UPDATE: diary of an ex o/w

[newby]

things arent good

sorry to let us all down but i broke n.c

i just wanted him to see that i wasnt a psycho b!tch from hell and that i was over him and also because all i keep thinking about is the guy 2 that i saw on fri night, i am actually into some1 else aswell

thing is i think i did pretty well in conveying this stuff but today dunno what god is thinking but three times i bumped into him in very unlikely places!!!! now i get the impression specially considering his expression that he thinks i am following him

i spoke to him last night and today on msn

since then i am pretty sure he has blocked me

it doesnt matter what i do he is always going to think that i am crazy over him or mad at him and am going to say something or do something or stalk him for gods sake

now i feel that i have undone all that i did before

this bothers me alot

booooo hooooooooo!!!!!!

can anybody reassure me with anything at all??

[MsMree]

Well, for reassurance - ignore him - start no-contact again - and just try to remember when you want him to understand that you are over him, not mad @ him or whatever that he is still renting space in your head. If you are TRULY over him you won't give a sh*t what he thinks - remember, the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

 

FAKE IT 'TIL YOU MAKE IT - soon what you pretend WILL become your reality

[lynnered]

it'll be OK ,i think today being v-day has us all a little tense even though he's blocked from house phone ,and i keep cell off most of the time i kind of hoped he'd leave a message on cell today wish me happy v-day, i was a little down on drive home from work it was raining& sleeting whatever ,but it'll pass .

when I've broken off in the past something similar happened to me saw his car at gym waited til he came out &was mad then we started talking &started A again ,so i avoid times when i know he will go to gym &it pisses me off cause these 3weeks I've only been 3xs!!!and the gym relaxes me ,when i broke up he was like you wont avoid me at the gym will you ?i lied of course ,but i resent that, because distance does not make my heart grow fonder at all just need to make it 2 more weeks!!usually he never lets a month go by then he starts calling, so i can do this, you can too,

sorry to rant newby rough day thinking of him waaaay tttoooo muchhh!!

anyway about you(lol)if i fall down 6 times i get up 7 ,your OK you are so strong do not let one setback mess with your head tomorrows a new day, all this love &romance crap will be over !!!

keep posting

[izzybelle]

we all fall down! and i probably fall down more than most but for me it's part of it all. funny thing is that for me, it's somehow helping me heal. probably annoying to him, but i could care less. but i couldn't resist wishing him a happy V. Day. also called the single dudes (well one is sep from his W) in my life and talked to 2 out of 3 of them and the one i couldn't connect with, well... he's a bit of a loser anyway! the last date we were supposed to have he changed his plans and didn't let me know.... bad move!

 

this dating stuff sucks and i really don't like it. i have a 3rd date with one guy tomorrow and i really have mixed feelings about it but all in all it gives me the strength to move on!

 

hang in there!!!!

[nextel]

Newby, I am glad you are still trying to do what makes you feel better. Stick to your decision and you will just fine. Good luck.

[LadyRLD]

Newby you are doing great. Don't beat yourself up because you contacted him. You are only human and it's one of the symptoms of withdrawal. Like the great Aaliyah said "If at first you don't succeed, then dust yourself off and try again."

 

Repeat this in your head, "who gives a rats ass about what he thinks". All you care about are your own thoughts right now. Maybe if you repeat it often when a thought of him pops up, you will start to not care any longer.

 

Keep up the good work. Remember we all fall down, it's how we get back up that makes us priceless. We are all here for you. You are a very strong woman. Keep your head up.

[newby]

day??

'tis all ok now, i spoke to him again but said look all i want to do is put this all behind us and get on with our lives, forget about it all.

he may believe me, he may not, but whatever thats his stuff now, i've said my piece.

i feel good.

i feel absolutely fine.

i'm glad i'm not in the situation anymore, and i'm glad that i have actually been able to say that i am not in the situation anymore to him, i dont think thats concern about what he thinks of me. its more that i feel that i am not participating, i have made it clear that i am not participating. i have also made it clear that i am not participating, not out of anger or to get a result but because its not a good situation, for ANYONE.

as for future plans, i am going to put my all into my career etc at the moment, the funny thing is that whilst this relationship has been going on, i have actually been doing such a lot of work on myself, i didnt realise until now that i have got to the position where i dont need anyone anymore. when it first began i was in a desperate place. i didnt realise til i ended this how far i had come. it was the last thing keeping me from happiness.

i do hope my experience is helpful to other people.

and THANKYOU ALL OF YOU FOR YOUR ENCOURAGEMENT AND KINDNESS, IT HAS BEEN SO HELPFUL

[newby]

to EVERYONE thankyou sooooo much

to IZZYBELLE how did your date go????

