RN14 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 **Kind of long!** Background: I've been seeing this guy (we still are not official but before he found out he was moving he said we were close to dating). We have been seeing each other for three months now. We were going on dates probably 2-3 times a week with talking everyday. We had frequent breaks because he was sent out of town for a weekend or week occasionally for work but we always talked. So we do know how to do a little distance at a time. In mid April, he found out he got transferred back home (about 8 hours away). He comes back in a week or so and we plan on getting together then. He also agreed to talk on the phone and do kind of a mini trial run long distance relationship (which was my idea); however, its still completely up in the air as to what we are doing. If we are going to try long distance or not. I have told him I want to but because of the move and everything he hasn't really thought about it. He has a civilian job plus army so he gets pretty busy and stressed. He has a tendency to shut down when he's really stressed so that's part of the reason we haven't been talking as much. I realize three months is not that long to have been dating but there is something about this guy where I want to try (I also graduate in December so I could move anywhere if it looked serious- also told him that). I have no idea if he is "the one" but I think we have something special enough where I want to explore it to see! I have a problem with anxiety where I like to jump to worst case scenarios and negative self-talk (trust me, I am working on that). When I found out he was moving my anxiety went into overdrive and I was clingy. He told me I was pressuring him which I appreciated and I worked really hard to back off. Now that he is gone, I find myself scared again. How do I find the balance of giving him space and getting my needs met? Also how do I stop from going insane from the distance? WE had a great goodbye before he left and I know he really cares about me. So I am the problem here. What does everyone else do to keep sane in a LDR? Because I Know talking on the phone constantly for reassurance is not the answer or healthy.
HeavenOrHell Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) I don't >We had frequent breaks because he was sent out of town for a weekend or week occasionally for work but we always talked. So we do know how to do a little distance at a time.< Having the occasional weekend or week apart nowhere near compares to an LDR, most of us have several weeks or months apart. Stay sane by planning the next visit if possible, talk whenever you can, not for reassurance but to keep communication open and retain the bond, make sure you have your own life at home to keep you busy while he is gone. LDR's are tough, but at least you think you can move to be with him in time if things work out, which helps massively. If there's too much insecurity or lack of trust it will make things difficult. I couldn't do this if I didn't trust my partner. Don't over think things, or assume anything, it doesn't help! Edited May 5, 2014 by HeavenOrHell 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) As I've said before many times, relationships are hard at the best of times never mind adding miles between each other. LDR have some amazing pros but they also come with a bucket full of cons as well. If you're not fulling committed to making it work, it won't work. Period. Successful LDR can only work if BOTH people want it badly enough. It requires A LOT of discussion not the least of which is HOW you're going to work through the long absences. You also need to work out some kind of schedule for how long you will go between visits. Who visits who? Leaving those decisions up in the air indefinitely isn't going to work because it's too easy for life to take over when you don't have your partner in front of you daily. In between your visits, again, you need a game plan for how you'll stay connected; emails, texts, phone calls, scheduled Skype dates etc. But at the same time you need to allow each other the space to live your lives. Being needy and insecure WILL NOT WORK and will only destroy whatever chance you have for a relationship. Above all else, you need to have the talk to find out if what you have is exclusive or just something casual. If it's exclusive, there are expectations that come with that. If it's casual, you CAN NOT demand things of him. From what you've described, it sounds like this guy is on the fence about the LDR idea so you may have your work cut out for yourself. LDR requires A LOT of trust and confidence. If you don't have either of those, it will be infinitely difficult and your insecurities will consume you which is NOT a good thing. Be careful what you wish for. Again, it only works if you're both on the same page regarding the relationship. If not, do yourself a favor and save yourself the inevitable heartbreak. Move on and find someone who is more deserving of you. Good luck. Edited May 5, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle 3
d0nnivain Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 You need trust & confidence. I did an LDR for 2 years (we broke up over something other than distance) It never even crossed my mind that he'd cheat & he didn't even though he had lots of opportunities. You assume the BEST but you keep your eyes open. Frequent contact in this electronic age helps. You don't have to talk every day but FB or a text can be a OK touchstone.
