How we process\communicate relationship challenges, hurt, etc

[Babolat]

I struggled with the title of this thread. basically, I am thinking how differently people process hurt, being upset, confused, relationship challenges and the like.

 

The woman I am starting to see and I had our first "bump in the road" this weekend. I felt hurt about something:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/473637-how-manage-when-your-partners-ex-stalking-them

 

so I shut down and was terse in my communication (all texting) with her thereafter. In my own hurtful way I know I was "punishing" her. I've done this in the past, but it's been a looong time so I surprised myself. I thought I had worked through this. I caught myself quickly, which is progess I think, and was able to talk to her about it, apologize and accept my actions/behavior and that it hurt her and made her sad

 

We talked in person last night and both agreed we should not be texting about stuff like this as we both had a lot of text confusion, which added to our hurt. She said she feels sad about how I was short and brief with her, like it was her fault, when it really was not. .

 

I have discovered though that she is one, when she feels sad, hurt, upset, confused, emotionally overwhelmed, she needs to be "still", quiet, step away if you will, needs her space. We had plans to see each other Saturday night and she changed those plans to spend time with her gf. Honestly, it was the right move and I admire her for doing this.

 

My ex gf was this way too. When we hit a bump in the road, had a challenge, she would disapper for days sometimes, though tell me so prior, that she needed time to process and think. She though could only talk for an hour and would shut down. She would even tell me "I can only talk for an hour, after that I can't focus".

 

For what it's worth, both are ENFP Personality Types, I'm an ISTJ.

 

I am one who wants to solve things right away, talk, work it out, etc.

 

When she came over yesterday we went for a long walk. She expressed how my comments made her feel. I listened, apologized as I sincerely did not realize how many words impacted/affected her. I repeated what I heard, and it went well. I did the same, sharing how I felt, she listend, all was good. Soooo much better than talks went with my ex. We talked about our current situation, what now, what can we do, expectations and the like. We ended up back at my house, talked some more, had some smiles and laughs, and all felt good. She had dinner plans with a gf and left. Her body language was off, a little distant. I commented on it and she agreed. She was not able to make eye contact a lot with me either. So, I knew whe was hurt, sad and upset.

 

I texted her a "thank you for talking" kind of text around 11PM and good night. Our texting behavior/pattern to date, except for this weekend of course, has been some kind of "Good Night" and some kind of "Hi" the next day and maybe some lite fun texting throughout the day, dependiing on our work schedules. She sent me an "I'm sorry for how things worked out tonight" text Friday night that I never replied to because I was hurt. She mentioned that yesterday, that I did not acknowledge her text, her apology, and that bothered her.

 

I have not heard anything from her since she left at 7:30PM yesterday. It's now 2:30PM. We have plans to see each other tomorrow night. She will usually send me a "Hi!" text sometime in the morning, which I love, her way of saying "I am thinking about you". Nothing today. She did this over the weekend, which is when I was short and terse in my reply and then k ind of dumped on her about what was bothering me.

 

I'm concerned for her well being given what's going on in her life at this time, yet at the same time I want to respect her need for space and such now that I know this about her.

 

Have any of you been in a similar relationship, where your partner is like her? When she is upset, sad, hurt, confused, feels overwhelmend she kind of shuts down and "disappears" until she can collect herself? If so, how have you handled this? With my ex, I gave her her space and knew at some point she would come back and say "Okay, now I'm ready to talk". I actually liked this about her, though is was a source of frustration at the same time.

 

What's different here, is we did talk, yesterday, and the talk went well, and felt good. Though I could tell she was not back to the place we were at prior to this bump in the road.

 

The current woman is a little differnt than my ex gf though. She actually talked yesterday, she listened. she expressed how she felt, and it was very cool talking to her. She is introspective and as she put it, she knows herself now and knows when she needs to just be still. She alos knows what she can and can't control in her life and tries ot manage what she can and accept what she can't, and not obsess over it.

 

She is going through a pretty big crisis right now too.

 

I'm hoping this is not a pattern in the women I attract as my ex-wife as this way too; though she could not talk at all, she would just shut down.

Edited May 5, 2014 by Babolat

[Gaeta]

What did you tell her that was so hurtful?

 

I don't see anything wrong in her way of communicating. I see a problem with yours and you seem to be aware of your short comings in that area.

