Boyfriend's good friends with guy I used to bully !

[serendipity90]

Just want to share as this has been playing on my mind.

 

Firstly I think it's important to point out we were both 7 when the bullying happened and I do feel terribly ashamed about it.

 

What happened was as far as I can remember - We were both part of a group of friends who could be quite mean to each other. I remember on break times certain members of the group would pick one person who everyone would run away from and this started to alternate between me and this other kid. I got scared I was going to be the one that was going to be picked on so I sent this kid a letter calling him very juvenile names (probably couldn't do it to his face as I was too cowardly) I remember the teacher found out it was me and told me off in front of the whole class, I had to stand outside the staff room at lunch break for a couple of days, I was crying and it was just very messy. I remember after the incident, after I said sorry (I think it was after) getting on OK with him and him coming to some of my birthday parties.

 

Even before I started going out with my boyfriend I used to look back at the incident and cringe but about 2 months into our relationship (we've been dating 9 months now) he randomly asked me if I remembered the guy's name and I was like oh f*ck. Turns out he remembered our age and primary (elementary?) school's and gathered we would know each other. He met this guy from a weekly aspergers meet up as they both have aspergers.

 

As far as I know, my boyfriend doesn't know about the bullying as I think he would be the sort to say something if he did. I remember crying the night after he went when he mentioned he knew him as I felt ashamed that I could have done something like that and also the fact that I was probably going to lose him. I really don't know how he would react if he found out as he was also bullied himself at school (he doesn't know I know this and hasn't told me but I know from mental health records from work), as was I later on in high school aged 12 so I guess you can say karma got me.

 

He recently told me that this guy hasn't been attending the aspergers group since before Christmas and hasn't seen him, also that he lives like a recluse and is badly affected by the bullying he suffered at school which just made me feel really bad for him and even more sh*tty. I don't know if he was bullied at high school as we went to different ones.

 

I would like to think of myself as a completely different person nowadays so it might come as a shock. I don't know why he hasn't told my boyfriend, maybe he thinks it was in the past and it's not his place to bring that up? I don't know. However I'm still nervous that he could tell him in the future. I feel like I should tell my boyfriend as it would be a weight lifted from my shoulders and maybe I could send a letter of apology to the guy I bullied as he only lives a 5 minute walk from me.

[Ninjainpajamas]

This is an opportunity to make amends rather than simply walk away or ignore it like it never happened.

 

Let's put things into perspective here. You were only 7 years old when all this occurred, so doing things out of selfishness and to avoid being the target of bullying is quite typical behavior for young kids trying to fit into the bigger group and ultimately be accepted and avoid that kind of treatment themselves...however with that being said, these kinds of acts can deeply scar people, think about how scarred people are from childhood memories or experiences and they can continue to bother them until adult hood even through their parents which they still hold onto today.

 

As of now (not sure how old you are now) you have an opportunity to confront someone that you may have very well hurt and scarred, that's called being mature and taking responsibility for your actions now that you know better. So I think the first thing you should do is mention what happened to your BF and say you're thinking an act of an apology, after all maybe he does know already about the story (if they were in a group together it's possible he mentioned you right out) but wanted to see if you would come clean about it or what you would say or if you even remembered...maybe the guy told your BF a long time ago or even recently, but I'm not sure your BF is going to hold that against you today but maybe he wanted to see how you would react or respond, but there's no indication of this, I'm just mentioning this as a mere possibility.

 

At any rate, tell the BF that you'd like to maybe meet him or maybe even go down yourself and introduce yourself and drop the letter off directly to him. It might require a bit of boldness and fearlessness on your part, but if you're concerned that your behavior may have had an impact on this guy and you certainly remember the incident, it's worth patching up old wounds, it's not about who was in the right or wrong, this is simply acknowledging and addressing the things you have done that may have caused someone else pain and suffering, it's not about fixing them or making it like it never happened, it's just about showing your character today so that he can let go of a childhood memory or see it in a different light than he may have held onto for many years, then maybe he can forgive you and let go of that experience considering it resolved in the best case scenario...there's a chance he wouldn't forgive you, hell he might not even care, that might not have been what he's thinking or talking about, but the gesture or act of kindness alone may alter his perception and help him realize that those experiences were done in a very specific context in the past, not one that lasts till the end of his days and something he should look at and feel differently about...after all, he has to accept that in the end to move on.

