newby Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 day1: woke up feeling sad and empty spent day stressing about it but running around doing stuff to take mind off it, went online, wondered if i should add him again, thought better of it its like giving up smoking, its all about willpower day2: woke up wondering if i did this at exactly this time etc whether i would bump into him on the way to work, got stressed when i got timing wrong, went to dancercise class (actually dvd at friends), felt great, feel great, feel like i am taking control of my life back! thinking of things to aim for, making plans etc feel less worried about what he thinks of me as whatever has happened its what is happening now that counts, also i didnt wait for him to end it with me or take a break from me til i stopped overstepping the line! (geesh what was i thinking?) this is ok
nextel Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 You are doing good so far. Stick to your guns. The most important thing to remember is that....when you decide to pull away from a man, its important to maintain military silence and stick to you decision: come what may.
newby Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 thankyou, you are right day 3: have seen him out and about, he looks terrified as if i am going to go crazy and say something or go running after him crying "i love you i love you!" this is making me chuckle to myself, its so pathetic its actually hilarious this must have really built his ego up! its actually a repeating pattern he always goes through this stage if i get upset over something only it hasnt ever been so obvious to me before, he will not try to contact me again for a good few weeks 2 months at most then when he realises he is safe and that i am not going to he will relax and then he will start to panic that i have actually forgotten about him, thats when he will show his ugly mug thats what i have to stay strong enough to deal with and the thing that usually gets me is when i start to think "why hasnt he shown up by now?" this time tho i have asked him to return stuff he has of mine and to put it in my bin cupboard, its his usual excuse to come round if he has left it for a while only he never brings it he's gotta know i am serious i hope im thinking its gonna be better to use the quit smoking approach to this: dont think of yourself as an ex OW, think of your self as a non OW dont count the days hmmm
newby Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 day 4: a bit wobbly today, the enthusiasm of the first few days has worn off i feel like sending an email to say CHILL OUT just to make him feel small and pathetic and let him know i have seen his cowardice behaviour this would make me feel abit better but then i think well he will come to that same conclusion without my help and by that time i'll be long gone but i cant say what i want to say later it will be too far down the line even the idea of my blind date tommorrow night isnt cheering me up
DinNJ Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 don't send him anything. you gonna go through up and down days. You just got on the front seat of the Emotional Rollercoaster, the worlds craziest and most scary ride ever.... and the operator has skipped out to lunch... give it time.
MsMree Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 I AM IN AGREEM'T w/"Din" - If you contact him you mas as well erase all the good that has come from the past few days of stay'g away from him. MY, MY, MY have i been there!!! Be completely honest w/yourself: we will use whatever excuse we can to legitimatize our contact'g them - it is only to get something in return - are we missed? is he miserable? BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. And, if this helps: Don't you think he believes that you will never be able to stay away from him? No ego deserves to be boosted at the cost of our own self worth! YOU CAN DO IT (i'm count'g on it )
Owl Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 And remember the immortal words of Yoda...wise muppet that he is!! "Do, or do not! There is no try!"
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Every time you get an urge to email him, post here...Add on to your thread...OR do a total venting email TO him, but do not send it...Do not even put his email addy in. Either dump it afterwards or save it in a draft. Just getting it out will make you feel better. I vent like this about my everyday stuff once in a while just to get thoughts out and it does help alot! I feel like sending an email to say CHILL OUT just to make him feel small and pathetic and let him know i have seen his cowardice behaviour Your silence is the powerful key here...Him not knowing what you are thinking/doing is better than letting him know what conclusions you've thought about him. Telling him will only make HIM feel more powerful. YOU have to be the one in power and in control, don't let him take that away from you!!! Hang in there honey, you can do it. Yes I bet it is hard as hell, but it is better for you.
newby Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 but...but doesnt anybody think that i should send him a mail to BRING HIS DUMB EGO DOWN abit i mean he seriously thinks he that great that i am going to be going crazy out of my head shouting down the street over him it ANNOYS me sooo much
newby Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 thankyou all for your support this is killing me at the moment i dont even know if he knows i am keeping away from him he has probably blocked me and wouldnt know anyway, he is probably sure that i am trying to get hold of him
MsMree Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Whatever - this is about you - i long for the day i have the strength you do.