[Babolat]

I was short in my replies to her the following morning when she was trying to firm up our evening plans. I also ignored her last text the night before, when she was apologizing for the confusion (I had to leave after only being at her house for 10 mins because her son was coming back to pick something up). It was the 4th time in a row a date was "interupted", the prior 3 by her stalking ex. I just got hurt and did not handle it well, I shut down. Yesterday when I told her this she said "I thought you did not want to be with me" and "In the future can you tell me?"

 

And, I made a comparision to the drama she had (her ex stalking her) to the drama in my past relationship and how it caused me anxiety. Yeah, big mistake, and I know it upset her. My intent was to say "I am feeling anxious and this is why". I should not have used my past rrelationship as a way to share that. When I re-read my text on that I thought "why did you say that?". When we talked yesterday she said "all of the texting was about you, your feelings, which I understand, though there is nothing I can do other than what I am doing. I can't change this situation." I think I really hurt her by sharing my feelings, talking about how I feel when this is out of her control. She said she was trying to be open about everything and also share her feelings, and she felt like I did not hear her. I've been playing the stable, strong nice guy to date. Something about seeing him last Tuesday made all of this more real to me. And, I started to shut down emotionally.

 

I am not saying there is anything wrong with her way of communicating. I loved the way she was able to talk yesterday after taking a "day off" from seeing me. I admire it.

 

I guess I am just looking for feedback, stories, of others who have had a partner like this. One who needs time to process, think, sit still. Was no contact the best solution? Wait for her to contact me? That's my plan with her though I also don't want her to feel like I don't care or not thinking about her, as I am.

 

I do not plan to contact her, yet I am worried about her given her current crisis. I have no idea if she is physically okay right now. And, I miss the texting behavior we had established, yet I know things are kind of messy right now.

Edited May 5, 2014 by Babolat

[carhill]

My overwhelming takeaway from your postings is that this interaction is all about her; everything, communication styles included, revolves around her. If she were quietly handing her personal issues and focusing interaction on you and your relationship with her, I might have a different opinion. I'm simply not reading that. Perhaps I missed something along the way.

 

Regarding communication, IMO relationship-oriented communication is most healthfully accomplished in person, looking someone in the eyes. In fact, respecting the advances in technology, I've had to make that an expressed boundary.

 

In the past, unhealthfully, I got all wound up in other people's drama and forgot about my own health and sanity. Often, as you apparently expressed, I'd sense this odd anxious feeling creeping up. I later learned to process that as 'pay attention to yourself for awhile', and this happened more markedly while married and caregiving.

 

While YMMV, I found, predominantly, that women I've experienced in life don't really care about or whether a man hurts, so I have learned to keep such issues to myself as much as possible and, where the hurt is obvious and they are indifferent, to move on from such unproductive relationships. That's how I 'process' it. That said, I do process the few exceptions who demonstrate a modicum of care by directly thanking them for their care and showing appreciation in appropriate ways.

 

I had to do a bit of this processing recently when my best friend's mother died. He and I were fine; the issue was with his wife. I left the issue alone and moved on and confined my interactions with him only. Over time, as has been consistent for a couple decades, she'll process out her stuff and it'll be like nothing had happened. Otherwise, I'd get stuck right in the middle of her drama parade. No thanks, sit it out. Life is too short.

 

When I read your stories, I see an attractive guy with a lot of options who seems to get bound up in drama. I don't really understand why that is, especially with people you have no substantive nor healthy history with and considering there are billions of other strangers to meet. Maybe meeting and greeting more people, over time, will transition these interactions to those which you feel less anxious about and with which all these communication issues become superfluous simply because your styles and temperaments match up better and you're both in the same 'place'. In that quest I wish you well

[saltyfishhead666]

I struggled with the title of this thread. basically, I am thinking how differently people process hurt, being upset, confused, relationship challenges and the like.

 

The woman I am starting to see and I had our first "bump in the road" this weekend. I felt hurt about something:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/473637-how-manage-when-your-partners-ex-stalking-them

 

so I shut down and was terse in my communication (all texting) with her thereafter. In my own hurtful way I know I was "punishing" her. I've done this in the past, but it's been a looong time so I surprised myself. I thought I had worked through this. I caught myself quickly, which is progess I think, and was able to talk to her about it, apologize and accept my actions/behavior and that it hurt her and made her sad

 

We talked in person last night and both agreed we should not be texting about stuff like this as we both had a lot of text confusion, which added to our hurt. She said she feels sad about how I was short and brief with her, like it was her fault, when it really was not. .

