Commitmentphobe or just not into me?

[Elidy]

I am in agony right now. I guess my relationship ended officially yesterday, though he really left (stopped talking to me) three weeks ago. This was after he woke up one day and did a 180 and stopped feeling anything for me. The last thing I want is for someone to give me bull**** to make me feel better. I don't want to label him a commitmentphobe if the truth is that he just wasn't into me. For some reason I have a need to know what happened, because of course I blame myself. I feel like I just wasn't good enough. That I am not worthy of being loved. And I just need to describe what happened and get an unbiased opinion. The pain is too much right now. Sorry it's so long, but I want to give an accurate depiction.

 

We started dating last summer. I was just out of a serious relationship and wanted to take it slow. For the most part we did take it slow, though he made comments from the very beginning about us doing things together in the future (like going to his next high school reunion with him in 5 years, and going to see a movie together that wasn't coming out until 2 years later). After our first date he told me I was the most amazing woman he had ever met. But he also told me he had never had a long relationship. He had not dated anyone in the year and a half before meeting me, and he said it was because he couldn't trust anyone and was too paranoid about getting hurt. He told me his last girlfriend lasted a little less than a year and he loved her but he left her because he couldn't trust. He said she was a great girl who did nothing wrong and everything right but he had to leave her.

 

But then he said that after his 1.5 year dating hiatus he decided it was better to take a chance than be alone, so he was going to try again. I did notice that although he seemed extremely into me, I kind of had to drive the relationship. I had to plan the dates. Anytime it was his turn to plan something he would just take me back to the same places I had taken him. And our communication was only text messaging. It was daily, regular contact, and I like texting so it was okay. But there was never a phone call. And no integration into his life. I did go to his apartment frequently and I met his roommate, but other than that I was not invited out with his friends. Again, I was okay with this for awhile, and even felt responsible for it, as I had mentioned I was fresh out of a relationship and wanted to go slow.

 

For the most part things were good. We were very compatible. No major issues that made it obvious we couldn't work out. No big fights. We were both attracted to each other. We had fun together. We made each other laugh. He seemed so into me. I had to bring up the topic of becoming official boyfriend and girlfriend, but when I did he said yes- that he has wanted that for some time but felt I wasn't too into him. He once told me he worried he liked me more than I liked him, and thought maybe I was just passing the time with him until I found someone better. I assured him this was not true, but realized I hadn't always been attentive and good at showing my feelings to him. About two weeks after becoming boyfriend/girlfriend he stopped talking to me. This was about 6 months in. And after a decent evening together. We had a little disagreement and he freaked out because he worried he couldn't trust me. But he expressed interest in working it out. But then he just stopped talking to me. We went a few weeks until I finally reached out. For about a week he was cold and distant and I thought he just hated me. Then one day he broke and said he had missed me but didn't want to say it for some reason. He said he didn't understand himself sometimes, and he had been staying in his room and lashing out at everyone.

 

We got back together and things were amazing. I put in a real effort to show him what he meant to me, we were going out and doing more things together, I was incredibly happy, he was incredibly happy. One thing I can say about him is his is very honest and blunt, so I always know what he is feeling and thinking- even if I don't understand it. We started talking of a future together. We mentioned living together at some point. He said his main focus was me and making me fall in love with him. He said he was falling in love with me. For about 6 weeks we were back into an amazing relationship..totally on the same page and falling in love.

 

Then 3 weeks ago, after about 8 months total together, he woke up one morning and stopped talking to me. He had stayed over the night before. We met up after I got off work and went to work out. He freaked out about something silly and was screaming at me, but when he calmed down he apologized profusely and said he was sorry for being stupid sometimes, and he was clinging to me all night..holding me tight, apologizing. I calmed down but remained a bit standoffish because he had been so angry over nothing that it scared me and I didn't feel I deserved that.

 

So the next morning he leaves and I don't hear from him anymore. After two days I reach out and he replies with a very generic message, and then never says anything more. A week goes by with no contact and I finally ask him what's up. He says "I think it's best we don't see each other anymore. We don't communicate well at all." Well, I communicate like crazy but it feels like I am talking to a brick wall. He says he is sorry because we both seem to really enjoy each other but it seems something always goes wrong. It really wasn't that bad. A few minor bumps that will happen in any relationship, but he decides it should be over all of a sudden.

