BH44 Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 Hi I have now been married for two years now. I new about some of my wife past be for getting married. As time goes on I learn my than I want to know. As it turns out she had told me she never had a one night stand and then come to find out a year later she comes out of the blue and tells me about one she had near our home town be for we met. She had started being sexual at a young age. Her mother got her on birth control when she 16. She just two weeks ago proceeds to talk about how she has never used a condom and all her partners never as you could say pulled out and for some reason that just hit me hard. Also about six months ago she was asking if it was every mans fantasy t have two woman at the same time and I thought this was odd. I told her I guess there are a lot of men that would like tat. Ever sense then she has it in her mind that's what I want and she would see it through for me. I have told her I don't think I would go through with it just because how it could damage our marriage. She then start to tell me how it would turn her on to watch me with another woman. I then told her I wasn't interested and if it was going to happen it would be for her not me and I would not engage in this matter. I'm afraid of what's next. I feel it was to give her a reason to be with another man. Also just some history my wife has never been married before but engage three different times. All her past boyfriends have been either abusive or cheaters. At the same time she had told me about her one night stand one of her ex's had died. I was on her face book to see what had been going on and seen she had over 25 searches on him in just two days. I'm not sure what to think. I have caught her in lies in our past and now I don't know if shes telling me the truth or not. I just feel like she judges our marriage from our sex life. The same bed we sleep in (witch was hers before we met) she had slept with other men in it and I'm sorry but that tears me up. I'm not looking to get bashed on here for how I feel but I don't have any one to talk to and I feel like I need some help. If I didn't love her some much it wouldn't hurt as bad. Thanks for reading and any advise will be very appreciated. BH44
todreaminblue Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 no oen should bash you on here and if they do,which i doubt genuine posters will, please don't take it to heart..use what is helpful to you discard the rest...your feelings are justifiable and honest......which is what you need to be with her, honest with how you feel.... if sleeping on a bed where another man has been intimate with your wife and it upsets you its time to get a new bed...i did......and have every time i have a relationship end.....i have only had to buy beds when i have broken them or a relationship.......i feel you need a new bed one you buy together maybe......as far as her letting you know her past escapades its a what you really need to know without graphics basis only that which would physically affect you or impact negatively on the relationship and then really for your sanity and the relationship sake it should be dropped and you dont need to know or be reminded anymore...... as far as sleeping with others go you are against it it hurts you and it isnt what you are comfortable with discussing or doing....so dont ....tell her that it upsets you and it is having a negative impact on how you see her and your marriage ...if she loves you and is committed to making this marriage of yours work she has to stop......she should want to.......because why make someone unhappy in marriage when you are bound supposedly by mutual love and respect to enhance their life not make it miserable and incomplete......let her know she is making you feel unhappy...because you are unhappy.......if she loves you truly she will respect your feelings and your honesty..... if she continues to do and say things that make you question her commitment to you and fidelity is important to you...funnily enough there are people who still believe in fidelity in marriage i am one too.....and i have a past.......i think a compassionate marriage counsellor or even a pastor or bishop might be able to help you if things start to feel grim for you and for your wife......i wish you happiness in marriage and life ....hope things get better for you..... good luck.....deb
bubbaganoosh Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 A lot of posters will tell you that her past sex life before you were married is history and there isn't much you can do about it and for the most part, you can't. What got me wondering is this business about bringing another person in your marriage and your bed. If she wants to see you with another woman, and just let it go, I have a hard time believing that so the question I have is this. Do you know if your wife is bisexual or has ever mentioned it before this? I can't help thinking that there isn't a ulterior motive for asking you about this.
torturedartist Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Hi I have now been married for two years now. I new about some of my wife past be for getting married. As time goes on I learn my than I want to know. As it turns out she had told me she never had a one night stand and then come to find out a year later she comes out of the blue and tells me about one she had near our home town be for we met. She had started being sexual at a young age. Her mother got her on birth control when she 16. She just two weeks ago proceeds to talk about how she has never used a condom and all her partners never as you could say pulled out and for some reason that just hit me hard. Also about six months ago she was asking if it was every mans fantasy t have two woman at the same time and I thought this was odd. I told her I guess there are a lot of men that would like tat. Ever sense then she has it in her mind that's what I want and she would see it through for me. I have told her I don't think I would go through with it just because how it could damage our marriage. She then start to tell me how it would turn her on to watch me with another woman. I then told her I wasn't interested and if it was going to happen it would be for her not me and I would not engage in this matter. I'm afraid of what's next. I feel it was to give her a reason to be with another man. Also just some history my wife has never been married before but engage three different times. All her past boyfriends have been either abusive or cheaters. At the same time she had told me about her one night stand one of her ex's had died. I was on her face book to see what had been going on and seen she had over 25 searches on him in just two days. I'm not sure what to think. I have caught her in lies in our past and now I don't know if shes telling me the truth or not. I just feel like she judges our marriage from our sex life. The same bed we sleep in (witch was hers before we met) she had slept with other men in it and I'm sorry but that tears me up. I'm not looking to get bashed on here for how I feel but I don't have any one to talk to and I feel like I need some help. If I didn't love her some much it wouldn't hurt as bad. Thanks for reading and any advise will be very appreciated. BH44 It sounds to me like your wife likes sex, and to be brutally