scooby-philly Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Sorry for the cryptic title - but it does describe the situation I find myself in. I've posted in the past several months and have gotten great advice - some of it I needed to hear or wouldn't have seen myself (though some of it was also from obviously jaded/hurt people) - after getting back into the dating scene a year after a messy split with an ex-fiancee. Background I met this woman online through a pay site. We chatted for 2-3 weeks very nicely and I was about to ask for a date/number and she gave me her number first. First few dates were awesome - nothing physical - but great. Then, things slowed down as she was busy but they picked up and then....got physical. Things have slowed down the past 3 weeks as she has started a new job and also moved into a new place. We talk/text 2-3 times a week. I've gotten her flowers twice and also got her a cute magnet for her new place which she adored when i gave it to her. All told we've been out 11-12 times already - walks, dinners, drinks, a play, a jazz club, etc over the last 3 months. Somethings I would like insight on: She's divorced. Apparently was with the guy for 8 years - from soph/jr year of college through residency (she's in healthcare) and then split a a little over a year ago but had been separated a while before. She's private - she'll say "I'm having some family things" or "some friend is having a problem". I know you can't force people to talk - especially private ones, and that's okay - but is there anything I can say or do besides the obvious thing of just asking and listening that will make her feel comfortable enough to share a little more? I hated that in my last relationship - I don't need to beat a dead horse but knowing a person's past does help explain things.Also, in terms of her family, because we met online, how do I gauge what she's telling them or her friends about me/us, especially if she's private. I mean obviously at this point she likes me, but to what level I'm not exactly sure.We met online so we don't have any overlapping friends. At what point does it mean she's interested in me enough to make the "introduction" - at least to one or two? I ask because I think I don't get to see her enough because she's not allowed me into her circle yet. I'd say the same thing for me but unfortunately my break up with my fiancee way back caused me to lose some apparently "good" friends.She stated very clearly she's not interested in anything too serious - but...we have great chemistry together. I mean - completley awesome chemistry - in bed, in conversation, simply walking. She holds and runbs my hand as we walk in public. I'm not rushing into anything either. But, when do I ask if we're "something" or at least "exclusive"?On top of that, I'm not the type of guy who would casually date multiple women - I'm honestly still checking out things on the online site, but it's only because they gave me 6 months free and because I'm not willing to settle in the sense of I've made my attraction clear and she does say things that express her interest - but not directly, but I'm not going to wait forever. But my question is given all that I just said in the above points, when do I push for a little more "us"? I mean when is it - hey, I like you enough to say let's see each other a little more often - or at least tell me a little more about why we can't. - I work and have a great career so I'm not free a lot either, (and I know she's not using the online site much so I don't think she's balancing multiple people) but relationships are about spending time with each other.Anyway - as always - thanks in advance
FitChick Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Enjoy it while it lasts but by six months you could ask if she would like to see you exclusively "or should we BOTH continue to see other people while we are dating?" People divorced less than two years are always risky. Proceed with caution.
Author scooby-philly Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 @FitChick Thanks - yes there's definitely a point where you got to say, hey are you interested. I know there's stuff going on in her life - exactly what she hasn't shared - and I'm not rushing into things either. But I don't think she's seeing anyone else and I know from experience how personal stuff happens - family/friends, etc. So we'll see what happens. I do know to be careful with folks who are recently out of relationships - I use OLD and never express interest or show it in people listed as just separate. She's been divorced over a year and they were separated for 5-6 months before that. But, people heal/move on at different rates so I'll keep evaluating things. Thanks for the reply. Not trying to make it sound bad - we really enjoy each other's company - but thus far it's been limited to "social" engagements one on one.
Author scooby-philly Posted May 7, 2014 Author Posted May 7, 2014 So - had a conversation with her last night. We were supposed to meet up some time this week. Well, she apparently has some more "friend" issues going on so can't commit to anything - though she does "want to see me". She'll be traveling next week. I told her I was disappointed. Of course she texted me this morning after I texted her good night last night. Anyway, going to let things lie for a while. See if we can get together when she comes back.
Author scooby-philly Posted May 8, 2014 Author Posted May 8, 2014 So she texted me today and said she can't give me a definitive answer for any time before she leaves. So I texted her back and told her that we'll get together when she comes back.
Author scooby-philly Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 Well, I guess that's what I need to find out.
HappyLove Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 She's not that into you. You're too easy for her, she probably has other options too. The worst thing you could do is push for more when she's pulling away. I think the best thing you could do is back off. Right now she doesn't deserve you. She's not ready for a man who wants her or simply just doesn't want you. A woman knows when she's into a guy and wouldn't leave you hanging like this after 12 dates. You need to move on.
Author scooby-philly Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 Yeah - unfortunately I think you're right. She may be into me, or not, but if she is she may not be ready any time soon for anything resembling serious. It sucks - it seems like I end up attracted to women who aren't ready yet. I don't mind being patient - that's who I am. I'm a pretty simple guy who doesn't need/want too much. But, you are corret - at this point - 12+ dates spread over three months plus the intervening conversations - it's time to make a decision one way or the other. I was so tempted to just text or email and say - hey "if you can't make time for me then apparently you're not that interested" but that's not the right way. I will suck it up and call her this weekend and talk.
Author scooby-philly Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 Well, I couldn't focus at work and I can't really call so I did send an email telling her how I felt - disappointed that we don't see each other a lot and that I respect her new job and house situation, but she's the one whos's been late, who's been saying we'll get together ... and then not being able to - and not being able to just give me a simple yes or no and since we've been on enough dates together - at least a better reason why she can't, - the fact that I like her and don't want to be put into a lurch. Told her I didn't want to blind side her when we talked - not sending email because we won't talk - but I'd prefer to give her time to think rather than just pour it all out. Is that wrong?
HappyLove Posted May 9, 2014 Posted May 9, 2014 Yep, like I said best thing you could've done was back off. I wouldn't of sent that email. Hope you get a good response. Good luck!
Author scooby-philly Posted May 9, 2014 Author Posted May 9, 2014 Well - I did. You were probably right - but sometimes I act a little too impulsively. Can't take it back - but I will stand by what I said and I do agree it is time for me to back off.
Author scooby-philly Posted May 12, 2014 Author Posted May 12, 2014 @Happy So she called me yesterday afternoon and we spoke briefly. You were right - but I think I was right too. She didn't seem to really get that all I wanted to know was what was going on beyond "I'm helping my friend out", and that after 12+ dates over 3 months, with no signs of her life becoming organized or predictable in any way shape or form in the near-term future, I at least need to know why she can't see me. She was pretty non-commital and didn't seem to really want to force herself into saying yes, she's interested enough to make time or at least reveal a bit more. Oh well. But, I think it was right to send the email - at least I probably avoided wasting another x number of weeks. I do fell bad that she wasn't interested but I've learned that when push comes to shove, people need to either stand up or go.
HappyLove Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Well good for you! I don't know why people enjoy wasting others time. Now you can move on and find a woman who will appreciate what you have to offer! Good luck!
deathandtaxes Posted May 12, 2014 Posted May 12, 2014 Twelve dates and you two aren't exclusive? WTF? Drop this woman now, OP. You're her backup plan. I wouldn't waste another minute sending her any form of communication. It shouldn't be this hard!!! 1
Author scooby-philly Posted May 13, 2014 Author Posted May 13, 2014 Yeah - well she said we were "dating" - which honestly I didn't realize - in the sense thta we we hadn't talked yet about being exclusive. So, anyway - life moves on. You too always have a good perspective on things. Even if I disagree sometimes!
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