 

A few days later I went to see him because I figured we at least deserved to have this conversation in person. At first he was extremely cold and distant. He said he isn't mad at me, but he thinks of me and doesn't care. He likes me but doesn't know how far it goes. He just doesn't really feel anything for me. Then he goes on to tell me that he doesn't know if he is just making up excuses to leave and run from me. And he knows he has done that before. He said he really thinks it's about him, and not me. And it started the previous month when he got a parking ticket he felt he didn't deserve. It pissed him off and he never paid it or contested it. Then he started thinking about how he moved here seven years ago and took a job that was meant to be temporary but he is still there seven years later, and none of the other jobs he has applied for have worked out. He was currently waiting to hear from one job and was just realizing they were never going to call. He didn't know what to do with his life and if he should go back to school or what. He said he had just been in his room, drinking, eating junk food. Nothing made him happy. He started crying, saying he feels bad he doesn't see his parents very often because they are getting older and won't be around forever. Then he said what if we got back together and then he had to move to be near his parents or for a job? He was softening a little and letting me hold him. He gave me huge hugs and said he likes talking to me, he loves hugging me, he loves the way I smell, and he does miss me. And he promised not to shut me out.

 

I left but stayed in contact, asking how his day was and saying I hoped he was well. He would always respond and say he hoped I was well too. He was fine with small talk, but if I ever said I missed him he would change the subject to weather or something. This past weekend, now 3 weeks since he changed overnight and left, I had a rough time. I was sending him messages wishing he would come back soon. Telling him I care for him and life is too short to be apart for long, telling him I would be there for him and hold him and help him figure things out. He would ignore the messages or respond with something kinda generic.

 

Yesterday I sent a long message saying that I wasn't trying to drive him nuts, I just didn't want to throw us away over something silly. I told him he said he was falling in love with me and that he wanted me to love him. I told him to take a chance and come back. That I know he has issues with relationships, but I have proven my loyalty and feelings. I told him not to run and wonder later if he let a great girl get away. To just come back.

 

He responded "I don't feel that way. At least for now."

 

Then he went on to say his lease is up next month and he doesn't want to stick around here. He doesn't know where he is going to go but he needs a change of scenery. And he said my anxiety is a big problem for him. When I am under stress I do get a little anxiety but it's not out of control and all i need is a hug. He has said he sees what anxiety does to people. I told him it's something I acknowledge and work on and I've been doing very well with it. That he is using it as an excuse to say being with me would be awful and that it is presumptuous and it's crap. And that he has his own anxieties and issues too. And that all I need and want in those times is a big hug.

 

He never responded again. It kills me.

 

What happened and what do I do? I have resolved to never contact him again, but it sucks and it hurts and it was such a sudden change and he is acting so weird about everything. Does he really just feel nothing for me?

Edited May 5, 2014 by Elidy

[KaliLove]

First of all, I'm very sorry that you're hurting.

 

Honestly, it sounds like he's dealing with some major issues (depression comes to mind) that have nothing to do with you..but also that he's just not that into you.

 

Please stop messaging him..you're not helping yourself and you can't convince someone to want to be with you. The best, and only, option for you is NC and moving on.

 

Stick around..there are a lot of people here who are going through the same thing you are and who can help guide you through it.

[Elidy]

It was just so sudden. I've been in relationships before where there is a decline. Where you can sense the other person isn't feeling it anymore. We seemed to be on an incline. His feelings were increasing, we were seeing each other more, we were getting closer, then he freaked out on me because he was afraid something bad had happened to me and then he turned cold and stopped talking to me and stopped feeling for me. I've never seen such a sudden 180.

[KaliLove]

Well, like I said..it sounds like he has some issues that he's dealing with right now that have nothing to do with you (he sounds clinically depressed to me)..but he's not asking you for help so unfortunately there isn't anything you can do.

[Elidy]

That's what I need to remember- that there is nothing more I can do. I've made it abundantly clear how I feel about him and that I want to help him and be together. There is nothing more I can do. My brain understands that, but my emotions won't let it sink in.

