My next move....

[cs82]

Hi

 

I want to share my recent breakup story in search for advice and how to handle to situation moving forward

 

I am 32 and my now ex partner 24. We have been together for 3 years and have lived together for 2 of them.

Our relationship is what i would have described as a strong one, got on exceptionally well on every level, similar interests, similar views on things etc etc. Never argued or disagreed and was never hurtful or nasty to each other. We were lovers and best friends.

 

About 18 months back, we talked about buying a house together, the house we lived in was my property so we wanted to buy one together so its both of ours and we can build our future in that new house.

 

It took over a year to sell the house I am in which we finally accepted an offer on in Jan 2014.

From Jan onwards the pressure has has mounted to find a new house more and more as the sale of ours was proceeding. We looked at a few properties, one of which was at the lower end of the budget we we made an offer on. My GF was extremely excited about the house etc told friends and family, looked at new decor, ornaments, etc etc. I had a feeling it wasnt quite right in size and eventually after viewing it again, we cancelled our offer. More me than her with this but she did agree (wether she meant it or not i dont know)

We continued to look at other houses with the view of if we are going to do it, do it properly, pay more, push the boundries, extend the length of the mortgage and go for the forever house now.

We looked around found some we like but couldnt quite get to one that we both really liked and commit too.

The last 4 months have been harder and some of the fun of our relationship has dissapeared as we both work long hours including weekends and have then spent eavening stawling through property websites, analysign budget spreadsheets etc etc.

 

Time has moved on and our sale of my house was due to complete Tuesday 22nd April, we decided to both temporarily move back to parents, take our holiday which was booked for 11th May (10 nights) and start looking again when we returned to find our dream home, in the mean time save some extra money while at parents. Both agreed and were happy with this process.

 

2 weeks ago, we woke up after a night out, Mon 21st April and for the first time i sensed something was wrong. I asked her was she ok, she said yes, i sensed she wasnt, I asked are you sure, she sat next to me and said

"im having secon thoughts over buying a house together and over us"

She felt the fun had gone out of the relationship and she felt she needs to "find herself"

My world fell apart, i was shocked, hurt, upset you name it. It got slightly heated although I was never nasty to her. She left the house at 1045 am to start her job at 11am.

I text her a few times with no reply.

At 430pm she returned to the house. Sat down with me and explained a litle more she didnt know how she felt, just "numb" that she didnt know if she was in live with me, or what she wanted and she had to do what she was doing. She packed all her belonging in her car and drove away and thats the last I saw of her.

 

I have been broken hearted and cried every day since.

I text her on the Tuesday a polite message asking why etc of to which I got no reply. I then text again on the Wednesday saying i need to know reasons, can she please explain and we have such a fantastic future together etc, again no reply.

I then text her last Saturday saying I think about her every day and when she is ready, dont ever be frightened to pick up the phone. Again no reply.

Tuesday this week, i then sent another text saying that its important I try and get some closure as its torturing me inside, could she please reply otherwise my only option would be to go to her parents and see her.

 

This then did get a response. It said she hasnt replied as she felt she has said everything she needs to, she didnt see it coming and its the last thing she expected but she has tried to fight it but there is just no way. She is happy on her own now (1 week) please dont reply and thank you for everything I have done for her and she wishes me nothing but happiness.

 

I replied saying I accept your decision and the last thing I want is to be with someone who doesnt want to be with me. Although I think the way you have done this has been cold and disrespectful and isnt the real you. I wish you all the best and happiness in your future.

 

We have had no contact since.

 

After looking aorund the site, the symptoms of this point me straight to GIGS

Girl - 24

About to make a big commitments

No signs leading upto it (there was nothing, i have wracked my brains so hard)

Cant really explain apart from feeling "numb" and having "second thoughts" is all I have from her.

 

I have tried to be as mature as possible about things but feel after the last texts that its left a slight sower taste and not open to contact when she is ready.

It is what would be our 3 year anniversary next weekend and I was thinking of sending some flowers with a note saying "I love you" and thats all.

