goa22 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Basically there is this girl I met on tinder a couple of months ago, we really hit it off and had a ridiculous amount of stuff in common. Including a shared love of anime, she is also heavily into cosplay, something which I've never done since I more of the sporty type and have no friends into anime or anything like that so anime sort of been my secret, but I wanted to experiment with cosplay because she was so into it and I know it would be fun to do with her. I was so surprised I had found a girl that I really liked and was also into the same things that I couldn't believe it and was supper excited. At this point she told me how excited she was to meet me and how happy she was we started talking, this was one of the best feelings I've felt and just really wanted to make her feel like this all the time, I had planned an amaizing date to take her on, and she agreed to going out with me then but she lives in thames just over an hour away so I wasn't in a rush to do anything since she said she may be coming up for easter and I was planning to do something then and everything seemed perfect she was even planning to move to auckland for uni in the future. Anyway a few days later she got back together with her ex who had cheated on her, I was pretty upset and got a bit soppy but wished her the best. A few days later they broke up again and she messaged me I said id give her some space till she was feeling abit better, since I didn't want to take advantage of her when she was vunerable. About a week later she started talking normally again and seemed OK so I started being more flirty, she kept seeming on and off she told me about this game she plays gw2 which she ejoys but wanted someone to play it with, so I bought it so I could play with her. Eventually I asked her out again and she said she didn't have a way to get to me since she lives about an hour away and only had a moped. I said id pick her up and drop her home she didn't reply so I just left it a few days later I had to know so I asked again and she came back with she was just wanted to be friends I kept pushing because I knew she was sort of on and off and shed agreed before and if I could just take her on his one date I ad planned I knew she would see how much she meant to me, I know now I shouldn't have pushed but I felt I was so close, she then came back with she was seeing someone else which I knew was a lie and called her on it another mistake, I then asked to just let me take her out on this one date and after if she still felt the same it was fine I wouldn't expect a second, I just wanted one chance to try. She said I was scaring her by being so persistent she then blocked me on fb. A few days later the ex a twisted son of a smarmy wrench started talking to me and offered help, I thought sure cause he said he was seeing someone else anyway he got her to unblock me and we started talking normally again, I appologised to her and her friend who she had talked to about me, I explained to her a friend a week or so later what I had planned and why I was trying so hard, after telling her this she also agreed that she wished she would have given me a chance to I took this to heart and sort of started trying again, later on I found out from her friend that she was back with her ex and he was playing me, the so called girl he was apparently seeing was a fake account and apparently hed done a similar thing to the friend I had been talking to long story short things got worse, she thought it was my fake account and I had also seen she had deleted him as a friend o her Facebook I asked her friend about this if they had broken up again or something and her friend must have told her I had stalked her page and she blocked me again and I tried talking to her through her friend that night and I had told her friend how much I liked her and had never felt like this about anyone before. She helped at first realying my messages and I tried to just salvage a friendship so that I could stay in contact and meet up with her etc and eventaully make something happen much slower this time. But she wouldn't listen and her friend started to get pissed of thinking I was taking it too far and saying that you cant like someone this much when you haven't met.When I think about this its sort of true but we had talked so much that I knew a lot about her and from what I knew I really lliked and just wanted a chance to see if she was the one, she had the potential to be a best friend as well as a girlfreind. A few days ago I hand wrote her a letter explaing the date I had planned and why I had tried so hard and hoped even if she couldn't forgive me now that she would be able to one day and talk to me again. Attached were two tickets to the hamilton armegeddon, she had wanted to go to with me in the beginning, and I said I would love to go with her but I understood if she didn't want to and to take her friend if that was the case. Also a usb of some of her what I thought would be her favourite episodes of bleach, her favourite movie and a series I had told her about that she might enjoy. And flowers in her favourite colour, proabably over the top but I was hoping she could see I wasn't just talk about how I felt. I drove to thames and left these for her at her work, I had really wanted to talk to her face to face but didn't want to pressure her or scare her, thinking back I wish I had tried. Even her friend agrees the guy she is going out with is a scumbag and doesn't really care about her. I just like her so much and I know I shouldn't try contact her again, if you have any advice could you please help I don't know how things are with