 

I keep replaying everything, of course. If I hadn't been mad at him for screaming at me this wouldn't have happened. That is what made everything change. If I just hadn't got mad at him for yelling at me. If I just held him back and kissed him back when he clung to me... I hate myself now

[KaliLove]

Don't beat yourself up..you had every right to be angry at him for unfairly yelling at you. If it was meant to be, that one incident would not have made a difference. He was on his way out anyway.

[Elidy]

Any time I would get upset with him, which was hardly ever, he would withdraw and I had to go after him because he would reason it couldn't work out because I got upset with him.

[Elidy]

The first time he left he said it was because he had seen what his behavior was doing to me and I didn't deserve it, so maybe he wasn't a good guy for relationships because he is too paranoid and jealous. At that time he decided he was going to go join the military, which he later said he didn't actually want to do. He stayed away for 5 weeks and then came back strong saying he was so sorry he hurt me and made me think he didn't want me, and that all he wanted to do now was focus on me and make me fall in love with him. When I asked him what changed he just said he isn't sure.

 

I am sorry I am posting so much. I'm just sitting here going nuts. I can't focus on anything else. My brain knows I should let it go and forget him and stop replaying all these things in my mind, and stop wishing he would some day apologize and say it was his fault and that he did love me. I know I have to stop, but easier said than done.

Edited May 5, 2014 by Elidy

[mammasita]

Commitmentphobe, emotional issues, depression, perhaps drugs....Who knows.

 

Its evident that there's something going on and whatever it is, that along with the elusive male ego is a combination that can't be beat.

 

His push and pull is just an indication of his confusion and emotional immaturity. Sure he cares for you and doesn't want to hurt you......BUT he needs to be left alone. It's best for YOU to leave him alone.

 

Honestly he sounds like my ex finace who was oh so in love with me - proposed and the whole nine, we never talked about marriage - the proposal came out of left field. Then one day he wasn't in love with me and didn't think he was ever in love with me. HUH??? Yeah talk about being confused.

 

I know it sucks and its painful right now because things seemed great in your mind, but in all reality....were they? Normal healthy relationships don't go on for two weeks at a time with no contact, partners don't withdraw....and over simple disagreements at that.

 

Re-asses, re-group, and move forward.

[Elidy]

Thanks, mammasita. I will re-read that many times. I don't think it's drugs. From what I can tell it's beer and donuts. I also don't think it's another person, and that isn't me being delusional. With most break ups I assume it's another person. But I know he has been home every night, (except for one night he told me he was going to watch a hockey game with his friend and her boyfriend and he complained about not wanting to go and sit in a bar), and when I stopped by unannounced on a Friday night he was hanging out in sweats watching TV and he didn't seem paranoid that I was there and didn't rush me out. Plus, I flat out asked him and he said no one else- which again, normally I would put no stock in. But he isn't gifted in mincing words and he has always been very blunt even if it hurts my feelings. There was no sign of him losing interest or checking out of the relationship until the day he stopped talking to me.

[mammasita]

Thanks, mammasita. I will re-read that many times. I don't think it's drugs. From what I can tell it's beer and donuts. I also don't think it's another person, and that isn't me being delusional. With most break ups I assume it's another person. But I know he has been home every night, (except for one night he told me he was going to watch a hockey game with his friend and her boyfriend and he complained about not wanting to go and sit in a bar), and when I stopped by unannounced on a Friday night he was hanging out in sweats watching TV and he didn't seem paranoid that I was there and didn't rush me out. Plus, I flat out asked him and he said no one else- which again, normally I would put no stock in. But he isn't gifted in mincing words and he has always been very blunt even if it hurts my feelings. There was no sign of him losing interest or checking out of the relationship until the day he stopped talking to me.

Absolutely, I dont get the sense its someone else in your case. With my ex-fiance I know there was nobody else but cocaine LOL.

 

I think he's emotionally immature and has other issues. Withdrawing and ignoring is not cool. I would have walked immediately had he done that to me.

