Damaged217 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 So I've been with my bf since Novemeber. We became official one month into dating and said the "I Love You"s 2 months in. Ever since the ILY stage, we've been spending a lot of time together. He has keys to my apartment and he will spend the night almost nightly. This was great at first. But now I feel like I'm being a little smothered. I'm pretty much a loner and I treasure my alone time. But it's not so much the fact that he's here all the time that is bothering me. It's more the fact that he seems to have settled into the relationship already and is way too comfortable around me. I feel like we didn't take the time to enjoy the whole dating process. We pretty much went from dating to living together. He isn't as sweet/romantic as he was before. I believe people in a relationship should always continue to "woo" each other. I don't mean buying me flowers or taking me to expensive restaurants, but doing little things to show me he cares. He used to do things like leave me little love notes on the fridge with these word magnets that I have. Or he would bring me chocolate when it was that time of the month. lol. These are the little things that I love and treasure and he doesn't seem to make the effort anymore. I still do. The other day I put an alarm on his phone and named it "Remember...I love you!" I feel like if we continue like this, I'm going to resent him and, ultimately, break up with him. I know I need to speak to him about this since it is bothering me so much, but I don't know how to bring it up. I figure if we spend less time together he will miss me more and will start doing the sweet little things again. But I can't just start telling him I'm too busy and pull away. He over-analyzes things. He will think I'm cheating or not in love with him anymore. So how do I tell him that we need to slow things down and not see each other so much without hurting his feelings?
d0nnivain Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Talk to him. Tell him you miss the little touches & also schedule some alone time for yourself. When was the last time you went out with just your friends? When was the last time you didn't spend the night together? Pick next Tuesday & separate so you can regroup. Both DH & I need a lot of alone time. It's not a bad thing & it doesn't mean you don't love the other person. It just means you want to be quiet. 1
Babolat Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Sounds like you are an Introvert, as am I, and it's normal for you to need alone time. We are also called "Highly Sensistive" because of how we can react to external stimualtion. Read up on this, talk to him, share your readings, and see if there is a compromise.
Author Damaged217 Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 Talk to him. Tell him you miss the little touches & also schedule some alone time for yourself. When was the last time you went out with just your friends? When was the last time you didn't spend the night together? Pick next Tuesday & separate so you can regroup. Both DH & I need a lot of alone time. It's not a bad thing & it doesn't mean you don't love the other person. It just means you want to be quiet. I run and do a lot of races and yesterday I ran a race and had brunch with the girls. I'm grabbing margaritas with the girls tonight as well. He called me and asked what I was going to be doing later tonight and I told him. I think he was waiting for me to ask if he was going to sleep over, but I didn't. I'm pretty sure his feelings are hurt because of this. I have a life outside of him and I think that's healthy and necessary for a relationship to thrive. He seems to want to spend all of his free time with me and I just can't deal with that. My first relationship was all-consuming and we didn't have lives outside of each other. As a result, when the relationship ultimately ended, I became depressed and took it VERY hard. It's because I made him my whole world and I didn't know what to do with myself without him. He took it even worse. I learned a lot of things from that relationship and having a life outside of your relationship is one big one. What do you guys think about that book The 5 Love Languages? My bf and I definitely have different love languages. His is spending quality time together while mine is a mix between words of affirmation and receiving gifts. I think the problem is that he doesn't understand mine. Would it be silly to bring up this book to get the conversation going?
Phantom888 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 It's only been less than 6 months, which means you moved way too fast and you are now somewhat tired of him. You know that's what happened. Are you two old enough to talk about marriage, or are you young people still exploring? If it's the latter, I suggest you break up now, as it is inevitable. If you are within range of marriage, ask yourself if you would want to spend you life every day like this. If not, then move on.