 

I have discovered though that she is one, when she feels sad, hurt, upset, confused, emotionally overwhelmed, she needs to be "still", quiet, step away if you will, needs her space. We had plans to see each other Saturday night and she changed those plans to spend time with her gf. Honestly, it was the right move and I admire her for doing this.

 

My ex gf was this way too. When we hit a bump in the road, had a challenge, she would disapper for days sometimes, though tell me so prior, that she needed time to process and think. She though could only talk for an hour and would shut down. She would even tell me "I can only talk for an hour, after that I can't focus".

 

For what it's worth, both are ENFP Personality Types, I'm an ISTJ.

 

I am one who wants to solve things right away, talk, work it out, etc.

 

When she came over yesterday we went for a long walk. She expressed how my comments made her feel. I listened, apologized as I sincerely did not realize how many words impacted/affected her. I repeated what I heard, and it went well. I did the same, sharing how I felt, she listend, all was good. Soooo much better than talks went with my ex. We talked about our current situation, what now, what can we do, expectations and the like. We ended up back at my house, talked some more, had some smiles and laughs, and all felt good. She had dinner plans with a gf and left. Her body language was off, a little distant. I commented on it and she agreed. She was not able to make eye contact a lot with me either. So, I knew whe was hurt, sad and upset.

 

I texted her a "thank you for talking" kind of text around 11PM and good night. Our texting behavior/pattern to date, except for this weekend of course, has been some kind of "Good Night" and some kind of "Hi" the next day and maybe some lite fun texting throughout the day, dependiing on our work schedules. She sent me an "I'm sorry for how things worked out tonight" text Friday night that I never replied to because I was hurt. She mentioned that yesterday, that I did not acknowledge her text, her apology, and that bothered her.

 

I have not heard anything from her since she left at 7:30PM yesterday. It's now 2:30PM. We have plans to see each other tomorrow night. She will usually send me a "Hi!" text sometime in the morning, which I love, her way of saying "I am thinking about you". Nothing today. She did this over the weekend, which is when I was short and terse in my reply and then k ind of dumped on her about what was bothering me.

 

I'm concerned for her well being given what's going on in her life at this time, yet at the same time I want to respect her need for space and such now that I know this about her.

 

Have any of you been in a similar relationship, where your partner is like her? When she is upset, sad, hurt, confused, feels overwhelmend she kind of shuts down and "disappears" until she can collect herself? If so, how have you handled this? With my ex, I gave her her space and knew at some point she would come back and say "Okay, now I'm ready to talk". I actually liked this about her, though is was a source of frustration at the same time.

 

What's different here, is we did talk, yesterday, and the talk went well, and felt good. Though I could tell she was not back to the place we were at prior to this bump in the road.

 

The current woman is a little differnt than my ex gf though. She actually talked yesterday, she listened. she expressed how she felt, and it was very cool talking to her. She is introspective and as she put it, she knows herself now and knows when she needs to just be still. She alos knows what she can and can't control in her life and tries ot manage what she can and accept what she can't, and not obsess over it.

 

She is going through a pretty big crisis right now too.

 

I'm hoping this is not a pattern in the women I attract as my ex-wife as this way too; though she could not talk at all, she would just shut down.

 

 

I have been in this position. My ex was very much like your girlfriend however in the beginning it was a few days of silence (space) and then once that was resolved (usually me chasing him after a good 4,5,6 days) to talk it out it would be somewhat back to normal.

 

However the further the relationship got, the more silence there was and the more extended periods of time it happened.

 

Now I understand some people need to take a step back, think rationally, calm down. However I am the grab the bull by the horns thrash it out type o' girl.

 

Our relationship ended in July last year. It ended because of a 6 week silence. He made a promise (some thing that was very important to me, to our relationship) and didn't follow through.

 

That was the time I threw in the towel and said ya know what, go give someone else the silent treatment. We've not seen or spoken to eachother since.

