship because of different expectations. Single AP's will naturally demand more. There is an imbalance.

 

While an A with another married person will be more stable you have also theoretically doubled your chances of getting caught.

 

People in the same stages of life makes for a more harmonious A relationship. Large age differences create a natural difference in view.

 

People that are on the same page about what they want and expect from the A.

 

People that are absent of any signs of mental illness.

 

People that are stable in their life.

 

No strangers.

[fellini]

Well LisaSarah. Im not going to beat you up because you have emotions.

 

Perhaps what has happened to your marriage (forget all that stuff that this is about you and only you, your marriage is on pause and you know it. It's not what you feel, it is what it is) is that it has moved into what is called "Child centred marriage". There is a lot of literature on this. A TON. Don't let this be about YOU, this is about the TWO OF YOU. The decision about what to do about this marriage falls on both of you, the decision to see an affair as an option falls entirely on your shoulders. But the decision to turn back inwards and do something as a couple needs to be done by both.

 

Oh of course, you could take up a hobby. But Ill take a wild guess that knitting mittens for the newborn is not going to fill the emotional space you are talking about right now.

 

So yeah, do some things to fill your free time, but this will NOT IN THE LEAST SOLVE or JUMP-START YOUR MARRIAGE.

 

People can live in child centred marriages for many years. And it isn't just you that is at risk of an affair, your husband (if he chose to) could easily have the same feelings.

 

Some resources:

 

Esther Perel: "Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic + the Domestic"

(There is a great chapter called: Parenthood: When Three threatens Two)

 

Mort Fertel: Marriagemax.com (Marriage Fitness. He hates therapists. He loves going straight to the solution to happiness without talking about what "went wrong" and focussing on how to be where you need to be.

 

Michelle Langley (womensinfidelity.com) Check out on the first page her thoughts on Limbo. The 4 stages. You are in stage 1; DONT GET INTO STAGE 2!!! (Doesn't have to be only about sex) If you feel her words resonate strongly with what you are going through, I recommend using google to find her books in PDF version (i.e. free) and read them. They are awesome eyeopeners. And they are more fun to read than 50 shades of Grey.

 

My feeling is your husband is not going to see going to a MC like much fun. You need to find solutions that bring happiness and joy and intimacy, above all intimacy BACK into the marriage. The last place Im going to look for intimacy is in a white walled room at some local marriage clinic. The first place is going to be up close and intimate with my Spouse.

Edited May 6, 2014 by fellini

[bubbaganoosh]

So your out with friends and you meet some guy that's checking you out.

 

You start a conversation with him, have a drink or two and then decide to meet up with him a few days later and you start thinking how nice he is and he listens to you a you have so much in common with him.

 

Before you decide to take it to the next level and ruin what you have because (just meeting with him, you already started) remember one thing.

 

He's going to say anything, do anything and be anything you want him to be just to get you in bed.

 

Then after your have that "Oh $h!t moment" after you had sex with him you'll realize that he's nothing like you thought he was and served you up a huge plate of "shinola" for one reason.

 

Now if you think that things were not up to your standards before, your now going to get a whole lot of "you ain't seen nothing yet" once your husband finds out.

 

Life will be very different as you know it and it's only because you thought the grass was greener on the other side. It was greener because the grass was growing over a septic tank.

 

My advice is to get that notion out of your head and get you and your husband to a MC and work it out.

[janedoe67]

I second (or third) the advice about checking into depression/PPD. I definitely had it, and because of our very fundamentalist church, I was too ashamed to get help, which I think helped start the whole domino effect of my crappy choices. Also, I would ask the doctor for a FULL thyroid screening (not just the quick one). If your thyroid is messed up (which can happen after kids), then your emotions, libido, mental state, and a whole host of other things can go loopy.

 

Have you tried seducing/dating your husband? I know it sounds weird and contrived, but it might just work. Flirt with him. Wear something new. Surprise him in the shower. Find someone to swap babysitting with and spend some time doing the things you haven't done in awhile. Go back to a meaningful restaurant or hotel or even rent a movie that you used to make out while watching. Is there something both of you used to mention trying one day (from hiking to photography to bungee jumping)? Do it!

 

Also, try to exercise. It relieves stress, releases endorphines, and elevates mood. It's spring. Get out into the sun.

 

I spent a lot of time in my previous career sitting in endless meetings that had very little to do with my actual job. I realized I could torture myself or I could find a way to make it interesting. It jot down ways to make it relate to what I did. I'd make an effort to contribute to the discussion and learn something. I'd try to meet people I didn't know. It stopped being boring because I stopped allowing it to be boring. Do the same thing in your marriage. Find ways to make the mundane interesting. Tell hubby while you're cooking, when he walks into the kitchen to get a beer, that you're frying chicken without panties on. Play strip poker after the kids go to bed...and lose until you get to your racy undies, then win lol.

 

You don't have to break your vows and hurt the people you love to get out of this rut.

[drifter777]

I'm not qualified to advise a woman in your position so I won't try to talk you out of anything. I will point out that what you are feeling and your dim outlook for your marriage is pretty much a cliche because it happens to so many women at about this time in your marriage. It's a little bit later in years than what is typical, but that is probably because you waited a while to have a child. My point is not to point a finger at you and judge; my point is that there is a TON of research out there describing the many reasons these emotions are crashing down on you right now. If you read what nearly all counselors and researchers have found to be true it may help you realize how normal your situation really is. There are hundreds of articles you can find online written by reliable sources that can help guide you. There are dozens of books that go into great detail and can help you with ways to get out of this funk and find a way to re-connect with your husband.

 

The history you refer to as not being all that great is also completely normal. Life is a struggle; married life is even harder. You have to focus on the payoff's you get from tackling these issues and gaining a secure, loving family life. You will gain a partner to who will help you get through the day-to-day struggles of normal life. The bedroom can be as passionate, hot, and fulfilling as you want it to be.

 

Open up and lead him where you want your relationship to go. Be tough on what you need but reasonable on what he can deliver. Notice I said "reasonable" and that doesn't mean settling for less than you need. The Rolling Stones said it best "You can't always get what you want, but if you try you just might get what you need".