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 These are the kinds of situations women tend to communicate very poorly in, as communicating your expectations, concerns and expressing a thought or feeling before it becomes a bigger problem. You can't just sit on the sidelines and be timid and watch your relationship go by, just because you play everything on the mans' shoulders...be a grown woman and speak your mind, stop diddle daddling (or however you say that) and beating around the bush until he like gets the hint or message, it's just an entirely immature and ridiculous way to communicate in a relationship...It's bizarre to me how people can welcome others into their homes, their bed and their life and yet can't utter a few sentences out of their mouth to express something that they feel...what a @ss backwards way to have a relationship, how do you survive? I think it's great you've got your own personal time and still spending time with the girls...I don't think this guy is necessarily into you or this great romantic I think he's just dependent and wanted to seal the deal solidifying this relationship and going into dependent and needy mode...he sounds like he's just fresh out of a long term relationship judging by his behavior or he's just the kind of guy...as remarkable of a woman I'm sure you are, contrary to popular belief things don't happen out of love more than they tend to happen out of habit, personal habits. So realize his behavior may have NOTHING to do with you, he may just be this kind of guy, he may be insecure, needy and dependent. You need to be strong and firm about what your expectations and needs are and you need to express that to him in a way that you aren't necessarily afraid to hurt his feelings because if you're pissing around trying to make sure you don't hurt Mr. Sensitive then you're going to find yourself harboring a lot of feelings and creating resentments...you have to actually say what you feel and need even if it hurts the other person because that's what is called honesty, a mind-boggling isn't it? So what I suggest for people who can't just rattle off like I can without having a seconds moment of preparation, either get yourself and your thoughts to together and build up little might mouse courage and pitch your speech, or write him a letter expressing what your needs and feelings are entirely so that he actually knows how you feel as a whole...wouldn't that be CRAZY if he knew what you were thinking and feeling? I know right? amaaaazing! Stop trying to make excuses and being a big chicken avoiding your problems, you're not going to have a successful healthy relationship playing these little kid games with each other, if you want to be an adult and have an openly expressive and communicative relationship then you start from the beginning and you expect the same in return, it's compromise, it's compatibility...contrary to popular belief it's not about you being the "perfect" GF or being the "perfect girl" or whatever it is, love and relationships actually take some natural effortless compatibility...things you can't control, but like most people they get this idea in their head that they need to like do this whole dance of avoidance and just let crap like eventually gel together by just ignoring the problems....and then they wonder why their lives and relationships are all jacked up. Don't be another ones of those! we've got too many already, start taking control of your life, start living for you, not for relationships or men or out of fear and accept the consequences and the fact that you cannot control or contain everything without paying a price, one that usually comes right out of your soul...and it's not for the sake of sacrifice, it's just denial. 2
Author Damaged217 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 It's only been less than 6 months, which means you moved way too fast and you are now somewhat tired of him. You know that's what happened. Are you two old enough to talk about marriage, or are you young people still exploring? If it's the latter, I suggest you break up now, as it is inevitable. If you are within range of marriage, ask yourself if you would want to spend you life every day like this. If not, then move on. I'm 30, he's going to turn 28 soon. We were at a christening reception the other day and someone mistook me for his wife. He said "No, not yet" and smiled at me. I am ready to settle down. I'm just not sure if he is "the one" yet. I don't think you really get to know someone until you've dated for at least a couple of years. I learned that lesson after my first love. He's definitely marriage material and we do laugh a lot together and have a lot of fun. It's not the amount of time we are spending together that's the problem as much as it is the fact that he doesn't seem to try anymore with the cutesie things.
Author Damaged217 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 These are the kinds of situations women tend to communicate very poorly in, as communicating your expectations, concerns and expressing a thought or feeling before it becomes a bigger problem. You can't just sit on the sidelines and be timid and watch your relationship go by, just because you play everything on the mans' shoulders...be a grown woman and speak your mind, stop diddle daddling (or however you say that) and beating around the bush until he like gets the hint or message, it's just an entirely immature and ridiculous way to communicate in a relationship...It's bizarre to me how people can welcome others into their homes, their bed and their life and yet can't utter a few sentences out of their mouth to express something that they feel...what a @ss backwards way to have a relationship, how do you survive? I think it's great you've got your own personal time and still spending time with the girls...I don't think this guy is necessarily into you or this great romantic I think he's just dependent and wanted to seal the deal solidifying this relationship and going into dependent and needy mode...he sounds like he's just fresh out of a long term relationship judging by his behavior or he's just the kind of guy...as remarkable of a woman I'm sure you are, contrary to popular belief things don't happen out of love more than they tend to happen out of habit, personal habits. So realize his behavior may have NOTHING to do with you, he may just be this kind of guy, he may be insecure, needy and dependent. You need to be strong and firm about what your expectations and needs are and you need to express that to him in a way that you aren't necessarily afraid to hurt his feelings because if you're pissing around trying to make sure you don't hurt Mr. Sensitive then you're going to find yourself harboring a lot of feelings and creating resentments...you have to actually say what you feel and need even if it hurts the other person because that's what is called honesty, a mind-boggling isn't it? So what I suggest for people who can't just rattle off like I can without having a seconds moment of preparation, either get yourself and your thoughts to together and build