GemmaUK Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 I didn't keep sane in my LDR. He needed constant reassurance and constant contact from me. I lost out on any time to have a life of my own aside from working, showering and sleeping. Any other time I had he considered time for him. I wasn't even allowed to switch my phone off to give it a quick uninterrupted charge up before my 6 hour train journey to visit him on a Friday night because in the half hour I had to pack and get to the station he also wanted text conversations. His insecurity lead to him being controlling and also emotionally abusive. I had no reason to not trust him nor him me..but he didn't trust me at all..not from day one as I later discovered. If you know that you could potentially have trust issues I think it's a bad move to try an LDR. 1
HeavenOrHell Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Great post! As I've said before many times, relationships are hard at the best of times never mind adding miles between each other. LDR have some amazing pros but they also come with a bucket full of cons as well. If you're not fulling committed to making it work, it won't work. Period. Successful LDR can only work if BOTH people want it badly enough. It requires A LOT of discussion not the least of which is HOW you're going to work through the long absences. You also need to work out some kind of schedule for how long you will go between visits. Who visits who? Leaving those decisions up in the air indefinitely isn't going to work because it's too easy for life to take over when you don't have your partner in front of you daily. In between your visits, again, you need a game plan for how you'll stay connected; emails, texts, phone calls, scheduled Skype dates etc. But at the same time you need to allow each other the space to live your lives. Being needy and insecure WILL NOT WORK and will only destroy whatever chance you have for a relationship. Above all else, you need to have the talk to find out if what you have is exclusive or just something casual. If it's exclusive, there are expectations that come with that. If it's casual, you CAN NOT demand things of him. From what you've described, it sounds like this guy is on the fence about the LDR idea so you may have your work cut out for yourself. LDR requires A LOT of trust and confidence. If you don't have either of those, it will be infinitely difficult and your insecurities will consume you which is NOT a good thing. Be careful what you wish for. Again, it only works if you're both on the same page regarding the relationship. If not, do yourself a favor and save yourself the inevitable heartbreak. Move on and find someone who is more deserving of you. Good luck.
GrandeH Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 (As others have said) Trust and Confidence. Communication. Busy life friends/family/hobbies/work/studies etc. 2
Author RN14 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 Thank you everyone who responded. It does make sense! I do trust him, which is rare for me. I don't usually trust people easily. I guess maybe it will take a little bit of time for me to get used to it. Right now, I feel preoccupied thinking about him!
soccerrprp Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Something else that is very important I think... A plan or plans... 1. Is there a plan to end the LDR? If both parties are serious about each other, there should be or should have been a reasonable plan to end the LDR. It gives hope, goals to look forward to. 2. Some may disagree, but a plan if things don't work out. I am thinking especially about if and when you or the other makes the move. It may seem like an activity in doubt or uncertainty, but you must carefully consider if you are making the move, if it's someplace you'd consider w/ or w/o your SO. Does it have job prospects. Culture, climate you would naturally have considered? I'm moving to my gf and if things don't work out, I am confident that I could easily start a new life and be content there. Dating, culture, environment, job prospects, etc. are favorable that such a move would not be dooming... just saying..
Author RN14 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 That is a great point. I have thought about that. Where I am now I don't have any family here so I could and would move there if it looked like he was "the one". That's a huge reason why I want to try. Because its long enough away to figure us out and everything but we wouldn't have to LDR long term. Just long enough for me to finish school. I have been to the city he is moving to before and I do really like it. The other aspect is I will be graduating with my RN, BSN so it should be very easy to find a job somewhere. The only thing I would have to worry about is transferring my license; however, my guy's state and my state have a compact agreement about nursing so I think that should make it easier to transfer.
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