Wow. Still not over him. Will anyone tell me what am I doing wrong?

May 5, 2014

Ex and I have split in June 2012 and I haven't seen him since. It has been 2 years, and I am not over him. I think about him constantly.

I have tried NC several times, and I did for the right reasons. To get over him, forget him and never talk to him again. But he calls or texts me every few weeks or months. Last time I started NC (last month), I was really serious about it, I even started a private blog to help me going. But he rang me one day and I picked up without thinking. It is like he cannot let me go and I don't want to be let go.

In the first year after break up I tried to cope by going on holidays with friends and family (something I haven't done before), I started a great new job I enjoy, and just tried to enjoy myself by going to the gym and spending time with friends. I read probably hundreds of self help books. Then a few months ago I started seeing someone but I decided not to keep seeing him after a few dates. I kept thinking about my ex constantly while with him. I also tried various forms of self-therapy. This helped me realize a few things, but he is still in my mind every day. It is like I see myself with him, or single forever.

Every time my ex calls me or texts me, I still get crazy butterflies and I become all excited. My colleagues notice every time. Even though I have not seen this guy for exactly 23 months. I cannot believe I am 30 years old and this is happening to me.

May 5, 2014

What is keeping you two apart? Why did you break up? Who did the breaking?

You said you've done self therapy? Have you tried seeing a therapist?

May 5, 2014

I went out with a girl and I was like the guy that you think about.

I needed an ultimatum that I believed. Send him a message saying I have started seeing somebody else, but am about to take it to the next level. So if you want to seriously get together and try again, get in touch or leave me alone forever.

This way he will get in touch or you will realise there is no hope and he doesn't care for you.

Then finally you can get your life moving in a better direction.

May 5, 2014

Ex and I have split in June 2012 and I haven't seen him since. It has been 2 years, and I am not over him. I think about him constantly.

I have tried NC several times, and I did for the right reasons. To get over him, forget him and never talk to him again. But he calls or texts me every few weeks or months. Last time I started NC (last month), I was really serious about it, I even started a private blog to help me going. But he rang me one day and I picked up without thinking. It is like he cannot let me go and I don't want to be let go.

In the first year after break up I tried to cope by going on holidays with friends and family (something I haven't done before), I started a great new job I enjoy, and just tried to enjoy myself by going to the gym and spending time with friends. I read probably hundreds of self help books. Then a few months ago I started seeing someone but I decided not to keep seeing him after a few dates. I kept thinking about my ex constantly while with him. I also tried various forms of self-therapy. This helped me realize a few things, but he is still in my mind every day. It is like I see myself with him, or single forever.

Every time my ex calls me or texts me, I still get crazy butterflies and I become all excited. My colleagues notice every time. Even though I have not seen this guy for exactly 23 months. I cannot believe I am 30 years old and this is happening to me.

Oh God, this is going to be me, I know it...

May 5, 2014

Ex and I have split in June 2012 and I haven't seen him since. It has been 2 years, and I am not over him. I think about him constantly.

I have tried NC several times, and I did for the right reasons. To get over him, forget him and never talk to him again. But he calls or texts me every few weeks or months. Last time I started NC (last month), I was really serious about it, I even started a private blog to help me going. But he rang me one day and I picked up without thinking. It is like he cannot let me go and I don't want to be let go.

In the first year after break up I tried to cope by going on holidays with friends and family (something I haven't done before), I started a great new job I enjoy, and just tried to enjoy myself by going to the gym and spending time with friends. I read probably hundreds of self help books. Then a few months ago I started seeing someone but I decided not to keep seeing him after a few dates. I kept thinking about my ex constantly while with him. I also tried various forms of self-therapy. This helped me realize a few things, but he is still in my mind every day. It is like I see myself with him, or single forever.

Every time my ex calls me or texts me, I still get crazy butterflies and I become all excited. My colleagues notice every time. Even though I have not seen this guy for exactly 23 months. I cannot believe I am 30 years old and this is happening to me.

Block his number? If you have an iPhone, it's built right in. If you have an Android phone, there's an app for that. If you have neither, call your carrier. If you can't do that, change your number. If all else fails, text him and tell him to please never contact you again.

May 5, 2014

You're answering his calls, you haven't changed your phone number, you're probably still friends on social networks and if you aren't you still look at his routinely.

Now stop.

May 5, 2014

Why did you break up?

There is no consistent answer to this question, but looking back I think it was a mixture of these:

age difference (I was 25 and he 33 when we met), the fact that he was pretty much settled in life and I just graduated and started my first job
the fact that I was not very experienced romantically as I only had one long term relationship before him
I had expectations and assumed certain things based on my previous relationship / did not understand things could be done differently / did not clearly communicate
I wanted to have a more casual relationship when we started seeing each other and did not appreciate things / at the same time I did not want him to be with anyone else and threw a few jealousy tantrums etc

What is keeping you two apart? Who did the breaking?

