bb12 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Hello, I met my girlfriend my senior year of high school. She was everything I wanted, and way 'out of my league.' After a school year of sweet talking and flirting, I ended up taking her to prom--we've been dating ever since. That was in 2009. We've had a great relationship. We've really grown up a lot. Without her, I wouldn't have had the encouragement or desire to take advantage of opportunities to better myself. I wouldn't have kicked my drug habit, lost 70 pounds, or even gone back to college. Well maybe I would have, but definitely not this soon. To most people, she seems perfect. Shes loving, caring, extremely supportive and giving, beautiful, and intelligent. Up until recently, my girlfriend could do no wrong. All her quirky, perfect imperfections, ignorant thoughts or feelings, or anything else that may be deemed undesirable never really bothered me. I was blinded by love. Lately, maybe the past year, I've grown less attracted to her--physically and emotionally. She is just as beautiful as the day we met. She is just as caring and supportive as she has ever been. I find her once perfect imperfections, displeasing. I always find myself correcting her, something I do too much of to everyone, but never used to do with her. I try to change her. I try to get her interested in the things I want her to be interested in. I can feel myself appreciating her less and less. I love this girl more than anyone, or anything in this world. But I am not sure if I am in love with her anymore. Sometimes I will still look at her, and nothing else will matter. But other days, she just adds stress and I notice some love is gone. I notice these imperfections rather than the positive influences that used to overwhelm me. I think about breaking up often. I find myself sexually unattracted to her. Sometimes, I'd rather do the deed myself than have to go through the motions with her. I've tried spicing things up; toys, positions, locations, aggression, but nothing has worked well. I do lust after other women. Some even less 'socially attractive' than her. I very unsatisfied when it comes to our sexuality. I sometimes drink too much. I am afraid one day I will drink too much and let my desires get the best of me. A future with this girl would be incredible on paper. But 1. I dont know if I can trust myself if sexual attraction continues to lack. 2. I dont know how I can find her imperfections perfect again. So, what do you guys think? I have an incredible girl who I love and would do anything for, but seem to have fallen out of love with her. Should I ride it out longer, to see if it gets better? Although, she wants kids soon. Something I am against. Or should I try to move on? Any input or advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 You need to let her go. You are no longer in love with her, you aren't sexually attracted to her, and you are trying to change her into someone she isn't. Also, she wants kids and you don't? It isn't going to work out in the long run. Let her find someone who appreciates her for who she is now. You're doing her and yourself a disservice by staying together. 4
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 This relationship has run its course, it's time to move on. It's not uncommon with high school love. What we wanted and needed as a teenager is not necessarily what we need and want as an adult person. 4
Smilecharmer Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 You grew apart as high school sweethearts often do. Let her find someone who will love her. It is time to release her.
Author bb12 Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 Thank you ExPatInItaly, Gaeta and Smilecharmer. It's not that I dont want kids, I just dont want them now. I'm only 23. I will have to do some soul searching before I make my decision. I am a very rational person, and the thought of breaking up with the perfect girl on paper is really throwing me through a loop lol. I feel that I will regret it for the rest of my life. But I suppose it is a disservice to both of us if we stay together. Thanks again
Author bb12 Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 So I posted a thread here, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/475481-i-m-lost-i-could-use-your-input ANYWAYS, If I do break up with my wonderful girlfriend of 5 years, I put myself in a awkward position. She recently got a job at a big company making great money--its the perfect job for someone in college. So I also applied for this job, and found out last week that I got it. This job pays well, has great hours for a college student, and the opportunity to grow, especially with a business degree, is through the roof. So heres the scenario She didnt get me the job, but I did name-drop her in both interviews along with others I know within the company. But if you ask her, she got me the job. Breaking up with my wonderful girlfriend would be devastating to both of us, and I am not sure how we would be around each other in the office. What do you guys think? Break up before or after taking the job, dont take the job, dont break up, idk. Any suggestions would help me at this point. Thanks guys