Leaf Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Originally posted by MsMree Whatever - this is about you - i long for the day i have the strength you do. ditto
newby Posted February 9, 2005 Posted February 9, 2005 Whatever - this is about you - i long for the day i have the strength you do. __________________ quote yes thankyou for reminding me thankyou all for getting me through day 4
newby Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 day 5: am nervous about date tonight kinda i just dont feel in the mood for a date more than anything also the friend that set us up said she isnt sure about us together, she has set me up on dates before and they were good she was always right but gotta remember the reason i am going on this in the first place is to get mm outta my head just feel kinda low today cant be asked to get ready either i will go now and shave and pluck things
MsMree Posted February 10, 2005 Posted February 10, 2005 if you end up feel'g more depressed than you did before the date - at least this has been my experience. I recently tried "Hurrydate", too - again, sooooo depress'g that i made my situation seemed to be ideal - HA! But... it is just temporary and i hope that this isn't the case for - just want you to be prepared in case it did happen that you weren't blind-sided by the feel'gs.
LadyRLD Posted February 12, 2005 Posted February 12, 2005 Newby, all I have to say is "You go girl". Everything you are doing will speed up the recovery process. Even if you didn't have fun on the date, don't get discouraged. Keep going on dates. But keep in mind when you are on a date, totally focus on the person you are dating. Even if you don't like him. Focusing on him will keep you from thinking about your exMM. You are a strong, independant woman. You need to be proud of yourself for taking a big step in moving on with your life. Your MM will feel it. You won't ever know about it but believe me, these men are human like us. Men just have another way of dealing with things. They focus on something else to keep their minds off of it, thus they never truly recover. He will miss you and the excitement you brought into his life. He may not have loved you as his "mate" but he sure did love a lot about you and the way you made him feel. I guess that's selfish but that's life. Frankly, thank the heavens you are not his wife. Aren't you happy that you are able to move on and change your life? Your MM is stuck forever. Some MMs do get jealous of their OWs because they wish they could have the single life again and be able to move on and on. Now there are kids and finances. Men will not give that up because they are not emotional they think logically. They can stay with someone out of obligation and be OK with it. Unfortunately they use other methods to keep themselves commited to their obligations even at the expense of a beautiful OW. Being with you gave him a outlet to the single world. Now he just has to stay in his married world :0) Be happy that you weren't the deceived wife who didn't know anything. I don't know about anyone else, but I am happy that I have the choice and freedom to walk away. I am glad you are taking advantage of your freedom and taking control of your life. You will do well. Keep posting on here. If you shall fall, you can always pick yourself back up. Don't be hard on yourself. Treat yourself like a baby during this time.
newby Posted February 12, 2005 Posted February 12, 2005 day? went on date and it was kind of amusing for a while but he really wasnt for me and i DID end up feeling a whole lot worse as you said msmree. However it just so happened that an ex lover of mine was in town and i have always had feelings for him, we got together with lots of old friends too and ended up having a great evening, he was so sweet. i know that it will never be a relationship but it was really nice being with somebody who was so considerate and loving and frankly really good in bed! anyway, i am totally totally over mm...... but... there are some things that are bugging me he is treating me like the enemy or something he really does seem to think i am going to say something or that he has to cut the ties because i am that crazy over him anyway i hate being treated like an enemy i have tried to say hello to him but he just blanked me, he avoids me completely i hate it when people do that why cant they just ask? or discuss things? thankyou ladyrld for your encouraging words i really am over him altho the first date didnt go great at least i know that he really liked me which gave me some confidence and then spending the evening with guy 2 who has always been a friend and really lovely well that gave me a bit of confidence too but not only that made me realise that there are guys out there who are lovely and sweet and also i'm young there are young guys out there who like me!