honest, is not getting what she needs from your/her current sex life. She's wanting to amp things up, but you're really resistant to the idea. Looking at this fundamentally, you're a 'meat and potatoes' man, but she wants to add a little Mae West. In case that's too much metaphor, or our cultural differences make it difficult for you to get the reference... Your wife likes sex! Most guys' biggest fears is getting married to find out that their wives don't like sex. A lot of guys I know would love to have your problem. Maybe involving another person is too much for you. I can understand that. So tell her you draw the line at involving another person, but be willing to get a little kinky with her, if it makes her happy. Or maybe get really kinky with her. Do anything you or she can think of to spice things up. Chances are that you'll enjoy it too. All mammals have sex. For some reason humans have to get all weird about it, usually as a result of religion. Get over it! Sex is perfectly natural, and healthy. It's like taking drugs, without all the negative side-effects. Live a little. Try something new. Start by buying a pair of handcuffs and surprising her. Or divorce her and get yourself a righteous, prudent woman. Maybe you can sit down with her and schedule the days you'll have sex. Mark them down on a calendar... Now, her dishonesty about her past isn't cool. Though you have to understand that men and women are judged differently about their sex lives. It's totally cool and highly encouraged for a man to go out and have one-night stands. But when a woman does it, she's usually considered slutty... It doesn't sound to me like you would have been ok knowing she'd had a one-night stand, so she lied to you. Lying is never cool, but again, put yourself in her shoes. I suggest sitting down with her and asking for her complete honesty, about her past history and her current intentions. Ask her if your/her sex life is satisfying to her. If she says it's not, don't take it personally and be willing to up your game, and one more time, thank God or the universe for allowing you to marry a woman who likes sex. And if the damage that's been done as the result of her dishonesty is too much for you, it's obviously time to move on. That's your call. Either way, I think you need to stop being such a prude about sex. I hope that helps. 1
Author BH44 Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 A lot of posters will tell you that her past sex life before you were married is history and there isn't much you can do about it and for the most part, you can't. What got me wondering is this business about bringing another person in your marriage and your bed. If she wants to see you with another woman, and just let it go, I have a hard time believing that so the question I have is this. Do you know if your wife is bisexual or has ever mentioned it before this? I can't help thinking that there isn't a ulterior motive for asking you about this. That was my first question and she said no she hadn't ever. She once said she would be involved but just with me and then turned to she would just sit and watch. I'm not sure where she's going with this other than to use it against me. I am totally satisfied with just her. Also a note to add. She also tells me that there has to be a connection of feelings with her and her partner witch the guy she dated before me went on for 8 month and she didn't enjoy the sex and it was all about him. she also said her friends would ask her why she was even with him and she didn't have an answer. There was even a time 7 months ago when it came up about her ex that just died lived out of state and they would meet half way every two weeks. I asked if they ever had arguments and she said no it was like a honey moon every time they were together and I'll tell ya what a kick in the you now what that was for me. Maybe there is to much water under the bridge to heel I'm not sure but to keep all the love letters, picture that was exchanged with all her ex's for all these year and for me to find them should have been flags that I didn't see. I was a chore for her to get rid of them.
Author BH44 Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 It sounds to me like your wife likes sex, and to be brutally honest, is not getting what she needs from your/her current sex life. She's wanting to amp things up, but you're really resistant to the idea. Looking at this fundamentally, you're a 'meat and potatoes' man, but she wants to add a little Mae West. In case that's too much metaphor, or our cultural differences make it difficult for you to get the reference... Your wife likes sex! Most guys' biggest fears is getting married to find out that their wives don't like sex. A lot of guys I know would love to have your problem. Maybe involving another person is too much for you. I can understand that. So tell her you draw the line at involving another person, but be willing to get a little kinky with her, if it makes her happy. Or maybe get really kinky with her. Do anything you or she can think of to spice things up. Chances are that you'll enjoy it too. All mammals have sex. For some reason humans have to get all weird about it, usually as a result of religion. Get over it! Sex is perfectly natural, and healthy. It's like taking drugs, without all the negative side-effects. Live a little. Try something new. Start by buying a pair of handcuffs and surprising her. Or divorce her and get yourself a righteous, prudent woman. Maybe you can sit down with her and schedule the days you'll have sex. Mark them down on a calendar... Now, her dishonesty about her past isn't cool. Though you have to understand that men and women are judged differently about their sex lives. It's totally cool and highly encouraged for a man to go out and have one-night stands. But when a woman does it, she's usually considered slutty... It doesn't sound to me like you would have been ok knowing she'd had a one-night stand, so she lied to you. Lying is never cool, but again, put yourself in her shoes. I suggest sitting down with her and asking for her complete honesty, about her past history and her current intentions. Ask her if your/her sex life is satisfying to her. If she says it's not, don't take it personally and be willing to up your game, and one more time, thank God or the universe for allowing you to marry a woman who likes sex. And if the damage that's been done as the result of her dishonesty is too much for you, it's obviously time to move on. That's your call. Either way, I think you need to stop being such a prude about sex. I hope that helps. That's just the thing... I have asked her. I go out of my way to satisfy her. I give her all the oral she wants she says we have an amazing sex life. I have thought these same things to be better and to give her what she needs. I just wonder if she's not satisfied to one man. The thrill of some one new and that I def can't handle. That's why I'm here. Thanks to all for reading and all the different advise.
Candy_Pants Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 You sound insecure. And like you haven't set boundaries in your relationship. If you don't want to have a threesome, and you've expressed that, why is it still an issue?! Get a new bed. Set boundaries. And grow up. Both of you.
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