[izzybelle]

newby,

 

the date went well!!! he's a really nice guy and i enjoy spending time with him, but i still find it difficult to feel like i can completely trust. still a bit of a wall up. at least i know for sure he's not married because i know his exW!!

 

and of course just when i'd written off the other guy i had seen a few times because i hadn't heard from him in over a week (the one i referred to earlier as a bit of a loser ) , he calls! he's been busy working two jobs so .... it's just really hard some days to adjust to all of this. even though things with MM weren't perfect, i knew when he'd call every day, and i knew if he said he'd call he would! almost called exMM today... a work related thing that i'd like to talk to him about and get his perspective, maybe just an email will do, i'll figure it out tomorrow.

 

your diary has been helpful to read, and i'm glad it's been helping you to write. i know that it can be helpful just putting the thoughts into words and then going back and reading does sometimes help to put things into perspective.

 

izzy

[MsMree]

So glad things are going well for both of you!!! Just wanted you to know (Izzy) that i am going out w/my girlfriend on Friday night to check-out a local band and that i am look'g forward to it - after reading about your date i know that perhaps i need to do the same in order to get my head out of my relationship w/MM - perhaps Fri. will be a start of meet'g someone new.

 

And Newby - i replied to your mess'g in my post - look for the update of MM making contact w/me!!

 

I AM NOT IN GOOD SPACE BECAUSE OF IT - i am in a bad way - do i contact him and tell him to leave me alone (again?) or continue w/NC?? Anyway - more details are this post - look forward to your feedback.

 

HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY !!!!!!!!!

 

((big hug))

[newby]

izzybelle, this is great, just keep going on them dates!

msmree i just replied on your post, i know how hard this must be, you are doing good, i believe you can do this, just reading peoples posts gives you an insight to their journey, i think that you are moving, in the right direction too!

[izzybelle]

msmree and newby -

 

i intend to keep going on the dates, it is really the easiest way to get past all of this. but it, sadly, took me about 6 mos. after the breakup with MM to get to the point where i could even consider it. i even cancelled one at the last minute because i just couldn't do it. i felt too much like i was "cheating" on someone! and the first date i went on was a blind date with the guy who periodically disappears from sight because of his work schedule. i think the only reason i actually had the courage to go on that one was because the friend that set us up was also going to be there and i felt like i had to go.

 

i know some say that OWs must have low self-esteem to get involved with an MM. for me, the self-esteem problems happened after MM ended things. and while it's gettiing better, it's still a struggle. i guess like any break-up, ending these relationships is painful and we put up walls to keep people from getting in so we don't get hurt again. and i find myself questioning everything.... i think that's also been an issue with the blind-date guy. i have a feeling, he's made some comments to lead me to believe, that he was hurt pretty badly in the past. so when i feel my walls coming down and start feeling closer to him, his walls go up. it's been an interesting ride! the guy i went on the date with the other night has been divorced for over 5 years and i think is in a better place for being involved, but that terrifies me, as well, since i don't think emotionally i ready for that. but i'll keep going, it's fun and having someone tell me how good i look and how much they enjoy being with me is helping me get through this!

 

so much of my strength in the past has all come from within but for some reason with this situation, for the first time in my life, i feel like i need to gain strength from others, as well. whether that's from the support from here or someone telling me that i'm still attractive and desireable, it all helps.

 

have fun on your night out Mree! i find any distraction to keep my mind off MM helps!

 

izzy

[izzybelle]

hey guys! maybe this will be my new "theme" song .....

 

Kelly Clarkson

"Since You've Been Gone"

 

Moderator's Note: Song lyrics removed. Izzybelle and other members who have not yet read our guidelines, or need a refresher, please take a minute to read them: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/guidelines

[newby]

dear izzy,

good lyrics

yeah funny its the same with me, i never really spoke to anyone bout my s*** til now, maybe thats a positive to come out of this.

i think with me i already had the walls thats why this situation was ok for me cos i could create the closeness i desired without the fear that he would take me over, with me i have been with alot of men that took over everything and i am independent i dont like that, i hate it when people expect you to thank them for being a knight in shining armour, to me thats not genuine, if i felt someone was genuine i would have no probs thanking them, i hate it when people do stuff for a result or to disable you or to gain power over you and make you feel weaker it makes me mad i have had too many people like that around

i just want a relationship where there is mutual respect and understanding, loving but not cloying, support but not domination, stimulation but not power games

i guess this relationship with mm came pretty close to that maybe closer than most ive tried thats why it is hard, but there comes a point because of the SITUATION when the timing is all wrong for the support and the respect dies and there are too many lies for understanding and you feel so powerless in the situation that you find yourself playing games and you just dont know if you can trust the love....