her ex but I know they are friends again on fb but nothing more. Is there anything I should do? Or just wait and hope she realises I did only have good intent. At the moment I just really want her as a friend again so that we can talk etc and maybe I will have a shot in the future when she moves here if she still does, but I know if I cant even get her to talk to me anymore I cant make anything happen in the future. Please any advice would be appreciated I know its stupid to say I love her cause I haven't even taken her out but I've never felt this sort affection to someone and just making her happy just make me feel happy. I'm sure I've scared her by being so persistent and saying how much I like her, but honestly it was only cause I really wanted to take her on that one date, and see what deveoped after that dates would be more standard and id lay off and let her decide if she wanted a second etc. I just wanted the first to be something really special we could both remember fondly weather things worked out after that. I had even planned o take her to this cosplay ball in June and had started growing out my hair so I could cosplay as grey fullbuster. Below are the details of the date I had planned, in the letter I gave her this was what I told her accept hand written in a hope she could see why I tried so hard. The letter also contained other information about how special I thought she was but really just wanted her as a friend again. Stage 1 the pick up my only clue to you was to wear something formalish. I managed to figure out that your favourite colour is blue from the amount of blue clothes you wear, so I was going to get you a bouquet of blue flowers and id got you a silver necklace with a saphire pendant which id give to you with a note inside the case saying thought these would look nice with your blue dress, since I'm 90% sure you would wear a blue dress. I also planned to get you a box of those dairy milk trays, you know the flat rectangular boxes, I was then going to carefully cut the seal, open it up and remove all the centre chocolates enough to fit a book in, among the things you said you had wanted to do with me was go to the libraries to see comic books, so well I found this comic book store in the city and I was going to get a couple of comics from the batgirl and teen titan series since I know those are your favourites, I was then going to put them in the box along with two pieces of blue card one at the top and one at the bottom, the one on top would say I thought you would appreciate these more than chocolates. The one underneath the comics would say I hope I can always make you feel like this and attached would be a picture of our first conversation that I had saved before you deleted your tinder account, I think you know which one, it’s the one where you say how super excited you are to meet me and I say the same. Every time I read this I cant help but feel a spark of happiness that I made you feel that way, and its really soul crushing to know that I drove those feelings away. I would then carefully reseal the box so it looked like a normal box of chocolates. I then planned to turn up with these in my tuxedo to make it as romantic and memorable as possible Stage 2 trip to auckland - I have a two seater convertible so the drive would be fun and I know you want to learn to drive so id give you a bit of a fun lesson on the way up, let you change gears etc once back in Auckland I planned to take you for walk along the viaduct and get some gelato they have some really cool flavours like fererer roche and pistachio etc Stage 3 the actual date - I would then have a booking at the 360 orbit for 530 a restaurant on the top floor of the skytower that revolves giving you a view of the city and viaduct, it’s a flash romantic place well at least I've heard, hence the tux and your formal dress. Id take you there at 530 because the sun is meant to set at just before 6 which means we could have drinks and appetisers whist viewing the sunset. This is the main reason I was trying so hard to take you out these holidays so that the weather would be good and we would have a nice scenic view. After dinner id take you up to the observatory deck where we could talk and take in the night time surroundings see the stars and watch the people in the city below scurry about through the glass floor. After this I had planned to take you to go see the new captain America (well spiderman 2 since a few weeks ago maybe lucy) movie at imax cause I know you have never been to imax and neither have I,I thought you would really enjoy it since your into comics so id assumed you'd like these sort of movies like me. After that I would drop you back to your doorstep give you a hug goodnight and a small kiss on the forehead, and hope you enjoyed yourself as much as me and can see how much I care about you, how much you mean to me, and hoped it would be night we could always remember fondly even if things didn’t work out after. Is my case completely hopeless? I don't even know if she kept the letter and things I gave her and if she is back with her ex he knows how I feel about her so that possiblly could also be a factor stoping her from unblocking me. But she hasn't contacted me in anyway since the letter so I have no idea, and I don't want to try contact in case it makes me look needy and clingy when really I just want to be able to be friendly with her again and if things don't work out with her cheating ex again which I really don't think they will, maybe try be there for her then and hope she realises how much I care about her and rekindle some of her initial feelings for me. Please any advice or help would be greatly appreciated!