 

I dont thing there is anyone else involved, I know you can never be 100% sure but id be 95%

 

Any advice on what to do next or what not to do. If i need to let her go then I need to let her go, I just want it to be done maturely and nicely rather than leaving after a sour text.

 

The relationship we had was fantastic, everyone who knows us who I have told is gobsmacked. Its such a shock to everyone.

 

Any questions please ask. Any advice appreciated

[Strength in Healing]

You have done all you can, brother. You told her to reach out to you if she wants to. There is nothing else you can do. You don't have the power to use magic words and will you two together again. It is COMPLETELY in her court, and you MUST stay straight no contact.

 

I will tell you what you don't want to hear, only because I've seen it to be true in others as well as my own experience -- she likely found someone else.

 

You need to tell yourself that the girl you love isn't the girl she was. If she was the girl you thought, she would never have done this.

 

THIS is who she really is.

 

Brace for the pain, but do not reach out to her again. She has your number, you've texted her like 5+ times and got NOWHERE -- it's up to her to reach out to you. Remind yourself of this every day. IT'S UP TO HER.

 

Stay strong.

[Elle1975]

I had the same feeling while reading your post. I believe there is someone else. Probably why she doesn't give you the answers you're looking for.

[cs82]

That was my first thought, someone else it must be why otherwise would she do this.

I've then analysed the possibility.

She spends every spare minute out of work with me. The day before we split she had the whole evening to herself from 6pm until 11pm when I returned home and all the time she was in the house alone. My parents live down the road and can see my house.

The days before we have been holding hands, cuddling in bed, sexual, her behaviour was never any different.

We only booked our holiday 25th feb

On 7th April she gave me £500 to keep aside for her holiday for her spending money, would someone having second thoughts do that?

 

We also work in the same company but different branches. I understand at work she has been quiet and down and not her self since the split so it's effecting her also.

[Strength in Healing]

On 7th April she gave me £500 to keep aside for her holiday for her spending money, would someone having second thoughts do that?

 

 

This could've been an effort, consciously or subconsciously to give her a reason to stick with you (or choose you over someone else). Could be a result of guilt, or many emotions.

 

I don't believe anyone just loses their feelings over night. I believe people meet or are interested in someone else, and go into denial, but usually they close their current chapter and move to the next one, so to speak... Remember, cheating doesn't always start physically...

[FortunateSon]

I had the same feeling while reading your post. I believe there is someone else. Probably why she doesn't give you the answers you're looking for.

After reading it, this was my first thought too. Seems very abrupt and odd that she wouldn't give you more answers after almost 3 years together.

[cs82]

This could've been an effort, consciously or subconsciously to give her a reason to stick with you (or choose you over someone else). Could be a result of guilt, or many emotions.

 

I don't believe anyone just loses their feelings over night. I believe people meet or are interested in someone else, and go into denial, but usually they close their current chapter and move to the next one, so to speak... Remember, cheating doesn't always start physically...

 

I don't believe they can either.

I'm hoping that the reality of the pressure of buying the house, a 30 year mortgage etc is what has caused the doubt and the need to run.

I'm hoping that it's a phase of fear that she thinks if she doesn't want the house then she mustn't want me and musnt love me etc etc and has caused her confusion

 

I hope that is the case

[cs82]

After reading it, this was my first thought too. Seems very abrupt and odd that she wouldn't give you more answers after almost 3 years together.

 

Could it be a wobble rather that permanent?

[inlin]

Hey Ive been going through the same thing but a little different. My relationship lasted for 1.5 or so and she ended it abruptly with little to no valid reasons as to why her feelings changed for me. I hope you get a speedy recovery and try to keep yourself busy. I also don't know if she found someone else but she said that there is no one else involved. Not sure what to think about it.

[cs82]

Hey Ive been going through the same thing but a little different. My relationship lasted for 1.5 or so and she ended it abruptly with little to no valid reasons as to why her feelings changed for me. I hope you get a speedy recovery and try to keep yourself busy. I also don't know if she found someone else but she said that there is no one else involved. Not sure what to think about it.

 

I did ask her directly, she said no. For now I believe her as there is too much pointing at other reasons.

[Strength in Healing]

They ALWAYS say no. Until you bust them. Like I did.