 

The only advice I would give is allow her some space and don't let whatever the issue is fester. The longer it goes unresolved between you the harder it is to come back.

[Babolat]

My overwhelming takeaway from your postings is that this interaction is all about her; everything, communication styles included, revolves around her. If she were quietly handing her personal issues and focusing interaction on you and your relationship with her, I might have a different opinion. I'm simply not reading that. Perhaps I missed something along the way.

 

I have not felt this from her, others in my past, yes, not her though. Maybe I am blinded to it though. She has been quietly handling the stalking ex. She's been th eone keeping our conversations lite, fun, about us while managing this on her own. She shared some history about it when we first met, then that was it, then he showed up on camera in her house literally as I was walking up to her door (she was looking at videos on her phone as a doggie gate had been knocked over). She said she would have otherwise cancelled our date.

 

She was quiet about it after that too, as she did not want it to be part of us, and I can tell she means that. I bring it up, I'll ask "what's new or changed". Then we saw him out. She's actually done a lot of "work" (talking to the commonwealth attorney, getting a security system, talking to an attorney, the police, etc) she did not share with me since, I asked her and I could tell she was reluctant to share.

 

When I read your stories, I see an attractive guy with a lot of options who seems to get bound up in drama. I don't really understand why that is, especially with people you have no substantive nor healthy history with and considering there are billions of other strangers to meet. Maybe meeting and greeting more people, over time, will transition these interactions to those which you feel less anxious about and with which all these communication issues become superfluous simply because your styles and temperaments match up better and you're both in the same 'place'. In that quest I wish you well

 

A pretty good assessment! I don't know why I am yet again there is drama.

 

I see the good in these woman, the good in us. This woman is a lot different than the others, but yeah, their is this drama, and it's so darn early on in our getting to discover each other. A part of me does want to bail, walk away, yet she's a different one. My best friends call her <insert ex gfs name here> 2.0! She's got all the qualities I loved in y ex gf, without all the ones I did not (drinking, partying, morals, values, etc). We align well on morals, values, character, our life stories, where we are in our lives, etc.

 

What does YMMV mean?

 

This, speaks to me "In the past, unhealthfully, I got all wound up in other people's drama and forgot about my own health and sanity. Often, as you apparently expressed, I'd sense this odd anxious feeling creeping up. I later learned to process that as 'pay attention to yourself for awhile', and this happened more markedly while married and caregiving."

 

I was doing fine with her exes stalking, because I did not see it. Once I did last Tuesday, when I saw him, and I knew he was there to intimidate her, maybe even me, something changed in me.

 

And I could not agree more with the in person communication. Her and I continue to state we should no talk over text (she refers to it as "text confusion"), yet we land in these text conversations. When it started Saturday, when I first replied with how I was feeling, I uggested we meet to talk. I think by then I had done too much damge with my words over text, she was hurt, and even said she would feel awkward meeting to talk and needed a low key night.

[Babolat]

I have been in this position. My ex was very much like your girlfriend however in the beginning it was a few days of silence (space) and then once that was resolved (usually me chasing him after a good 4,5,6 days) to talk it out it would be somewhat back to normal.

 

However the further the relationship got, the more silence there was and the more extended periods of time it happened.

 

Now I understand some people need to take a step back, think rationally, calm down. However I am the grab the bull by the horns thrash it out type o' girl.

 

Our relationship ended in July last year. It ended because of a 6 week silence. He made a promise (some thing that was very important to me, to our relationship) and didn't follow through.

 

That was the time I threw in the towel and said ya know what, go give someone else the silent treatment. We've not seen or spoken to eachother since.

 

The only advice I would give is allow her some space and don't let whatever the issue is fester. The longer it goes unresolved between you the harder it is to come back.

 

I did this a lot in my first marriage; the silent treatment. I was much better in my 2nd marriage as I was aware of it and worked to not do it, and we never had extened silent treatments; more than an hour or so. Towards the end of the marriage though we started having longer ones, mostly initated by her, that went 1-2 days. It was more difficut to give space then, as we lived together. I was the one trying to bring us back together and she would run into a room slamming the door.

 

I will give her space, I think I may need it, too. I am worried about her giving the circumstances with her ex, but I have to assume, physically she is Okay. I'd love to see a "Hi!" from her just to say "I'm Okay".

