msoptimistic Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 (edited) Hello...some wonderful people have given me some excellent advice here and I'm back with one more question...if u read my backstory u will see that I have been in an A for almost 2 years with very little breaks along the way. I am also M and have trying to maneuver my way through this minefield of my own making...heres my question...AP and I have had some serious "future" conversations lately...from the get go he has always told me he wanted her to leave bc of some property issues that would come up if he were to be the one caught and she took him to court...during the last few weeks I have been leaning toward being alone (from both H & AP) just for some breathing space...I know H senses it and I'm also convinced MM does as well...I've been spending way too much time defining myselfby either of these Rs and the stress is taking its toll... While talking with MM 2weeks ago, I made the comment that I could no longer see us having a future and he said to be positive a little longer that he was working on it? I chalked it up to heat of the moment and put no faith in the comment. A couple of days later, he called and wanted to knpw if Icould spare a little time (which is not easy since we do not live in the same town). Of course I went and he tried absolutely no physical contact...he wanted to "show"me some of the things he had talked about...land he owned, what was in his, hers, or their names and why he was having to be so careful,,and as a sidenote bc of another thread going here, we do meet at his home... So heres the deal..upuntil about a month ago they each had different fb accounts and yes, I snooped. He had not posted anything on his page in almost a year when it suddenly became a his'n hers page and her petsonal fb disappeared. Yep I asked, which required being honest about snooping, and he says there was a man she had gotten involved with that wouldnt leave her alone so she took over his account...another sidenote, he also told me she had sent a text to another man from her maiden name but accidentally sent it to his phone.. He showed me the text and it was sent from her work computer...anyway, now that there is this new fb account she is posting likee crazy, quoting him by name in her messages, pics of family get togethers although I've yet to see him in them, he could be avoiding the camera. I have asked him about a thing or two on there but he just says she manipulates it that way so her circle wont figure out whats really going on... So, how much faith should be put into things that appear via texts or social media? Could she be putting up a front or is he in hypermode to cover his tracks and she doesnt think a thing is wrong with their M? And also remember he is 54 & she is 25 if that makes any difference in your opinions! Thanks! Edited May 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
bentleychic Posted May 4, 2014 Posted May 4, 2014 A lot of people put on "fronts". It's not dubbed "Fakebook" for nothing. Your MM and his W sound like train wrecks, though, to be honest. He sounds like he has plenty of valid reasons to leave her, if he's telling the truth. 2
Author msoptimistic Posted May 5, 2014 Author Posted May 5, 2014 Ouch, truth hurts, you are most certainly correct that I would absolutely love to know the answer to that question as I am also certain that many other OW would love to be able to get that answer too! Our situation is messed up, and believe it or not this is my first rodeo in an A and up until I found this website (which was a year in), I was buying into everything he said. Yep, I'm gullible and disrespectful of many people because of this A. But as anyone living this knows, its hard to look at the situation with logic when your heart is running full speed ahead and the rest of you is being dragged along behind. Is he being deceitful by the very nature of being M and in an A? Yes and me too. A trainwreck waiting to happen, and my brain says jump off this ride as fast as you can but my heart says hold on, bumpy ride ahead but it will be worth the bruises along the way! The thing is, everything that I can find proof of has turned out so far to show him being honest...its these danged old FB posts that are throwing me at the moment...I'm just curious why she would post such things if they aren't true? But you are right, it doesn't matter either way...we are all wrong, no one more than the other, and its time to figure out how to move on... Thanks, bentleychick, I think I held on for a long time cause I kept thinking that with a 29 year age difference that something would eventually give, but that too is the wrong way to look at it...its just so hard to start the process of grieving even when you are grieving everyday anyway because not only can I not have him, someone else does...wrong and degrading but true! Won't lie; he asked me once if he came to my work to get me, would I go with him (Of course I'm thinking An Officer and a Gentleman) and I told him nothing would make me happier...takes a whole lot to get those dreams outta your head and I would still love a fairytale ending but I know what ending I'm headed for and it ain't pretty! 1
Speakingofwhich Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Re: the Facebook thing. I know a woman very well who posts all the time photos with captions that portray a perfect family life. It is anything but. The more perfect a life presented on FB = the bigger the mess at home! 2
Tressugar Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Not another one of these OW/MM mishaps! Do yourself a favor, think with your brain and not with your heart. You won't go wrong. I promise you!
SweetClover Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Social media is definitely something you have to take with a grain of salt. My MM's wife posts about him constantly. In glowing terms. Like he's the perfect man. And her the perfect wife. Because I'm behind the scenes, both with him and her, I know though that things are way different than she makes them out to be
Poppy's sister Posted May 5, 2014 Posted May 5, 2014 Hi, Similar situation here. Well not social media but state of affairs. My answer is just don't have Facebook etc. If he is willing to show you her txts I guess that's good. But the whole thing with assets is surely just an excuse, courts count everything as marital asset whoevers name it is in and divide assets 50/50 Like you I am wondering were all this will end. My ap and I don't even talk about a future. It's off the table. Last week he described himself as thrashing around with no plan and no ideas. He is seriously having some major work issues. And I mean major ones, this seems to be occupying all his brain. A big part of me says enough, it hurts like mad now, it won't be worse if I end it And then I do the what ifs. ..personal message me if you want op
Author msoptimistic Posted May 6, 2014 Author Posted May 6, 2014 It does amaze me how perfect she can present their life, knowing things cant be that great if he is in an A to start with? Its like you dont want to even look but you can only stop yourself for so long before you just have to look! You know she has every right to post whatever she wants but seeing it in black & white is pretty painful! Also, many people post very valid opinions on here about making better decisions and walking away...I think if it were that easy, every woman in this situation would walk, but its just not that simple...we are intelligent, hardworking, good ladies in a sad situation. We very well know we should walk away and listen to our heads but we love deeply and unfortunately have to live with the fact that we cant be very optimistic about the outcome of our As. Its sad, it hurts but still we love! I agree walking away and no contact are the best options but they are also the hardest!
sweet_pea Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 (edited) Can I ask, do all of you post every bad thing that happens to you on Facebook & other social media places? If not, does that mean you're putting on a show? Maybe she is "putting on a show," or maybe she isn't.... I wouldn't rely on social media. Rely on actions. Edited May 6, 2014 by sweet_pea
Speakingofwhich Posted May 6, 2014 Posted May 6, 2014 Can I ask, do all of you post every bad thing that happens to you on Facebook & other social media places? If not, does that mean you're putting on a show? Maybe she is "putting on a show," or maybe she isn't.... I wouldn't rely on social media. Rely on actions. A person can post a lot on FB that doesn't center around themselves. They can share concepts and ideas to stimulate discussion, photos of projects and photos of others. Nothing wrong with a photo of self and family once in a while. But, you get people on there who post constant stream of selfies or selfies w/family or SO. These are the ones that are suspect, seems to me, of having low self esteem and a need for validation. 1
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