 

My only disclaimer is that I'm completely unfamiliar with aspergers, but regardless it's at the least a nice genuine gesture if you were to write a letter of apology, how often do people get any of those who suffered from bullying? and imagine the impact if it was you at the top of his list, it might be intimidating and frightening for you but it's a deep scar for him, it's an opportunity to make a difference, and you should do that with no expectations in mind.

 

At any rate, unfortunately I fear your greatest worry is losing your BF or what he is going to think, and I think that's the saddest part...your dignity and pride in yourself should be way above what any other person could ever think of you, if you're doing the right thing for the right reasons in your own heart that's when it's genuine...if you're doing this just for the sake of your BF opinion and that he just happens to be your BF's friend so you should fix this so he doesn't see you as a bad person, rather than seeing this an opportunity to make things right or amend something in the past you've might have done to hurt him, then I feel sorry for you and question how selfless you can be.

 

Right now it just sounds like a whole lot of guilt and worry about your self, and this is not just about this particular incident...if this is how you react to a situation where you feel genuine in the wrong and the act requires a little boldness and courage on your part but you simply talk yourself out of it out of fear...then I pity you like many others, who do have not found the courage to act or think outside of themselves for an opportunity that doesn't come along very often.

[serendipity90]

This is an opportunity to make amends rather than simply walk away or ignore it like it never happened.

 

Let's put things into perspective here. You were only 7 years old when all this occurred, so doing things out of selfishness and to avoid being the target of bullying is quite typical behavior for young kids trying to fit into the bigger group and ultimately be accepted and avoid that kind of treatment themselves...however with that being said, these kinds of acts can deeply scar people, think about how scarred people are from childhood memories or experiences and they can continue to bother them until adult hood even through their parents which they still hold onto today.

 

As of now (not sure how old you are now) you have an opportunity to confront someone that you may have very well hurt and scarred, that's called being mature and taking responsibility for your actions now that you know better. So I think the first thing you should do is mention what happened to your BF and say you're thinking an act of an apology, after all maybe he does know already about the story (if they were in a group together it's possible he mentioned you right out) but wanted to see if you would come clean about it or what you would say or if you even remembered...maybe the guy told your BF a long time ago or even recently, but I'm not sure your BF is going to hold that against you today but maybe he wanted to see how you would react or respond, but there's no indication of this, I'm just mentioning this as a mere possibility.

 

At any rate, tell the BF that you'd like to maybe meet him or maybe even go down yourself and introduce yourself and drop the letter off directly to him. It might require a bit of boldness and fearlessness on your part, but if you're concerned that your behavior may have had an impact on this guy and you certainly remember the incident, it's worth patching up old wounds, it's not about who was in the right or wrong, this is simply acknowledging and addressing the things you have done that may have caused someone else pain and suffering, it's not about fixing them or making it like it never happened, it's just about showing your character today so that he can let go of a childhood memory or see it in a different light than he may have held onto for many years, then maybe he can forgive you and let go of that experience considering it resolved in the best case scenario...there's a chance he wouldn't forgive you, hell he might not even care, that might not have been what he's thinking or talking about, but the gesture or act of kindness alone may alter his perception and help him realize that those experiences were done in a very specific context in the past, not one that lasts till the end of his days and something he should look at and feel differently about...after all, he has to accept that in the end to move on.

 

My only disclaimer is that I'm completely unfamiliar with aspergers, but regardless it's at the least a nice genuine gesture if you were to write a letter of apology, how often do people get any of those who suffered from bullying? and imagine the impact if it was you at the top of his list, it might be intimidating and frightening for you but it's a deep scar for him, it's an opportunity to make a difference, and you should do that with no expectations in mind.