Dallers Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) First let me say this is way way too much. You write as though you are obsessed with this girl which is a bad thing. You blew your chances very early on and when she went back to her ex and you pursued you practically friend zoned yourself. From then on you became scary and obsessive and got yourself blocked. It then seems that it all become a huge panic stricken mess working out how to get back into her life and I don't really understand a lot of what went on from there it just seems weird. The letter and the planning of the dates thing is just again way too much. It should have been, chat to her, approach and ask her out, arrange a simple date. Go from there. What you have done is take overthinking to the limits, and what you have with her is now all in your head. If you have no dating experience then you need to go find some. Research and read books (Lots and lots of books) understand that what you are doing is the complete opposite of what you should be doing. It is obvious you like this girl and care about her, at the beginning of the story you actually had her but from then on it just went from bad to worse to scary. Read your own story back to yourself and you can understand why she has not replied. Edited May 5, 2014 by Dallers
Author goa22 Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 trust me ive looked at the story over and over again, i know i went overboard and i just kept trying to fix things but made them worse and worse, i geuss i also knew before i posted this that id need something short of a miracle to have another chance. i finished the letter with even if you can not forgive me now i hope one day you can and are able to talk to me again and can see that i was only trying to make you feel like you did in the beginning. the letter really was just a last ditch effort to maybe help her see in the future that however awfully i handled everything i did really only have good intent at heart. i only planned such a big date for the first one because i wanted it to be something we could always remember and if things ever went further it would be a great story for how we first met. i intended to lay off after this date and let her decide if she wanted more but they would just be standard dates with the exception of special occasions I guess what i really want to know is there any chance she will forgive me?, is there anyway to bring back those old feelings? and if she does move here would i have a chance at all.
d0nnivain Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 She told you that she was back together with an EX. Whether that was true or even good for her, you needed to back away. You did the exact opposite. You came across in a very negative way & you most likely scared the beegeesus out of the girl. If I were her, I'd steer clear of you for fear that you would put me in danger because from what you posted / did you don't seem to have good social boundaries. A tux & formal dress for a 1st date with somebody you met on the internet & don't really know is waaaaayyyyyy too much. There's a reason standard OLD advice is to meet for coffee or something else simple, cheap, short & public. I am not trying to insult you or call you names but you did go overboard here & your only available course at this point is to stop trying. Persistence at this point may land you in police custody.
Author goa22 Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 no im not insulted at all ive learnt alot from the countless mistakes i made with her and as said earlier have not tried to contact her anymore. i just about regret about every action ive made besides in the very beginning and when i gave her space after the second breakup. i know now what i should have done, and i conveyed all my emotions and feelings in completely the wrong way. all i wanted to know is if i would ever have a chance to do it the right way if she did move here, or is what ive done unforgivable? i guess its hard for me to understand how a someone can give a person who has cheated on them another chance but not someone who has genuinely cared about her but just tried way to hard and portrayed his feelings in the wrong way. though i guess she might not see it like this.