up little might mouse courage and pitch your speech, or write him a letter expressing what your needs and feelings are entirely so that he actually knows how you feel as a whole...wouldn't that be CRAZY if he knew what you were thinking and feeling? I know right? amaaaazing! Stop trying to make excuses and being a big chicken avoiding your problems, you're not going to have a successful healthy relationship playing these little kid games with each other, if you want to be an adult and have an openly expressive and communicative relationship then you start from the beginning and you expect the same in return, it's compromise, it's compatibility...contrary to popular belief it's not about you being the "perfect" GF or being the "perfect girl" or whatever it is, love and relationships actually take some natural effortless compatibility...things you can't control, but like most people they get this idea in their head that they need to like do this whole dance of avoidance and just let crap like eventually gel together by just ignoring the problems....and then they wonder why their lives and relationships are all jacked up. Don't be another ones of those! we've got too many already, start taking control of your life, start living for you, not for relationships or men or out of fear and accept the consequences and the fact that you cannot control or contain everything without paying a price, one that usually comes right out of your soul...and it's not for the sake of sacrifice, it's just denial. I'm pretty sure I said that I was definitely going to talk to him because I didn't want to end up resenting him and just exploding one day. I wil definitely tell him how I feel, but there's ways to say things that are nicer than others and I tend to just say what's on my mind without thinking and that usually causes problems. That's why I was asking for advice as to how to talk about my issues. I'd rather not hurt his feelings if I can avoid it. He was actually single for about 2 years before I met him. He had always been in long-term relationships before and he did mention that he used to spend all of his time with those girls as well. So it does seem like he has a tendency to cling. He doesn't have a problem with me hanging out with my friends without him or anything like that. But he doesn't seem to understand when I want time alone. I think I'm just more annoyed than usual because I have other things going on and am very stressed. I've been bickering with my bf a lot the past 2 weeks and I think it may just be due to the stress that I am under.
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 I'm pretty sure I said that I was definitely going to talk to him because I didn't want to end up resenting him and just exploding one day. I wil definitely tell him how I feel, but there's ways to say things that are nicer than others and I tend to just say what's on my mind without thinking and that usually causes problems. That's why I was asking for advice as to how to talk about my issues. I'd rather not hurt his feelings if I can avoid it. There are "nice" things or ways of going about things, however that's typically synonymous with sugar-coating the truth and being selective about what you say and how you say it, so much so that you eventually start basically speaking in tongues and possibly not even being clear at all to him, and only expressing half of what you really felt, because you're so consumed with the process of trying to figure out how to "word" your phrases and everything else until it's like this perfect little box that hurts him the itty bittiest, and really the truth of it is you're just scared so you're avoiding it. You already know exactly how you feel and how to make that clear, there should be no reason for hesitation...if it hurts him it hurts him there's no way to avoid pain in relationships or even misunderstandings that's why you continue to communicate, the whole world doesn't just end, and are you really trying to tell me you're scared of making him feel a boo boo more than you are really just scared of what could happen next? I think you're using his feelings as an excuse to procrastinate the entire situation, it's entirely about something else, you want to find some "solution" that like sends him the message without you having to say what you want or how you really feel...typical female predicament, and honestly it's cowardly and reveals an insecurity within yourself, because you have to be honest with yourself and be honest with your partner rather than feel like you need to put on a show or provide something for someone you and force the situation instead...but you're not getting it, you're just going to continue searching for some 50/50 "compromise" that results in poor communication likely. He was actually single for about 2 years before I met him. He had always been in long-term relationships before and he did mention that he used to spend all of his time with those girls as well. So it does seem like he has a tendency to cling. He doesn't have a problem with me hanging out with my friends without him or anything like that. But he doesn't seem to understand when I want time alone. I think I'm just more annoyed than usual because I have other things going on and am very stressed. I've been bickering with my bf a lot the past 2 weeks and I think it may just be due to the stress that I am under. That's good news he was single for about two years, however do you have any idea if he's gotten over his ex? do you understand what happened there and how his behavior or emotions might reflect on his current actions today? not that you're a therapist or anything, but that might give you a few clues. He has likely consumed himself within every woman he's been with, that's why he's continued with the cycle of long-term relationships, for some guys that is their safety net...as often as people like to think people do or say things because of "special" feelings with them, there's often a cyclically behavior present that's entirely independent of them, because people often think neediness and infatuation, even insecurity is "love". I understand you're stressed, but again you're making excuses, you're looking for a way to discredit how you feel and take the blame so that you don't have to confront him, at least not with everything and again not being entirely clear because you're afraid to voice your true feelings...but just think about for a moment what will come of that as you continue on in a relationship only being so open, what kind of relationship do you really create in time with a person out of that, a relationship where someone doesn't know you or understand your feelings and thoughts because you never truly expressed them maybe? and then maybe doesn't ever think there's a problem or understands how you feel? Your stresses are compounding with this feeling of being suffocated and you cannot hold yourself underwater without air forever, something is going to give and this how the seeds of future problems and issues are planted...but you know what you want and you need, you're the one holding yourself back.