[saltyfishhead666]

I did this a lot in my first marriage; the silent treatment. I was much better in my 2nd marriage as I was aware of it and worked to not do it, and we never had extened silent treatments; more than an hour or so. Towards the end of the marriage though we started having longer ones, mostly initated by her, that went 1-2 days. It was more difficut to give space then, as we lived together. I was the one trying to bring us back together and she would run into a room slamming the door.

 

I will give her space, I think I may need it, too. I am worried about her giving the circumstances with her ex, but I have to assume, physically she is Okay. I'd love to see a "Hi!" from her just to say "I'm Okay".

 

 

I'm sure she's fine Hun, she's going through a whole lot right now, as you are. You are her other half you are supposed to be concerned.

 

Maybe a nice gesture to let her know you are thinking of her??

 

Flower delivery is always a good move for something like this

[todreaminblue]

i think flowers sounds like a lovely idea like mummy johnno suggested even maybe a pot of living flowers or herbs even scented lavender if she likes to destress with time alone rather than cut flowers

 

 

I often disappear when i am hurt i really loathe crying in front of someone my family knows i will come back,and i am not a huge fan of sympathy or people thinking thats what i want, that makes me feel pathetic and hopeless, sympathy is not for me anyway,waves of sympathy make me feel horrible

 

 

 

i need to heal and process what i am feeling without feeling what others are feeling around me.......because i naturally put whatever i feel aside to process what they are feeling and try and understand them better,which isnt too good because i get backlogged in moments i havent dealt with, that i should have...ever tried to smile when you heart is aching it isnt easy.......hurts more....when you are swallowing pain....locking it away to deal with it later

 

as far as silent treatment goes its a treatment for me......yes i use it.....but its not to annoy or hurt anyone else....i also use silent treatment against people who are aggressive with me.....who lash out either physically or verbally, again, its my way of dealing with difficult people who are out to hurt me...theres nothing i can say to change what they say or do, so silence is my protest...if i do respond i always regret it because they have taken me to a place where i could not control how hurt i got,because i have said something that exposed my vulnerability to them,or i am physically vulnerable, normally this is only with people i care about.......

 

anyone who has suffered some form of abuse will often retreat..have met quite a few....either mentally emotionally or otherwise retreat is not surrender or ignorance....its a healing thing..... its a defense mechanism....

 

my personality is actually fractured due to abuse so yes I retreat...copped to much abuse to take it anymore from people i love and then worry what it was i did to make them feel they could treat me the way they did....that doesnt mean i set out to make others uncomfortable with my silence its necessity and i always come back and i always forgive.......doesn't change how i feel about someone either......

 

I am an extreme case though

 

 

my suggestion

Let her breathe and process,

 

 

send her a pot of herbs lavender or flowers something that will grow not die

(living plants are soothing and nurturing) or even just a three word text ...like......thinking of you......and i wish you well.......good luck...deb

[Babolat]

Thanks for the replies. I was quiet all day. She texted me around 8PM last night with some lite conversation about her son. I got the text around 11PM. I replied with some wit and a smile and no more. No good night from her or me, but I am okay with that.

 

 

I like the flowers idea, though at this nascent stage of the relationship, coupled with everything going on in her life, other I feel it's a little too much.

 

 

We made plans on Sunday to see each other. I'll wait to her from her to contact me if she stills wants to see each other. I plan to be quiet and give her the space she needs right now.

[Babolat]

I get backlogged in moments i havent dealt with, that i should have...ever tried to smile when you heart is aching it isnt easy.......hurts more....when you are swallowing pain....locking it away to deal with it later

 

 

I felt that from her this weekend. She even said she feels like she is in a crisis with the recent events of her ex and the added stressor of my feeling hurt may be too much for her right now. I'm wondering if she has the emotional capacity right now to be in a new relationship.

[carhill]

What does YMMV mean?

 

YMMV= Your mileage my vary = your experience may differ.

 

If what you're stating is accurate, that the lady has been dealing with this quietly and not making you into a sounding board for her drama, then your job is to *let her* handle it quietly and focus on you and your relationship/dating interactions with her. This aspect was part of the takeaway for myself from the MC process where I had to own my own part in being all up in other people's drama, to see that all my 'interest' was in fact an impetus to the sharing which over time I came to loathe as one-sided, as well as anxious about being dramatic. Now, I don't ask people questions about such matters and move on to subjects which are of interest to myself and leave that stuff to the side, whether they like it or not. If that's not adequately 'intimate' for any particular person, that's OK! Billions more to interact with!