 

Damn liars.

 

 

ANYWAYS...

 

Yeah, all that stuff was a lot. No doubt. A 30-year commitment 3 years into a relationship may be worrisome, though it shouldn't have been in normal cases perhaps. My advice, though, is you are in your 30s, find someone closer to your age, as they will be more where you are in life, you know?

[FredJones80]

If she did find someone else or didn't isn't really important. Sure it might be likely she did, however she might not of. A lot of people will tell you that it is basically 100% she did, but every situation is unique and none of us know your or her history or personalities enough to say for certain.

 

Either way it isn't really important, saying she found someone else doesn't really help you and probably just causes more hurt. Its bugging me a little that every reply to every broken hearted person on here is... "this is why he/she left.. they found someone else" - sure, maybe they did, but it isn't certain and it will only add to your pain.

 

Stick to your guns, if you think she didn't then keep that in your head, you know her better than me or anyone else, doesn't mean you're right, just means follow your instinct.

 

My personal opinion (which is probably wrong too) - 24 is rather young and settling down at that age might start putting people off, it might also depend what she has experienced in life, has she had a lot of other relationships so knows she is happy to be with you, is this her first. These are all the questions you should ask.

 

Some 24 years old's are mature and will happily settle down and have kids etc, others are very childish, all depends on the person.

 

Either way, the fact is she is gone. As long as you've done all you can (yes, "all" never seems enough) then you have to leave the ball in her court. Best suggestion as other have said is go No Contact, if you're certain there isn't someone else maybe contact her once again in 2-3 weeks just to see if she has reconsidered, don't get your hopes up though because if she hasn't contacted you the chances are she hasn't ... if nothing has changed then all I can say is I feel sorry for you.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

If she did find someone else or didn't isn't really important. Sure it might be likely she did, however she might not of. A lot of people will tell you that it is basically 100% she did, but every situation is unique and none of us know your or her history or personalities enough to say for certain.

 

Either way it isn't really important, saying she found someone else doesn't really help you and probably just causes more hurt. Its bugging me a little that every reply to every broken hearted person on here is... "this is why he/she left.. they found someone else" - sure, maybe they did, but it isn't certain and it will only add to your pain.

 

Stick to your guns, if you think she didn't then keep that in your head, you know her better than me or anyone else, doesn't mean you're right, just means follow your instinct.

 

My personal opinion (which is probably wrong too) - 24 is rather young and settling down at that age might start putting people off, it might also depend what she has experienced in life, has she had a lot of other relationships so knows she is happy to be with you, is this her first. These are all the questions you should ask.

 

Some 24 years old's are mature and will happily settle down and have kids etc, others are very childish, all depends on the person.

 

Either way, the fact is she is gone. As long as you've done all you can (yes, "all" never seems enough) then you have to leave the ball in her court. Best suggestion as other have said is go No Contact, if you're certain there isn't someone else maybe contact her once again in 2-3 weeks just to see if she has reconsidered, don't get your hopes up though because if she hasn't contacted you the chances are she hasn't ... if nothing has changed then all I can say is I feel sorry for you.

 

Why in the WORLD would you keep contacting her every two or three weeks to be like "Hey,you changed your mind yet?" There is absolutely no purpose to keep ANY sort of contact. "Just checking in to make sure you havent changed your mind. I'm just chilling here waiting on you." lol

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CS82, look man, I do agree that no matter if she found someone else or not isnt really your issue anymore. She is making it VERY VERY clear that she does not want you to contact her or persue this anymore. ALL you are doing by keeping constant contact is pushing her THAT much farther away. You are look pretty bad by doing all of that. Not responding for so long and then writing that message to you after almost begging for contact is her way of saying "Sucks you feel bad, but its not my problem."

 

Things like this suck, I understand. Hell, we all do. We also know the things you are doing are only hurting and not helping. The flowers idea is pretty bad too. She knows how you feel, you made it clear and that is ALL you can do. Now, you need to let her go fully. No text, e-mails, gifts, social media checkups, NOTHING. Literally, take her away from everything.

