First day of NC [update]

[JL123]

New here and needing support.

Today is day 1 of NC. I will summarize a 6 month A. We were both unhappy in our marriages. Met online. Fell in love. Both our spouses found out. I was ready to leave my marriage and did, divorce papers filed and process in motion. He was much slower to leave his. Lots of reasons - career, kids, house, etc. Kept saying they were "working out a plan" but that it was going to happen.

At the same time, he was telling his W that he was no longer seeing me, but he was. He said he needed to do that so she would let him see the kids and continue to stay in the marital home until he figured out where he was going to live. Fast forward to last week, she found a text message from me, and she kicked him out of the house in 24 hours. He called in a panic, saying she was going to call me. He did not want us talking. I asked why he was so worried, and he said he did not think it was good idea for us to talk.

He says she was upset that he lied about keeping in contact with me. He stayed with me a couple of days, but our constant text messaging and phone calls started to slow down. Two days ago, he said he was going to stay at a friends house, but then I did not hear from him for 24 hours. In 6 months, we have never gone that long without contact. I called and texted, to no response. Of course, my wandering mind got the best of me.

When I finally heard from him, I asked where he was. He responded that "if I did not trust him, we were never going to work out."

I decided that I had enough of this roller coaster ride.

He still has not worked out a separation agreement with his W, has not seen a lawyer, has not found a place to live, has no real action in place. So I told him I was finished, I could not take this anymore.

I blocked his number and, well, here I am.

 

I really need to be strong here and maintain this NC. I have neglected my work and myself since this whole thing started. I need to get back to reality. I know that he has lied to me during the whole A. I wanted to believe him. I wanted the fantasy to be true. But I know that it wasn't.

 

So what I am looking for is any advice on keeping NC. What do you do to make SURE you do not break it? Don't answer a text. Don't cave?

I don't think he will contact me for a few days, but I can see him reaching out in about a week....when he wants to have sex.

 

Thanks for listening. And thanks for sharing all your stories. It has really helped.

JL

[sparkle008]

I experienced this similar situation with my MM and I had this a-ha moment:

 

I was willing to give up a lot for him (divorcing, moving, etc.) but he wasn't willing to give up a lot for me.

 

How does that make you feel? Is he worth it now?

 

The rollercoaster ride is exhausting and so not worth it.

[JL123]

I feel like I gave up sooooo much to make our relationship work. I was ready for a clean start with us. I did everything to be available and went out of my way for him.

Now, I look back and realize I gave up so much and while he went out of his way too, in the end, it was much more one-sided. I really wonder how many lies he told me. He told me all the time how he never met anyone like me, how he could "be himself" around me. How could I have been so stupid? Why did I think I wasn't worth being his #1 woman? Why did I accept that?

I realize these are all things I need to look deep at myself and work out, but I am just so disappointed in myself, in him. In how far I let things go. I have so much to offer someone and it makes me a little sick to think how dumb I was.

Amazing how we can go from talking/texting every few hours every day for 6 months to NOTHING.......just like that. Really shows what it all meant - NOTHING!

[QuakerOats]

What a mess. Wish I could say I'm surprised by his actions, but from what I've learned, MM are very slow and hesitant to leave their marriages regardless of everything they've told the OW. I'm taking the fact that he didn't want you talking to his W as he is going to try and weasel his way back in to her home. I'm actually impressed that she booted him after DDay 2...also not the norm.

 

I think it is good that you've gone NC. Give him a lot of space to figure out what is up. He probably does still care for you but is in marriage salvation mode right now.

 

Hang in there. It can't be easy. Keep us posted how you are doing.

[QuakerOats]

Also, how are things going in your own divorce. Have things been amicable enough that the kids are ok?

[JL123]

Yes, my divorce has been ok so far. One child who is adjusting well. ExH goes back and forth. Nice one day, a jerk the next. He thinks I left him for my affair, but our marriage was over long before I met the AP.

I am doing ok. I am sad, upset that I thought the fantasy was real or that it would work out. I want to know how many lies he told, if anything he said was real. I guess I'll never know.

[Friskyone4u]

Hope u learned from this that you should have left H before A if it was true Marraige was over before A started. I think you may be kidding yourself on that one. Now you are dealing with a lot, divorce in progress and A ending.