[Elidy]

I think the hardest part is feeling so unlovable. Like I just am not a good enough person for him to love. He told me he had loved his ex, so I sit here comparing myself to her and wondering why she is better and why he couldn't feel that way about me. Then again he did leave her too, and severed all contact. He said she was great and did nothing wrong and he loved her but he realized it couldn't work out, or wasn't for the best, or some such. So who knows. I just feel he didn't care for me like he did her

[Mondmellonw]

He also did something like this.

One month ago I was the love of his life.

Then two weeks ago he didn't loved me anymore and wanted to be friends.

Then he said he really did loved me and that he wanted a chance to prove it to me.

Then he finally said he didn't loved me (again) and that we should be friends cause he cared a lot about me and admired me and bla bla.

Then... (lol) he decided it was better for both of us to part our ways.

 

 

I know he has some issues also.

I think it could be depression, and he has been drinking a lot since we broke up.

I do think he is emotionally immature.

And I think (just think) he doesn't has anyone else either.

Also, he was very receptive about everything we talked the last time.

He treated me well and cared a lot about my opinion. He even cried. Wich didn't even happened that much when he was my boyfriend, so, it was kind of weird.

 

I just think he is unstable.

[bluegreen]

Guy might have been dropped on his head as baby ( perhaps few times ) ?

[Mondmellonw]

Some people are just confused. I guess...

[Leigh 87]

I have seen many men who have some serious issues move mountains to be with a girl they truly cherish.

 

I have a lot of issues. I have suffered traumas. I see a therapist and I am not okay some of the time and many on here have said I shouldn't be dating for years.

 

I resigned to being alone while I got my life on track. Then I met my boyfriend. I couldn't let a guy like that go... The way we made me feel was worth the risk of losing.

 

When I met my ex I was anorexic and weird. I wouldn't eat of plates that were not freshly bought, plastic plates; I didn't want to come into contact with germs, chemicals or traces of sugar.

 

I WAS NOT ready to date but I felt something special about my ex enough for me to want to go against logic and date him anyways; he did the same with me, he thought I was way too weird to date but couldn't help himself.

 

Your ex may very well have issues that are hindering him from having a relationship. However, I DO NOT think that alone is all that is at play. I don't think he is all that into you. Guys can THINK they are into you to begin with, but when it comes down to feeling genuine, deep seated emotions they no longer feel into you completely; it was just he rush, the chemistry they were into on a very superficial level.

 

He is just not into you. Without a doubt. He may have been to begin with but the second he disappeared, he was no longer into you. When a guy is truly into you he doesn't want to go days without contacting the girl who makes him the most happy out of all the other people in his life. Normally even when a guy is going through a lot, a girl he is mush for and who he truly falls for, tends to make him very happy, makes his heart flutter, give him a little hope and something to look forward to when everything is going wrong....

 

He is certainly not into you. Forget what ONCE was. It never comes back, guys don't stop being into a girl and then suddenly have an epiphany one morning " oh man, I am SO into that girl, why did I think I wasn't?"

It NEVER Happens ^^^ Once a guy is not that into you, which your ex is CLEARLY demonstrating, they don't wake up one day and realise they ARE into you:lmao:

 

I had a few guys super into me. I am sure they thought they were too. They were in my opinion. Then they disappeared or bailed once they actually got to know me. They were no longer into me and never will be.

 

They were into the idea of me and your ex was into the idea of you. Not only is he NOT into you anymore, but he has serious problems. NOT something you have ANY reason to get involved in.

[sooshi]

I think that he just wasn't into you. I'm sorry. I know that hurts.

 

My ex-fiance started to believe that he was polyamorous, that he couldn't commit to a monogamous relationship. He couldn't justify marriage any longer. Then, when he went to pursue my best friend shortly after leaving me, he told her he had thought he wasn't monogamous, but thinks he is, but that I didn't fulfill him (when my ex told me he wanted to be in an open relationship near the end of our engagement, I told my best friend about it). I guess he thought she could fulfill him, telling her he only want her and everything. Vomitrocious.

[Leigh 87]

I think that he just wasn't into you. I'm sorry. I know that hurts.