 

At any rate, unfortunately I fear your greatest worry is losing your BF or what he is going to think, and I think that's the saddest part...your dignity and pride in yourself should be way above what any other person could ever think of you, if you're doing the right thing for the right reasons in your own heart that's when it's genuine...if you're doing this just for the sake of your BF opinion and that he just happens to be your BF's friend so you should fix this so he doesn't see you as a bad person, rather than seeing this an opportunity to make things right or amend something in the past you've might have done to hurt him, then I feel sorry for you and question how selfless you can be.

 

Right now it just sounds like a whole lot of guilt and worry about your self, and this is not just about this particular incident...if this is how you react to a situation where you feel genuine in the wrong and the act requires a little boldness and courage on your part but you simply talk yourself out of it out of fear...then I pity you like many others, who do have not found the courage to act or think outside of themselves for an opportunity that doesn't come along very often.

 

Thanks for your thoughtful and balanced reply.

 

Yes I admit there is a selfish part of me that thinks I may lose my boyfriend as a result of telling him but it's made even worst by the fact that the guy lives like a recluse, has developed body dysmorphia disorder and cannot bear to look at himself in mirrors and photos as he thinks he is too ugly and has not attended the aspergers group in ages which I am worried it is because my boyfriend going out with me has dredged up painful memories that he would rather forget but then I wouldn't put too much at stake on it being purely because of me because that would be a bit arrogant to think I still have that much influence on someone.

 

There is also the fact that I'm going to have to face up to some things that I'd buried in my head and would rather have forgot like exactly what names it was that I called him. I think my boyfriends going to want to know exactly what happened. I don't know if this guy was later bullied in high school but I will admit part of me just wants to say I can't remember anything and had blocked it out of my head if I get confronted about it.

 

I do want to apologise, even though it can't take the memories away like you said. But it's mainly because I'm worried it will affect his friendship with my boyfriend.

 

It might be worth mentioning I see his adoptive parents time to time when I walk my dog and they smile and say hello.

 

ETA: Me and the guy I bullied are both 23, nearly 24.

[dragon_fly_7]

I think the guy got probably bullied way more in HS and it might have caused the body dysmorphia disorder. I mean, you were just 7 years ago then and it's expected for anyone to act like a kid and be immature. You were a kid then and didn't want to be the target of bullying.

 

If I were you, I'm not sure if I would bring back things said at that early age. I would just go forward with an introduction and go on from there.

[serendipity90]

I think the guy got probably bullied way more in HS and it might have caused the body dysmorphia disorder. I mean, you were just 7 years ago then and it's expected for anyone to act like a kid and be immature. You were a kid then and didn't want to be the target of bullying.

 

If I were you, I'm not sure if I would bring back things said at that early age. I would just go forward with an introduction and go on from there.

 

Yes, I mean it's possible. I used to see him walk back from high school on his own all the time. One of the names I called him might have been ugly, I don't know, I really can't remember so I must have contributed to it but he was quite odd, I remember one time he ran around the park with his pants down - though I haven't and won't tell my bf about that.

 

I'd imagine it'd be worst being bullied in high school as you're that much older and should know better. It sounds bad but part of me hopes it wasn't all down to me as that's a lot to have on my conscience but it's bad if he was bullied repeatedly in both schools. I guess some people are just easy pickings as bad as that sounds.

 

I was bullied in high school but my attitude to it now is just to rise above it, I forgave my tormentor although I don't think we'll be friends again and the memories are there but I refuse to become a victim of it as it's like you're letting them win then.

[Shepp]

You were 7 dude!! I play football with a guy who was in the year above me at primary school - he broke the dinosaur my best mate (then and now) made from clay on purpose I walked him with a chess piece - he still has the scar

 

If you see him just tell him your sorry for all that rubbish that happened back when!

You didn't ven bully him did you, unless reading this wrong you just sent him one letter cause you were angry, I wasn't like an everyday thing was it? Just an isolated incident!