[Babolat]

If what you're stating is accurate, that the lady has been dealing with this quietly and not making you into a sounding board for her drama,

This is exactly how she has been dealing with this. With the exception of the 2 dates where "he" interrupted us, (one in person, one when she discovered the video of him being in her house on her phone) where she did talk then, but even then she pulled herself back to "us".

 

 

She has made it clear she does not want this to consume her life nor does she want to obsess over it. She can chose to, and she is chosing not to as much as she can. She said she wants to live her regular life, deal with this as best she can, pushing forward with the charges against him and securing her home, which she has now done.

 

 

It just all caught up with me near the end of last week so I made it an issue for the first time. I shared how I was feeling, and kind of dumped my drama on her. I've asked a few questions a long to way to better understand what I may be getting into. Other than that, I have mostly listened and supported her.

[Babolat]

I think a Iot of this is different personality types. I'm ISTJ. She is ENFP. My ex gf was ENFP too. I read most of this post today and it's 99% me and 99% my ex gf and the current woman. Wondering now if my ex wife was ENFP too.

[Babolat]

I think a Iot of this is different personality types. I'm ISTJ. She is ENFP. My ex gf was ENFP too. I read most of this post today and it's 99% me and 99% my ex gf and the current woman. Wondering now if my ex wife was ENFP too.

I forgot the link

ISTJ and ENFP relationships

[GemmaUK]

I'm talking more generally here but one of the reasons I hate the need there is these days for constant communication by text/calls/social media is that there seems to no longer be any opportunity to reflect on something that happened whether you were the hurter or the hurtee for want of a better way to describe it.

 

There's only two options these days.

 

1. is to talk it all out right away.

 

2. is to do the same thing that is expected the next day and reply to or send the 'Good Morning' text.

 

 

To explain a few things about '1.':

 

There's no opportunity to go away and think about what happened so that you look at all of the things that could add up to the thing that happened.

This is about taking the other person's situation into consideration, what else is going on for you too.

 

When we were kids we would get sent to our room if we were standing in the kitchen screaming and having a tantrum. This was so we could go away and think about what happened.

Often, once calm you'd come back and just apologise because yes it was your fault and you had done wrong.

On other occasions your parent would apologise,or both of you would.

 

To explain a few things about '2.':

This effectively allows/enables the behaviour that you're upset about and feel hurt over. This can be a really bad thing if your partner then thinks what they did which upset you at the time is no longer a problem - so it's obviously acceptable and gives them free reign to do it again as 'it was never a problem before...was it? You didn't say anything and behaved normally the next day so I figured you were OK with it'

 

If you're hurt you do actually want to express that but due to the technological age no matter what has happened it is expected that you 'check in'.

So you end up either having a happy looking text chatter about how your day is going whilst in teh background thinking about the 'issue' and how/when to approach it or you add something to texts to explain that you need to talk about it when you see each other next.

That will then set off a text conversation about the actual issue right there and then and so things gets misinterpreted and it makes the whole situation worse.

This is all bearing in mind that it's just a normal working day and neither of you have any or much opportunity to make a call.

 

One way or another texting and having to 'check in' is going to disappoint one party, upset one party, infuriate one party....

If someone goes quiet and does not text this is going to disappoint one party, upset one party, infuriate one party.

 

So either way no one can break even.

 

Going away to think things over is good for choosing your battles. Some just are not worth it at all, some are worth an honest comment about feelings and that something was unacceptable to you. Some really are worth the battle.

 

I'm one who prefers to process things and I find the use of text and the whole thing about needing to be in contact all the time a real nightmare sometimes.

 

Back in the day you'd go on a date, speak on teh phone a couple fo days later to arrange your next date and then all of the real talking you did was always face to face. If something had hurt you you 'naturally' had time between dates to think about it and figure out whether it was worth saying something , apologising or not worth even mentioning.

