somedude81 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Last day of class for me is Wednesday, not counting my final. There are two girls I want to ask out. Yes I know I should have done so earlier. Circumstances just happened. The first girl is in my Salsa class. I've had my eye on her for a while but for some reason didn't have a proper conversation with her until today. I got the very brief overview about her. She seemed friendly enough. If I had more time, I would talk to her more in class but I'm completely out of time. On Wednesday there is going to be a test in the class, and then everybody will leave when they are done. My only real time I'll get to talk to her is in the 20 or so minutes we'd have before the test. Most likely I'd only have 5 or so minutes to talk. I'm thinking of talking to her before the test, and inviting her to have lunch with me once it's over. If there are any better ideas, please share them. Just remember this is a girl I've only spoken to with one time. The second girl is in my business class and I've been siting behind her the whole semester. She knows who I am and we talk in class often. Unfortunately she made a girlfriend in the class recently and they started talking more and I can't really compete against her. I just haven't had the opportunity to ask her out because she always leaves the class with her friend. I do have her email because we've been exchanging class notes. As a last resort I could ask her out by email. Today I was planning on asking if she wanted to get coffee with me after class, but when she got up and left with her friend, I felt like there wasn't anything I could do. I'd appreciate any advice for what I can do on Wednesday.
Candy_Pants Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 What if she says "no" right before the test. Will that mess up your concentration? 2
Author somedude81 Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 What if she says "no" right before the test. Will that mess up your concentration? Nope, I'm not officially enrolled in the class so I don't have to take the class. Basically, if you are enrolled in one dance class, you can crash as many as you want for practice. Most likely I'd take off right when the test starts if I don't talk to her.
Candy_Pants Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Ah. Be confident. Be friendly. Ask in a direct manner. Good luck! 2
Author somedude81 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 Ah. Be confident. Be friendly. Ask in a direct manner. Good luck! Thank you. I'm just not sure how and what to ask. I don't know what any of the girls are interested in. Like should I try to invite to some event I found, or just get the phone number, what to say. My mind is blank.
Assasda Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Lol so you take the class and you're not enrolled in it. hahahahaha. Thats a good story to talk about. I would reveal this to the girl. I'd say something like, "are you worried about the final?" Then I just tell her. Then basically just listen to everything she has to say. Ask her small questions and let her talk her heart out. Then say, "Hey wanna have a coffee". Or "Wanna have a beer". Or "Do you like movies". Anything really
clia Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 "I've enjoyed talking to you this semester/last week. Would you like to get together for drinks/dinner this weekend?" I don't like the idea of asking them out spur of the moment for lunch or coffee after class. That is easily misconstrued as a friend thing. Instead I think you should ask them out on an actual date. 2
Author somedude81 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 "I've enjoyed talking to you this semester/last week. Would you like to get together for drinks/dinner this weekend?" I don't like the idea of asking them out spur of the moment for lunch or coffee after class. That is easily misconstrued as a friend thing. Instead I think you should ask them out on an actual date. I was starting to think that as well. While I may see it as convenient and spontaneous, girls may see it as me just trying to be friendly. Could I replace drinks/dinner with something like coffee? I do like your phrasing.
d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 If you go to a commuter school asking somebody out on the last day of class is fine. If you go to a school where most people are from far away & will be going home hundreds of miles away, what's the point? Ask for a contact # Send a few keep in touch messages & ask her out next semester.
Author somedude81 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 If you go to a commuter school asking somebody out on the last day of class is fine. If you go to a school where most people are from far away & will be going home hundreds of miles away, what's the point? Ask for a contact # Send a few keep in touch messages & ask her out next semester. Yeah I go to a commuter school, and I'm pretty sure almost everybody lives around the area. I was just more concerned about how to ask.