Author Damaged217 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 I'm quite certain he's over his exes. I've had 3 past relationships end because the guy was NOT over his ex. I know what to look for and he seems to be over them completely. Besides, he's told me I'm nothing like them, so I know he's not clinging to me because I remind him of an ex or anything like that. Although I don't enjoy being called a "coward," you're essentially right. I just need to put my big girl pants on and speak from the heart and just hope he doesn't take things the wrong way. Wish me luck!
DArtagnan2 Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 do you have any guy friends? or know another couple that maybe you can have a night of friends over and other couples to get together. Then he can meet some other guys and form friendships. This would maybe give him some other things to do instead of having so much free time.
Author Damaged217 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 do you have any guy friends? or know another couple that maybe you can have a night of friends over and other couples to get together. Then he can meet some other guys and form friendships. This would maybe give him some other things to do instead of having so much free time. What's funny is that he has A LOT of friends. He'll drag me to his friends events like watching football games at someone's house or friends birthday parties, but he rarely goes solo to any of these things. The other day he invited me to watch the Blackhawks game at his friend's house (I would've been the only girl). I was running late with my friends and I couldn't make it so I told him to go without me. Shockingly, he did. But he came over immediately after the game was over, lol. This is the pattern I've noticed when he does see his friends. He'll hang out with them for a little bit then it's straight to my apartment. He's going to some country music festival for a long weekend with his friends in a month or 2 and he said he was actually excited for that. He told me he never sees his friends any more and I encouraged him to hang out with them. But he says he would rather spend time with me. It's sweet and all, but darnit, I need my alone time!
Author Damaged217 Posted May 11, 2014 Author Posted May 11, 2014 So I spoke to my bf last night about this and he is taking it personally, even though he won't admit it. He became quiet and distant. I finally got him to talk and he asked me where I saw myself in 10 years. I told him that I would like to be married and have a home. He asked how the whole me needing alone time thing would work then and I didn't really have an answer... I obviously need more alone time than my boyfriend. I asked him for just one night a week where we keep to ourselves. But how WOULD that work in a marriage? My first relationship was a long-distance one and my second lived 45 minutes away and I only saw him once or twice a week. My current bf also lives 45 minutes away but he always comes over to see me. I'm not used to this. I'm used to having a lot of alone time. I don't know how to make my boyfriend understand this need to be alone without him taking it personally. I think he feels like he's suffocating me or annoying me and I feel like crap that he feels that way. He gets that I want to hang out with just my friends sometimes and he's perfectly fine with that. But he just does not understand me wanting to be alone. How do I explain this to him so he understands?
singhnatasha903 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 alright... i think you need to make him understand this is YOUR personality trait and has nothing to do with you not liking or wanting to spend time with HIM... if i were you, what id do is... when youre hanging out and watching tv or just chilling, tell him something like, "so theres this really fun new restaurant thats opened up, how about i take you for dinner there (two days later) just the two of us, but a proper romantic date. old school, we can catch up with everyone else later", and when hes happy about the fact that you want to spend alone time with him, in a bit say something like, "so tomorrow i plan to spend the evening sorting out some old photographs and reading this book i just bought, i think i want to spend some chiller spa time (not all at once!), got some errands to run etc, so i may not be able to hang out"... get my drift? balance out all the things you DO want to do with him while telling him you need space. that way hel realize youre making plans to hang out and wont feel bad about your alone time needs...
Hopeful30 Posted May 11, 2014 Posted May 11, 2014 Just tell him you feel things moved too fast and you're afraid it might spoil what you have. Say you want to slow things down a bit and put down what you mean by that (for example, no more sleepovers, no this, no that etc). Then take it from there and see how things go. And I agree with you, he needs to miss you, and he can't do that when you're together ALL the time. 1
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