If u really want it over, you need not to answer any texts and have no contact at all and eventually you will get better. If you do maintain contact you will be in same place as you are now months from now.

You should not be surprised by his behavior. Men detach easier once the sex ends. This forum is overwhelmingly full of women trying to figure out how to emotionally detach. Our brains work differently and you have learned that. Next time maybe you will have learned and be single before starting A for any reason

[RebelWithoutACause]

OP,

The first thing you need to do is familiarize yourself with the concept of the "affair bubble". This is an alternate reality, a fictional fantasy land where the affair occurs. Everything said and done within the borders of this fictional place has no merit or significance in the real world.

This is not to say that those things that were said/promised and dreamed of while in the bubble weren't meant or were fake. No, they were very "real" but only within this fantasy realm.

 

You have to understand that most cheating MM/MW are great compartmentalizes. This is how they manage to sustain affairs for many years. It's not that they don't "love" the OW/AP, they do, as long this "love" stays within the safe confines of the bubble.

 

Enter D-day (or some other big reality-slap type of event). The bubble bursts. And with it go all the warm, fuzzy feelings carefully stashed inside it. MM love the bubble and love spending time inside it, but they also always remember that they have a real life family/W/responsibilities with whom their commitment ultimately resides.

 

You need to face the fact that your MM (and all other MM/MW) stay married because they choose to. And they choose to because they want to. Their reasons might be different but the excuses are always the same: they'll destroy the life of the kids, the wife, the in-laws, the cat, the dog, the downstairs neighbors, the neighbors's cat; they'll lose their savings, their job, their house, their bicycle, their boss will commit suicide...you get my drift.

I'm not saying they don't have very legitimate reasons to stay married, in fact I think most people do. They stay because the marriage works for them (even if it's in a dysfunctional way).

 

The fundamental truth about affairs is that most of then are just a "marriage enhancement drug" - the marriage is lacking but instead of fixing it/leaving it, the MM takes a dose of OW and it magically becomes more bearable. That is until the bubble bursts. If you hang around here longer you'll see this sad truth for yourself.

 

If you see your R with the MM for what it really was - a fantasy affair with no real basis in real life, and not for what you wanted it to be - a meaningful, real world committed relationship, you'll be able to get over it/him quicker. You didn't lose the love of your life, you lost some guy who wasn't 100% there to begin with.

[JL123]

Wow Rebel, everything you said is so true!

I have already blocked his numbers, so that is step one for me. If he can't get ahold of me, then we cannot talk. He will likely try in a few days once he realizes he hasn't had sex. We have not gone more than 4 days without sex since we met.

This bubble has def burst. I can't let myself keep feeling like this. It is destroying who I am as a person. I had a colleague say to me today "you have not been yourself for awhile, what is going on?"

I cannot have my job affected by this nonsense. So no divorce papers, no me is the way I look at it from now on. And even if MM ends up actually getting divorced, I think he will just repeat this whole cycle. I don't know that I can ever trust him now. I don't think I have even known the whole truth. So many things just seem fishy.

[RebelWithoutACause]

Blocking him is step one in detaching yourself from the situation. Step two is not beating yourself up over the fact that you "fell" for it. As dysfunctional, destructive and ultimately soul-destroying as affairs are, there is a huge emotional intensity and "high" to them. Many strong, smart and independent women have gotten themselves hooked and as a result have been left sobbing, needy messes for years trying to get out and recover. Don't be one of them. Stay strong.

[JL123]

So I made it through the first day...tough but I am ready for Day 2. I have lots lined up to keep me busy. I will admit that I cried myself to sleep last night. Horrible feeling. And now today I will have puffy eyes from it - great.

I hope each day gets better. Common sense tells me it does. Hearing from you all really helps and reading your stories helps a ton. Thank you again! I am ready to feel normal again, not be so controlled by this unrealistic mess, but something tells me it will take awhile to get over.

[gettingstronger]

My therapist said as a BS its 2-5 years so I would imagine its the same for you as well-not to sound pessimistic but to let you know its normal to feel badly for a while- everyday you make it through is another day closer to being past it-good luck!

[JL123]

I figure it was a 6 month relationship, it will take at least 6 months to get over. Plus, we "fell in love" practically over night. I realize now that we were in love with an idea, a fantasy. But that maybe it will take a year to get over? But I am hopeful that after a good solid week of NC, it will be easier to stomach. Then 2 weeks, then a month, etc.