[izzybelle]

dear newby,

 

what you say is all so true. i, too, had walls built up when my relationship with exMM started. i'd had one relationship with an MM and i knew all too well what the result could be. but he said so many things to convince me that he really did love me and wanted to be with me, not her, that his marriage was completely over and he, and she, had no desire to save it...again. and the walls came crashing down. and now i fear that the walls will be there forever, that i'll be too afraid to let my guard down again. i can feel it everytime i talk to the one guy that's really interested in me. and i can't figure out if that's what preventing me from getting close or if i'm just not into him that way.

 

but there comes a point because of the SITUATION when the timing is all wrong for the support and the respect dies and there are too many lies for understanding and you feel so powerless in the situation that you find yourself playing games and you just dont know if you can trust the love....

 

exactly....and i hate games. i guess i've come to realize how important this all is and timing is definitely everything in these situations. and he really convinced me that the timing was ok, the marriage was supposed to be over just months after we started, his wife had talked to an attorney and would be leaving that summer. there are days when i do believe that he really did care, that he was honest with me, that he really had meant everything that he said. and then other days, i do wonder if it was all a game for him. and that's what's made it the hardest to let it all go and move on. i believed him, and what he said to me, with all my heart...and now i don't trust... i don't trust what others say to me and more importantly, i don't trust my own abilities to accurately read situations.

 

i will say that with each passing day the memories do fade a little more. but then a song, a thought, or something else triggers all the memories and the hurt and feelings all come back. i long for the day when i can think about it all without that happening, and i know it will.

 

i just want a relationship where there is mutual respect and understanding, loving but not cloying, support but not domination, stimulation but not power games

and hopefully we will all find that someday with someone who is willing and able to give us that FREELY. but will i recognize it? and will i be able to accept it for what it is and not question every little word and action? i guess only time will tell.

izzy

[newby]

dear izzy,

 

i don't trust what others say to me and more importantly, i don't trust my own abilities to accurately read situations.

 

QUOTE

 

i know! difficult isnt it, but the way i'm trying to do it is to take everything slowwwwly and keep working on myself never stop working on the self, meditation, yoga anything like that is gooood

then when you feel these doubts, take space take time, theres no hurry, no pressure, do some work, get some distance, wait till it feels right, then make your next move

i dont know if this works by the way with everything but its worked in other situations where i sometimes feel overwhelmed or out of my depth

 

but will i recognize it? and will i be able to accept it for what it is and not question every little word and action? i guess only time will tell.

QUOTE

 

i think we will both recognise it when it is right and the time is right

newby

[midori]

Hi newby,

 

You've been posting on LoveShack.org for some time now, always as an unregistered guest. Registration is free, and your information is kept strictly confidential, so I encourage you to register so that you won't have your posts held in the guest post queue, waiting for moderator approval.

 

Best wishes,

midori

[izzybelle]

midori -

 

ooops, my bad. missed that part! sorry!!!!

 

izzy

[SummerRae]

Originally posted by LadyRLD

Newby, all I have to say is "You go girl". Everything you are doing will speed up the recovery process. Even if you didn't have fun on the date, don't get discouraged. Keep going on dates. But keep in mind when you are on a date, totally focus on the person you are dating. Even if you don't like him. Focusing on him will keep you from thinking about your exMM. You are a strong, independant woman. You need to be proud of yourself for taking a big step in moving on with your life. Your MM will feel it. You won't ever know about it but believe me, these men are human like us. Men just have another way of dealing with things. They focus on something else to keep their minds off of it, thus they never truly recover. He will miss you and the excitement you brought into his life. He may not have loved you as his "mate" but he sure did love a lot about you and the way you made him feel. I guess that's selfish but that's life. Frankly, thank the heavens you are not his wife. Aren't you happy that you are able to move on and change your life? Your MM is stuck forever. Some MMs do get jealous of their OWs because they wish they could have the single life again and be able to move on and on. Now there are kids and finances. Men will not give that up because they are not emotional they think logically. They can stay with someone out of obligation and be OK with it. Unfortunately they use other methods to keep themselves commited to their obligations even at the expense of a beautiful OW. Being with you gave him a outlet to the single world. Now he just has to stay in his married world :0) Be happy that you weren't the deceived wife who didn't know anything. I don't know about anyone else, but I am happy that I have the choice and freedom to walk away. I am glad you are taking advantage of your freedom and taking control of your life. You will do well. Keep posting on here. If you shall fall, you can always pick yourself back up. Don't be hard on yourself. Treat yourself like a baby during this time.

 

 

Lady, that is a wonderful post!! So totally inspirational! I'm actually printing it out as we speak and am going to remember your words. It has been over a month since I've had any sort of contact with ex-MM (with the exception of a few letters) and let me tell you, the No contact really, really helps. Sometimes I miss him, I get my days like everyone else. But knowing we have the better end of the sticks... makes it a 100% easier!!

 

Thanks again for your post!

[newby]

isnt it just!