Dallers Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 In my opinion you have no chance with her and this is probably one of the 99.99999% situations as well. Give up, get over her by out of sight out of mind and learn from this.
todreaminblue Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 I am sorry that she is back with her ex and that you care for this girl the way that you do....but right now today and every day after today..desist from contacting her you have to respect her in that, one, she is scared of you now, you have freaked her out and two that she is in a relationship whether or not you respect her decision or don't respect the boy she is with ,she made her choice. you need to desist now.......don't push her or your feelings onto her, anymore. if you truly care fro her like you say you do.......let it go......if you were meant to be together you would be......you have done all you can.......in my opinion obviously too much for her.......she doesnt understand your level of appreciation or want to understand it...it just scares her, there is some girl out there who wouldnt be scared of the intensity of your emotions maybe(sapphire necklace in a first date not scared) once you scare a girl........its very hard to get that scare back undr control....doubt is there......let her go and allow yourself to feel in control....never send a letter like that on a first date...to a future wife maybe that you have courted for a while...not a first date.....i often write letters i would never send i can be intense and impulsive with feelings and thoughts.....it i spart of who i am i do feel intensely and it is draining if i dont journal.......my hair actually turns grey when i keep it all in, how is that for freaky things i would never say or do to someone i write it out and delete or keep depending if i find it positive or negative.... .....i am a writer though...a sometimes bohemian poet and words and feelings and thoughts i need them out of my head so i can be normal around people..sometimes i write what i feel or think others are feeling.......it is a mental health strategy thing..if i feel intensely for someone and i dont know them well , especially when they dont know me either and my space cadet ways, i write it out for me not for them because the last thing i ever want is to scare someone with my feelings or thoughts...or make them think i am creepy or scary would hurt me...and I certainly get misunderstood often ...like its hurting you at the moment to be misunderstood...write it out next time dont send it.......but write it for you as a release it is good for your peace of mind and it helps you feel more relaxed when you are with someone you care about,.you are very creative so channel your writing into something that is a positive thing for you..good luck and best wishes.deb 1
Author goa22 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 thanks alot for that, i really appreciate it, i have been trying to move on since i found out she got back with her ex, and talked to other girls but my heart wasnt in it, and i just kept thinking about her and what i could do to get her feel how she used to about me again. i actually have been writting everything down cause i have no one to talk to about this, i'm not a writter but used to read alot of fantasy books and sort of enjoyed writting but dont any more because im becoming an engineer. the stuff ive written and havnt sent is very long and the things i choose to put in the letter were just things i hoped would help her forgive me one day, see that i genuinely just cared alot about her and maybe she would give me a chance in the future. the neclace wasnt going to be a real saphire just one that looks like one and still looked nice to wear, since i didnt mean it as a gift like that but more of a gimic gift with the note because she couldnt figure out how i geussed her favourite color on the first go and i was going to play on that since i was pretty sure shed wear a blue dress. if she didnt i wasnt going to give it to her.
todreaminblue Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 thanks alot for that, i really appreciate it, i have been trying to move on since i found out she got back with her ex, and talked to other girls but my heart wasnt in it, and i just kept thinking about her and what i could do to get her feel how she used to about me again. i actually have been writting everything down cause i have no one to talk to about this, i'm not a writter but used to read alot of fantasy books and sort of enjoyed writting but dont any more because im becoming an engineer. the stuff ive written and havnt sent is very long and the things i choose to put in the letter were just things i hoped would help her forgive me one day, see that i genuinely just cared alot about her and maybe she would give me a chance in the future. the neclace wasnt going to be a real saphire just one that looks like one and still looked nice to wear, since i didnt mean it as a gift like that but more of a gimic gift with the note because she couldnt figure out how i geussed her favourite color on the first go and i was going to play on that since i was pretty sure shed wear a blue dress. if she didnt i wasnt going to give it to her. you have awesome intricate planning skills you have an imaginative and a thoughtful nature you think a lot about others and what they would like, you notice things about people(what is her fave color.......) and you use what you have accumulated in memory to give them what you know or think they would like,unfortunately this is old school behavior ...and the world is new school......short text messages nothing to friendly abrupt and to the point.......there are some old schoolers out there ...normally hanging around old school values and thoughtfulness........ when you are sensitive to others needs and you come across a person who might not be sensitive to your needs you have to respect that they arent maybe best for you or you for them.......so give you and her some space...if she contacts you ....you go forward easy does it style..........i wish you well....write on...i am not a real writer by the way........never written a book....i hope to write childrens books i have many stories......a dream i have had.....what are some or one of your dreams you have to or would love to fulfill that dont involve this girl.....deb 1