What is hardest for me right now....the anticipation of our next text, next call, next time seeing each other. That was what I looked forward to so much. It very much was like a drug that kept me going. Always something to look forward to. It was like a good piece of news every few hours in my day. Like a vacation you looked forward to. That is what I am struggling with the most.

Even though I have blocked his numbers, there are ways he can contact me (email, calling from different numbers) and he hasn't tried yet. Part of me is sad about that. Part of me is thankful for that. I do think that if I can get through this week, it will get easier. But I am sick thinking that he has begged to go back home and his wife has likely let him back. And that he probably told her he broke things off with me (when I broke it off with him) and he probably told her I am some psycho. That bothers me some too that she will also never know the full story. And in a few months, when he feels "safe" again, he will probably just go find another woman to do this with all over again. That makes me sad too. :-(

[JL123]

Friskyone, yes, I have learned to completely finish one before entering another. And yes, maybe I am fooling myself to think my marriage was over. I was not out of the house, divorce was not in motion. I see your point and I have learned very much. I am saddened by all of this. And it is hard to deal with a divorce and a break up at once, you are correct. I guess the only silver lining is that I know what not to do? And maybe that I know what it feels like to be alive again, even if that means hurting. So now, heal and look again in time for a true, honest relationship. I dunno, my head and heart both hurt right now.

[RebelWithoutACause]

Even though I have blocked his numbers, there are ways he can contact me (email, calling from different numbers) and he hasn't tried yet. Part of me is sad about that. Part of me is thankful for that. I do think that if I can get through this week, it will get easier. But I am sick thinking that he has begged to go back home and his wife has likely let him back. And that he probably told her he broke things off with me (when I broke it off with him) and he probably told her I am some psycho. That bothers me some too that she will also never know the full story. And in a few months, when he feels "safe" again, he will probably just go find another woman to do this with all over again. That makes me sad too. :-(

 

Don't let his lack of communication to further damage you. This is how most MM deal with the fall-out from an affair. By escaping. Just like the affair itself was an escape from the boredom of marriage. He doesn't want to have to face your pain, disappointment, questions, etc. so he's chosen to ignore them in a rather cowardly manner. His lack of regard for your feelings is not a refection of your worth as a person. It's a refection of his character. And that's one ugly reflection.

[Owl6118]

ExH goes back and forth. Nice one day, a jerk the next. He thinks I left him for my affair, but our marriage was over long before I met the AP.

 

 

And yes, maybe I am fooling myself to think my marriage was over. I was not out of the house, divorce was not in motion. I see your point and I have learned very much.

 

Just a small suggestion--to the extent you can, be understanding of your ex-husband's perspective. Given what you say right here, how, realistically, could he think anything else? If nothing else, bearing in mind that that IS his reality, as valid to him as yours is to you, may help you deal with him with some compassion.

[EnderA]

Everyday is another step. Pretty soon, it becomes a journey and someday a destination. Remember to laugh and play everyday and spend time with people that genuinely love you.

 

Exercise and be kind to yourself and someday soon you'll wake up and remember that you forgot to be sad yesterday.

[JL123]

I can't wait for the day when I realize that I wasn't thinking about him or that I haven't been sad! Or that I wasn't wondering about him!

[RebelWithoutACause]

I can't wait for the day when I realize that I wasn't thinking about him or that I haven't been sad! Or that I wasn't wondering about him!

 

The best way to get over a break up is to put things into perspective: realize this is ultimately not the right person for you or he would not have acted the way he did, he's not who you thought he was, you misjudged him/the situation. Accept it, we all make mistake especially when we're in a vulnerable place and in a lonely, unfulfilling marriage (I'm talking from experience because I've been there)

 

Now put something else into perspective: as hard as this has been, it's a valuable life lesson and more importantly it's liberated you from (what sounds like) an unhappy, dead-end marriage. Now you are free (after some much needed healing and soul searching) to move on with your life and be on the path of actually meeting the right person, the right way. This experience, as negative as it has been, served its purpose in helping you or prompting you to get to the next level in your life.

 

At least this is the perspective I choose to have.

[sunburned]

I figure it was a 6 month relationship, it will take at least 6 months to get over. Plus, we "fell in love" practically over night. I realize now that we were in love with an idea, a fantasy. But that maybe it will take a year to get over? But I am hopeful that after a good solid week of NC, it will be easier to stomach. Then 2 weeks, then a month, etc.