 

You are going to kill yourself (figuratively) if you try and keep finding reasons why she left. Another person, "GIGS", loss of feelings, etc.....its going to consume you. Just realize the things you can do better at next time and then go from there. I cant tell you whether or not she will EVER come back (my house money is she was already gone mentally for quite a long time and just fully did it, no matter what she told you. The chances of her reconsidering are VERY slim), but I can probably guess that she will throw some breadcrumbs at you at some point. Those are messages like "I hope you're doing well" or "Wanted to make sure you're okay" or "I miss you" or something like that. Will get your hopes up when in reality, its all about making sure THEY are okay. More or less, feeling guilty. Just dont fall for those.

 

Anyways, a long message just to say stop contacting her, and start healing.

[awesome0]

Hey man though my advice might not mean as much as others but I went through something similar. I am also 32 my ex was also 24. I was broken up with wasn't given a real "reason" either. Chances are its a combination of youth, life inexperience, meeting someone else, and gigs. For me I was heartbroken and she texted me for weeks after, and although she didn't technically cheat, she had found someone else, just waited to dump me before she went to them. I'm not saying it's by any means the same, just give her space for a while, if she is meant to come back she will, but don't wait around for it if you can. I know easier said than done, but I guarantee you will be in a much better situation in life than she will down the road, and she will realize it. Keep your head up

Edited May 5, 2014 by awesome0

[lolablue17]

When things get serious, like marriage, pregnancy, buying a property, it can be very stressful and demanding. It's some kind of a test to your relationship, if it can survive difficulties like this one.

 

Belive me, when you have kids and mortgage, it becomes much harder. The stress frightened her, and she felt she is not ready to that kind of commitment with you, or with anybody else right now.

 

she is only 24. She is not mature enough to that kind of stress. She judges things through the perspective of: "Is it fun or not"? She is not in the same age\phase in life as you.

 

So what happened was inevitable. Let her go. You dont want to marry her. she needs to grow up, maybe in another time.

[cs82]

Thanks for your replays guys

 

Today has been a realisation day that it really is over and I need to let it go. I have been clinging on to some false hope for 2 weeks and not a single sign points at the fact she is to change her mind. It's only been 2 weeks, it feels like an eternity but the reality is I need to stay NC Now and if she comes back to me, hopefully I will be in a stronger position and make a proper decision based on the reality of this situation.

[FredJones80]

Thanks for your replays guys

 

Today has been a realisation day that it really is over and I need to let it go. I have been clinging on to some false hope for 2 weeks and not a single sign points at the fact she is to change her mind. It's only been 2 weeks, it feels like an eternity but the reality is I need to stay NC Now and if she comes back to me, hopefully I will be in a stronger position and make a proper decision based on the reality of this situation.

 

You've been dealt a hand you didn't want and all you can do now is the best with what you've got. Keep your head up.

[cs82]

You've been dealt a hand you didn't want and all you can do now is the best with what you've got. Keep your head up.

 

 

I agree.

 

I have a question, its what would be our 3 year anniversary this saturday, I asked about the flowers.

I also have a box of her things she left at the house.

 

Do I just turn up at her parents and return her things and leave things on a positive note and take the flowers.

Do i message her and ask her to meet and return her things?

Do I just leave it

 

Im very confused what to do. I want to be ammicable, i dont hate her, she has made a decision which she needed to make at this time in her life and I respect that. I just want her to know I respect that.

 

Sounds cheesey but its something I feel I need to do

[cs82]

Hi

 

I've not visited this site in a while and a year on from my breakup, I just wanted to post to all those out there struggling as more confirmation that time really is the only healer.

 

In a nutshell I never did hear back from her again, rumours were she met someone else and she did move 200 miles away so I've never seen or bumped into her either.

 

I'm in a place now where I am much happier, bought myself a new house, progressed in my career and am as happy now if not happier than I have ever been.

 

Do I miss her? No not at all. What's done is done.

 

I've become a stronger person, went through a phase of realising who and

What is important in my life.

 

I am all settled in my new home, looking forward to a great summer and want to say to all about there, it does get better, stay strong, love yourself and work on yourself, the rest will certainly fall right into place for you

 

Any questions, feel free to ask.