kechara Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 He's separated but acts like he is married. His guilt has been running his life and my life for nearly a year now. He doesn't want to tell them he's dating yet so when he's over there I can't call him. And he is over there all the time! Every day he left work to go make dinner for his two boys. I could live with him not showing up here until later during the weekdays (he has his own place but things devolved to him spending most nights at my place). But then the weekends would roll around. I would beg him on Wednesday or Thursday to let me know what his plans were for the weekend, so that I wouldn't end up waiting and waiting for him, putting off being with friends, blowing off other opportunities to get out of my house. And each weekend, I got the same story- "I don't know what I'm doing yet." We'd go to sleep Friday night and wake up to a perfect morning. Round about mid-morning, I would notice the tension and, after some prying, he would say, "I should go home and be with the boys." And then, he'd either show back up late at night or I wouldn't see him until later the next day. On those occasions, he'd sleep over on the couch, even though I'd plead with him that that could easily be used to count as cohabitation- delaying his divorce. He told me Friday night, "I don't like to committ to plans because then I disappoint you. Besides, I went 17 years with no one caring about where I was. I'm just not used to having to make a committment." I've been crying for weeks, it seems, and every time I bring up how hurt I am when he blows me off, he gets annoyed, although eventually, he does listen. The final straw: I haven't spent more than 3 hours of a Saturday or Sunday (other than 1-2 hours in the morning or late at night) in a month. He promised me Monday he would spend Saturday with me. I told him he was being unrealistic as I know how guilty he feels if he goes a day without seeing the boys. The plan was, I would go out in the morning and we would spend the afternoon together. Of course, he calls- finally- at 2 and says that he started on a project cleaning out his desk at his old house and it was more than he expected and he wouldn't be around til much later. I lost it. When he came over last night, I walked out to his truck and told him I was sorry, that I just couldn't take all of the hurt any more and that I was losing respect for myself. A minute and a half later he drove away and I've done nothing but cry since then. Am I nuts? How long does this take? What do I do if he comes back? God, I hurt so bad.
upsetnhurt Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 Kechara, I commend you on your actions and I sympathize with the sad state you are in. Let me ask you what would you like to happen here? I presume you want a man in your life who can place you amongst his priorities. I would say you should be at the top of the list yet I also realize this person has two boys to deal with as well. So Kechara.......you have tried to let him know your feelings on this topic and unfortunately he has chosen to disregard you and continue to keep the status quo. What guy wouldn't want someone to be there everytime they desire and feel no obligation to respect them....that sounds like the position you have given him when it comes to you. I am glad you chose to stop it and now we will see his true colors. My gut says that he is not ready for a commitment with anyone but his children and potentially his wife at the moment. Take this time to make yourself healthier in mind and spirit and you will be amazed that down the road you will be laughing that you went through this as you will be with someone who finds you simply amazing and can't let go of you. I know its tough as I too am suffering from my own breakup yet for some reason I can be much more objective for other people. Good luck.
CoolAunt Posted February 7, 2005 Posted February 7, 2005 Of course you're crying, sweetie. Your heart is breaking/broken. Remember that you did the right thing for yourself even though it may not feel like it right now. You've been crying for weeks, you said. Iow, your heart has been breaking, little by little, for weeks. And it wasn't going to change no matter why he was blowing you off on the weekends (guilt, control, stupidity, etc.). My ex-bf had control issues and blowing me off on the weekends was one way that he used to hurt me, so I know how that feels. The way I see it, if I don't have a date on Saturday nights, I may has well not have a bf. The weekends can be very long for singletons. If he comes back, you tell him what you need and want and don't accept anything less. You should have what you need and want. You deserve it. Cool Aunt
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