How to deal with loss of the closest friends I've ever had?

[sooshi]

I lost the two closest friends I've ever had.

My ex-fiance, and my best friend.

 

Shortly after ending our engagement, my ex pursued my best friend. They've never met in person (we all live far apart). My friend didn't openly discourage him from flirting with her, even when she was in a relationship. She didn't take his flirtation seriously, but also said she enjoyed the attention and the desire she was getting. She didn't tell me about any of this until he crossed her line. Apparently, even though she thought his flirtatious behaviour and pursuit of her was heartbreaking, awful, terrible, and inconsiderate of my feelings, and even though she felt sooo bad for me, she let it continue.

 

He wrote a love song to her and sent it to me, and told me not to assume what it was about because it'd be a "whole story."

 

He soon deleted me on FB and kept her on there. I told her it made me uncomfortable that she kept him on there and asked her to clarify why she did it. She said I was causing drama by asking and that she wanted to avoid causing drama, so she didn't delete him. The thing is, she has deleted guys who has shown her unwanted attention to her in the past. And she didn't even have her own boyfriend on there. And she had even told me that maybe my ex severed ties with me so that he could pursue her without having me influence anything. So yes, I feel like I have reason to feel hurt and betrayed. I eventually deleted her on there.

 

Essentially, I felt disrespected by both of them. And they were my closest friends, with my ex saying he cared 100% about how I feel after I found out about his pursuit of her (I found out through my friend. The only thing he told me was that he liked her, but he'd already been telling her how she was the only one he wanted, etc.)

 

Ugh, ugh, ugh. This makes me feel so angry. My two closest friends, gone. Just like that. I don't know how to cope with this. I'm tired of thinking about it, of posting about it. I don't know how to move on with this.

 

What would you do if you were in my situation?

[FredJones80]

What would you do if you were in my situation?

 

**** em, that's no friend. For my best friend I could honestly say if one of their gf/wife was naked and coming on to me I would resist - that is what a friend is.

 

You're better off without the both of them no matter how painful.

 

Chin up.

[ja123]

What would you do if you were in my situation?

 

 

 

I'd probably go partying and get laid.

 

 

Sorry for the loss of your bf and friend. You're right to go NC with both of them.

[preraph]

I've been in your situation. It was horrible. Not only that but I also had my two other closest friends move away during the same time period. The very night my two betrayed me with each other, a new girl from work said she wanted to be friends and we've been friends for 30 years now. Out with the old, in with the new. I harbored a lot of resentment for the ex bf (but we were not engaged nor together all that long but I was really in love), but not nearly as much as the best friend because she'd known me since we were kids. She knew what it would do to me.

 

My "ex" and I were in the same small-world industry and I wasn't about to abandon my career because it was the one thing more important than all the other stuff. But I ended up working in the same office with him within 6 months. It was very very difficult, torture really. At the time, I had some guys step up and keep me company. They were all guys I already knew and liked, but none of them were really serious, but they were a great distraction right when I really needed one. I was always out at music gigs and so was my "ex" and I did avoid some of them, but we ran in to each other and it was painful for both of us. Working together was just torture for me at first. I mean, I'm not a natural actress, and I had to really put on a good face. When I ended up there at his office, it was supposed to be to do one task for the owner and then I'd go out to another location, but my ex told the owner he wanted to keep me for his assistant, so I ended up working with him for the next several years. And it definitely had its ups and downs. I think it was hard for both of us.

 

Then he had a part in ending my career (because of his loyalty to a new girl who was a Monica Lewinski suck-up type who also sabotaged my work). Conflicts grew and it wasn't all him but a new guy who got hired in over both he and I who also took this bimbo's side. Anyway, I had a real depression over that and was positively enraged and remained that way for many years. I was told I actually had PTSD from all that crap.

 

I snapped out of that years later and had isolated during it and had to reconnect with people. I eventually got around to feeling able to reconnect with him. I mean, we worked together for years every day and had a relationship apart from what came before. We had a lot in common as we had followed the same career path. It was just kind of inevitable. Anyway, decades later, he and I exchange emails and make sure the other is okay -- and that is all. I think we both needed to do this to heal.