He had a serious family problem and was considering moving back to his home town to deal with it. We discussed this and he actually asked me if I would like to move there with him, but without thinking I said no way (now I of course regret this).

One day we went out and that evening didn't go well. Then we argued on the phone for a few more days, and then simply stopped calling each other. That was it - no actual break up, so I guess no closure. Next thing he called me 4 months later saying he moved back to his hometown and was dealing with that family thing. He was asking me how I was. He still lives there.

You said you've done self therapy? Have you tried seeing a therapist?

I think self therapy has actually helped me move from animosity towards indifference and gain a very different perspective about what actually happened.

Before, I always thought about myself as a victim. He was always the bad guy who didn't do this or that. Well now after 2 years I understand it is my fault / responsibility too that the relationship ended. I feel more mature now and regret my past bitchy behavior. I have definitely progressed as a person.

I have not tried seeing a therapist because frankly I cannot afford it. But I am thinking about it as it scares me that I still cannot get over this relationship.

May 5, 2014

I went out with a girl and I was like the guy that you think about.
I needed an ultimatum that I believed. Send him a message saying I have started seeing somebody else, but am about to take it to the next level. So if you want to seriously get together and try again, get in touch or leave me alone forever.

This way he will get in touch or you will realise there is no hope and he doesn't care for you.

Then finally you can get your life moving in a better direction.

This is brilliant. I really like the idea.

May 5, 2014

You're answering his calls, you haven't changed your phone number, you're probably still friends on social networks and if you aren't you still look at his routinely.

Now stop.

I admit I do a bit of online stalking every now and then (but I am not on any of the social networks, don't like them at all).

The problem is that I have tried very strict NC several times, but it just doesn't seem to work for me. I actually find myself thinking about him MORE than when I am not NC. Last time I blocked him, every minute of every day he was in my thoughts and I kept saying 'oh, maybe he sent me an email and now I won't see it'. I guess it makes me feel like a bad person.

In other words I am not so sure NC is better than LC for me. But I know I will probably give it another try.

May 5, 2014

I admit I do a bit of online stalking every now and then (but I am not on any of the social networks, don't like them at all).

The problem is that I have tried very strict NC several times, but it just doesn't seem to work for me. I actually find myself thinking about him MORE than when I am not NC. Last time I blocked him, every minute of every day he was in my thoughts and I kept saying 'oh, maybe he sent me an email and now I won't see it'. I guess it makes me feel like a bad person.

In other words I am not so sure NC is better than LC for me. But I know I will probably give it another try.

It doesn't really sound too strict if you are online stalking, don't have his number blocked, answering his calls. That's why you haven't moved on, you kept caving. No more cutting corners -- you need to cut off every possible avenue of contact from him and you have to stop the online stalking.

Strict NC is very hard, but if you keep with it, you'll get to where you need to go. You just haven't kept with it.

May 6, 2014

I was 33 and my ex was 25 when we met also. It lasted 3 years and ended a month ago. Ironically, she is the one who had more LTR experience than I did. A lot of what you say applies to her also. It almost sounds like you didn't know what you wanted (just like my ex who didn't appreciate me and ended it without giving me a good reason) and now that he's gone, over time you realized what a good guy you had. I have no doubt my ex will feel the same eventually. It happens. It makes you a good person that you can admit your mistakes, realize that you weren't perfect (either was he) and to have realistic expectations (something my ex didn't have either) in a relationship. That will only make your next relationship, with or without this guy, even that much better.

You guys obviously didn't have a clean break and you need some sort of closure. I do agree with lonely that you need to flat out tell him you either try again or stop the communication. You can't wait around forever. It's not fair to either of you.

May 6, 2014

Ex and I have split in June 2012 and I haven't seen him since. It has been 2 years, and I am not over him. I think about him constantly.

I have tried NC several times, and I did for the right reasons. To get over him, forget him and never talk to him again. But he calls or texts me every few weeks or months. Last time I started NC (last month), I was really serious about it, I even started a private blog to help me going. But he rang me one day and I picked up without thinking. It is like he cannot let me go and I don't want to be let go.

In the first year after break up I tried to cope by going on holidays with friends and family (something I haven't done before), I started a great new job I enjoy, and just tried to enjoy myself by going to the gym and spending time with friends. I read probably hundreds of self help books. Then a few months ago I started seeing someone but I decided not to keep seeing him after a few dates. I kept thinking about my ex constantly while with him. I also tried various forms of self-therapy. This helped me realize a few things, but he is still in my mind every day. It is like I see myself with him, or single forever.