LadyRLD Posted February 12, 2005 Posted February 12, 2005 Right on Newby!!!!! There are going to be so many men you will be dating in your lifetime. The MM is acting weird because he knows you are over him. That's just his way of dealing with withdrawing from you. His ego is shot because he expected you to be begging for him to come back. In other words, his way of getting over what you and he had is to ignore you. You keep being the smiling and loving strong person you are. That way he can be even more pissed off :0) Now the tables are turned. Look who's smiling now. Keep us posted on your dates Newby.
newby Posted February 12, 2005 Posted February 12, 2005 LadyRld i have to say having read a few of your posts i like your take on things unfortunately in this case i dont think that is the reason he is ignoring me and i am still really annoyed about it, ohh i dont know its more frustration than anything else, you know when you know someone has you all wrong and theres nothing you can do about it, well thats how i feel and also whats the harm in speaking to somebody? i think he is probably thinking that he needs to not respond to me at all so that i will get over him which is what he wants, obviously the fact that i got a LITTLE bit upset about things was wayyy too heavy and messy for him to deal with!!! the fact that he really thinks i need this amount of time to get over him, in fact the fact that he just assumed that i was upset because i was crazy about him (which is not what i said- what i said was i was upset that i ever got in the sitation and that i was upset that he could not comfort me as a friend) well i just find that arrogant and frustrating because that is all he is willing to think. also i like to feel that things can evolve or move on and wanted to be friendly and build towards having a friendship. i am a strong and optimistic person usually, aside from breakdowns and bouts of depression which i am over now anyway, and i mostly have a knack for bringing positives out of negative situations, i want him to understand that. perhaps he just really isnt interested in bringing a positive out of this perhaps for him i have just served my purpose and thats that. even so an intelligent person would realise that it is in everybodies interests to make things as nice as possible wherever possible and would SEE the possibilty
newby Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 day 8 and im getting to the point i really couldnt care less either way what he thinks i am doing if he is going to be that arrogant let him get on with it i had a few worries he is going to find another ow good luck to em its going to be so funny when he has to come face to face with me in passing and he sees i'm not bothered TO ANYONE READING THIS: once you have decided to end it and fully accepted you are not doing it for a reaction then everything becomes sooo much clearer, it is painful and harsh but at least its the truth. for those of you who's mm truly is in deep love with them and truly is thinking of leaving w, then it may give them the push they need when they realise they cannot be without you and they cannot be with you unless they can be without w. i know my situation is not like that, however i am drawing some sort of sadistic pleasure from knowing that at some point he is going to be having to deal with his life without me in it, and even if he didnt love me he will still have to accept that maybe i dont love him anymore. he has not made himself look like a nice person through this and he cant possibly walk away with his head held high, even if i am the only person in his immediate circle that knows hes an a$$ for somebody with those kind of ego issues, it wont be easy.
lynnered Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 i am so proud of you newby!!! who's the best ?you are newby!!! and when you have little moments reread your posts you sound sooooo much better then when you started posting !!!
MsMree Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 Newby- YOU ARE AWESOME!!! There is an excellent saying that is right on - "Fake it 'til you make it"!! So the days that you may be a little preoccupied that he has an ego problem or that you want him to know you are over him - FAKE LIKE YOU DON'T CARE -and pretty soon it will be your reality!! I also found it interesting your take on OW who leave MM in order to get what they want - made me say "Hmmmm". Unfortunately for me, that isn't the case - my MM will never hurt his children again - he believes that he should be the only one to suffer because he is in love w/OW. So... to bring this back to you - you should be so grateful that you got out before gett'g in to deep. p.s. When his ego gets out of whack (to the pont you want to hit him) remember his little "problem" between the sheets and that should make his egomania seem like the biggest joke around. HEY, WHATEVER WORKS!!
newby Posted February 13, 2005 Posted February 13, 2005 QUOTE]Originally posted by MsMree p.s. When his ego gets out of whack (to the pont you want to hit him) remember his little "problem" between the sheets and that should make his egomania seem like the biggest joke around. HEY, WHATEVER WORKS!! LMAO ha ha cant stop laughing, that was so funny on a more serious note: first thankyou so much for your encouragement Originally posted by MsMree - he believes that he should be the only one to suffer because he is in love w/OW. how much is he suffering? IS he the only one suffering? also i suppose yes i was only thinking of one or the other scenarios, either being without him or him being with you and only you. i guess my situation was different in that i was right not to trust everything he was saying (i'm sure bits of it were true and im sure he did like me just not as much as he made out), if however it is a situation where you know you can trust him but he is unwilling to hurt children which i can totally understand and also i think you said you see quite alot of him then that is different. have you looked at the philanderers website? it gives quite a different perspective of things than this site does as it is mainly philanderers posting. it sounds like many of them truly do love the ow.
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