[SummerRae]

I just have to say, I've been reading all of your posts and you all are sooo compassionate, I wish that you guys were around when I was beginning my dilemna with ex-MM... Izzy, Newby, and Lady, your posts have all shed a new and compassionate light on what I've been feeling and put things in perspective.

 

I know all about the walls. And I always thought I had high self-esteem, in certain ways, I still do, but then why did I attract this kind of man into my life? At first I didn't know he was married, but then I stayed on, I was willing to try because I "loved him so" even though he did NOT respect me. And why can't I just get over him??

 

The no contact makes it a heck of a lot easier, I'm getting to the point of sincerely accepting things, that NO, I won't ever be with him again. That it really doesn't matter too much how much he actually loved me and when he tries to contact me next, it really won't have the same impact on me, each time his words matter less and less.

 

He has resorted to sending me letters to my workplace (which my boss has actually mistakenly opened!!). But I am realizing that as much as he can be so selfish, he is going to suffer so much for all this. At least I have the ability to deal with my stuff, he just denies it, and will try anything to make himself feel better, including lying... But I know that underneath it all his shi! he suffers. He would not have strayed if he was happy or had enough introspection to deal with his shi! without looking for someone else to heal him.

 

But like someone else said, we need to worry about ourselves and NOT them...

 

Thanks again girls, you all rock!

[Leaf]

Kinda off topic Buuuuuuuuut. I know what you mean SummerRae. When I first got here, I felt really beaten up by some people here. The diamond in the rough was Izzy. Her compassion got me through the tough stuff. I dont ever think I thanked her.

 

Thanks Izzy

 

:::back to the topic:::

[izzybelle]

thanks to you guys, too! i think we've all been a bit beaten up here at times. we're an easy target, a perfect scapegoat and an easy punching bag especially for those who have been on the betrayal end of an affair. i do try to see the fact that they need to heal and we become their whipping post... like the letter to the other woman that's in the infidelity forum. and there has been so much said here, on blame but when it comes right down to it it's so much easier to transfer all of the blame to our shoulders. we're a thrid party that is outside of the "couple" so hey, easier to throw it all our way. so it's nice to know that there are some people on this part of the site to help each other pick themselves back and take the power back from those, especially our MMs, who try to take it all away from us. but hey, i just found out about another MM who left his wife for his OW...actually she left her H for her MM too...it really is sad, but i saw her the other day and i haven't seen her look that happy in years. i think it happens more than people and the statistics lead people to believe... just not for us!

 

and i have to wonder why this feels so different than any other break up, why it's so much harder to let go and move on from these messes? my exMM dropped the first "bomb" that we were headed for trouble 9 months ago. things permanently ended later in the summer and i saw him last the end of sept. and i know the days are getting easier but i guess i keep expecting to wake up some morning and to have it all completely gone, wiped out of my memory!

 

summerrae, how long has it been for you?

 

leaf, is he still stopping by? no more football!!!

 

izzy

[newby]

summerrae,

i think i have been really lucky, nobody has really given me a hard time at all, people have been really supportive. what you say izzy is true, ow will always be the easiest target for the blame and i always hear ow spoken of with contempt, yet rarely the mm. i think THAT is what makes it harder to get over than other relationships, because our suffering is not regarded as legitimate, it is our own doing, we should have seen it coming, its what we deserve etc, on top of that we still dont really know the truth of things, we dont really know WHAT we were to the mm, in most cases we cannot discuss it properly with him either as he will always be using manipulation for some reason. there is no basis of trust in these relationships, we are left feeling used and confused. IN MY EXPERIENCE ANYWAY.

your story izzy gives hope that there are some genuine mm out there.

i personally have never heard a positive story, still didnt stop me thinking mine might be the exception tho!!

 

HAVING A BAD DAY TODAY GUYS, sorry if i sound on a dowwwwner

i just feel so bad that he really couldnt care less that i ended it, i think hes reeeeally relieved. he hasnt bothered trying to contact me at all, when ive seen him he hasnt looked bothered only as i said before scared.

its not that i want things to continue, i dont. but it would be nice to feel like i was a tiny bit missed, just a tad.

[HD]

Newby,

Friendship is so important between two people...never betray that friendship... if you betray that.. you betray trust. and if you betray trust you betray yourself. Without a doubt Games and Lies destroy and ruin everything.... they're pure poison they kill all that is good!. A world without true honest pure Love is just ..... shallow existence. Love and trust and caring is so beautiful and makes life worth living.... Why make it all so ugly? Why make life hell and so painful for someone who loved you so much.... Anyone can destroy love.... Anyone can play ugly little games... It takes a much bigger person to create love and to make it grow and last forever. I don't want games in my life... All I want True Love, True caring, compassion and...True friendship.... Why make it all so ugly.... just make it Beautiful! create beauty around you and your life will be beautiful as well!

 

HD