elseaacych Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) Have you committed yourself to ending the relationship? If you haven't, have you considered going to counselling or TALKING to her about where you both want this relationship to go? She may be feeling the same way that you do about your relationship. Have you put your all into communicating and making it work? Have you given your last ditch effort? Core rule of relationships: IT TAKES TWO PEOPLE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP AND IF ONE HAS A PROBLEM, IT IS HIS/HER RESPONSIBILITY TO BE OPEN AND RESPECTFULLY COMMUNICATIVE WITH HIS/HER PARTNER. Sometimes relationships just run their course, and there's nothing wrong, but you know that in the long run you won't be a functional team. That being said, you got the job. Take the job if you know you won't run into her every day. Jobs are scarce. She may have pulled some strings, but people understand if relationships run their course. Just don't let it impact your performance, whatever you do. Don't let your GF dictate your career if she's on her way out. Edited May 5, 2014 by elseaacych
GemmaUK Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 So I posted a thread here, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/475481-i-m-lost-i-could-use-your-input ANYWAYS, If I do break up with my wonderful girlfriend of 5 years, I put myself in a awkward position. She recently got a job at a big company making great money--its the perfect job for someone in college. So I also applied for this job, and found out last week that I got it. This job pays well, has great hours for a college student, and the opportunity to grow, especially with a business degree, is through the roof. So heres the scenario She didnt get me the job, but I did name-drop her in both interviews along with others I know within the company. But if you ask her, she got me the job. Breaking up with my wonderful girlfriend would be devastating to both of us, and I am not sure how we would be around each other in the office. What do you guys think? Break up before or after taking the job, dont take the job, dont break up, idk. Any suggestions would help me at this point. Thanks guys Whoa! If you are breaking up with her which it sounds like you should to be honest then don't go and work at her company. That is a whole lot of 'not a great plan'.
Author bb12 Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 Have you committed yourself to ending the relationship? If you haven't, have you considered going to counselling or TALKING to her about where you both want this relationship to go? She may be feeling the same way that you do about your relationship. Have you put your all into communicating and making it work? Have you given your last ditch effort? Core rule of relationships: IT TAKES TWO PEOPLE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP AND IF ONE HAS A PROBLEM, IT IS HIS/HER RESPONSIBILITY TO BE OPEN AND RESPECTFULLY COMMUNICATIVE WITH HIS/HER PARTNER. Sometimes relationships just run their course, and there's nothing wrong, but you know that in the long run you won't be a functional team. That being said, you got the job. Take the job if you know you won't run into her every day. Jobs are scarce. She may have pulled some strings, but people understand if relationships run their course. Just don't let it impact your performance, whatever you do. Don't let your GF dictate your career if she's on her way out. No, I haven't committed to ending the relationship. And we havent really talked about it much. Whenever I bring anything up, about our relationship, she just closes up. I dont point my finger at her, I just try to open up for discussion but no matter what she shuts down. She will cry and push me away. It is extremely unhealthy, but shes had things happen to her growing up that probably made her that way. Even after 5 years, she doesnt fully open up to me. And not just about her past, but everything. But I will have to try. It is the only way. And since you seem so wise, is it normal that I am lusting after other women? Some even less attractive than my current girlfriend? I've never cheated, but it is normal that I am afraid that I might? Thank you elseaacych
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Counseling is for married people, common-law couples. You don't go to counseling when you're dating especially not at 23 yo. Dating is to experience if you are compatible or not. When it's over, it's over. OP, it's normal for a man to find other women attractive or desirable. It's all good as long as you don't act on it. If you feel you may cheat then you have a problem, and that problem is that you have emotionally checked out of your relationship with your gf. You don't stay with someone because she is perfect on paper. You stay with someone because she rocks your world and you can't envision life without her.
acrosstheuniverse Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Counseling is for married people, common-law couples. You don't go to counseling when you're dating especially not at 23 yo. Dating is to experience if you are compatible or not. When it's over, it's over. I disagree. I think a five year relationship perfectly warrants couples counselling if both parties want to fully explore whether they can continue or not before they part ways. Personally, I think this relationship is over. Once you've lost the feelings it's very very hard to get them back, and without a marriage or a family to fight for there's little reason to try and claw them back for the partner who is lacking in investment any more. But if this couple want to have some couples counselling to make sure that if it ends, it ends without the regret that 'what if we stayed together? might have brought, then more power to them. Though personally I suspect that if she realises he's so done with the relationship that he's willing to take them to counselling to try and work it through, her own feelings of investment towards him and the relationship might change for the worse too.
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