[Babolat]

I'm talking more generally here but one of the reasons I hate the need there is these days for constant communication by text/calls/social media is that there seems to no longer be any opportunity to reflect on something that happened whether you were the hurter or the hurtee for want of a better way to describe it.

 

There's only two options these days.

 

1. is to talk it all out right away.

 

2. is to do the same thing that is expected the next day and reply to or send the 'Good Morning' text.

 

 

To explain a few things about '1.':

 

There's no opportunity to go away and think about what happened so that you look at all of the things that could add up to the thing that happened.

This is about taking the other person's situation into consideration, what else is going on for you too.

 

When we were kids we would get sent to our room if we were standing in the kitchen screaming and having a tantrum. This was so we could go away and think about what happened.

Often, once calm you'd come back and just apologise because yes it was your fault and you had done wrong.

On other occasions your parent would apologise,or both of you would.

 

To explain a few things about '2.':

This effectively allows/enables the behaviour that you're upset about and feel hurt over. This can be a really bad thing if your partner then thinks what they did which upset you at the time is no longer a problem - so it's obviously acceptable and gives them free reign to do it again as 'it was never a problem before...was it? You didn't say anything and behaved normally the next day so I figured you were OK with it'

 

If you're hurt you do actually want to express that but due to the technological age no matter what has happened it is expected that you 'check in'.

So you end up either having a happy looking text chatter about how your day is going whilst in teh background thinking about the 'issue' and how/when to approach it or you add something to texts to explain that you need to talk about it when you see each other next.

That will then set off a text conversation about the actual issue right there and then and so things gets misinterpreted and it makes the whole situation worse.

This is all bearing in mind that it's just a normal working day and neither of you have any or much opportunity to make a call.

 

One way or another texting and having to 'check in' is going to disappoint one party, upset one party, infuriate one party....

If someone goes quiet and does not text this is going to disappoint one party, upset one party, infuriate one party.

 

So either way no one can break even.

 

Going away to think things over is good for choosing your battles. Some just are not worth it at all, some are worth an honest comment about feelings and that something was unacceptable to you. Some really are worth the battle.

 

I'm one who prefers to process things and I find the use of text and the whole thing about needing to be in contact all the time a real nightmare sometimes.

 

Back in the day you'd go on a date, speak on teh phone a couple fo days later to arrange your next date and then all of the real talking you did was always face to face. If something had hurt you you 'naturally' had time between dates to think about it and figure out whether it was worth saying something , apologising or not worth even mentioning.

 

Well said.

 

We had dinner plans last night. I waited until 4PM to text her to confirm we were still meeting. She texted back around 5PM stating she had a tough day, police, prosectors, legal stuff, alarm system installed, bad day at work, sick child, and that because of all this she had to have a work meeting last night that she could not get done during the day, and could not meet. I intially thought "screw this, I am done" because I was hurt. I almost got cold again and was not going to reply, giving her the silent treatment. I almost sent a terse mean reply.

 

I waited almost 1.5 hours to cool down, collect my thoughts, and then sent her an "I'm sorry you have had a tough day, I know you have a lot to manage and you are doing a great job doing so, I understand, no worries". She texted me back stating how that made her day hearing me say that. She texted me again at 10PM after her work meeting to say she was home, in her new alarmed house, she felt safe, she was so glad I understood why she had to cancel, that she wants to give me an update on her ex stalking situtation, that she made some good progress on that front, but we should talk about it in person. She moved some things around in her schedule, even got her ex to watch the kids (Thursday is her day with the kids), and asked if we could meet for dinner on Thursday.

 

Reading the personality types link I referened really helped me, I read this prior to replying to her. The link confirmed why I am the way I am (it's me, 100%), and why she is the way she is (it's her 100%), and how best to communicate with her in a situation like this. And, it worked. I felt happy, so did she.

 

The link talks about communication with our personality types. And I agree, and I plan to being this up again with her, texting will not work for us. We need to save the talks for in person, keep the texting lite. We've both tried this but always somehow wander off into a long text discussion and it's alwasy misunderstood. I think a lot of it has to do with her having her kids and we know we will not see each other for a while.

 

This is the first time I have felt hurt like this since my marriage, and the first time I got terse, cold and shut down since my marriage. It was an eye openener for me, to learn and grow from. I don't want to repeat the same patterns from my marriage.