clia Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Could I replace drinks/dinner with something like coffee? You could if that makes you more comfortable. I personally think coffee dates are lame and are only good for a first time meeting (OLD), though. (JMO). I understand that you don't know these girls well, but you know them well enough to want to date them and have been around them a bunch of times in class. 1
Valen Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Thank you. I'm just not sure how and what to ask. I don't know what any of the girls are interested in. Like should I try to invite to some event I found, or just get the phone number, what to say. My mind is blank. Oh dude you been here since 2008, with 14k posts. And you still struggle in this phase? Maybe less time here, more time practice practice practice... 1
Author somedude81 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 You could if that makes you more comfortable. I personally think coffee dates are lame and are only good for a first time meeting (OLD), though. (JMO). I understand that you don't know these girls well, but you know them well enough to want to date them and have been around them a bunch of times in class. Dinner and drinks just seems too formal for a first date. First of all, I don't want to spend $40+ on a first date when it has just as good of a chance at getting me a 2nd date as one where I spend $10 or less. In all honesty, I hate the idea of first or second dates where all you do is sit down and talk in a restaurant. That's boring. My first date with my ex was hiking, tide pooling and then talking on the beach for hours. I paid $10 for parking. The main reason I like doing lunch is because it gives me a cheap and neutral location to talk to and learn more about the girl. Then I can find out what she likes and then plan a great first date.
clia Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Dinner and drinks just seems too formal for a first date. It isn't. It's a very standard first date. You don't have to do both. You could just plan to meet for a drink or two to get to know each other. But you should do what you want. If you prefer asking for lunch or the beach or coffee, do that. Just be clear that it's a date. 2
rester Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Dinner and drinks just seems too formal for a first date. First of all, I don't want to spend $40+ on a first date when it has just as good of a chance at getting me a 2nd date as one where I spend $10 or less. In all honesty, I hate the idea of first or second dates where all you do is sit down and talk in a restaurant. That's boring. My first date with my ex was hiking, tide pooling and then talking on the beach for hours. I paid $10 for parking. The main reason I like doing lunch is because it gives me a cheap and neutral location to talk to and learn more about the girl. Then I can find out what she likes and then plan a great first date. "Hey <insert name>, now that classes are over, do you have any summer plans?" Listen to what she says and then work something like this into the conversation: "I'm planning on spending some time at the tide pools down near <insert location>. Would you like to join me some time?" 1
Author somedude81 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 Well I didn't have any opportunity at all to talk to the first girl. No real biggie since I really doubt she would say yes. My next class is in one hour, and I really doubt I'll ask her out. I'm just not in a good mood today. Most likely she'll be talking to her friend in class the entire time and I won't have any opportunity at all. Either way, I'm certain she'd turn me down.
rester Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 Well I didn't have any opportunity at all to talk to the first girl. No real biggie since I really doubt she would say yes. My next class is in one hour, and I really doubt I'll ask her out. I'm just not in a good mood today. Most likely she'll be talking to her friend in class the entire time and I won't have any opportunity at all. Either way, I'm certain she'd turn me down. If you're that certain, then don't bother, but think about how often you get these chances. When is the next time you are going to have this opportunity? Next fall when classes start again? I will add that my only regrets in life are not trying things, solely out of fear of failure or rejection. I've missed so many opportunities because I didn't have the confidence to take a chance because I assumed it was a lost cause. Think about how you will feel in the coming weeks if you get rejected versus not even taking the chance. Then think about how you will feel if SHE takes a chance on YOU and accepts your invitation. Even if you get rejected you should be proud of yourself for putting yourself out there. 1
