Undaunted26 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Hi all, I'm a first time poster , so please forgive me if I'm in the wrong forum etc... I'm a middle age guy- met a nice woman through online dating. We dated on weekend weekends for a few months, just movies, outdoor activities, hiking etc.During the week we would communicate only through text messages( her preference) I thought we were exclusive after some heavy kissing on 3 consecutive dates - ( no sex). She says "she wants to go slow..." After a recent weekend date, She was slow to respond to my text messages. When she finally did respond, she texted and said that "although she really enjoyed my company,"she can"t be much beyond a friend", and "I'm happy to spend time with you doing outdoor stuff but can't see it progressing beyond a friendship"..... I was devastated to say the least, and did not respond to her text. She texted later that evening with "are you ok" which i ignored... Two days later she texted in the evening "just checking in- how are you? I finally responded that I was away to care for a sick parent ( which was true) She said she would "check in again"....which she did 4 days later... My question: my understanding of the "LJBF" thing is that it's more of a method used to ease the guilt feelings of the "dumper" and to ease the pain of rejection on the one being dumped... any idea as to why she would continue to text me and ask how I am? Should i ignore these texts and move on? Or take it as a glimmer of hope?
deathandtaxes Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Sounds like she wants to keep you around for validation, as an emotional tampon. Don't fill this role for her. Be better than this. 1
AtTheStart Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 If you want more than a friendship with this girl then in my opinion you say something along the lines of this, concise but in your own words: Look, I'm interested in you but not interested in being just friends. I'll respect your choice but let me know if you ever change your mind. Then freaking mean it. Live it. Never look back. This will effectively do numerous things for you. It frees you from her. If she doesn't want to be with you as more than friends then you're already on the path towards finding one who does! Which is freaking exciting to know, and really KNOW IT, they're out there looking for you. Then as far as this girl, since she didn't and probably can't explain why she just wants to be friends...it allows her the small, and I mean small, percent chance she comes to the realization on her own that she does want to be with you more than friends. Please please please do not bank on that happening. BUT it is the only true way a reconciliation could work. She decided she didn't want to be with you so it MUST be without any influence from you that she comes to the realization on her own if she does. A very wise person (who provides a WEALTH of free advice online but does offer services for profit as well) makes the point that the most powerful negotiating point in any occurrence is to let the other person know you can walk away at any moment and MEAN IT. If you PM me...I could mention this source but usually people get lambasted for mentioning him on the boards. Whatever you want to do, I would honestly suggest briefly making your intentions clear, telling her you'll respect her decision, then never look back. I know you, I, and many others here have not found what we're looking for yet...but I believe moving forward will open us all up to receiving the one who IS for us.
Author Undaunted26 Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 Many thanks for the advice.-much appreciated!
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 So this is MY perspective on things; You met online and went on a few dates, had a good time and enjoyed each other's company. At the same time, I'm fairly confident in saying that neither of you took down your OLD profiles at this point which shouldn't be surprising since you hadn't had a discussion about exclusivity yet. Until you have the talk, there shouldn't be any assumptions either way. I think this is where you went wrong, assuming you were exclusive after some heavy kissing... I think she genuinely likes you and enjoyed her time with you BUT not all dates (even great dates) lead to relationships. She probably realized that what she feels for you is more friendship than anything romantic and wanted to be straight with you. Isn't that allowed? Her subsequent emails checking in with you I think shows that she really does care about you and is worried that you. If she didn't, my experience has been that the texting or any kind of communication comes to a full stop. I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with what she's doing. Yes, it sucks when feelings aren't mutual but again, not every encounter is a match made in heaven unfortunately. If you find it hard to accept her as a friend only, then let her know that rather than be childish about it. If, on the other hand, you think you might enjoy her friendship, then work on that but don't let it get in the way of you putting yourself back out there and dating other women. Don't sit around hoping she'll change her mind. Maybe she will but maybe she won't. Good luck. 1
Elias33 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 She already has stated what her intention were, so all you can do is move on. The whole friends thing, well, is that why you do OLD? I don't think so. It just doesn't work after your romantic aspirations have been crushed. Sorry to hear about your troubles, but remember the time with her fondly, wish her the best, chin up, and move on. I don't think being friends will do you any good.
Chi townD Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Well, what I like about her is she was honest with you before you became any more emotionally involved with her. But, you might have to tell her that you have to step away from her for a little while to deal with your feelings. Tell her that you're not ready to enter into a "just friends" relationship with her while you still have these romantic feelings for her. That wouldn't be fair to you or for her. How is she going to argue that one? You're now being honest with her.
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 She already has stated what her intention were, so all you can do is move on. The whole friends thing, well, is that why you do OLD? I don't think so. It just doesn't work after your romantic aspirations have been crushed. Sorry to hear about your troubles, but remember the time with her fondly, wish her the best, chin up, and move on. I don't think being friends will do you any good. I disagree with this statement. I've gone on dates with some very nice men. Perhaps our initial goal for being on an OLD site was to meet someone special with whom we could partner up with BUT sometimes it just doesn't happen for whatever reasons. That shouldn't take away from the fact that these men were great guys and we had a good time together. I've met at least two men where that happened. We decided that just because we didn't click romantically didn't mean we couldn't try being friends. And we did. We added each other on FB and text each other often to see how the other is doing or just shoot the sh*t. We also hung out on occasion but only when we were single of course. Having said that, it really only works when you BOTH are on the same page about it. If one person is disappointed that the date isn't going further than just friendship, it's hard to make that shift and I completely understand that. I've been there myself a time or two. Bottom line is that it's NOT that uncommon and shouldn't be dismissed just because you met on a dating site.
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