Every time my ex calls me or texts me, I still get crazy butterflies and I become all excited. My colleagues notice every time. Even though I have not seen this guy for exactly 23 months. I cannot believe I am 30 years old and this is happening to me.

To me, the obvious problem is not adhering to NC for the long haul. NC is very hard, and I won't sugar coat it. It's not so hard when you first start it, but it seems that most people (myself included) hit a bump at about 2-3 months when it's becoming a reality. I'm guessing that once you hit that bump, you don't want to face the truth that it's over. So, you resume contact, which gives you the illusion that there is some hope.

By resuming the contact, you never fully go through your grief and accept the loss. You stay in this endless cycle and can never move on. You'll never move on if you keep with LC. I know myself because I didn't go NC for good until 7 months after my breakup. It was so hard at the 3 month mark for me, so I understand the resistance. But I knew that I couldn't keep myself in the holding pattern I was in. It's really up to you if you want to move on or not, but you are going to have to make some tough decisions to do so. It doesn't just happen on its own.

May 6, 2014

I admit I do a bit of online stalking every now and then (but I am not on any of the social networks, don't like them at all).

The problem is that I have tried very strict NC several times, but it just doesn't seem to work for me. I actually find myself thinking about him MORE than when I am not NC. Last time I blocked him, every minute of every day he was in my thoughts and I kept saying 'oh, maybe he sent me an email and now I won't see it'. I guess it makes me feel like a bad person.

In other words I am not so sure NC is better than LC for me. But I know I will probably give it another try.

A lot of moving on is what you do during NC. If you are constantly giving into thoughts of your ex, you won't move on. You need to learn some positive things to divert your thoughts and put your energy into something that is actually beneficial. I can't see any way that ruminating about your ex is beneficial to you.

What is the longest you have stayed NC at any one time?

May 6, 2014

hit a bump at about 2-3 months when it's becoming a reality. I'm guessing that once you hit that bump, you don't want to face the truth that it's over

Sigh, you're the bearer of bad news then

2-3 months!!!? I've been NC two weeks and two days, kind of resigned myself to "she has to contact me", there is little point me contacting her, nothing more to be said. I deleted her number 2 weeks ago which I think has helped amazingly well, I know her email in my head but it wouldn't be the way I'd really contacted anyone (email is so dated )

Anyway deleting her number, removing social media accounts and basically taking myself "offline" - apart from posting here seems to have eased my urges to contact her.

I agree with you, you have to make a concious effort to do these things. I felt horrible deleting her number, stupid things crossed my mind

"What if I die and none of my family or friends can get hold of her because I no longer have her number and they don't either"

"What if I get a terminal illness and ask my family to get in touch with her because she's one of the last people I'd like to see on my deathbed and because I've deleted her number they can't get her in time and I die!"

and more...

Anyway I had to suck it up, I followed the NC guide and although it was hard it really helped the urge to contact her - because I no longer could.

May 6, 2014

Sigh, you're the bearer of bad news then

2-3 months!!!? I've been NC two weeks and two days, kind of resigned myself to "she has to contact me", there is little point me contacting her, nothing more to be said. I deleted her number 2 weeks ago which I think has helped amazingly well, I know her email in my head but it wouldn't be the way I'd really contacted anyone (email is so dated )

Anyway deleting her number, removing social media accounts and basically taking myself "offline" - apart from posting here seems to have eased my urges to contact her.

I agree with you, you have to make a concious effort to do these things. I felt horrible deleting her number, stupid things crossed my mind

"What if I die and none of my family or friends can get hold of her because I no longer have her number and they don't either"

"What if I get a terminal illness and ask my family to get in touch with her because she's one of the last people I'd like to see on my deathbed and because I've deleted her number they can't get her in time and I die!"

and more...

Anyway I had to suck it up, I followed the NC guide and although it was hard it really helped the urge to contact her - because I no longer could.

I wish it were easy, but I'd be lying if I told you it was. It's taken me 5 months of NC to even begin to feel better. A lot of people do seem to have the urge to backslide around 2-3 months because the reality is sinking in. The knee jerk reaction is to contact the ex, but it so often ends badly, as you can see with many threads on LS. When I wanted to contact him, I would tell myself it was just denial. I was in denial that I will, in all probability, never see him again. The thought of never seeing him again used to bring me to my knees in pain. I really couldn't bare it, but I had to learn to accept it day by day. NC is something that is very hard in the short term, but it pays off dividends in the long run.

As you can see from the OP, she keeps breaking contact, so she hasn't move on in 2 years, despite having not even seen her ex. I wouldn't want that for anyone because it's not a life. It's a waste of a life. I wasted 7 months of my life in LC with my ex, I wised up after breaking my own NC. I also broke NC at 3 months, and it wasn't pretty. I basically confirmed that he no longer gave a sh*t about me, so that was humiliating. It's done now, but it does take going through some terrible stuff to get to the othe

May 6, 2014

The thought of never seeing him again used to bring me to my knees in pain. I really couldn't bare it

I intend to keep NC, as I said, there really is nothing more I could say, would just be the same old stuff said in a different way so I don't really have the urge to make contact.