What is hardest for me right now....the anticipation of our next text, next call, next time seeing each other. That was what I looked forward to so much. It very much was like a drug that kept me going. Always something to look forward to. It was like a good piece of news every few hours in my day. Like a vacation you looked forward to. That is what I am struggling with the most.

Even though I have blocked his numbers, there are ways he can contact me (email, calling from different numbers) and he hasn't tried yet. Part of me is sad about that. Part of me is thankful for that. I do think that if I can get through this week, it will get easier. But I am sick thinking that he has begged to go back home and his wife has likely let him back. And that he probably told her he broke things off with me (when I broke it off with him) and he probably told her I am some psycho. That bothers me some too that she will also never know the full story. And in a few months, when he feels "safe" again, he will probably just go find another woman to do this with all over again. That makes me sad too. :-(

 

 

Hi, I also had a 6 month A though the circumstances, etc. were different. Like you, both my AP and I were married (still are).

 

 

I just want to reassure you your feelings will fade. I am 10 months out from the A and 8 months of NC. I was not so good with the mind tricks, but even relying solely on time and distance, I really felt better after six months and STARTED to feel better after 2 or 3 months. I was certainly out of the "danger of re-entry zone" by then.

 

 

Though I do typically enjoy gettingstronger's posts, there is NO WAY it will take you 2-5 years to get over him. It was a 6-month A, not a 20 year M. My best guess, however, is it will get harder for you before it gets easier. You are running on anger adrenaline right now, but it will likely wear off, so keep mustering as much as you can. You were wise to block and when he does reach out (mine didn't but most seem to), do not answer even if you feel like you just "have to say one more thing. "

 

 

Closure is an endless chase. You will not get it from him. Give it to yourself.

 

 

What you said (that I boldfaced above) was exactly how I felt post A. I changed my ring tone, notification tones, etc. As you recognize, an affair is like a drug. You can read all about the "affair-as-addiction" and the "affair bubble" here on LS. Sounds like you experienced both. The bubble has burst and in time, you will detox from your addiction too. You can't go around it, over it or under it. You can't hire someone else to do it for you. You have to go through it. It's not easy but it will be worth it. Best of luck.

[JL123]

You bring up a good point sunburned - closure. Something I so badly want but know I will never get from him. How do you give it to yourself? What do you tell yourself to make yourself stop wanting it from him? I am taking this as a very good (despite painful) learning experience. So far, I have only cried once today.

 

And what Rebel said, I am glad to be free from a dead end marriage. But today I have really started thinking how scared I was about being alone. It hit me hard when my ex-H sent an email asking if he could take our son to the beach for a week with his family this summer. It just hit me hard....bad timing I guess.

[JL123]

Day 2 almost over............it has been a tough one. Cried multiple times. More over the fact that my ex is taking our son to the beach for a week and that realization hit hard. But a tough day in all. Going to get organized for my day tomorrow and get in bed so I can start Day 3. This is even tougher than I thought it would be. I can't seem to get anything done.

[JL123]

So I have made it to Thursday! Today has been ok so far, still NC.

I was thinking and wondering...have you ever had your AP repeat stories or jokes? Like tell you something in detail that they they have already told you? My MM did this several times right up to the end, and now thinking back on it, I wonder if he was already seeing someone new?

Or is it just that they can't keep track of who they have told what?

I also today have started to think about so,e of the things that really annoyed me about him. He wasn't all perfect by any means, so that has helped me lots today.

[Goodbye]

I can't wait for the day when I realize that I wasn't thinking about him or that I haven't been sad! Or that I wasn't wondering about him!

 

 

Me too. I had been doing really well. Detoxed off exMM and even this place. Then last month his W kept contacting me and it set me back mentally. I just want to delete everything about him and that chapter from my mind.

[snappytomcat]

Me too. I had been doing really well. Detoxed off exMM and even this place. Then last month his W kept contacting me and it set me back mentally. I just want to delete everything about him and that chapter from my mind.

im sorry goodbye.i know exactly how you feel,but on the other side of an A,im a bs,and I was doing good actually great but the xow,started contacting me,and continues to do so,and yes it does set me back mentally too,she triggers me I guess.

I wish you good luck!!