normal person Posted May 7, 2014 Posted May 7, 2014 (edited) Could I replace drinks/dinner with something like coffee? Please don't. I don't know where you ever got this idea that girls have to be taken to coffee and lunch as a prerequisite. Coffee or lunch is so unimpressive. If you're asking her out, ask her out. Not to Starbucks. Not to Denny's. Something at night. Drinks, a restaurant. You always sound like you're trying to dip your toe into the water so if there's any hint that she doesn't like you, can just hide under a mask of "It's just coffee and I just wanted to be friends." Just jump in already, enough of this. I do like your phrasing. Ehhhh... saying "I've enjoyed talking to you" sounds pretty formal, like you're at a charm school or cotillion or something. I would say do not be that formal, be as colloquial as possible, especially towards a college girl who I think would laugh at you for using that phrasing. Diffuse the formality and up-front-ness of it all rather than emphasize it. You know what works for me? "Hey, come hang out with me" or "C'mon, let's go out." DONE. You need to be confident. Don't ask. Tell. When you ask, you're acknowledging the imbalance of power that she has over you and that's not very attractive. YOU need to be perceived as the desirable one, like you're almost doing her a favor by letting her come along. Dinner and drinks just seems too formal for a first date. Really? Because that's what practically every person does. Coffee seems like a f***** cop out. First of all, I don't want to spend $40+ on a first date when it has just as good of a chance at getting me a 2nd date as one where I spend $10 or less. It doesn't have just as good a chance. Dinner and drink shows effort and desire. Sipping a latte at Starbucks next to a bunch of idiots trying to write screenplays on their laptops says a lot less. I have a female friend and she was telling me about a few guys she's met and we were trying to narrow down who the best one was. She said "well Andrew wanted to take me out to coffee, so he's out of the running..." Don't be cheap, suck it up and buy the girl something worthwhile. It's the cost of doing business. Accept it. Lunch is not sexy. In all honesty, I hate the idea of first or second dates where all you do is sit down and talk in a restaurant. That's boring. My first date with my ex was hiking, tide pooling and then talking on the beach for hours. I paid $10 for parking. But sitting down and talking in a Starbucks is so much better? You need to realize that if you're trying to win someone over, you're a beggar, not a chooser. If you're trying to get a second date, you have to consider what they're comfortable with and what they want and then compromise on what you want to do and how much money you want to spend. If you want it that badly, you forfeit the right to be frugal and convenient. Your problem is that you have no power but you still want to date these girls on your own terms. I'm not surprised it's so difficult for you. If you ask a girl you barely know to go hiking and tide pooling with you, you're much less likely to have success than if you want to go out to dinner. Do you know why? Because she doesn't know anything about you and you've never considered her perspective; to her you're a relative stranger. If some person I'd talked to twice in my life asked me to go hiking, I'd think "Wtf? I don't even know you." Having a meal and/or with someone and talking with someone is a safe, fun, reliable way to bond. Asking a relative stranger to go hiking is considerably more strange. The main reason I like doing lunch is because it gives me a cheap and neutral location to talk to and learn more about the girl. Then I can find out what she likes and then plan a great first date. And a big reason you haven't had success is that you're again trying to play by your own rules when you don't have any power to do so. If the girl was asking you to hang out, she'd want to make sure it was something appealing to you. What you're doing is assuming that when you ask a girl out, she has absolutely no preferences and is completely fine submitting to your skewed warped view of dating, and perfectly content with the fact that you don't want to spend more than $10. Do you see how asinine that is? Essentially you're saying to a girl who's feelings about you are completely uncertain: "Hey, I know we don't really know each other, but I like you. I know dinner and drinks is the conventional way of making you feel comfortable around me, and I know that's what you probably like, but I'm not comfortable spending that much money and it's boring for me. So could you please just come to Starbucks with me so I don't have to spend a lot of money, then tell me what you're interested in so I can plan something else that better fits my preferences and conventions as to how to get to know you? Yeah, I like you -- but your opinions, desires, and comforts are irrelevant because they don't mesh with mine. So anyways...should we say... Starbucks at 12:30?" WHAT REASON DOES SHE HAVE TO AGREE TO THIS??? Edited May 7, 2014 by normal person
Author somedude81 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 LOL! The second girl didn't even show up to class today. I'm thinking about trying to ask her out over email as a last ditch effort. The worst she would do is ignore it, or give me a polite rejection. No I'm not going to ask if I can take her to a restaurant and have a waiter serve us. The only thing I want to do is get to know her. I don't need to spend $40+ to get to know somebody. I should be the main attraction. Not the fact that I'm spending money on her. So could you please just come to Starbucks with me so I don't have to spend a lot of money, then tell me what you're interested in so I can plan something else that better fits my preferences and conventions as to how to get to know you? No, I want to find out what she's interested in so I can plan something that meets her preferences. I'm sure there are a thousands things that she would enjoy more than dinner and drinks. I didn't do dinner with my ex till our 4th or 5th date. By then we were well established.