I still have that false hope that she will contact me and say she has changed her mind, I know its stupid, but I can't help it.

One thing I'm struggling massively with at the moment is the bit I've quoted from you... never seeing her again, ever. We now live in completely different locations so I won't just "bump" in to her. I know for the sake of healing that is probably the better position, ie; I don't have to have her brought back in to my head or see her with a new "love" but the reality is horrible, how can you spend a decade of your life with someone and then all of a sudden never see them ever again, it doesn't compute in my head and as I said I'm struggling massively with it.

Nothing seems real any more, its like the last 10 years of my life were a dream.

May 7, 2014

I intend to keep NC, as I said, there really is nothing more I could say, would just be the same old stuff said in a different way so I don't really have the urge to make contact.

I still have that false hope that she will contact me and say she has changed her mind, I know its stupid, but I can't help it.

One thing I'm struggling massively with at the moment is the bit I've quoted from you... never seeing her again, ever. We now live in completely different locations so I won't just "bump" in to her. I know for the sake of healing that is probably the better position, ie; I don't have to have her brought back in to my head or see her with a new "love" but the reality is horrible, how can you spend a decade of your life with someone and then all of a sudden never see them ever again, it doesn't compute in my head and as I said I'm struggling massively with it.

Nothing seems real any more, its like the last 10 years of my life were a dream.

I know what you mean. I was with my ex for 3 years, and I couldn't fathom not seeing him again at one time. The pain was physical for awhile. It was so bad, which is why I kept breaking NC in the beginning. I was just thinking that this couldn't be happening, and he would come to his senses. My ex was the kind that wanted a friendship and wanted to see me to hang out, so it was really tempting at first. After awhile, it was just so d@mn painful, and I couldn't move on. It was like Groundhog Day. I kept waking up to this sick cycle of holding out false hope.

I agree that the reality is horrible. Trust me, I've been there, trying to make sense of this. I think the reality is something you accept over time. One day, it would hit me, and I would fall into this awful depression, only for the next few days to be okay. I've never experienced true grief like this, and it's a total roller coaster. There are days that I still wonder if I will completely get over it and love again. Even after a year, I still wonder that. I do think you have to go through some tremendous lows to get to the other side. You can't just gloss over the grief and deny it by staying in contact. You end up never really getting over it, and it's like a gaping wound.

May 7, 2014

Hey Fred, going through the same thing. Dealing with the notion I will never see her again. When you plan on spending the rest of your life with someone (I was actually ring shopping with her) then suddenly you have to live without them. It's devastating. You feel lost. Nobody can downshift that fast and be ok with it. You're human and have feelings, they won't just vanish overnight. You just have to feel them and accept the hurt for what it is. My ex cowardly strung me along for months. I guess it was her way of getting over it without having to deal with the sudden loss of me...she weaned herself off of me until she had the perfect time to jump ship. She eased her way out and gave me false hope. I am really starting to resent her for it...yet part of me still wants her back. Love, its a mother* huh?

If you are anything like me, I lost a lot of myself in the relationship worrying about making her happy. My confindence, my goals, my sense of self. I was definitely not the person I was when we met and that is now my mission...to get the person back. It should be yours too. You can and will do it. I will never let that happen again. It makes the hurt that much greater that you invested so much more. But I am proud that I loved her as much as I did/do. I don't reget it but I will learn from it. So will you.

May 7, 2014

If you are anything like me, I lost a lot of myself in the relationship worrying about making her happy. My confindence, my goals, my sense of self. I was definitely not the person I was when we met and that is now my mission...to get the person back. It should be yours too. You can and will do it. I will never let that happen again. It makes the hurt that much greater that you invested so much more. But I am proud that I loved her as much as I did/do. I don't reget it but I will learn from it. So will you.

Wise words, just have to deal with it as best as we can not matter how much it hurts

May 8, 2014

It hurts like hell! I want it go away sooo bad but only time will heal me. I want to just hold her, smell her, kiss her, run my fingers through her hair and tell her how much I love her but it isn't what I NEED, it's what I want...right now anyway. It's like putting a band-aid on my cut. The band-aid stops the bleeding but didn't heal the wound. I feel for ya man. I really do. I lost my best friend not just my lover.

May 17, 2014

Moderation closed this thread due to the thread starter disappearing for a defined period of time, based on a report of same, and if further updates are desired to be published, simply alert on this or any posting in the thread with that update and we'll get it published and made available for response. Thanks!

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Wow. Still not over him. Will anyone tell me what am I doing wrong?

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