matthews321 Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Basic story, my girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me about 3 months ago. She said she thought we were growing apart and she wanted to find herself and just do her own thing. We remained in semi contact through text for awhile. Going a week or two weeks between texts. We eventually talked on the phone about a month and a half after the breakup and she said that I just hurt her too much to get back together. During this time, it started to come out that she was somewhat involved with another man. This man was about 15 years older, legally married (she says they are separated) and a kid. During her birthday week, she text me, liked some stuff on facebook of mine and even sent me an email on her birthday with something she thought I would like to read. Well, I found out that her new "married" man was with her at her house after she had a girls birthday dinner. I called her out on it later that night and we talked on the phone for about an hour. It was actually a good conversation and she even texted me the next day to say she was glad we talked and so on...... I sent her an apology / closure letter about a month ago. After she read it, her mom called me to tell me that she wanted me to know that she did receive it and read it. Her mom said that she had to leave work and go into the parking lot because she was having an emotional breakdown. Her mom told me it took her about 30 minutes to finally calm down and go back into work. Fast forward a month and she still has not replied to it. We have not spoken / texted or emailed for a little over a month now either. Her mom has told me that she wants to reply to it but just can't fight now. Her emotions are "raw" and it just makes her too emotional and sad to think about it. I have learned that whatever was going on between her and that married man has stopped. They only see each other in groupl settings now. My question is this. Could she be confused by her emotions / feelings for me and is trying to figure out what she wants? If she was completely over me, why would she get so emotional over the email and say she wants to reply but just can't right now? In the email, I did talk about the ring I already had for her. I was planning on proposing to her this spring. I have thought long and hard whether or not I could even take her back and trust her after she became involved with this other guy so fast after we broke up. But, after thinking about it and talking with a counselor, I would like the opportunity for us to atleast sit down and see if we could work this out. Any insight would be most helpful. Her mom has said she really tries not to talk about it and her mom isn't trying to bring anything up either.
johnson_j Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 That sounds tough man, I bet she does have some thoughts about getting back together. Hard to say exactly at what level, but if I was you I'd go on and do your own thing, and let her come around if she does. She ended it, so it's up to her to fix it.
No Limit Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 (edited) She's not marriage material, just to check that off. The thing she did (luckily long before you even got to the point of long-lived marriage or even kids) shows that she is insecure and won't stop her from stabbing you in the back. If you go to the infidelity section of this forum, you'll see the threads of plenty of married people who went through this, only of course with entirely different circumstances which made it way harder for them. The fact that she was together with a guy who's married (the "we're seperated" excuse is one of the first and best-working excuses married cheaters have) shows also that she clearly doesn't think too highly of marriage or 'bonding' at all, she didn't hesitate long to damage the marriage of this guy. Even if it was him who might have pursued it, it takes two for tango. Guess her emotional breakdown was just something temporary, loosing a good relationship just to be the fling of a married man isn't easy to handle if you believe you're his "new wife". You also shouldn't have reached out to her. You're made yourself her backup plan, as long as she sees that other guy in any way or form (no matter whether with friends or not) she's unstable. Even if you came back together this man would threaten your relationship over and over again and I'm very sure your ex will give in to it just like she did already. No matter what plans you had, it's over now. Move on, and leave her behind. She's become toxic and is not the person who she was in your relationship anymore. And also no semi-contact. Full, strict NC. Edited May 5, 2014 by No Limit
Author matthews321 Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 A friend of mine who went through a similar situation said to just send her a "life updates" email saying what all has been going on in the last month and so on. So I sent that to her last night. Within 10 minutes she replied. She said she had gotten a new position at work, is sick right now, etc. She did say that she was not expecting to reply but did and is still needing some time to reply to my original email so she can give me the closure that I deserve. I sent her a reply congratulating her on her new job and then she replied again within about 15 minutes. Her second response she said that she is glad that we can have positive communication and hopes that eventually we can continue with this, even if it is just random life updates. She did say that she "thinks about me a lot" and she herself is doing some self reflection. It honestly surprised me to hear that she thinks about me a lot. And even for her to admit that. I think the key exert from that first reply is "closure". She has never mentioned us getting back together and has said I have just hurt her too much.... Still wondering why she is taking so long to respond if that is her true intention.
Author matthews321 Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 for future contact purposes, if I do have future contact or feel the need to contact my ex. If they do respond fairly quickly, is that a good sign? Even if they do no initiate contact?
Author matthews321 Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 any thoughts would be most appreciated.
Simon Phoenix Posted May 10, 2014 Posted May 10, 2014 for future contact purposes, if I do have future contact or feel the need to contact my ex. If they do respond fairly quickly, is that a good sign? Even if they do no initiate contact? No, it means very little. You should really stop contacting her. 2
Author matthews321 Posted May 25, 2014 Author Posted May 25, 2014 So I received an email from my ex a few days ago. She sent me a link to an article she wanted to share and told the story of her remembering we had a talk about the subject of the article back in the day. Is she doing this probably just to see if I will respond?
bubbaganoosh Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 If you bought her a ring, then IMO, take it back and get a refund. Right now, it seems like she's using you for a back up plan and if she gets her way, this whole thing can start all over again. Stop the texts and conversations with her. There's a chance that she broke up with you because she was already seeing this other guy and you don't need anything like that in your life. In other words, move on and find another girl. 3
BC1980 Posted May 25, 2014 Posted May 25, 2014 So I received an email from my ex a few days ago. She sent me a link to an article she wanted to share and told the story of her remembering we had a talk about the subject of the article back in the day. Is she doing this probably just to see if I will respond? It means nothing. She is just trying to be nice. If you were together fr 5 years, it's not going to be easy for her to just cut you off either. She has feelings too, but that doesn't mean she wants to get back together. One thing that is very important to remember is that if you respond, she is assuming you are okay with the breakup and being friends. After 5 years together, you're not going to be friends anytime soon and likely never. That's just the reality, so it's best to rip it off like a bandaid and accept it. No more contact at all because the contact only benefits her, not you. If you respond to be nice, you are putting her feelings above yours. Hurting her feelings is not more important than your recovery. 3
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