normal person Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 No I'm not going to ask if I can take her to a restaurant and have a waiter serve us. Ok. Justify it however you want. The only thing I want to do is get to know her. I don't need to spend $40+ to get to know somebody. You do if that's what she wants to do to get to know you, and that's what she's comfortable with. I should be the main attraction. Not the fact that I'm spending money on her. In a perfect world, yeah. It's a little more complex than that. I'm not saying she's attracted to money spent, but money spent is often indicative of other things. No, I want to find out what she's interested in so I can plan something that meets her preferences. I'm sure there are a thousands things that she would enjoy more than dinner and drinks. Is that what you communicate to her fully when you say "Let's go to Starbucks?" Because I don't know if she's going to give you the benefit of the doubt. Again, you're trying to play by your own rules. If she doesn't want to, she doesn't have to oblige and you're out of luck. I didn't do dinner with my ex till our 4th or 5th date. By then we were well established. You should probably stop using your ex as the standard to judge all other women by.
you_can_not_see_me Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Last day of class for me is Wednesday, not counting my final. There are two girls I want to ask out. Yes I know I should have done so earlier. Circumstances just happened. The first girl is in my Salsa class. I've had my eye on her for a while but for some reason didn't have a proper conversation with her until today. I got the very brief overview about her. She seemed friendly enough. If I had more time, I would talk to her more in class but I'm completely out of time. On Wednesday there is going to be a test in the class, and then everybody will leave when they are done. My only real time I'll get to talk to her is in the 20 or so minutes we'd have before the test. Most likely I'd only have 5 or so minutes to talk. I'm thinking of talking to her before the test, and inviting her to have lunch with me once it's over. If there are any better ideas, please share them. Just remember this is a girl I've only spoken to with one time. The second girl is in my business class and I've been siting behind her the whole semester. She knows who I am and we talk in class often. Unfortunately she made a girlfriend in the class recently and they started talking more and I can't really compete against her. I just haven't had the opportunity to ask her out because she always leaves the class with her friend. I do have her email because we've been exchanging class notes. As a last resort I could ask her out by email. Today I was planning on asking if she wanted to get coffee with me after class, but when she got up and left with her friend, I felt like there wasn't anything I could do. I'd appreciate any advice for what I can do on Wednesday. Ok this all sounds pretty familiar to me, This is pretty much me a couple of years ago. Go ahead and ask her out, but as a warning rejection is pretty likely for a couple of reasons: 1. if this girl was into you she would have more actively interacted with you and you would likely have had her phone number and stuff like that 2. Because your interaction has been limited and you have to take a drastic measure like this, the girl is likely to feel uncomfortable and reject cause she thinks you are way too serious about her. but good luck anyway.
Author somedude81 Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 Ok this all sounds pretty familiar to me, This is pretty much me a couple of years ago. Go ahead and ask her out, but as a warning rejection is pretty likely for a couple of reasons: 1. if this girl was into you she would have more actively interacted with you and you would likely have had her phone number and stuff like that 2. Because your interaction has been limited and you have to take a drastic measure like this, the girl is likely to feel uncomfortable and reject cause she thinks you are way too serious about her. but good luck anyway. She would think I'm way too serious about her because I would ask her out over email? I'm thinking about sending her something like -------------------------------- Hey Michele, it was cool talking to you this semester though I wish I had more time to get to know you. We should get together for tacos or something when finals are over. We finished the movie today and the professor wanted us to focus on the concepts of leadership -somedude ------------------------------------- Thoughts?
you_can_not_see_me Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 She would think I'm way too serious about her because I would ask her out over email? I'm thinking about sending her something like -------------------------------- Hey Michele, it was cool talking to you this semester though I wish I had more time to get to know you. We should get together for tacos or something when finals are over. We finished the movie today and the professor wanted us to focus on the concepts of leadership -somedude ------------------------------------- Thoughts? go for it, but just be prepared for her in some form to say she can't/ won't go out.
Author somedude81 Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 Is there any way better I can word it? I'd like a few pieces of input.
you_can_not_see_me Posted May 8, 2014 Posted May 8, 2014 Is there any way better I can word it? I'd like a few pieces of input. at this point there is no way for this email not to be awkward. But maybe you should give her a specific time and place you want to go to and ask her if she wants to come along. If she says she can't because of what ever reason, then take that as a mild rejection. if the girl is interested in anyway she would suggest another time if she can't make it, so if she just says she can't make it you know she isn't interested.
Recommended Posts