 

The "best friend," I had to get her out of my life because she had a sick thing wanting to be me and that was the second time she'd betrayed me, though the 1st was a high school thing.

 

My best advice is make yourself continue to do do the things you love doing, don't isolate, but do give yourself a little time each week to be with yourself and continue to process things. But then go out with friends or by yourself but do fun things. Just keep trying to have fun. Honestly, that's the best way to move forward. It's one of those "it is what it is" things. To move forward, you have to MAKE yourself move forward.

 

Best of luck. I know the pain you feel and the trust you have lost because once the person you love more than anyone else betrays you, you are hit with the realization that it could happen with anyone. But just remember that some people just have better boundaries than that and also, if the people are young, sometimes they're just stupid and didn't foresee the consequences.

[sooshi]

Thank you for your responses, Fred, ja123, and preraph. All of you have provided so much support to others on the forum -- I've seen your posts. Thank you for your time and energy.

 

Fred, thanks for your thoughts. Sometimes I feel guilty for leaving my friend behind, but I would NOT do that to a friend, and I know that someone who TRULY respected me/someone would not do that. She didn't take my ex seriously, but that doesn't justify not telling me right away or allowing it to continue. I also can't believe that my ex would find this infatuation more worthwhile than our friendship AND more worthwhile than my friendship with my friend AND her relationship with her partner. I cannot believe he would do this.

 

He has taken it out on me because I initially blocked him on FB when I found out from my friend about his pursuit and had her block him (and a relative of hers who was his FB friend). I shouldn't have contacted the relative, but I was furious. And I know now that I had every right and reason to block him. And he found out from my friend that I contacted her partner to say how happy I was for them (they had just gotten together; they were together in the past, and I'd been rooting for them), and my ex told me that I had crossed too many lines in contacting the guy. I don't know... I think that trying to make someone leave their relationship to be with you is crossing a line. He said it was a manipulative action.

 

ja123, I'm not a partyer and I'm still a virgin. Thanks for confirming that not contacting them is the right thing to do.

 

preraph, I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. It must have been so hard to have that betrayal. So painful and heartbreaking... and then having to work with your ex all those years. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for being able to extract something positive from it, and for encouraging me. My ex has really made me out to be the bad guy in all of this, but as the people on here have proven to me--it's not me! I truly fell for his anger and blame though, and I do still stumble sometimes into the hands of his power.

[preraph]

^ That's so low of him. It was my best friend who did that to me afterwards. She got my address book and started contacting every male friend I had and trying to cry on their shoulders to get sympathy (and try to steal them too I guess). She just wanted to take over my life and friends. I was red hot when I found out. They all let me know she had talked to them and all but one was calling her a b*tch and wasn't nice to her because they knew what happened. But one, a guy I'd loved prior to this one but had remained friends with, sort of went along with her BS and probably talked about me and boy, when I found out I went and hunted him down and laid into him until he understood the situation and apologized. Grrrrr.

[sooshi]

That sounds so awful, preraph. I can't believe your BEST FRIEND did that!

 

Unfortunately, my best friend continued to be very friendly with my ex-fiance. That's inherently okay, but she never said that his actions made her uncomfortable, or to think about how hurtful they are towards me. Absolutely nothing. I'm glad that all (but one) of your friends stood up to her and her behaviour and how it must have truly impacted you. They were your true friends. I can't believe my friend would not take a few moments of her life to do that for me. It would have helped a whole lot. When my ex asked HER how she wanted things to all go down, there was no mention of me. There was no expression of concern towards me, although when she talked with me, she remarked how awful, etc. his actions were and how she'd be so angry and hurt as well.

 

She doesn't think it's her responsibility to say anything, because my ex is a grown man. Yeah, well, sometimes people don't realize what they do. Or sometimes they do, but don't really think much of it. I truly feel like if she had told him anything to support me, he would have woken up a bit. Ugh, I feel so defeated. Grrr.

 

Thanks again for sharing your story, preraph, and for all of your support towards others on the friendship subforum (and in the others too).