Omei Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I stopped reading your post when you said you met her online then she got with her ex and then they broke up again.... I didnt need to read more this girl is turning to date sites the very moment she becomes single in need for male attention to fill a gap of a dying relationship in no way is she actually ready to be in a different relationship and its unfair to anyone on that site who's looking for one. It happens all too often people breakup and in heartbreak people rush to a date site, I wouldn't be surprised if they got back together once more. Leave this girl look for someone else. You were only her rebound
Author goa22 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 you have awesome intricate planning skills you have an imaginative and a thoughtful nature you think a lot about others and what they would like, you notice things about people(what is her fave color.......) and you use what you have accumulated in memory to give them what you know or think they would like,unfortunately this is old school behavior ...and the world is new school......short text messages nothing to friendly abrupt and to the point.......there are some old schoolers out there ...normally hanging around old school values and thoughtfulness........ when you are sensitive to others needs and you come across a person who might not be sensitive to your needs you have to respect that they arent maybe best for you or you for them.......so give you and her some space...if she contacts you ....you go forward easy does it style..........i wish you well....write on...i am not a real writer by the way........never written a book....i hope to write childrens books i have many stories......a dream i have had.....what are some or one of your dreams you have to or would love to fulfill that dont involve this girl.....deb Thankyou for the compliments, but despite having good intentions for her and just wanting to spoil her for a night because i know she hadn't been happy and was stressed, this was completely my fault i pushed when i shouldn't and drove her away by doing so, ive done alot of reading on the subject and have learnt a lot from this. i dont think i should ever try to do something special like that for anyone without doing casual stuff with them first. i just got carried away with the idea of making the first time we met something really special that we could always remember, and with the fact that she had been so keen before i was sure id get that chance if i pushed for it. guess i have seen too many movies. if she ever does forgive me and i get a chance with her i know now to take it way slower and start off with small meets. i would do anything for this chance but i know i just have to wait and see. there's a small chance she may decide to let me take her to that event i got her tickets for, but i guess only if she breaks up again and depends on how much i put her off. and then her trial in june there's always a chance she might meet me then though i have small hopes for either. the only silver lining really is that its given me way more motivation at the gym and my lifts have increased, by just pretending if i do one more ill get that chance. my only real dreams in life were to get rich which after completing my engineering degree should have a solid foundation to achieving that, find a girl that i had lots in common with, that i found attractive and could be sort of be a best friend aswell as girlfriend if that makes sense, eventually marry her and start a family. i used to dream about being a professional footballer but that ship sailed long ago when i realized i was no where close to good enough or committed enough to reach that level.
d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 i dont think i should ever try to do something special like that for anyone without doing casual stuff with them first. Exactly! Everything you planned was lovely & would have become someone's top 5 dates ever if you had been dating her for a while & did this for an anniversary or birthday. That's the kind of date many women complain that their BF/husbands don't arrange Right out of the date it was simply way too much. When you offer the fairy tale in the beginning it doesn't feel real & there's nothing to build up to. You need to learn to take baby steps. Since you said you are an engineer, I'll try to put this in language you understand. Before you did complicated physics calculations you learned that 2+2 = 4, right? if you didn't know that, trying to factor a structural load would be impossible. You need a foundation. Just like in engineering, you need a foundation in relationships. Start with something simple, like a cup of coffee or a drink. Build to dream date you had planned.
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