Edited May 7, 2014 by Babolat

[GemmaUK]

Well said.

 

We had dinner plans last night. I waited until 4PM to text her to confirm we were still meeting. She texted back around 5PM stating she had a tough day, police, prosectors, legal stuff, alarm system installed, bad day at work, sick child, and that because of all this she had to have a work meeting last night that she could not get done during the day, and could not meet. I intially thought "screw this, I am done" because I was hurt. I almost got cold again and was not going to reply, giving her the silent treatment. I almost sent a terse mean reply.

 

I waited almost 1.5 hours to cool down, collect my thoughts, and then sent her an "I'm sorry you have had a tough day, I know you have a lot to manage and you are doing a great job doing so, I understand, no worries". She texted me back stating how that made her day hearing me say that. She texted me again at 10PM after her work meeting to say she was home, in her new alarmed house, she felt safe, she was so glad I understood why she had to cancel, that she wants to give me an update on her ex stalking situtation, that she made some good progress on that front, but we should talk about it in person. She moved some things around in her schedule, even got her ex to watch the kids (Thursday is her day with the kids), and asked if we could meet for dinner on Thursday.

 

Reading the personality types link I referened really helped me, I read this prior to replying to her. The link confirmed why I am the way I am (it's me, 100%), and why she is the way she is (it's her 100%), and how best to communicate with her in a situation like this. And, it worked. I felt happy, so did she.

 

The link talks about communication with our personality types. And I agree, and I plan to being this up again with her, texting will not work for us. We need to save the talks for in person, keep the texting lite. We've both tried this but always somehow wander off into a long text discussion and it's alwasy misunderstood. I think a lot of it has to do with her having her kids and we know we will not see each other for a while.

 

This is the first time I have felt hurt like this since my marriage, and the first time I got terse, cold and shut down since my marriage. It was an eye openener for me, to learn and grow from. I don't want to repeat the same patterns from my marriage.

 

The response you ended up sending was perfect.

I would have really appreciated that same as she did.

 

Her text much later once she was home speaks volumes to me of that fact.

 

Stepping back and calming down really can help. (I am so glad you didn't send the original message!).

You say you don't want to repeat previous mistakes too and maybe in this situation you did change things. They do say that if you always do what you always did you will always get what you always got.

 

You came across as being totally considerate of her day and her having to have that meeting.

So she was then happy to engage you later, open up more and sort out then next date even.

I'm also glad that she feels safe with the new alarm system in.

 

When life is going on and it's hectic with things the one kind of support that is so very much needed sometimes is for the man/woman in your life just to not worry, step back a little and just let you get on with the things you have to do.

 

Good thread topic!

Reading it and also writing my reply this morning made me realise even more why texting is so bad!

 

I haven't ever looked into these personality types but my boss has mentioned a bit about it to me before. I might take a look at your other thread and learn something new.

[Babolat]

I updated this thread with the latest on the legal stuff and her and I:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/473637-how-manage-when-your-partners-ex-stalking-them

 

I will keep all of my stalking comments on that thread.

 

I'd like to add to this thread that being different in how we communicate, how we process information, how we make decisions, for the first time has become so apparent to me in spending time with her. I'm an ISTJ (Introvert, Sensing, Thinking, Judgement) type, she is a ENFP(Extrovert, Intuition, Feeling, Perceiving) type. I could spend the rest of my life thinking "I can't date a Feeling Intuition type because I am oppositie and can't relate to them, or give them what they need. Or, I can figure out how to give them what they need, learn how to better communicate with them. I'm going to chose the latter, I just don't know how.

 

This woman is guilty of being a ENFP type, that's it. Last night she said she feels like she is to blame for all of this, even though she knows she isnot; she feels like she has been raped. She feels she let it go on too longbecause she is a Feeling type. I saw this in her last night as she continued totalk. She is idealistic, and always hoped and assumed this would just go away(before we met and it got worse), she makes decisions with her heart, shedislikes conflict, she is driven by emotion, she is gnetle, empathetic, caring,warm and subjective and she procrastinates. As a Sensing and Thinking type,this does not make sense to me, but having studied NF types more, and ST typesmore (me) I get it, I get how we different in how we process information, newand old, how we are different in how we make decision, objectively andsubjectively. Being different does not make her wrong, or me right