 

My ex-fiance started to believe that he was polyamorous, that he couldn't commit to a monogamous relationship. He couldn't justify marriage any longer. Then, when he went to pursue my best friend shortly after leaving me, he told her he had thought he wasn't monogamous, but thinks he is, but that I didn't fulfill him (when my ex told me he wanted to be in an open relationship near the end of our engagement, I told my best friend about it). I guess he thought she could fulfill him, telling her he only want her and everything. Vomitrocious.

 

 

 

Yep. My ex loved spending time with me and he thought I stood out against all other people.

 

Yet on the romance front he wasn't into me at all.

 

He shagged hookers and wanted threesomes with me.

 

He said he would always crave variety in women no matter how in love he is.

 

WRONG. After he dumped me, he found a hot young super model that he is now head over heels for. He no longer felt the urge to screw around. He changed for the girl who was "it" for him.

[Virgin26]

It's typical, and so many people here have been through the same. My ex was so in love, head over heals, and was talking about marriage all the time. The relationship was going great, no issues at all. Then, out of nowhere, he decided that he was confused, doesn't know what he wants and isn't ready for a commitment right now. WTF!! I never even pushed for a commitment!

 

Anyway, after so many posts here and making my family and friends sick from hearing the same broken record, I concluded that my ex was just not that into me. I could diagnose him with depression, commitment-phobia, and all other mental issues that go along with his behavior. But the main truth that you should always remember is that he's not into it. He cares about you, but he loves his freedom way way more, and he definitely believes he can do better (even subconsciously). No one would let go of someone they truly love. I am sorry to be so blunt, but it's better to hear the truth than wait around for someone who might never come back.

[Itspointless]

Hi Elidy, I am very sorry you are hurting.

 

Have you read about attachment styles (attachment in adults)?

[KaliLove]

Yep. My ex loved spending time with me and he thought I stood out against all other people.

 

Yet on the romance front he wasn't into me at all.

 

He shagged hookers and wanted threesomes with me.

 

He said he would always crave variety in women no matter how in love he is.

 

WRONG. After he dumped me, he found a hot young super model that he is now head over heels for. He no longer felt the urge to screw around. He changed for the girl who was "it" for him.

 

For now. A leopard rarely changes its spots though. I'm sure he'll be back to his cheating ways once the initial honeymoon phase wears off.

[Leigh 87]

For now. A leopard rarely changes its spots though. I'm sure he'll be back to his cheating ways once the initial honeymoon phase wears off.

 

 

 

No, really, he just wasn't into me in a romantic way.

 

He has a lot of empathy and he isn't a bad person.

 

He has honestly met a girl he is willing to give it all up for. He quit drinking at all, he has promised her when they are in Europe together soon that he wont drink or party once. They are to stay in up scale hotels rather then hostels he prefers to travel in.

 

@ssholes don't change. He wasn't an a hole, he was just with the wrong woman. He would definitely move mountains for "the one"

 

He had a big heart, he was just with the wrong woman.

[Leigh 87]

IF a man wants you ENOUGH nothing will stop him. I have seen grown men who respect themselves stay with a woman who cheats if they are.... too in love with her to even fathom life without her.

 

I have done terrible things in my past. Things my boyfriend never thought he could accept from ANY girl. I fooled around with a guy the night and the night AFTER I met him. I let a sick perve who was obsessed with me take nude pictures of me in exchange for money:sick: I gave another friend a blow job for 500. I posed nude for mens mags 3 times. I slept around last year.

I have done some DISGUSTING things. Most decent men wouldn't be open to accepting a woman who has my past, they would not want to give me the chance to change..Those things I did were also out of character for me as I am normally in long relationship and I don't even kiss a guy for years at a time if I am NOT in a relationship with him. My bf chose to believe that my disgusting acts were out of character.

 

I told my boyfriend a few months in. Understandably, he had a very hard time processing it.

 

He is hopelessly in love with me to the point where he wants to give me a chance to prove I am a better woman than I was in my past:o I am shocked he opted to stay with me. When a man loves you ENOUGH he will not leave you, even in the face of enormous adversity where, for instance, a guy has to forgive a girl who acts that he NEVER would have THOUGHT he could forgive....

 

Men move mountains to be with the right woman. Unless they are selfish sociopath types who don't have the full capacity to care or love. They suck though. You don't want those guys anyway...